loredo21 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I'm a little over 6 months past Dday and I don't know why there are certain things i cannot get rid of from A. I've been really good about a lot of things. I no longer look at any of his or W social media (that was a big step for me). And I also left every picture of us together and other mementos on the doorstep of his business a few months ago. H and I took our daughter sledding the other day and he went to put the sled in my trunk and I noticed I STILL have MOM work computer and phone that my H trashed after Dday in there. Also I was just looking at one of my music playlists and still have every song he sent me with messages attached. I KNOW I need to get rid of these things, as they only make my heart ache when I see them, but it's like I'm holding on to the last little things I have left of A. (that's no way to move on!) Do you think I should do something cathartic with them like send them over a mountaintop somewhere? Or just be done with it all and trash them? What do you hang on to? or what have you gotten rid of and how?
Author loredo21 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 I'm usually sentimental too. But I'm not sure this is the time to be sentimental, ya know? I have saved everything my life and H sees all that stuff. But I think this is just a painful reminder to us both. My trunk is honestly filled with crap and I guess I just forgot it was in there. The song list I like to go back and read what he wrote once in a while (even though I have come to terms with it being all lies)....I'll prob just dump it all. It will be very sad, but hopefully get me over things even more. And I'm sure H would appreciate not having to look at it anymore. That made me feel pretty ****ty. I'm sentimental. I don't get rid of things that I kept because they had meaning. I have a box of love letters from years ago and random photos from old boyfriends from high school. But I'd get rid of the broken computer and stuff. Why are you keeping that?
Author loredo21 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 i have videos of us but i won't get rid of them because they have other friends in them plus i know one day i'm going to wake up & it will be okay to watch them again without any emotion. I'm almost 7 months since ex mm's dday & i still haven't been able to quit certain things completely but i know one day i will. I am so proud of you that you gave up the social media, that is a huge step. i know if it was the year 1993 i would've been over this about 4 months ago. Gotta love living in this social media era. right!!!??
BrokenPrincess Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I am so proud of you that you gave up the social media, that is a huge step. I know if it was the year 1993 I would've been over this about 4 months ago. Gotta love living in this social media era. ^^Ditto. Great job!! I immediately got rid of the necklace & book we were reading.Hid the notes in a box of old bf stuff buried from hs & college. I still have a card & pic up at my desk at work, but its among a bunch of current & past coworkers.Haven't deleted the CD/playlist yet either, which is prob the worst. Just this morning I was looking in my closet at a couple outfits I bought just for him & we have matching bathing suits we'd wear so we were kind of "together" even though our pools are 1200 miles apart. Ugh. I'm triggering myself just typing this. Think I'm going to at least pull them all out of the closet tonight & put in a box for a little while. I'm 3mo post DDay & I guess I'm not doing too good of a job letting go of the mementos...
RickFox Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Dude here I have been having some trouble lately, don't know why, but let me say I have nothing of xmw's. I deleted every pic she ever sent me and I got rid of a few personal things she gave me but my problem lies mentally. We have been done since June/July 2011, last spoke face to face in 10/11....... As of the past few days, I have held onto some thoughts and memories and I don't want them....so how the hell do you get rid of those? You simply can't and it brings up powerful anger ... I was doing so well and for the most part still am but I hate how much this affair has affected my life before during and after........ as soon as I think I'm over much of it I find myself thinking about it again...... I need one of those MIB neuro thingies...... I'm tired of her still invading my life....too many damn triggers around here
stevie_23 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 It’s been 7 weeks since my ex left me and I haven’t deleted any of his (or my) old texts from my phone, or any of our emails we sent over the almost 2 years we were together. I also still have the only mailed, handwritten letter he ever sent me, way back early on in our relationship. I don't intend any time soon to get rid of these things. I expect in several more months, I may go back and enjoy re-reading some of them, and THEN I might just delete them to be "cleansed". Maybe. I am very sentimental though, and our time together was mostly very happy and significant to me, so who knows what I might do with them eventually.
promises Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Dude here I have been having some trouble lately, don't know why, but let me say I have nothing of xmw's. I deleted every pic she ever sent me and I got rid of a few personal things she gave me but my problem lies mentally. We have been done since June/July 2011, last spoke face to face in 10/11....... As of the past few days, I have held onto some thoughts and memories and I don't want them....so how the hell do you get rid of those? You simply can't and it brings up powerful anger ... I was doing so well and for the most part still am but I hate how much this affair has affected my life before during and after........ as soon as I think I'm over much of it I find myself thinking about it again...... I need one of those MIB neuro thingies...... I'm tired of her still invading my life....too many damn triggers around here Hey RickFox- I'd be pissed too if it'd been over a year and the xMM was still affecting my emotions. Have you started dating again? That may help a bit.
RickFox Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Hey RickFox- I'd be pissed too if it'd been over a year and the xMM was still affecting my emotions. Have you started dating again? That may help a bit. No im married. We are just always in the same areas and ive actually been doing good lately but certain times of the year seem to reignite anger. Like always ill move past it and grow a little more.
promises Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 No im married. We are just always in the same areas and ive actually been doing good lately but certain times of the year seem to reignite anger. Like always ill move past it and grow a little more. I know what you mean. I was thinking the other day just how long this situation has affected my life in one way or another. It's been too long.
neveragain34 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 It definitely helps to get rid of EVERYTHING! I was hanging on to things up until about 3 weeks ago and realized its because I was still hanging on to him! Don't torture yourself like that. I can't get rid of the memories in my mind, but the less and less physical reminders you have, the closer you are to that.
stevie_23 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Rick, do you think it's because you're married that it's harder to move on? I have had little flashes of feelings running through my head, since my ex-MM left me, that it's actually HARDER for me to move on because I CAN'T as I'm still in the same place in my life as I was before, because I'm with my long term real life partner. And in some ways, it makes it easier to deal with my ex-MM leaving me...because although I was in immense pain and felt lonely and shocked and then had the added strain of having to pretend everything was fine around my partner, but at least I DO have a partner who loves me, etc. But then in other ways, as I said above...it's not like I can "re-invent" myself or go out and meet new people...
RickFox Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Rick, do you think it's because you're married that it's harder to move on? I have had little flashes of feelings running through my head, since my ex-MM left me, that it's actually HARDER for me to move on because I CAN'T as I'm still in the same place in my life as I was before, because I'm with my long term real life partner. And in some ways, it makes it easier to deal with my ex-MM leaving me...because although I was in immense pain and felt lonely and shocked and then had the added strain of having to pretend everything was fine around my partner, but at least I DO have a partner who loves me, etc. But then in other ways, as I said above...it's not like I can "re-invent" myself or go out and meet new people... I don't think so. It's because of my W and her love for me that I've been able to move on as much as I have. She has helped me see, along with many here, what it was that I was involved in, but there are times and I don't know why, I still remember xmw as the fantasy woman and I have to remind myself of who she is in reality. I think today it kinda hit because my daughter expressed interest in being picked up at the front of the school again so she could walk out with her friends. I exiled myself to the back side so I wouldn't ever have to see xmw again and although my daughter does not make the decisions, I feel for her need to socialize and the thought of being in the same area of xmw churns my stomach
stevie_23 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Ahh, I see. The "fantasy". Yes. Obviously there was a reason you were able to fall for her in the first place, and she was (or appeared to be) the type of woman you COULD fall for...so that'd still be there somewhere deep down inside I guess, even though you know now that fantasy was just that. A fantasy.
promises Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I don't think so. It's because of my W and her love for me that I've been able to move on as much as I have. She has helped me see, along with many here, what it was that I was involved in, but there are times and I don't know why, I still remember xmw as the fantasy woman and I have to remind myself of who she is in reality. I think today it kinda hit because my daughter expressed interest in being picked up at the front of the school again so she could walk out with her friends. I exiled myself to the back side so I wouldn't ever have to see xmw again and although my daughter does not make the decisions, I feel for her need to socialize and the thought of being in the same area of xmw churns my stomach Why do you hate her so much?
stevie_23 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 This might sound too easy for me to say, but you do realise you will never truly move on until you release this anger, stress and tension concerning your ex. Right now, by you avoiding doing certain things, or even you feeling such stomach churnings, you are giving HER a certain amount of power. Power she doesn't even KNOW or care about! 2
RickFox Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Why do you hate her so much? Don't hate.....dislike.... Probably alot of anger at myself as well.....
RickFox Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 This might sound too easy for me to say, but you do realise you will never truly move on until you release this anger, stress and tension concerning your ex. Right now, by you avoiding doing certain things, or even you feeling such stomach churnings, you are giving HER a certain amount of power. Power she doesn't even KNOW or care about! You are absolutely right and up until the past couple days I was doing just fine, she wasnt' on my mind all that much, like I said, certain things tend to trigger memories or feelings.... I've been good for quite some time..... I'll be back on track once again.... 1
stevie_23 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Yeah, you'll be good. It always takes time and that rollercoaster of ups and downs takes a LONG time to level out. What kinds of things happen that tend to take you back a few steps? Can you identify any specific thing?
promises Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I'm interested too RickFox. My BIL says it is because she wanted him to be a total prick to his wife and to become the liar and cheat he now despises that he did. How could you not hate someone who brought our the worst in you and condones the worst betrayal because it suited them? That pretty much negates being a good person at that time. She might be sorry and become a better person. But he doesn't want to know. And from what I've seen here I think true remorse from OW for the hurt they cause is thin on the ground. So the OW caused your BIL to cheat? 1
Author loredo21 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 Loredo I thought you had decided to divorce? Am I wrong? It you're divorcing why does it matter if you keep it or not? Keep it until you feel disgusted by it and pitch it. If that never happens so be it. The reason to pitch it now is loyalty but you're divorcing anyway do why care if it hurts STBXH? He wasn't important enough not to cheat on so why spare his feelings? I don't see any reason to get rid of anything if you aren't staing married.. I am very sentimental. But I pitched everything to do with my long term xbf when I married. Xbf begged me to marry him instead and I felt it would be terribly disloyal to keep anything related to him going into marriage. And I kept NC also. If you go back to my post about having serious doubts about ending my marriage, I am still in a confused state and I don't know what (if anything) we will be able to work out to keep our M alive. H and I are sitting down Friday to discuss the "plan" and the steps we will be taking with whatever we decide. I am completely lost and confused about what I want. From the advice I have gotten I could consider reconciling if he can ease up on the list a little. But for all I know Friday he could be telling me he wants out. (judging by his recent behavior it seems that is not the case) we've basically out of nowhere started acting like a couple again. so lots of very strange, mixed signals, and feelings going around right now.
Author loredo21 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 Yes I remember your thread about doubts but I'm sure you wrote since that you were splitting. Apologies for the confusion. I still think if you're staying you must throw them out. Super disrespectful not to. But if you split I don't think it's an issue. Promises- of course not and he's the last person to say that (I'd have slapped him for a start). But she WANTED him to do if he hates what he did, hates what he was, then logically he must hate her since she wanted him to be that. I don't think that's so hard to understand. I hate her for what she did to my loved ones. So given he loves his wife he ought to hate both himself and OW- which he appears to. If someone murdered your partner and someone else was standing there egging them on, you wouldn't hate both? You really think its either or? I find that really odd. I guess you're right. It is all confusion on my part. going back and forth on what I want to do. If we are splitting, if we are staying together. I know what page we have been on (splitting) but I don't know if our conversation friday will be a conversation about trying to make it work....ugh. so lost right now. I will keep everyone posted on what we finally decide. In the end we just want happiness for eachother. whether together or apart. I think it would just be easier if he made the decision for me. I'm overthinking way too much my head is going to explode!
LetMeGo Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I feel unless you purge "everything" from the A it is very difficult to say it is over let alone stick to your decision. It is amazing how even an insignificant object can make you rethink your decision. After beginning NC, I stalked my whole house and collected any reminder of her (even down to the food's she had bought for us to eat together). I bagged it all up in bin bags and threw it out. I deleted emails, pictures, chat logs...everything! The only thing left is my Pro/Con list which helps with purging the memories, not completely but the list allows me to see my own reasons for not getting back together in this very unhealthy relationship. @RickFox - Surprisingly I was thinking just yesterday how it would be nice to have the "MiB" neurolizer to blank the memories away and be done with it. The problem I saw was that I would not have been able to learn from this experience and change my ways. 3
BrokenPrincess Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I feel unless you purge "everything" from the A it is very difficult to say it is over let alone stick to your decision. It is amazing how even an insignificant object can make you rethink your decision. After beginning NC, I stalked my whole house and collected any reminder of her (even down to the food's she had bought for us to eat together). I bagged it all up in bin bags and threw it out. I deleted emails, pictures, chat logs...everything! Can you come do mine??
LetMeGo Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Can you come do mine?? Hmmmm..."Affair Cleaner" now that sounds like a profitable niche market - just need my neurolizer and I could offer a complete package. I must say it felt like a great weight was lifted off my shoulders and disposed of along with those bags. Now all that's left is to just get on with my life and forget the memories! 3
Spark1111 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 When a wound is gushing, you don't put a bandaid on it. You cauterize it or stitch to stop it now. Done, finito, over and out. I'm a big believer in black bagging it all, and heading to the garbage dump or a ceremonial fire. Just purge. it's so good for the soul. 3
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