kitkatz29 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I've been seeing this guy for 3 months and everything is going great so I think it's time we have the "talk" and define what we are. Problem is, I'm not sure how to bring it up without it being so out of the blue or random. I don't want to just blurt out, "hey what are we." Just to give a little back story... We originally met on a dating site. We see each other almost every day one way or another. Usually have sleep overs every other day, sometimes back to back. We also communicate daily, usually via text. He's not much of a "talk on the phone" type of guy. However, he did recently mention that while he doesn't really like talking over the phone, we will do it more if that's something I would like to do, and to just let him know. So he's definitely considerate and cares about my wants and needs. Recently he had to go to go out to go out of the country for a week long business trip. The entire time he was gone he made several attempts to contact me daily either via skype or email. And as soon as he returned he contacted me and wanted to see me. This past weekend he invited me to go spend the weekend with him and his friends at a beach location a couple hrs away for an annual festival that was taking place. Unfortunately, I was unable to go, however he did contact me while there and told me several times how much he wished I was there. So basically all of his actions make me feel like I wouldn't be jumping the gun on having this conversation as he appears to be genuinely interested in me and wants to spend time with me. Part of me feels like we already are in a relationship. But here's the one thing that makes me a little unsure about things, he still has his dating profile up. Mine has been disabled for a while now. Every once in a blue I enable mine for about 30 seconds just to to see if he still has it and then I disable it again. Last time I checked was today and I noticed he had last logged on earlier this morning. I don't really think he's seeing someone else, as we spend so much time together and talk throughout the whole day and evening. But the fact that he hasn't deleted his profile makes me wonder if he's on the same page as me about being exclusive. At the same time, this makes me want to have this conversation even more, b/c I don't want to waste my time with someone who doesn't want the same things. So I'm brought back to how do I bring this up and start the conversation? Should I bring up the dating profile first and see how he feels about removing his profile before leading into what we are? Or the other way around? Any suggestions on how to bring this up casually?
Treasa Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 "Just out of curiosity, are we exclusive or not? I saw you're still active on your dating profile." 3
carhill Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Did he "ask you out"? Do you feel he pursued you romantically? Those were risks. He put it out there that he 'liked' you and wanted to get to know you better, date you, have sex with you, etc, etc. Relationships entail risk. There is no 'safe' path. You appear to wish to know how he feels about you, communicated in both words and actions. Your risk is starting the conversation. My advice would be to tell him how you feel at this point; if that is that you do not wish to consider any other men for a romantic partner, that. Ask him how he feels about that. Listen. Match that up with his actions. If relevant, give him the example of how you demonstrated your feelings by discontinuing your online dating advertisement. Ask how he feels about that? Listen. Accept. If the relationship is healthy, such discussions will foster further intimacy and be a positive experience. Regardless, accept the results as authentic. Good luck.
Babolat Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 You are at that "boundaries" stage. Think about what your boundaries are in a relationship, share a few, see where he is, if he is on the same page, take it from there.
pbjbear Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 One of the last guys I dated I had this issue. Dated him for 3 months, thought things were going well but he was still regularly logging onto the dating site where we met. On another relationship forum I posted a question asking about it and if I should read into it and everyone said it was no big deal. He ended up trying to string me along for some time after that. Pretended he wanted me as a gf but in reality he didnt. I should have listened to my gut...when I really like a guy Im not constantly looking at men on a dating site. When I wanted to stop seeing him he turned it around on me. This may not happen to you but I would advise finding out soon before you waste your time. I understand its a fearful situation but if you dont want to get strung along, just gain some courage and ask him where he thinks things are going
carhill Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 OP, how is your and his emotional intimacy; sharing of hopes, fears and the rest of your and his 'stuff'? Does that feel positive to you? 1
TouchedByViolet Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Since he is regularly logging on into a dating website I would say he is NOT interested in you long term. You have many positive qualities and he enjoys having you in his life currently but is looking for someone else who can satisfy his needs for a relationship. As a guy if I meet a woman who I see becoming my GF I won't be pursuing other woman at all.
Author kitkatz29 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 One of the last guys I dated I had this issue. Dated him for 3 months, thought things were going well but he was still regularly logging onto the dating site where we met. On another relationship forum I posted a question asking about it and if I should read into it and everyone said it was no big deal. He ended up trying to string me along for some time after that. Pretended he wanted me as a gf but in reality he didnt. I should have listened to my gut...when I really like a guy Im not constantly looking at men on a dating site. When I wanted to stop seeing him he turned it around on me. This may not happen to you but I would advise finding out soon before you waste your time. I understand its a fearful situation but if you dont want to get strung along, just gain some courage and ask him where he thinks things are going Yeah, I've been there before as well. With the guy I dated right before this one. I had actually asked him about deleting it after a while because it bothered me so much that he was constantly on it. He proceeded to tell me that he liked going on there for "entertainment" purposes and said he wasn't dating around. But yet, wouldn't remove the profile. Then he ended up meeting some other girl that he ended up choosing over me and for her, he deleted the profile of course. I definitely don't want to be in that situation again. But with that guy, I feel like he was showing more signs that he wasn't into me, I was just ignoring them. He was contacting me less and less and we barely spent time together as he was always "busy." But with the current guy, other than the dating profile, he has definitely shown interest. He always has time for me, and equally initiates us spending time together. So I feel like he would remove his profile if I asked him to. I just can't seem to find the right time to bring it up. We have a dinner to go to on Wed for my friend's bday. While I've met several of his friends on numerous occasions, this will be the first time he meets any of mine. My closest friends think I should bring up the conversation after the dinner.
Author kitkatz29 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 OP, how is your and his emotional intimacy; sharing of hopes, fears and the rest of your and his 'stuff'? Does that feel positive to you? Our emotional intimacy is okay I guess. There hasn't been too much talk about hopes and fears. But we have gotten personal with our discussions and not just relied on superficial conversation topics. We talk about anything and everything, the communication between us is good so far. I guess I'm not really afraid of having this conversation with him. I honestly think it will go well and really do think he wants to be with me. I haven't been this sure in a long time. I just wish there was a way to have this conversation seem more natural when it comes up. I don't want to just blurt things out randomly.
carhill Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Tip: If he seems reticent, there is a factor in male psychology/learning which, for some men, impels them, whenever there is a choice, to keep their mouth shut to avoid saying something 'wrong', even if unaware of the specifics of that wrong. When a man is sideswiped enough, he learns to be quiet, even if that is an error. It's an expansion of the old saying attributed to Abraham Lincoln which goes something like this: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt
Babolat Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Since he is regularly logging on into a dating website I would say he is NOT interested in you long term. You have many positive qualities and he enjoys having you in his life currently but is looking for someone else who can satisfy his needs for a relationship. As a guy if I meet a woman who I see becoming my GF I won't be pursuing other woman at all. Be careful with assuming he is intentionally logging in. Match.com logs you in if you simply open an email from them. I canceled, deleted, deactivated, did everything to get off the site, and so did my GF, though we still get "come back" emails from match. And if you simply open it, just to click on it and delete it from your mail, you are updated to "Active within 24 hours". Google this; lots of dating sites doi it. 2
skylark100 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Do NOT bring up the fact that you were 'spying' on him. Even if you weren't, its a perception, so be very, very careful about this. It shows a lack of trust. The fact that he may have signed in means absolutely nothing. If you read an email from someone on match, in your personal email inbox, it still shows you as being 'active'. He may have just deleted it and nothing ever came of it. Nothing good can come of bringing this up (right now at least). I think you just need to have a up front discussion. You have feelings for him, and you want to know if he has for you too. Instead of putting all these little pieces of info toghether to come up with ' well i think he likes me, but...". Ask him and then you know. I think he does for what its worth 2
Casablanca Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Just ask if you two are exclusive. It will be "out of the blue" but all relationship talks kind of are...they aren't normal topic for conversation, but I wouldnt worry about it. I'd bring up when you two are together and definitely not around other people and dont bring up the OLD thing like someone else mentioned 1
Author kitkatz29 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 Thanks. Yeah I guess there really is no way to bring it up without it being out of the blue or random. I'm gonna just going to bring it up the next time we see each other and are alone. I'm pretty sure we're on the same page about our "relationship." So I'm not that concerned with the outcome, I was moreso concerned with how to bring up the topic. But I'm feeling more confident about just bringing it up no mayter how random it seems. Thanks all for the advice.
Author kitkatz29 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Okay, so an update: I didn't really bring up the "what are we" topic with him, but I did inquire about his dating profile. I asked if he still had it, which he of course said yes. He said that he doesn't really use it though and isn't pursuing anyone on there or anywhere. He also said that he hasn't gone out with another girl or even talked to another girl on there since our first date. Which I believe. So I asked if he was planning to remove his profile. And he responded saying that it's kind of an addiction, that he enjoys reading about ppl so he doesn't know. He also reiterated how he's not looking to pursue anyone else though. So I told him that I had heard that before and proceeded to give him the readers digest version about how the last guy said the same and refused to delete his profile for me and then as soon as he met someone else, he deleted it for her, so clearly he just wasn't into me enough to remove it for me. He mentioned how this is the conundrum of online dating. So I agreed and mentioned that this was one of the issues I had with online dating, that a lot of people on there like to multi-date, and while this can be true and happens a lot outside of online dating, it seems to be a lot easier when online dating because there is more of an opportunity because it's in your face. * Then he asked about me and my profile. So I told him that I had disabled mine a while ago because I didn't really see a point in keeping it. I told him that the only reason I would want to keep it was if I was trying to meet other people which I wasn't. I said that to me if your keeping your profile open your trying to keep your options open.* We dropped the conversation after that for about 10 min. But of course I brought it back up. I told him that I didn't want to be at pain, but before I dropped the subject completely*I wanted to make sure I understood. So I asked if he was saying that he*DIDN'T want to remove his profile and he responded saying "no, I do want to remove it." And he said that he understood where I wss coming from. So I dropped it. I kind of feel better. But I also still feel a little confused BC at first he was unsure about deleting it. But then by the end he said that he wanted to. I guess time will tell... Tonight is one of my best friends bday dinner which he is coming to. While I've met several of his friends on numerous occssions, this is the first time he is meeting any of mine. So I guess we'll see how he acts tonight with me around them.
pbjbear Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Okay, so an update: I didn't really bring up the "what are we" topic with him, but I did inquire about his dating profile. I asked if he still had it, which he of course said yes. He said that he doesn't really use it though and isn't pursuing anyone on there or anywhere. He also said that he hasn't gone out with another girl or even talked to another girl on there since our first date. Which I believe. So I asked if he was planning to remove his profile. And he responded saying that it's kind of an addiction, that he enjoys reading about ppl so he doesn't know. He also reiterated how he's not looking to pursue anyone else though. So I told him that I had heard that before and proceeded to give him the readers digest version about how the last guy said the same and refused to delete his profile for me and then as soon as he met someone else, he deleted it for her, so clearly he just wasn't into me enough to remove it for me. He mentioned how this is the conundrum of online dating. So I agreed and mentioned that this was one of the issues I had with online dating, that a lot of people on there like to multi-date, and while this can be true and happens a lot outside of online dating, it seems to be a lot easier when online dating because there is more of an opportunity because it's in your face. * Then he asked about me and my profile. So I told him that I had disabled mine a while ago because I didn't really see a point in keeping it. I told him that the only reason I would want to keep it was if I was trying to meet other people which I wasn't. I said that to me if your keeping your profile open your trying to keep your options open.* We dropped the conversation after that for about 10 min. But of course I brought it back up. I told him that I didn't want to be at pain, but before I dropped the subject completely*I wanted to make sure I understood. So I asked if he was saying that he*DIDN'T want to remove his profile and he responded saying "no, I do want to remove it." And he said that he understood where I wss coming from. So I dropped it. I kind of feel better. But I also still feel a little confused BC at first he was unsure about deleting it. But then by the end he said that he wanted to. I guess time will tell... Tonight is one of my best friends bday dinner which he is coming to. While I've met several of his friends on numerous occssions, this is the first time he is meeting any of mine. So I guess we'll see how he acts tonight with me around them. Sounds good so far but I would be careful...his comment about him finding it addicting means that he is into getting his ego stroked...men like that tend to always be looking out for other women (at least, in my experience). Not saying to stop seeing him, just be careful.
HitMeNow Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Okay, so an update: I didn't really bring up the "what are we" topic with him, but I did inquire about his dating profile. I asked if he still had it, which he of course said yes. He said that he doesn't really use it though and isn't pursuing anyone on there or anywhere. He also said that he hasn't gone out with another girl or even talked to another girl on there since our first date. Which I believe. So I asked if he was planning to remove his profile. And he responded saying that it's kind of an addiction, that he enjoys reading about ppl so he doesn't know. He also reiterated how he's not looking to pursue anyone else though. So I told him that I had heard that before and proceeded to give him the readers digest version about how the last guy said the same and refused to delete his profile for me and then as soon as he met someone else, he deleted it for her, so clearly he just wasn't into me enough to remove it for me. He mentioned how this is the conundrum of online dating. So I agreed and mentioned that this was one of the issues I had with online dating, that a lot of people on there like to multi-date, and while this can be true and happens a lot outside of online dating, it seems to be a lot easier when online dating because there is more of an opportunity because it's in your face. * Then he asked about me and my profile. So I told him that I had disabled mine a while ago because I didn't really see a point in keeping it. I told him that the only reason I would want to keep it was if I was trying to meet other people which I wasn't. I said that to me if your keeping your profile open your trying to keep your options open.* We dropped the conversation after that for about 10 min. But of course I brought it back up. I told him that I didn't want to be at pain, but before I dropped the subject completely*I wanted to make sure I understood. So I asked if he was saying that he*DIDN'T want to remove his profile and he responded saying "no, I do want to remove it." And he said that he understood where I wss coming from. So I dropped it. I kind of feel better. But I also still feel a little confused BC at first he was unsure about deleting it. But then by the end he said that he wanted to. I guess time will tell... Tonight is one of my best friends bday dinner which he is coming to. While I've met several of his friends on numerous occssions, this is the first time he is meeting any of mine. So I guess we'll see how he acts tonight with me around them. Let me tell you his side of the story....... (Since I've been there). - I am going to keep my options open til we're exculsive, so I don't get hurt and keep being a challenge to her. - I told her "I am not looking for any other girls" hinting at exclusivity and she just hasn't brought it up... maybe she wants to see other people, or maybe I am just her backup plan. - She tells me to close my dating profile... I am confused. I don't really wanna do immediately what she tells me to do, since I am not a doormat, so I am just gonna evade the question. When she insists it's time to give her what she wants, or else I might lose her. You're on your way. GROW A PAIR AND HAVE THE ****ING TALK.
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