After nearly four years, we're finished.

[crimsoncurrent]

Basically, this is my situation: For nearly four years, after many complications and several times getting back together, I'm certain we're finished for good. Our relationship was tumultuous, with me being unfaithful once, taking another girl on a date, and this time, her finding explicit conversations on my instant messenger. Currently, I'm in the process of recovery for sexual addiction, attending meetings on a weekly basis. However, what makes my situation ironic and confusing is she's heavily involved in the sex industry, working at an adult novelty store and having experience as both an erotic-talk operator and cam model. Originally, considering her work background, I figured she would be more sympathetic, understanding the psychological dynamics of my thinking, and willing to work things out again. However, after examining how much pain she endured through our relationship, it'll be difficult for anyone to remain completely objective. So, after she found my conversations, we limited our contact, with us meeting once for her to give back some items of mine from her house, and during New Years day, while in a state of intoxication, I text messaged her, accusing her of profiting off guys with my addiction and being a hypocrite. Many other hurtful words were said by me that night. After a week, I wrote a lengthy email to her, apologizing and retracting my comments from that night. Additionally, I asked for her address, wanting to repay a debt I owned by mailing her a check. After four days, she responded to my e-mail. In her response, she stated that she's moving on and does not want to communicate, but wished me well with my recovery. Although it was difficult to read her words, I responded with positivity, wishing her a great year, and letting her know when to expect the check to arrive. I hoped for (but did not expect) a response, especially considering the amount of money that was sent, but unfortunately, no response was ever sent. Her lack of response is what hurt the most, solidifying that she truly doesn't want anything to do with me. It's been nearly two weeks since that time, with me finally internalizing that fact that no communication will be made between us. I miss her so much, thinking about her daily, waking up in the middle of the night, thinking my circumstance is not really happening, only to be realize the truth of the situation again. If anyone has ever experienced a traumatic lost, this breakup feels very similar to that experience. Right now, I've deactivated my facebook account, not wanting to know what she's doing in her personal life, and staying occupied with school, work, and exercise. I hope I might get some helpful insight from others that are going through (or have gone through) similar experiences.

Edited January 28, 2013 by crimsoncurrent
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