Complicated affair

[Brian1]

I only got through 5 pages of this entire discussion. I plan on reading the rest when I have time. Apologies if this has already been stated.

 

Brian1, I think what you are really afraid of is losing 1/2 of your wealth and the power and status that that wealth brings you.

 

From what I have read, you sound like a wealthy, successful man by virtue of being able to set up his mistress with houses and a business that apparently would barely register a blip on your overall finances for your wife to notice.

 

I'm guessing that from a legal standpoint that your wife would be entitled to at least 1/2 of your net worth should she find out about everything and divorces you. She might be able to leverage a more beneficial divorce settlement if she has information that could have impact on your business, societal, or public reputation.

 

You lord over your girlfriends financial status to control her (I think you mentioned that you bought a house in your daughter's name that goes 100% your girlfriend when your daughter turns 18 if your GF abides by conditions you dictate). I'm guessing your wife has been on the business end of similar control tactics by you for probably the brunt of your marriage.

 

I'm not sure where you live (I'm guessing the UK), but I am pretty sure that indentured servitude is outlawed in most western countries. I think what you have done - in essence - is that you have used your wealth to financially and emotionally enslave both your wife and girlfriend.

 

Just my two cents.

 

I did mention in other posts but to recap. I live in the U.S. and my wife and I have a very generous prenuptial agreement. From a financial side, none of the three of us will have too many problems no matter what happens. But like I said before, I think all three of us would prefer lifelong emotional happiness over financial happiness.

[fllygirl]

Results are in...POSITIVE. I am now officially a certified father. I'm so happy. Now the work starts, officially. I'll raise my daughter the best that I can.

 

Next step on my plan is to legalize myself as the father of my daughter.

 

Congrats! First step is done!

[Brian1]

this is what I don't get....

 

you know that what you're doing is wrong and hurtful- not something someone should do, yet you don't stop. you have a have extended time frame for ending all of this, but why? will adding another year really make things any easier, or will it just make it even harder for everyone involved?

 

You are very accurate in your perceptions. I am pushing the truth and the "doing the right thing" actions off, perhaps subconsciously as best I can. But I know none of us can live 40 more years under these conditions. It's like an alcoholic or smoker trying to kick the habit. Very difficult, although the solution is right in front of me.

[waterwoman]

Congratulations! xx

 

What now?

[Brian1]

I can't speak for how your wife feels for certain, but i would caution you from making the assumption that because she tends to be very calm and quiet that she is content.

 

She may be like me...everyone always tells me how calm and quiet I seem, how nothing seems to get to me and how I am very strong and can endure any crisis. They interpret this to mean that i am content and that not much bothers me ( also that i don't feel things as deeply as they do)

 

they are very wrong. People like me can and do feel things every bit as deeply as those prone to making passionate displays. We just aren't good at showing it. Part of that could be that people come to depend on us to be strong for them, and we feel as if we can't allow ourselves to break down or show the "highs and lows" most others have....but believe me, they are there. It's not really a pleasant way to be...

 

It's not your fault, but your wife may feel that because you are prone to such highs and lows, that she has to be stable for you, be strong for you and not allow her emotions to get you down. She may see herself as the "steady" one and you as they more "emotional" one, but please don't be fooled. Her feelings run just as deep, and probably more so, as she may not feel she has an outlet for them.

 

BTW, congratulations on finding out that your little girl is really "yours". I expect that you feel a great sense of relief. Now the hard work begins, and you can't put it off much longer.

 

You described my wifes' and my characters perfectly. The only thing is you have them reversed. I am considered the calm, cool rock in our household and she is the emotional one. I hide my emotions very well and she wears her emotions on her sleeve.

 

Thanks for the congrats.

[Fleur de Lis]

I did mention in other posts but to recap. I live in the U.S. and my wife and I have a very generous prenuptial agreement. From a financial side, none of the three of us will have too many problems no matter what happens. But like I said before, I think all three of us would prefer lifelong emotional happiness over financial happiness.

 

I'm not an attorney, but I *think* I understand enough about the legal system to know that a prenuptial agreement is exactly that: an agreement. The part I think you may not appreciate is that your side of the agreement entails that you provide a normal marriage/home life. I'd be willing to bet that most courts in the US would find that the fact that you had a mistress who you secretly provided with a business and a home and who you secretly had a child with might be grounds to invalidate the prenuptial. Your wife kept her 1/2 of the agreement, you did not keep your 1/2.

 

I also think your wife might have a claim to 1/2 of the house and 1/2 of the business that you set your baby momma up with.

[Brian1]

I'm not an attorney, but I *think* I understand enough about the legal system to know that a prenuptial agreement is exactly that: an agreement. The part I think you may not appreciate is that your side of the agreement entails that you provide a normal marriage/home life. I'd be willing to bet that most courts in the US would find that the fact that you had a mistress who you secretly provided with a business and a home and who you secretly had a child with might be grounds to invalidate the prenuptial. Your wife kept her 1/2 of the agreement, you did not keep your 1/2.

 

I also think your wife might have a claim to 1/2 of the house and 1/2 of the business that you set your baby momma up with.

 

First off, the prenuptial agreement is very detailed, in my favor, seeing that they were my assets before the marriage. The whole reason for a prenuptial agreement is so an existing business and it's employees isn't disrupted if there were to be a divorce. What I've accumulated after the marriage vows could be debated. Second of all, all of the violations you site that I engaged in, obviously need to be proven first. And if they are proven beyond a reasonable doubt, then my wife could possibly get a little more. But, once again, the financial part is not an issue for me. I could easily give my wife 70% of my assets, and still be very content, financially.

[2sunny]

It certainly must give you peace of mind that the child is yours...hooray for you.

 

When do you planting hand that peace of mind to your wife, since now you know the child is yours?

[Brian1]

It certainly must give you peace of mind that the child is yours...hooray for you.

 

When do you planting hand that peace of mind to your wife, since now you know the child is yours?

 

My plan is in motion. The last stop is letting my wife know what's been going on.

My wife and I were talking today over dinner about her father, who died 26 years ago at the young age of 43. She loved her father very much. Her father had at least 2 different affairs and had 2 children outside of his marriage. One of the children he accepted and cared for. The other, who is the sister of the first, he did not. I don't know all the details. But my wife said she feels very bad that her father rejected the second child because of a problem he had with the childs' mother, his OW.

[Realist3]

It sounds like your wife may adapt to this news fairly well. The big question mark is your OW, and you both will feel if you have to call it off with her?

[Brian1]

It sounds like your wife may adapt to this news fairly well. The big question mark is your OW, and you both will feel if you have to call it off with her?

 

I believe my wife, after some time, will adapt. You're right. The big dilemma is having to call it off with my OW. Neither one of us wants it to end. At least not now. Who knows years down the road, but right now we're going great.

[Realist3]

Thatis really a tough situation. You already mentioned some scenarios you have thought about, but perhaps you may not have to end it.

[Brian1]

Thatis really a tough situation. You already mentioned some scenarios you have thought about, but perhaps you may not have to end it.

 

How do you see that happening?

[Lillyfree]

I believe my wife, after some time, will adapt. You're right. The big dilemma is having to call it off with my OW. Neither one of us wants it to end. At least not now. Who knows years down the road, but right now we're going great.

 

so what you're saying is that even though you now now the child is yours, you will keep the status quo for years because you like having it all. 'years down the road' your daughter will be able to understand what's going on and will have some serious issues, just because daddy wanted to cake eat.

[Brian1]

so what you're saying is that even though you now now the child is yours, you will keep the status quo for years because you like having it all. 'years down the road' your daughter will be able to understand what's going on and will have some serious issues, just because daddy wanted to cake eat.

 

First of all, I have to admit, I really enjoy a good piece of cake every now and then (especially chocolate). Second of all, I have a plan and I am planning on sticking to that plan to the best of my ability.

[Lillyfree]

First of all, I have to admit, I really enjoy a good piece of cake every now and then (especially chocolate). Second of all, I have a plan and I am planning on sticking to that plan to the best of my ability.

 

first of all, really? is that joke supposed to be funny? cos you might want to bring in new writers.

 

second of all, i never questioned that you had a plan, i was just saying that your plan is self-serving and not at all beneficial to the most innocent and vulnerable party.

 

but yeah, you continue to make smart-arsey jokes every time you receive a response questioning your 'plan'. it must be easier that way.

[Brian1]

first of all, really? is that joke supposed to be funny? cos you might want to bring in new writers.

 

second of all, i never questioned that you had a plan, i was just saying that your plan is self-serving and not at all beneficial to the most innocent and vulnerable party.

 

but yeah, you continue to make smart-arsey jokes every time you receive a response questioning your 'plan'. it must be easier that way.

 

Sorry about the bad joke, but it was hard to resist.

 

I believe my plan serves most to the betterment of my daughter's life than any of the other three. She is innocent and vulnerable and I want her to come out of this with as few scars as possible.

[Realist3]

How do you see that happening?

 

If your wife decides to stay There will have to be an acceptance that you and your girlfriend will still have a lot of contact. What type of contact that is, is up to you.

[Brian1]

If your wife decides to stay There will have to be an acceptance that you and your girlfriend will still have a lot of contact. What type of contact that is, is up to you.

 

Well, if I'm lucky enough that my wife decides to stay after finding out the details of my affair, there will be no way at all that she will accept that I see my OW alone. She might accept that we have contact only in the transfer of my daughter for my visitations. And maybe until my daughter becomes comfortable in her new environment. I think, sadly, my dream of having romantic contact with both women is soon to end.

[Brian1]

it all depends on how you look at it...

 

if brian is honest with his wife and tells her what has happened, and if she decides to reconcile, then it would seem that she has every right to expect that her wishes re: contact with his then ex-other woman be respected.

 

This doesn't mean that she should expect him to have zero contact with his daughter...she'll have to find a way to separate his daughter ( now her step daughter) from what took place between him and his ex other woman.

He doesn't need to have extended contact with his ex- there are lots of divorced parents who are amicable, but don't have daily or even weekly contact...the only contact is about their children...nothing more. If that is what his wife wants, then, if he is to reconcile, then that's what he'll need to do.

That doesn't mean he has to be cruel to his ex-other woman, but rather that he will need to set some very firm boundaries between he two of them and it will have to be the end of any relation beyond being co-parents ( if that is what his wife wants)....best to sort all that out now while your daughter is still very young

 

Brian...whatever decision you make, remember that it will be teaching your daughter a lot of the value of women and love in general...do yu wna to teach her that it's okay to be deceptive and lie and manipulate the women in your life to have your needs met, or do you want to teach her that people have value, that commitment means something, that honesty has value and is important, that it's not okay to lie and hurt the one you say you love? It won't be long before she's going to be a young lady and dating...what kind of lesson do you want to teach her? What kind of treatment do you want to teach her to accept?

 

All good points. Thanks for the comments.

[Brian1]

:eek::eek:Nothing, nada, no empathy for anyone but yourself....God help the people in your life and the people you leave in the wake of your mess.

 

I'm sorry that you understood my comments in that way.

[veryhappy]

Brian, poligamy is not legal in the western world. Your dream was never realistic, although this is what you've tried hard to build in your own way.

[Realist3]

Well, if I'm lucky enough that my wife decides to stay after finding out the details of my affair, there will be no way at all that she will accept that I see my OW alone. She might accept that we have contact only in the transfer of my daughter for my visitations. And maybe until my daughter becomes comfortable in her new environment. I think, sadly, my dream of having romantic contact with both women is soon to end.

 

Assuming that you won't be under lock and key; the same opportunities that have afforded this to go on for 5 years will likely still be there.

[woinlove]

Assuming that you won't be under lock and key; the same opportunities that have afforded this to go on for 5 years will likely still be there.

 

Things won't stay the same. In the future he'll have to keep that secret from his daughter too if she is going to spend time with him and his wife, or she might let something slip out. The OW may be willing to go along with whatever deception, but I don't see why the daughter would when she is older.

[Realist3]

Things won't stay the same. In the future he'll have to keep that secret from his daughter too if she is going to spend time with him and his wife, or she might let something slip out. The OW may be willing to go along with whatever deception, but I don't see why the daughter would when she is older.

 

As she gets older, yes. But asshe gets older she will also be in school. It doesn't have to happen right in front of her face.