Merenishen Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I've been with my current boyfriend for 3 months now. I like him a lot and we have a good time together, however, he has no one here in town he can consider "close." This is not fully his fault. He lived in England for his whole life and only came here to North America for work a year ago. He left his entire life behind in England, including all his best friends. I however have lived here most of my life, and have a pretty established social life. I love him a lot, but I know he's a bit down about having no one really to be able to call up and go out with on weekends. Normally if he has nothing going on he will stay home and play video games. Whenever I choose to go out some day to meet with friends, I feel bad in that I'm abandoning him. I know it's not my problem, but I care about him, and it makes me sad to think of him home alone playing games, and it makes me inclined to want to spend time with him and keep him company. I've gone out considerably less with my friends since we started dating. Although they are very understanding to the fact I'm in a relationship now, I've started to notice particular relationships I used to consider close to be deteriorating now, as I don't get invited out as much anymore, no more coffee/dinner dates, etc. I've taken my boyfriend out with my friends before, and while it was fun, I don't think they are his type of "crowd" and would enjoy himself more with people closer to his likings (he's a huge sports fan most of all, and I'm the opposite in that I like more contemporary stuff like art, writing, etc. He likes bars, pubs and patio, and while I don't mind them, I'm more a club and dance person). Anyway my question is, how can I balance my relationship and friendships ? I absolutely hate to leave my boyfriend behind, but I don't want to lose my friendships. whenever I express a desire to go out, my boyfriend of course does not stop me from going and understands my social life before him, but I KNOW he won't be having fun at home by myself. This thought really does prevent me from enjoying myself while I'm out. He has tried to develop a close group of friends, but he has a bit of a hard time going from "talking at a bar" to "hanging out" and the type of close friend you can just call up and go out with anytime.
Ladybugz Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I im afraid that maybe you are forcing the relationship. But i guess time will tell. I think you are filling everything for him. Like you think he dont like being with your people.etc. What about what he really thinks? And its up to him to do some effort. You can keep inviting him for real instead of out of sorry. Cause people see that and feel that. And maybe he is not a social person. But being at home 24/7 have to do with another issue i guess. But you are not his babysitter. And if you feel like this you should have find out who he was before jumping into it.
Author Merenishen Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 I im afraid that maybe you are forcing the relationship. But i guess time will tell. I think you are filling everything for him. Like you think he dont like being with your people.etc. What about what he really thinks? And its up to him to do some effort. You can keep inviting him for real instead of out of sorry. Cause people see that and feel that. And maybe he is not a social person. But being at home 24/7 have to do with another issue i guess. But you are not his babysitter. And if you feel like this you should have find out who he was before jumping into it.I'm not his baby sitter, you are right, and never once has he made me feel this way. In fact, every single one of my actions up to this point has been my own decision. I just literally can not stand the thought of him by myself. I realize this might sound like I do certain things out of feeling sorry for him (I probably have at some point, and I do recall certain instances where I have cancelled plans with friends last minute to keep my boyfriend company instead). I know if I were in his shoes, I would not want him to spend time with me out of feeling sorry for me, but that realization doesn't make it easier for me to go out and fully enjoy myself. I don't really wish to wait until "time tells" if I'm forcing a relationship or not, but I do know up to a certain degree I AM pressuring myself, and I wish to stop this and just enjoy things, as I am aware if I do not get this under control, it is going to cause problems. I also do know for a fact my friends are not his "crowd." He's gone out with them and me, but he does feel a bit awkward and not fully comfortable as he doesn't know them well, and they're my friends and not his, and like I said, completely different scene. It might also be he's not fully comfortable around them, of course, as he hasn't been around them much, but I know how difficult it is to be comfortable around your SO's friends (few of his friends visited from England in December, and I was in the same shoes of not being able to get comfortable around them, etc etc). Also, do cut me some lack, I'm only 20 (boyfriend is 23) and this is my first healthy relationship (I had two previous relationships - both abusive in nature), so I'm a bit lost in this whole thing where two people are "equals" and I'm not being emotionally manipulated by someone, and I can speak my own mind and feelings.
Geiss Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Maybe your boyfriend is introverted. And if that is the case then him being alone while you are out shouldn't bother him all that much. I'm sure he would like to be with you but introverts can handle being alone. In fact they like it and need it sometimes.
FitChick Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 There are many British expat forums. Tell him to google and join one he likes. He will probably discover many expats in his area in the same situation and then he and you can meet similar couples.
Chs Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 In my last LTR i had many friends, but i chose not to go out too much since it didn't interest me all that much when i was going to be relationship boring anyway. But even if it sounds cruel, one of my favorite times of the week was when i had just spent a day or two of the weekend with my girlfriend, and finally got to be alone and just play some damn video games. It's kind of like a break, and im sure it doesen't trouble him at all if you go out even once every weekend like that. Sure it might be a problem for him that he has few friends, but it's still his job to try and build a network and you definetly should not feel that weight for him, even if it's very nice and caring of you.
TheZebra Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 It is just the natural progression of a relationship as your singlehood convulses in its death throes hoping to claw on to life. If you can't handle a relationship yet you should go back to being single ready to mingle. Relationships aren't for everyone. Are you trying to say that just because she's in a relationship it means that she has to be with him whenever they go out? Because if so then that's unhealthy... both people in the relationship should be able to have alone time and time with just their own friends. You don't need to be glued at the hips.
TheZebra Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 When you are in a true relationship there is no more of this is mine and that is yours. There is only ours. Lol, yeah in self-destructive relationships. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean that you're two cells joining together. You're both still individuals. You're both still different people. Different people have different hobbies and different friends. What you're suggesting is incredibly unhealthy. My ex's friends were his friends, and mine were mine. Sometimes we all went out together, sometimes I went out only with my best friend, sometimes he joined up with his friends. We were all happy. Same thing with alone time. Everyone needs time alone in their relationship. I would've gone crazy if I had to spend every moment with the guy and he felt the same way. There were times we took a few days off from seeing each other and it was great. We each got to do our own things.
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 OP, it seems like you think everybody thinks and feels like you do. As an introvert, I enjoy spending time alone. I will even turn down social invitations to just chill at home with my cat. Maybe your bf doesn't need to be around people 24/7 to feel happy. It's really presumptuous of you to feel sorry for him because he is alone. Maybe he feels sorry for you when you have to go out? 1
Keenly Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Just let the man be. We introverted gamers prefer to be at home playing anyway. You are creating a problem where there is none.
Keenly Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 He's getting sex without leaving the house. Yeah, and?
Keenly Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 There is no and. That's what is happening in her relationship. So what's the problem? She obviously likes him for him. Some people, especially here on love shack, don't understand that people like different things. If he is happy, and she is happy with him, is there really a problem ?
Joaquin Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 (edited) He has no close friends because he hasn't been in town long enough to make any. He may not, but that may not be a flaw on his part. Most guys I know had there close friends by 25. Anyone else they met came and went through meeting at work, moving around etc. I haven't made a new gd friend who I could call at a moments notice since I left college. It's hard to move to a new city and takes a lot of time. You had the benefit of staying put. Others have to move around. It's life. You sound supportive tho. I'd say Keep including him, but also keep a bit of space for yourself with yr mates for the gd of you both. It probably bothers him far less than you realise. Edited January 28, 2013 by Joaquin 2
Author Merenishen Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 Everyone here saying I'm assuming and that he's introverted is actually wrong... The guy himself has TOLD me he's down about that and he misses his full social life back home. I've SEEN him get down when I leave to go out with my friends, and it actually hurts me to leave him behind when he's like that. I'm not his baby sitter, but can you blame me for caring? Oxykitten, all I have to say to you is that you are an idiot.
charlietheginger Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 (edited) She has friends He has no friends she wants him to be friends with her friends He doesn't want her friends Prob doesnt want friends He didnt relize she came with a social circle Edited January 29, 2013 by charlietheginger
FitChick Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 If you live in a decent sized city you should have no problem finding other Brits. Go to the nearest pub or expat shop.
SpiralOut Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 What is he doing to try and meet new people?
StanMusial Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 He's down because his sex on legs is going out the door not because he needs friends. His games are his friends. I tend to agree. If he was a more social type hell he would be buddying up with coworkers or neighbors or anyone he may encounter. He sounds more like a video game nerd, satisfied to stay cooped up indoors.
mustangguy29 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Whenever I choose to go out some day to meet with friends, I feel bad in that I'm abandoning him. I know it's not my problem, but I care about him, and it makes me sad to think of him home alone playing games, and it makes me inclined to want to spend time with him and keep him company. I love it when my girlfriend goes out with the girls, and I get to finally play some video games. That said... If you really think he would be happier with some more friends, plant the seed for him to get some. He is from England so he probably likes soccer. Find a local soccer team and buy tickets in the supporters section of the stadium. He will meet a lot like minded people, and before you know it, he will be doing things with them, outside of soccer. If he doesn't like soccer, pick something he does like, and expose him to people he will mesh with, and he will make friends.
Author Merenishen Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 Some guys just want a gf or wife and that's it. He feels socially pressured by you to be as social as you so he'll get your approval and won't leave him.I repeat: you are an idiot. You clearly generalize and have no idea what you're talking about. I can clearly say you're an idiot because I can tell you that 100% he's not like that lol. I've never ever pressured him to be social. But it doesn't matter what I say, because your stuck in your mindset that all guys just want is sex. Which is so far from the truth. Clearly someone's bitter. And once again people, HE IS NOT AN INTROVERT. @mustangguy29: Thanks for your reply. You are very right, soccer is his #1 thing. =P His first year here he went to every game for the local sports team here, and from what he's told me, he has no problems making "ingame friends", where you bond during the game or whatever event, but he's had a hard time making them "outside friends." Sad to say I'm the same when it comes to those type of scenarios (I also moved around a lot early in my life, so I know the feeling), so I couldn't give him any good advice to how to make that "transition" from on-the-spot friend to a friend you can go out with. Also on a random side note, why is it that most people on this forum are so jaded?
SpiralOut Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 OP, just ignore the negative comments. Since he's extraverted he should try going to meetup groups or join a sports team, do some volunteer work or take a parttime class for fun. Maybe you could do something like that together and both meet new people.
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