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*WARNING: LONG* Situation is completely unworkable, don't know if I should leave.


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Posted

I need some thoughts and neutral opinions on what I should do concerning my LTR. A brief history: we met 15 years ago, dated briefly and broke up - after 12 years, we were reunited and now have been together for 3 years.

We were both living in a large Northeastern city at the time (something that has bearing, as you will see as you go along). During the 12 years of separation, we both carried on with our lives, but when we reunited, we found ourselves living in the same state, and I agreed to come and live with him to "get our life together started"...

 

The situation is this: we live in a rural area in the South that has virtually no employment, short of minimum-wage style jobs. Both of us are extremely skilled in our respective fields, but have been reduced to basically "taking anything" in order to survive. Throw an additional wrench in here, now: I am currently learning how to drive a car (yes, at 32, ack!), so until I obtain my driver's license, I am more or less stuck in the house and can go nowhere, not even to get groceries. (I never needed to learned how to drive in my previous residence, as it was a large city with excellent public transportation.)

 

When I first moved here with him, I was the sole breadwinner: he could not find employment, so the care of the house, bills, etc., fell on my shoulders. It was extremely stressful, as I did not make enough to meet basic needs, and we've faced everything from myriad cutoff notices to almost starving to death (at one point during the 2003 holidays, we had no food at all and were reduced to eating bread heels and water to survive). For a brief period of time, we were both employed and things started to get better, but for one reason or another (usually layoffs in both of our cases, at one point my place of employment burned down), one of us would lose our job and we'd be back to the same situation. My entire 3 years in this town have been a constant, endless string of bad luck, it seems. At this current time, he is employed (again making virtually minimum wage) and I am searching for work (with, it seems, no luck at all).

 

The solution at this point seems simple, right? Get *away* from this town - well, that's exactly what I want to do. He, on the other hand, has family here and does not wish to leave. (His family has been incredibly supportive, at one point literally shouldering our bills, and I feel eternally guilty for *that*.) I have argued with him ceaselessly about this, but his mindset is "If we leave here, that means we've given up and I'm not ready to give up yet!" (He can be extremely, extremely stubborn... argh.)

 

I am extremely depressed about this whole situation. I desperately want to leave here and go back to the Northeast, where my skills and abilities will not only be welcomed, but I will be paid the amount that I am worth. I have endlessly pointed out the fact to him that if he were to come back with me, he would *also* be able to get work, and to make the salary that he's worth. At this point it's not even a matter of being financially comfortable, but a matter of *survival*. We've received yet another cutoff notice today, and I just feel as if I'm in a huge black hole that I can't get out of - unless I leave this relationship.

 

What is tearing me up is that the reason that I would leave *wouldn't* be because of him - he has done absolutely *nothing wrong*. But I am realistic and I know that I won't be able to go on much longer - the mental stress has been and is unbelievable. I have already received an offer of assistance from my family, who still lives in the city that I am considering going back to. That is also another consideration - I have one family member left, who is getting older and is not in good health. I want to be back there so that I can assist her, if need be. Sometimes I wonder if he understands this at all - his whole family is here, and they're all in relatively good health. My family member is ailing and 1500 miles away from me. I've brought up this point and all that he can say is, "I know."

 

I am currently waiting on a callback from a place of employment that is preparing to do a "second interview", and I am simply waiting on the funds that I need to apply for my driver's license (believe it or not, things are so strained right now that I don't even have the 15 dollars to pay for *that* - I'm lucky I still have my Internet account and my electric turned on).

 

My question is this, I guess: should I even bother to wait for the place to call for the second interview? Should I get my driver's license before leaving? Should I even leave at all? I am absolutely, totally torn up about this. I am also concerned about how to pay his family back for everything that they've done - they've been *wonderful* to me and I don't just want to walk out and not do anything for them, they've more or less "taken care of things" for the last 3 years. I just feel like I'm having a bloody nervous breakdown. I've attempted to reach out for assistance in all kinds of ways, but the mentality of this town is, "have faith in God and it'll all work out". That's fine, I can deal with that, but it's a bit hard to have faith when you're starving to death and a hair's breath away from being evicted.

 

What would you do? I appreciate any and all advice at this point, because I'm almost beyond hope.

 

Thanks.

 

-cath.

Posted

Cath, I'll give you my two cents, even though I'm already living in a large northeastern city and am living from paycheck to paycheck and can't really afford it! No, I'm not making fun of your situation. I was born into a poor family, raised poor, and have lived more-or-less that way my whole life. If anyone can appreciate the dire straits you find yourself in, believe me, I can.

 

Which is why I will be the first to tell you: GET OUT. GET OUT NOW. There are places which, economically and metaphysically, are black holes to certain people. I'm a great believer in the "spiritual layout" of certain areas, and have lived in places where no matter what the hell I did, everything went down the toilet at the speed of light. This may be one of those places for you.

 

Maybe your guy hasn't done anything wrong, but he's not doing right by YOU. The longer you live in this hell because he refuses to leave, the more distorted and warped your feelings for him will become until you could quite possibly end up hating him. He has a safety net there: his family. Worse comes to worse, he can bunk with them. Do you want to do that? Or do you want to go home where you can make decent money and be able to sleep at night without worrying that when you wake up in the morning your electricity will be shut off?

 

It's somewhat commendable that he doesn't want to "give up." But if you went down on the Titanic and were clinging to a scrap piece of wood in the freezing water and lifeboats were floating by with helping hands reaching out to you...does taking that opportunity constitute giving up?! If the man can live somewhere else and make a decent living and give his woman some peace of mind, what's the big deal? He's not climbing Everest! He's hanging on in a place with little opportunity and less hope every day. So he gets another minimum-wage job, is that a victory worth all this hell?

 

And if you want to recompense his family for what they've done for you, how can you do it in your situation? If you go home and make some $$$$, you can send some to them, with a sincere thank you for everything. There's nothing wrong with that -- you're not being ungrateful. You're being sensible.

 

Go, girl. Your title says it all..."situation is unworkable". That you have to ASK whether you should leave an unworkable situation makes no sense to me. What's the old saying? Love goes out the window when there's no money coming in the door. Let your family send you some money to go home and hope that he understands.

 

I'm wishing you all the best!

  • Author
Posted
Which is why I will be the first to tell you: GET OUT. GET OUT NOW. There are places which, economically and metaphysically, are black holes to certain people. I'm a great believer in the "spiritual layout" of certain areas, and have lived in places where no matter what the hell I did, everything went down the toilet at the speed of light. This may be one of those places for you.

 

I'm really starting to believe just that. One of the biggest sources of frustration is the fact that no matter what either of us tried, the situation has never improved, except for maybe a brief period of time. I think that a lot of what's holding him back is the memory of those brief times where things were improving. "It was that way once, and it can be again," he says. Well, I know that it can, but if we aren't given the opportunities.....

 

Maybe your guy hasn't done anything wrong, but he's not doing right by YOU. The longer you live in this hell because he refuses to leave, the more distorted and warped your feelings for him will become until you could quite possibly end up hating him.

 

What is frightening me is that your observation above is already beginning to happen. I had been speaking with my family member on the telephone earlier in the week and I suddenly heard myself saying, "I'm not even sure that I love him anymore." When I realized what I had said, it shook me to a depth that I didn't believe possible. This realization is only making me understand that it may be time to "throw in the towel", so to speak.

 

Worse comes to worse, he can bunk with them. Do you want to do that?

 

His parents have already indicated that they will not be able to shoulder him (us) for much longer. And I cannot say that I blame them, at all. They have been some of the most wonderful people that I have ever met, and they have gone above and beyond the call of duty for the two of us. How I will ever be able to repay that, I don't know.

 

And if you want to recompense his family for what they've done for you, how can you do it in your situation? If you go home and make some $$$$, you can send some to them, with a sincere thank you for everything. There's nothing wrong with that -- you're not being ungrateful. You're being sensible.

 

When I am finally able to be self-supporting, that is exactly what I intend to do, even if it must be done over a long period of time. You are correct, of course: there is no way I can do anything while I'm here.

 

While I know that he would understand my reasoning behind wanting to leave, it's still breaking my heart, especially knowing that we had endured 12 years of separation previously. He was essentially my "first" serious adult relationship "way back when", and we had gone through quite a bit during those years that we were apart, always thinking of each other and wanting to resume where we'd left off. Our personal relationship has always been more than satisfying - but circumstances aren't allowing us to make a go of it. I suppose that's why the hesitation in leaving in the first place - if this situation had occurred with anyone else, I would have been gone 18 months ago.

 

At this point I'm feeling incredible anger toward the circumstances that have caused this to happen: but as he once told me, "Who can you blame? Where are you supposed to unleash your anger?" I've searched for an outlet and there isn't one. It is a blameless situation, and yet I feel incredible anger and resentment. I don't know what to think or what to do, or even how to handle the anger. I've bitten my lip and have kept quiet, but in turn that's a form of self punishment. Perhaps what I'm doing is punishing myself for allowing myself to get into this situation in the first place.

 

I know that I'll have to take steps to move on, but it is so difficult and I know he's going to be beyond hurt. But at this point I can't take anymore - I have reached the end of my tether, so to speak. I spoke with him about this a few weeks back, essentially warning him that things would come to this point if it didn't start getting better. And by all indications, it doesn't look like it's going to. I have been here for nearly 3 years: how much longer am I expected to wait?

 

At this point I have to deal with the breakup, and the inevitable fallout of feelings that's going to come from it. When I leave here, I will be leaving everything behind, and that's a source of resentment, too. (I cannot afford to move what little items I own for 1500 miles: it's more or less going to be what I can stuff into two suitcases.) I don't mind so much doing that: material possessions aren't everything - but I will leave here with an overwhelming sense of failure, as if I didn't try hard enough. I suspect that this feeling will remain with me for the rest of my life, and that's a pretty heavy cross to bear. And yet, I did try, didn't I? I tried for 3 years, and that's a hell of a gift to someone that you truly love, I think.

 

I have already begun to look for apartments and employment up there, which tells me that my mind is pretty much made up. At this point, I am now dealing with feelings of incredible guilt (because I feel as if I'm abandoning him), feelings of fear (because I know I'll have to tell him soon), feelings of anger (because it's gotten to this point at all). I don't mind telling you that I am scared right now - of leaving, of what the future's going to hold. But gah, it can only get better, can't it?

 

Sorry for the ramble. I'm obviously upset. =( But thanks for the post, it really made me think.

 

-cath.

Posted

Cath, of course you're scared! You'd be a bloody fool if you weren't.

 

I came here to the Boston area from the midwest -- Chicago burbs -- where I had been living with a man for about 2 years. Over the course of those 2 years, I went from being his fiance to being an unwelcome houseguest. Details aren't important. The gist is that the day he told me "it wasn't going to work" was the same day I received a statement on my American Express card revealing that he had charged $30,000 of computer equipment for his fledgling business!

 

He did it stupidly, not maliciously, but his business was struggling and there was no way he could pay off the 30 grand in 30 days, as the card requires. I spent the next 9 months living there, watching over his shoulder as he made payments, and working temp jobs because I was damned if I would leave and trust him to pay this off.

 

Finally, he kicked me out when his kids came to live with him. "Go to Boston, that's where you've always wanted to be anyway," he says. So I packed up a van that I rented on a credit card (!), loaded it up, trucked my stuff to an apartment, went back, dropped off the van, loaded up my 10 year old car and took myself and what I own 1000 miles away. To a place with no family, no job, no friends, and only an apartment that I didn't know how I was going to afford. When I hit the first rest area in MA, I was overcome with nausea and dizziness and spent a half hour in a bathroom stall with the most excruciating diarrhea I've ever experienced. I was absolutely petrified. I kept thinking, "My God, what am I going to do? I have no job, no savings, and credit card bills up the ying-yang. What have I done with my life!" I stayed there, trembling, crying, scared until finally something said, "Go put some cold water on your face and get in the car and go to your new home. Do it now."

 

So I did. And spent the next three months busting my ass doing temp jobs and going on job interviews and sleeping on a blow up mattress on the living room floor and having a turkey sandwich on Thanksgiving Day. That was almost 5 years ago. Hell, I'm just an office manager and I still live from paycheck to paycheck, but now I have a decent apartment, furniture, a new car and I can afford to go grocery shopping every week! :)

 

You're not giving up, Cath. You're just finding another way. I know that you don't want to leave this man...you love him, and you've already been separated once. But if this separation happens, it will be because he's choosing to remain where he is. If he can't/won't leave his situation, then it seems to me that he doesn't see the two of you as a team or partnership. He's focusing on his own triumph over adversity, not on your partnership. If you go, he can choose to come with you and be a true partner to you, or he can remain and continue on his own path, attempting to prove something to himself.

 

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You're not "abandoning" him. He's making his own choice, just as you're making yours. There's nothing keeping him there but his own will. You've make a valiant effort and you fought for 3 years. It's just not meant to be in that place. Maybe the universe has other plans for you, and is shaking you up to get you on your way.

 

He may be hurt by your leaving. But he should understand that you're not leaving HIM. You're leaving an untenable situation. He can do the same.

 

Hope all goes well for you. I think you're on your way!

 

KM

  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
Posted

Hi. Thanks for the reply, again. I'm sorry that it took so long to get back in here, but I've had to sit down and think, think, think, think.

 

I still have no news about the employment situation - I've called the place back and they've said that they're "in the process of narrowing down candidates" - which could mean anything at all, of course. I haven't been as vigilant in searching for work in the last week, because I really think the end has come.

 

I sat him down last night and spoke with him about how I was feeling, and what I wanted to do. Of course, he started to bring up all of the old arguments about how "we just need to try harder", etc. etc., ad nauseum. I looked him in the eye and said to him, "Would you have me give up my health now? Because it's the only thing I've got left, and I'm growing sicker by the day, because I'm not taking care of myself!"

 

I think that shook him up.

 

He then admitted that he was also having second thoughts about staying here. Each day is a constant "smackdown" of sorts, and in truth I cannot believe his incredible tenacity. If he would apply that tenacity toward making the move and getting another job there, the man would be employed within 2 days. :)

During the talk last night, I pointed to my two suitcases - then informed him that they were already packed. I think even his stubborn mind is starting to grasp the fact that I'm serious.

 

I had a talk with his mother yesterday morning, and told her that it was very likely that I would be going home, to which she said, "Maybe that would be best for you, because I know your life here just hasn't worked out." So at least they understand my position.

 

The only thing that is stopping me from going this second is the fact that I will be taking my driving test on Tuesday morning - I would at least like to leave here with a driver's license in my pocket so that if I ever move somewhere else with no public transport, I'll at least be able to get around. It would be easy to renew in the state that I'd be moving to. It is absolute hell to feel dependent on someone else for your basic needs, no matter how much you love them. I also invested some money (from when I was working) in a driving course, so I'd like to not throw that away, if I don't have to.

 

At this point I'm in limbo. It's hell. I still feel guilty for wanting to leave him, but I emphasized over and over again that the reason I'm leaving isn't because of him. He seems to understand that, but I know it's hurting him. I know. Sometimes I just feel as if I'm losing the only friend I've ever had. This hurts so feckin' bad. I feel as if I'm throwing away 15 years - nearly half of my life. I know it's the best thing I can do for myself now, and I know that he hasn't really been supportive of my feelings concerning this town - I'm more than aware of it. If he'd cheated on me or if he'd fallen out of love with me or something similar, it wouldn't hurt this bad. But we're still so together on so many levels - every level but the one that matters.

 

This is so going to scar me. I can see it coming, and I absolutely dread it. Knowing that my grief will eventually end helps, but it's going to be so, so long before I see the light....

 

"And miles to go before I sleep", I think the phrase is.

 

I will keep you posted. But I'm weighing the advice that I'm getting here, and I can tell you that the scales are definitely tipped in favor of my ending this situation.

 

-cath.

Posted

I'll chime in here by encouraging you to leave. Thankfully, I've never had to leave a person due to the barrenness of a geographic location...but I agree with anyone else who says certain places aren't harmonious for us...I had given Los Angeles two months, and things were just not jelling for me there. Right up to my arrival my life had been absolutely popping along -- and then, nothing. I couldn't get leads on decent work, I kept getting parking tickets and my car was almost towed illegally, and I found that a window had been newly painted open in the apartment I was renting (painted OPEN!! who paints windows open??) Your trials have been much tougher, obviously -- but the vibe I got in that short time was so bad that I shuddered to think what else could happen. I also was finding that I didn't relate to most of the population well at all...and I knew that this factor could make everything a lot more difficult for me.

 

After that two months I moved back to the San Francisco area (where I grew up) after living elsewhere for nine years, and life fell into place more readily there. It was reverse culture shock to be home again, but regardless I had the support of family and friends there. One of my friends was in a position to put me up very comfortably, and was gracious enough to do so.

 

On another tack, I have to wonder what other blind spots your s.o. has if he doesn't understand the liabilities/limitations of the place where his family lives...especially if life has been so hard for you both. In any case, good luck to you.

  • Author
Posted

A quick update:

 

I finally gathered my courage yesterday evening to sit him down and lay out the facts, as it were. I think that it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. After I finished speaking, he looked at me and just said in a soft voice, "I don't blame you." I was encouraged by this reaction - usually it ends up into an argument, but I think he knows the break is coming, too. *sigh*

 

As it stands, I have 4 possible job offers right now in the works. My family has said that they will be able to get the process of moving started by October 1st, so that's actually plenty of time. I have three weeks to "wait it out", so by then I should know whether or not any of these 4 places will hire me or not (they're all located here). It sounds awful, but in a way I hope they don't call - because in truth, I'm so worn out that I just don't want to take the chance again. I am emotionally and spiritually drained from this relationship, and I think that he knows it, too.

 

At the moment, I'm just numb - I know that the pain will come, and I know that I'm facing a lot of tears, a lot of anger, a lot of self-punishment - but right now I can't think of anything beyond October 1st. I feel a lot of guilt for *not* feeling bad right now - aren't I supposed to be in tears, breaking down? This is 3 years, more or less down the toilet, and knowing that I endured 12 long years of separation from him, thinking about him, wanting no one but him, almost half of my life? I'm supposed to be devastated, aren't I? =(

 

He did state that if I did leave, he might be right behind me, once he makes enough money to get his stuff up there. That was slightly encouraging, but I don't feel that I should hold out hope. In truth, I don't know whether I should make a total break, or hope that he'll follow me, or what. I really do love him, with every fibre of my soul, and I know he feels the same way. It just doesn't seem fair that circumstances are forcing us to be apart again.

 

On another tack, I have to wonder what other blind spots your s.o. has if he doesn't understand the liabilities/limitations of the place where his family lives...especially if life has been so hard for you both.

 

Gala, thank you for your response, by the way. The general consensus seems to be that I should leave, and as stated above, I've already decided. But I felt that I should address the above =)

 

I think that my S.O. understands very well what the limitations of this town are - he's often said that he can't stand it here any more than I can, which was always a big sticking point in our arguments about it. I've asked him time and again, "If you can't stand it here, why do you want to stay here????" A large part of the answers that I received back had to do with his family being here, he has some friends here, he doesn't want to move anymore, he's getting too old to make large changes, etc. etc. I know. They're all excuses, and I'm well aware of it. But I've pointed out to him that while I understand and accept those reasons, those reasons are not enough for me to stay.

 

He has family here; I do not.

He has friends here; I do not (except for two people).

He doesn't want to move anymore; well, neither do I, but I'm not staying in a town that offers me nothing but misery.

He's getting too old to make life changes; I'm 32 years old. I'm not exactly just beginning my life, either.

 

Every excuse that he's offered up, I've shot it down. He's even gone so far as to state, "How would I get my things back up there?" Well, hell, I'm walking out with virtually nothing - he can't do the same?

 

Boy, did I go off on a ramble, or what. =)

 

The more I think about the situation, the more I wonder, too, to be honest. His stubbornness has taken over to the point where it's more important for him to be "right" than it is for the two of us to live without hardship, and I can't live with that. I've decided that I really can't live with that.

 

I'll probably be back later when the inevitable emotional crash happens. But I really appreciate every single one of your posts, and I welcome more. I think over the next few weeks, I'm going to need some support... =(

 

-cath.

Posted

It's good to see that you've been communicating and taking steps. I have had a lot of opportunity to think about monetary sacrifice and its effects, and am learning more all the time about what might be going on for people when they choose to stay in that place. I left academia after training 7 years and hanging in there for a Ph.D. I had worked outside of the ivory tower, but when I was younger I didn't feel comfortable in the "real world." Turned out that academia was much more inhumane...and my field was so impacted that the mentality was "be happy with whatever you get." The professors in my department all had it pretty good, but (long story short) most of the graduate students weren't going to achieve their levels of security. The profs essentially turned a blind eye to the economic strain that characterized most of our futures...so, as you might imagine, this created a really bizarre environment. I finally couldn't stand the denial, and all I knew was that I had to get out. I spent about three years building a bridge out of my field, tho I didn't necessarily know where it was going -- or if I were leaving for sure. I did depart, ultimately, after completing a lucrative and prestigious fellowship. I was 34 when I walked away, and I know I felt like I should already know what I was doing. :)

 

That was about five years ago, and life has certainly brought some adversity in the meantime. But even in my worst moments I haven't been sorry that I made that choice. More recently, I was involved with someone whose many problems include an unchecked desire to make films. This is a very expensive artistic passion, and his marriage suffered a great deal during the last time he tried to do this (and failed, I think, due to self-sabotage). He and I had been seeing one another for a few months when he made clear his intention to try again. I walked away because I realized he would be unavailable for several months between the film, his kids, and a full-time job. However, the further behind me the relationship becomes, the more I see how incredibly irresponsible his economic choices are. It is one thing to limit one's own financial options; it's another to take someone else down with you. As I see it with my ex, he is damaging his kids' lives now, and very possibly his own financial future. And he's 41, so time is certainly passing. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for his wife the last time.

 

These stories are an indirect way of saying that I think there's a lot more going on at a subconscious level if someone wants or expects you to hang in there when bad financial choices are being made. This "for richer, for poorer" stuff -- I dunno about that. I think the only way to deal with the possibility of someone else's unintentional sabotage is to have your own financial standards and expectations...and insist on them.

 

Lastly, Cathalain -- lest this sound a little chilly -- I do feel for you and for the 12 years that this guy wasn't in your life. Only you can understand what he represents. I wish you luck.

  • 2 months later...
  • Author
Posted

There's a good reason for the absence, however. Just wanted to update those of you who were kind enough to post at the time. =)

 

In mid-September, not too long after I posted my last response, I finally landed employment at a very good facility here in town. (I never did move.) It was literally at "the eleventh hour" - the final deadline for me to move was the very next day. I am now employed, making decent wages, and am extremely happy with my professional life. :) My partner also managed to gain excellent employment only a week later. It's very, very strange how these things work out - in our worst times of adversity, somehow that "eleventh hour" has always saved us from the final breakup.

 

However, in a few respects, I'm still worried. Mainly about two things:

 

1. It won't last. In the past, when things always seemed to be getting better, something would always come along to ruin it, whether it was a notice of a layoff, sickness, whatever. We have both managed to find employment that is somewhat stable, however (he has completely changed his line of work to take his current job, which I'm grateful for - he was previously in construction, which is not only unstable in this area, but dangerous at his particular age, as well), so I wonder if I'm worrying over nothing. I know in my gut that I cannot take another period of time such as the last one. If it ever happens again, I'm going to crack. I know it. I know.

 

2. Our relationship is still suffering quite a bit. A lot of it is leftover resentment on my part (for what, I don't know, because the employment situation was not his fault and I know it). I still can't help but feel anger over his past stubbornness, and simply for going through what we did have to. I feel that it all could have been avoided if he had simply listened to me. But things are improving now - which makes me wonder if I'm being irrational in holding on to that anger. The feelings are not coming out in direct ways, but more indirectly. I don't want to risk losing him now, not after all that I've been through to keep him, but at the same time I just feel - dead inside. As if he has a lot of making up to do for what we've been through.

 

Irrational? Of course. But I've never been real good at expressing anger or even conflicting feelings. I'm one of those people that just tend to bottle it up inside, thinking, "Oh, hell, everyone's got problems, no one wants to hear this crap." But we all know what happens when pressure builds inside of a bottle - it explodes. And I don't want things to come to the point where I'd be flirting with other people or, even worse, taking it that step further. Not after all this!

 

At this point, I guess my question is this: how would you handle anger in a situation like this, especially if you're uncomfortable with expressing it?

 

Thanks in advance. Hope the upcoming holidays are good ones for you. =)

 

-cath.

Posted

Cathalain --

 

I'm glad to hear that your road has smoothed out...it all must have come as quite a surprise to you! I don't think it's at all unnatural for you to be in "flinch" mode still, wondering what else is going to happen. I've been there, and with much less cause than it sounds like you have!

 

A few thoughts and suggestions...first, optimism is important, but so is preparation...and perhaps it's one of life's greatest challenges to be able to balance them. I think that for your own peace of mind it's a good idea to set financial goals according to 1) what you'd like to achieve in future, and 2) what you'd need to have on hand if something else did happen. You may also want to sit your s.o. down and do this together...whether he's on board or not I think it's key for you to take care of your own peace of mind, but I think that you'd feel more secure about him and his ability to be stable if you did it together. It's interesting to see how people behave in adversity, but sometimes just as interesting to watch them when things are going well. Do they sabotage or limit themselves in any way? Do they deny that anything bad will ever happen to them again and set themselves up for the same falls (or worse)? Or do they take advantage of good fortune and create more opportunities for themselves?

 

Re. the anger you're still experiencing -- I have a hard time letting go of anger, too, and often my anger has scared me so much that I haven't dealt with it. I've gotten better, but it's tough. I think you need to give yourself time to get over what was obviously a great deal of difficulty. Not much time has passed, and again -- if the guy is acting like nothing ever happened I would be concerned. You refer to all you've done to "keep him." Well, he's got some keeping to do, too!!! If he has not shown you some gratitude, something is off!

 

Your trust was seriously undermined. That needs to be expressed, and he needs to EARN your trust back. Sometimes, when I have something to "get out" an idea that I'm having trouble with, I'll write out a little "cheat sheet" with maybe three or four lines on it...and practice. Also -- think about what you'd like him to do or say that he hasn't done. What do you need that you haven't gotten?

 

I wish you much luck...and peaceful holidays.

 

Gala

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