munkysrilla Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Hello all. Im new to the site. Been lurking and want to get some opinions on my situation. I was in a relationship with a young woman that ended unfortunately. I had the largest hand in the breakup because i wasn't properly looking at issues from her view which didn't allow me to address her concerns in a satisfactory way. There was a time when she was willing to forgive and try again but she said there was always something that got the way of a reunion. Anytime dialog about issues would arise the word "perception" would arise and add to the tension. I know the definition of perception, but what i dont understand is why her perception turns into a reality that isnt accurate. Thanks for your help and answers.
juliabrookes Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 One thing about relationships is trying to view each issue from your partners point of view, "perception". Sometimes men want to solve all the problems instead of listening and supporting. I'm not saying to support a reality that isn't accurate, but perhaps in certain situations you don't always have to be right. Perhaps provide an example of an "issue" that wasn't quite accurate.
Babolat Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Learning to listen, versus solved, has made my current relationship sooo much better. I am a solver....yes, listen to a woman, and be patient as it may take her a long time to share/tell her story.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Everyone has perceptions, but not everyone draws conclusions and reinforces their conclusions as facts. People who do that are what we call "judgemental". They presume to be somewhat infallible in their perceptions and thus take their perceptions and turn them into defended "contentions". The more you try to use reason against the contention to achieve an understanding, the more the contentious person turns it from a dispute about an issue into a personal attack on their faculties. Been through this ad museum and know it well. It doesn't just happen between couples but also happens everywhere human interact not the least of which is between parents and their off spring.
Author munkysrilla Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 Thanks for your insight guys. An example of the perception issue. Ok shes very very sensitive and when issues arise i listen to what she says and try to look at what she says. From as many angles as i can. When i respond she says that i say nothing and she perceives that i dont care, not actively engaged in her dialogue and i refuse to grasp her viewpoint. When in all reality im trying not to say anything thatll cause more friction while looking for words to show that im accepting what she says and how she feels about it. Now when i tell her about perceptions of what things bother me im left with well that just your perception and shes said what shes had to say im left with my mouth wide open.
mavendark Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Thanks for your insight guys. An example of the perception issue. Ok shes very very sensitive and when issues arise i listen to what she says and try to look at what she says. From as many angles as i can. When i respond she says that i say nothing and she perceives that i dont care, not actively engaged in her dialogue and i refuse to grasp her viewpoint. When in all reality im trying not to say anything thatll cause more friction while looking for words to show that im accepting what she says and how she feels about it. Now when i tell her about perceptions of what things bother me im left with well that just your perception and shes said what shes had to say im left with my mouth wide open. I think it's because you are approaching these situations from a very manly/logical point of view. Women really do not like that when they are overly emotional. They want someone who can sympathize and "understand" their feelings (whatever that may be). At times, when arguing or when issues arise, all they want to feel is supported, and loved. And not to be treated like a math problem from work or school.
Author munkysrilla Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 I think it's because you are approaching these situations from a very manly/logical point of view. Women really do not like that when they are overly emotional. They want someone who can sympathize and "understand" their feelings (whatever that may be). At times, when arguing or when issues arise, all they want to feel is supported, and loved. And not to be treated like a math problem from work or school. So how do you show support outside of understandings listening. How can I agree with a perception that I know is not accurate.
juliabrookes Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 So how do you show support outside of understandings listening. How can I agree with a perception that I know is not accurate. You don't have to agree, you have to support. If she "feels" like you are not romantic, or loving, etc for example...she is entitled to her feelings. You don't have to agree with her, but perhaps ask her what is her definition of romantic is, or how to make her feel more loved. However, if the issue isn't about her feelings, but she just wants to be right all the time, perhaps this relationship needs more insight. Talk to her friends, family and see if this issue extends beyond your relationship. If you are not the only person, hopefully you can shine a light on what may really be going on.
mavendark Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 You don't have to agree, you have to support. If she "feels" like you are not romantic, or loving, etc for example...she is entitled to her feelings. You don't have to agree with her, but perhaps ask her what is her definition of romantic is, or how to make her feel more loved. However, if the issue isn't about her feelings, but she just wants to be right all the time, perhaps this relationship needs more insight. Talk to her friends, family and see if this issue extends beyond your relationship. If you are not the only person, hopefully you can shine a light on what may really be going on. Exactly, you don't have to agree, you just have to accept what she feels and be supportive. It definitely helps to just hug her and say sweet things to her when she's emotional/crying. Then when she is calm bring up the subject again (if it's a big issue) and correct her or come to a compromise/agreement. I would also take Juliabrookes' advice and find out if it's her feelings or if she just wants to be right all the time.
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