NC:I told her to expect a letter but now think that was a bad idea.

[Silas]

Hi,

 

I have been reading this forum all night and it is full of smart people and encouraging advice. I have joined and hope to find some help as well as share what I have learned myself.

 

My situation:

She broke up with me a year ago now. We had been together almost four years and co-habitated. She communicated nothing she was dealing with until she decided she had to end it in a desperately selfish act. (She has done that kind of thing before.) I was never given a chance to fight for it. There was no negotiating and I felt my love and trust completely betrayed. I thought we were starting a life together. I had planned to marry her. I was devastated.

 

At first she didn't know what she wanted and still wanted sex, comfort, all that. I couldn't take this and told her I needed space and time. I was then NC for about 3 months. After this we had breakfast together because she was going to move and wanted to see me. She didn't say much and I did most of the apologizing for what I felt responsible for. We went over our well-wishes for each other and kept it amiable. She didn't really respond much to any of the insights I had about our relationship or myself. I asked if we would be friends. She said, "Maybe. In time."

 

Since then I have held NC and went through a lot of anger I have never expressed. She moved to LA to become a different person and live a different life. She contacted me recently about some thing that we had owned together and getting me some money. Not feeling comfortable with calling her back, I emailed her the info. She got upset and said that "she was utterly clueless as to why it was so hard for me to interact with her." I realized that she truly was clueless and had no idea how I had felt or what I had been through or just what she had done to me. To some degree, I remind myself, it is not entirely her fault as she has never been dumped. I told her then that I had meant to explain everything to her in a letter after she moved. She said okay and texted me the address she will be at until the end of January.

 

Since then, most of the anger I feel has passed and I have busied myself with planning a trip that I have dreamed of taking my whole life. I am taking it alone in May. I am feeling confident and present/future oriented. I have also started dating a bit and met a girl who is amazingly more mature than what left me. I see potential with her but want to remain single for a while to make my dream come true.

 

So then, this letter to the ex that is supposed to explain why I have had a hard time interacting with her has been something that I have been writing in my head for months. I have taken notes regularly about all I want to get in there. I also have felt lately as I actually sat down to write it that I am not angry anymore and it isn't about blame. I just want to understand what happened with her and have the chance for her to understand what happened with me. You know, to learn from it. I also have hopes of us being friends in the end.

 

My goal with the letter was to get it all off my chest and let it go once and for all so I can focus on me and my life now and in the future. I told myself that I didn't even care if I got a response. If I said these things, if she heard about my pain and my perspective, I would be free. I recognized fully that she may not even be in a place to understand. We have diverged as people, as my friend says.

 

So, the problem is that when I started to write the letter it started coming out angry at the end. Or I started questioning her feelings or decisions. It started to feel like I was trying to get something out of her after all. So, I set it down for a few days. The other night I had a beer with that same friend and he told me that the most powerful thing I could do for myself was to not have to say anything. To truly let go. I now like this idea even more and think he is probably right.

 

Problem is, she is already expecting this letter in which I promised to clear everything up. I would have to send it in the next day or two. If I decide not to send the letter, do I say anything regarding my changed mind? If I don't, will it leave things on a bad note? Does it make me look mean or weak? Should I even worry about upsetting or confusing her? Or can I send a short message wishing her well so she won't wonder why I didn't send her anything? I am confused as hell. I feel like I made a promise I shouldn't have and now I want to back out. How do I do that without ruining her opinion of me and destroying any chance I have of being her friend someday?

 

I know that was a lot. Thank you for reading.

 

I want to do what's best for me but I want to be respectful too.

 

Any advice?

 

~Silas

 

Bonus question! -- Her Mother still loves me and lives here and wants to get coffee with me. I do miss her but think it would be difficult and I don't want to hear about my ex or for her to think that everything is hunky dory. Is it possible for us to have a friendship while I am not talking to her daughter?

[Ordinaryday]

There is NOTHING you could possibly say to her in a letter that would make you feel better or give you the closure you need. I know this because in the past when I have been dumped I also sent lengthy letters in which I poured out my heart to the ex and the result of doing this ALWAYS made me feel worse.

they would either 1) flat out ignore the letter which would make me feel terrible as if I am not even worth a response, or 2) send me a letter in response to me, in which they picked apart my letter and contradicted things I wrote and said things like 'yeah but that is ONLY YOUR PERSPECTIVE'. This made me worse because they ere not even acknowledging my feelings.

 

And finally, sending a letter may give them closure and make them feel all right about dumping you, if you have a heart to heart with her about it. Call me bitter, but I dont want to give them that closure.

 

I have learned the most effective thing you could write is something short and to the point like 'I want to make things work with you, and unless you want to work it out and give us another try then we have nothing to say to each other. Please don't contact me again unless it is about reconciling'. A short letter like that gives her no closure and lets her know exactly where you stand.

[LostOne1]

There is NOTHING you could possibly say to her in a letter that would make you feel better or give you the closure you need. I know this because in the past when I have been dumped I also sent lengthy letters in which I poured out my heart to the ex and the result of doing this ALWAYS made me feel worse.

they would either 1) flat out ignore the letter which would make me feel terrible as if I am not even worth a response, or 2) send me a letter in response to me, in which they picked apart my letter and contradicted things I wrote and said things like 'yeah but that is ONLY YOUR PERSPECTIVE'. This made me worse because they ere not even acknowledging my feelings.

 

And finally, sending a letter may give them closure and make them feel all right about dumping you, if you have a heart to heart with her about it. Call me bitter, but I dont want to give them that closure.

 

I have learned the most effective thing you could write is something short and to the point like 'I want to make things work with you, and unless you want to work it out and give us another try then we have nothing to say to each other. Please don't contact me again unless it is about reconciling'. A short letter like that gives her no closure and lets her know exactly where you stand.

Great tips and ideas. This is a VERY good idea.

 

I sent my ex letters.. it did NOTHING. She showed NO emotions or if she did.. all she ever said was I WISH you did this earlier on in the relationship or that she doesn't want it anymore and this is a waste of time.

 

So take our advice here and just say nothing anymore. Trust me saying anything is a WASTE. nothing you will say will go into their head.. it's like they have a filter and it just filters all your effort in and out without taking or understanding any of it.

 

I learned the hard way! So learn from our mistakes.