What now? 3months out

[movin it]

Ok so 3 months after my ex broke up with me because she "lost the spark" but said shes not "written us off being together in the future," ive been working on myself and learning to better myself because i had turned to a wimp, so i went minimal contact for 3 months with her.

 

I recently called her and she was really happy to hear from me, she slipped up that she had been stalking my fbook and also mentioned she has been having some really sad times since the break up, and she wasnt feeling happy about her body because shes been drinking a lot, which i didnt let the convo go into stuff about the old relationship because i wanted to keep it light hearted, she got really excited when i asked to catch up for a coffee.

 

Then next morning she txt me saying "I loved chatting last night, its good we can do that, have a good day :)"

Then a bit later in the day she fbook msgd me to tell me what she got up to in the day i did reply but just light answers nothing serious.

 

Anyway the day before we were due to meet up for coffee she txt me saying "can we delay the catch up because i'm not in a good state at the moment and id rather catch up when im happy if thats ok?"

 

I said yeah no problems when ever your ready.

 

She asked if we can catch up when she returns from interstate in 3 months, but would still like to keep in touch in the mean time.

 

I'm confused is anyone aable to shed some light as to what could be going on here?

 

This girl means a lot to me and i'd love to be able to start a new relationship with her with the new improved me if its possible.

 

Any help would be so much appreciated.

[Mavrick009]

It's good that you are recognizing that you (and she) have room for some improvement in both your lives. And it's good that you kept the recent convos light-hearted. It helps to give her positive thought association when she hears from/thinks of you. Being supportive with minimal pressure on her was also a plus.

 

Now, as for these upcoming 3 months, I would highly suggest anything to keep from being stagnant/dormant. If you haven't already seen Silver Linings Playbook I would highly recommend it for you. Conceptually, it sounds like you and Bradley Cooper's character kind of have the same dilemma for improvement. (well, and Jennifer Lawrence is nice to look at, IMO). Your ex did say (by your own words) that she would still like to keep in touch in the mean time. So, it's not like she's just cutting you off cold turkey.

 

I would recommend doing any activities that help your body and/or soul. Moderate Exercise and T'ai Chi (w meditation) can be good starting points. They are what I consider to be lower-impact and "getting your mindset right" before getting into more serious mind/body training. Heck, if all else fails just start walking around your house/block. At least that will suffice for exercise and change of pace/scenery.

 

If you happen to find anything enlightening on your "3 month quest" that you think she might like, or more importantly, benefit from in a positive way, send it to her. But I would limit it to probably twice a wk at the most. You don't want to over-do it by any means. More like a subtle reminder, "hey, thinking of you and how you might like this with a smile." You don't want to make it sound like you're bragging to her or trying to overly-impress her.

 

And, very importantly, don't wait around for a response as best as you can. You implicitly want to convey that you are dropping by a tip for someone you care about; not emotionally reaching for some validation from insecurity. Remember, the "3-month quest" for improvement is primarily for YOU to improve. (I understand that you still would like her back at some point.

[TaraMaiden]

You may be 'new and improved' but it sounds as if she has some serious problems.

She admits this and cites it as a reason for not meeting you.

What could or might she do in the interim 3 months to get herself back on track?

Why is she going 'interstate'....?

 

She wants to meet up when 'she's happy' - how can she be sure that she will be happy in 3 months?

 

And what does she expect you to do in the 3 months... sit there patiently twiddling your thumbs?

 

Really?

 

And if after those three months she's changed her mind/wants more time/ isn't happy - what then?

 

I smell a dysfunctional ex-.....

 

My personal response would have been:

 

"Okay, by all means take your time, let me know when you're ready. In the meantime, can't put my life on hold for you. Realise you have some issues you want to address, so I wish you luck, and hope you do well.

If you feel you want to pick up at some later date, feel free to get in touch, to see where I'm at. Can't promise anything, because life is for living, but maybe I'll hear from you down the line. Good luck, hope everything works for you."

 

That tells her you're happy, not chasing - and the balls' in her court.

if she's serious - she WILL be back. If she expects you to hang around for her and put your life on hold - then you know she's being unreasonable and expecting you to roll over, puppy-style.

 

Don't make her more important than you, while you owe her nothing.

[Mavrick009]

I do agree with most of what TaraMaiden wrote. I don't quite know for sure if you want to go as "black-and-white" as TM put it, but she makes all valid points. Only you know how fragile or defensive your ex is with the way statements are worded. I believe TM's instincts on the situation are mostly correct, as I agree with previous track records (my own included, in this instance).

 

That tells her you're happy, not chasing - and the balls' in her court.

if she's serious - she WILL be back. If she expects you to hang around for her and put your life on hold - then you know she's being unreasonable and expecting you to roll over, puppy-style.

 

Don't make her more important than you, while you owe her nothing.

 

I so agree with this part of the reply. As I tried to stress, improve YOU first. And just check in with "positive messages" at a long interval. (I say "long" bc what you think is long is a reasonable amount of time for us 3rd parties looking at this from the outside-in.) Focus on you, bc if she even whiffs the scent of you catering your improvement to her, it will almost reek of "over-impressing". She wants a person who is trying to improve themselves regardless of who might notice it. (even if she doesnt recognize this fact herself yet...)

 

If she is someone who can be right for you, she will recognize the improvement, and try to "chase" you back. DO NOT AIM FOR THIS. If you notice the "chasing", it was meant to happen. If not, (and I know you don't want to hear this...) it was always going to be an uphill struggle anyway. You'll be giving more energy to the relationship, than is worth what you deserve. If you put in the improvement work, you will better recognize what you truly want and deserve, regardless of the other person.

[Cali408]

Move on and find someone else. Put your emotions aside and do an honest evaluation of her. I'll guarantee you there are more negatives than positives. Have some self esteem and don't fall into her trap. She's lonely and will run away again once she gets her footing.