JaneNY Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 (edited) Hi, I have never asked an opinion on a website, so hopefully some people out there have an objective view on my problem. I am 29, and he is 42. He has never been married or lived with anyone. We have been dating for 2 years. At first he was pursuing me very hard, and two months later we started dating. He has a great job and is financially very stable. Very! He has his own company and works hard to build it even further and bigger. He is very obsessed being number 1. He would bring me to the best restaurants out there, and nice vacation trips. He acted like a gentleman, serious, intelligent, and loyal. He was into getting to know me better. However, right there I think I made a mistake of not telling him that I was working for my ex-boyfriend's company (i felt ashamed and thought he would think it was not normal and would be jealous). When I finally told him, we went crazy, but we did reconcile with an idea that I would have to leave the job! So it has been more than a year after that incident, and we still have fights over the fact that he started claiming he would never get married, and never would live with me. And ever time I would bring up the issue of at least trying to live together, he would say: "you have no right to ask me for anything, i have been a victim of your lie, and had i known you were working for your ex, i would have never got close to you, and now i love you, and you still put pressure on me of getting married"... He is ok to still date me without any obligations towards me, but he is not ok to marry me because of my work situation. He knows that i have a great job which makes me independent and i also go to school and planning to leave the company once i graduate. He knows it is not easy for a woman to be financially stable while being without any support from anyone. But I do not want my whole relationship and future be dependent on the time when I find a new job! My boyfriend is very emotional, he would actually call me different names over our fights, and sometimes i do behave pretty passive because he has such a strong personality which gets him everything he wants! And recently he started saying that marriage is a great contract for a woman only (if it works, it is fine, if it does not work, she gets half of his money), and why does a man need to get married when he can get many great things without a ring...And many other things would hint that he is not ready for it: he works a lot, works out passionately almost every day, takes courses at school. Basically he does everything in order to be fully occupied with his personality improvement only! And when I finally (few days ago) told him that I did want a family and a husband, otherwise I did not see myself in the relationship anymore, he said that he would "for sure move on this time of too much suffering he has endured with me". I gave him time to think to give me an answer, and all he did was to call me a liar that i broke a promise not to bring up this topic with him, since marriage should come "naturally", when people are fully ready for it. And he does not see our situation appropriate for it. Btw, we have an amazing time (intimately) and we always laugh, except for the moments when he is not overly jealous and offended by my "coldness". Once again, he is very emotional due to his hot blood running in his veins. So my question is: should I still stick around and change just for this relationship to work? I became clean with him, I do not know what else I can do. Ps: his apt is almost empty, and he has one extra room completely empty... We do not cook at home, he likes to dine out. And I do not take care of his household, since he has a maid. And he speaks to his mother almost every day who told him not to marry me while I still work for my ex. All my friends and family just tell me I am blind and I do not see a pure fact that he finds excuses for not getting married. However every time we would break up he would come to me saying he cannot be without me, and he loves me so much, and able to continue with an agreement that I do not bring up a "marriage issue". Please help. Edited January 28, 2013 by JaneNY
CptSaveAho Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 He doesnt want to marry you Its been 2 years... dump him and move on... He's not going to change
geegirl Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 He knows what he wants and has been upfront with you. You have to decide what you want. Either you accept the relationship as is or you leave and seek someone who has the same values and goals as you do. And don't stay in the relationship hoping he will change. 1
Samilia Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 It seems that the "ex working situation" is just a scapegoat. Even though it'd bother me too. The guy has been clear, he's not going to marry you. He's stuffing the turkey with all kind of reasons: money, your lie, not ready, etc.. but in the end it's the same, not happening. I would accept that you'll never marry him, or I'd move on. You're independent, young, a good job, you'll have no trouble finding someone else.
Author JaneNY Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 This is the technique he uses. He does not want to let me go, and over time he would make me the guilty one, who has to show him the love and care by being with him no matter what the conditions are. The has no idea I have needs too. He always talks about his suffering when I bring up a topic as if pointing out that I do not get what I want because of my lie. Period.
geegirl Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 (edited) This is the technique he uses. He does not want to let me go, and over time he would make me the guilty one, who has to show him the love and care by being with him no matter what the conditions are. The has no idea I have needs too. He always talks about his suffering when I bring up a topic as if pointing out that I do not get what I want because of my lie. Period. You would want to marry someone that is already treating you this way and you want to commit yourself to him for life? The red flag is flying for a reason. Take heed. Edited January 28, 2013 by geegirl
Eddie Edirol Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 This is the technique he uses. He does not want to let me go, and over time he would make me the guilty one, who has to show him the love and care by being with him no matter what the conditions are. The has no idea I have needs too. He always talks about his suffering when I bring up a topic as if pointing out that I do not get what I want because of my lie. Period. Its only a technique when you let it work. If you left him by now, it wouldnt be a technique. I know you want to make it work with a well off guy that looks good and what not, but I wouldnt marry you either. Especially when you work at that job, it looks like youre still holding a torch for your ex. If youre that talented you could get a different job to improve your perception to your bf. On the other hand, it really does look like he doesnt want to get married, simply because theres nothing in it for him, only for you.
Author JaneNY Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 He says I should not expect any marriage for now, because of my work situation. He says he cannot handle an idea living with me and me going to work to see my ex every day. However, he does want a loving partner whose love and care he can feel in practice. He wants me to show him my love by all the means! And that I should not even ask him about marriage. Since "these things do not get discussed and only get done". He makes me so confused and makes me doubt my own beliefs of how the things should be
TrueAwareness Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 (edited) It's very unfair to judge people from not wanting to get married. Maybe you should think about the fact that some people believe that marriage is more a burden than it is a good thing. I know people that are together for decades and not married. They live together, they even own property together, but they just dont believe in the legal or religious aspects of marriage. I think many people foolishly let go of those that love them the most, just because they want to be married. because in their heads this means that everything will be ok forever. Which is ridiculous to begin with. I cant believe that in the year 2013 people still advice others to dump their partners if they dont want to marry them. It really makes no sense if the person shows you that they care about you and they are faithful. Edited January 28, 2013 by TrueAwareness
CptSaveAho Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 You are naive... women at or after 25 want to get married... Any women with common sense pulls the plug after 2 years and moves on if the ball isnt rolling 2 ideals dont match, the relationship wont work... people like you try to fit a round peg in square hole. Accept/Move on... love doesnt fix everything
Author JaneNY Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 I understand that marriage does not guarantee to make people happier, however even living together with him is out of the question. And i did say that to him that i find nothing wrong with coming home and spending time with my boyfriend, versus always rushing to see him for dinners and stay overs. I have a busy life as well: work, school. I have to plan all these things beforehand every time i see him, what I wear, what stuff I bring with me. And the fact that the apt is empty just states how home distraught he is. I feel like I am nice attribute to him when he has free time. It is heartbreaking to feel this way, even though the time spent with him is great.
TrueAwareness Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 You are naive... women at or after 25 want to get married... Any women with common sense pulls the plug after 2 years and moves on if the ball isnt rolling 2 ideals dont match, the relationship wont work... people like you try to fit a round peg in square hole. Accept/Move on... love doesnt fix everything MANY and i mean MANY women that are successful and independent have chosen not to get married until they are in the mid 30's and early 40's. It's not 1980 anymore. People are starting to realize that indeed love doesnt solve anything. But if you worry about your financial situation and see it as a factor to get married, you are definitely doing it for the wrong reasons.
TrueAwareness Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I do agree for sure that when 2 ideals dont match, relationships just dont work. I wont argue with that.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 You are naive... women at or after 25 want to get married... Any women with common sense pulls the plug after 2 years and moves on if the ball isnt rolling 2 ideals dont match, the relationship wont work... people like you try to fit a round peg in square hole. Accept/Move on... love doesnt fix everything This isn't accurate at all, at least not with as broad of a brush you are painting. I know of at least four marriages off the top of my head that involved women over the age of 25 that waited way more than two years to get hitched.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I do agree for sure that when 2 ideals dont match, relationships just dont work. I wont argue with that. Exactly. The question for the OP is does she want more, a) to get married or b) to get married to her current boyfriend? When the answer is a, that's when she leaves.
CptSaveAho Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 (edited) This isn't accurate at all, at least not with as broad of a brush you are painting. I know of at least four marriages off the top of my head that involved women over the age of 25 that waited way more than two years to get hitched. they rolled the dice(didnt roll snake eyes... got lucky)... the point is, there are threads all over this forum where women get hosed past their prime... late 20's because they waited 4-5 + years on a loser that eventually dumped them... I know A LOT of women like this.... the OPs boyfriend is a loser Look at the title of this thread (2 year... self talk... she knows the deal)... Edited January 28, 2013 by CptSaveAho 1
Author JaneNY Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 I do not worry about the financial factor. In fact he does not even support me, and that has not been a problem. However i do believe that a 2 year old period is enough time to realize where we want to be either way. I do believe if he really loves me, he would make it possible to be with me. I am not asking for the world to end. I am just asking to live together and be on the way to be married. We are great together all the time. Well, anyway, it is good to finalize it. We might have different cultural views. His mother was 40 when she had him, so he sees it as normal. It is just different to me. I do not want to wait 10 years to have babies, as all know the chances of becoming pregnant decrease.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 they rolled the dice(didnt roll snake eyes... got lucky)... the point is, there are threads all over this forum where women get hosed past their prime... late 20's because they waited 4-5 + years on a loser that eventually dumped them... I know A LOT of women like this.... the OPs boyfriend is a loser Look at the title of this thread (2 year... self talk... she knows the deal)... I guess I know a lot of lucky people then. Or you could just admit that you made a lazy stereotype instead of trying to talk around it. But whatever.
Sari Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Blaming you for stuff to avoid commitment, unfurnished apartment, eats out, never lived with anyone and he's in his 40s... Try reading 'men who can't love', I think you may find the answer staring out at you. This man is clearly a commitmentphobe. I'm wary of labelling people i've never met in this way as anyone is capable of displaying certain traits, but this guy is ticking every box. Run for the hills, he does not have your best interests at heart and will never make you happy the way you deserve. I know this sounds harsh but I wish someone had said this to me years ago! 1
veggirl Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 In 2 yrs you haven't been able to find other work? Do you make a lot of money at your exes work or something that you wouldn't be able to elsewhere? Apart from that, it doesn't sound like you and your bf really TALK about this, more just argue about it. At 40 if he hasn't been married or even lived with a woman, are you sure he isn't just a commitment phobe who is using your work situation as an excuse? 1
KatZee Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 all he did was to call me a liar that i broke a promise not to bring up this topic with him, since marriage should come "naturally", when people are fully ready for it. And he does not see our situation appropriate for it. This is actually laughable. This couldn't be a more blatant display of anti-marriage. Marriage isn't something that "just happens naturally." It's actually something two people in a serious, and committed relationship discuss before it actually happens. Why on earth would someone go out and buy a ring that costs thousands of dollars unless he was sure that his girlfriend would say yes? It's because engagement is something couples discuss. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to want to talk about it at all. He may be great in a relationship but it's very clear he's all about himself, and his life, and his career, and his advancement. He's not really considering you as part of the equation at all. You're not his life, you're just someone who's in it. And to call you a "liar" because you agreed not to discuss marriage? It's not right that he twist the tables on you to make you feel bad about it. You shouldn't have to feel bad or scared to discuss a future. He's 42 at this point. Never been engaged. Never married. I honestly doubt he ever will be. If you're really serious about wanting a husband and kids, waiting for this guy is only going to be a waste of your time. 2
Author JaneNY Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 Some other nuances: he would always bring my stuff back to me when we have an argument. And even in the summer of last year after a great dinner with my mother who came to visit me and asked him what his intentions were towards me, he just became angry, left us and canceled a car to drive my mom to the airport the next day unless we came to him to apologize. And the other day, when I urgently had to stop by my office on my birthday day, he became irritated and canceled my surprise birthday dinner which we were supposed to have after the airport (we went on a vacation just before that). Thank you for pointing out some facts about commitment phobia. I do regret I have not seen those signs before or decided to ignore them.
pteromom Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I understand that marriage does not guarantee to make people happier, however even living together with him is out of the question. So what are you gaining from this relationship? Not only is it not progressing, but he has taken even DISCUSSING its progression off the table, and blames you for that. You need to move on, girlfriend. He is a manipulator. You can do better than this. 1
pteromom Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Some other nuances: he would always bring my stuff back to me when we have an argument. And even in the summer of last year after a great dinner with my mother who came to visit me and asked him what his intentions were towards me, he just became angry, left us and canceled a car to drive my mom to the airport the next day unless we came to him to apologize. And the other day, when I urgently had to stop by my office on my birthday day, he became irritated and canceled my surprise birthday dinner which we were supposed to have after the airport (we went on a vacation just before that). Thank you for pointing out some facts about commitment phobia. I do regret I have not seen those signs before or decided to ignore them. !!!!! OH MY GOSH. He is horrible. No amount of happy intimacy is worth this. So it sounds to me like as long as you are going along with what he wants (sex, joking around, going out, etc.), he's happy and fun. But the moment you do not fall in line with his expectations, he turns into a major jerk. You don't want to marry into this. If you think it is bad now, wait until you share finances, housework, children, etc. He will always want things his way, and you'll live your life with a tied tongue and regrets. Move on! Move on! Move on!! 2
geegirl Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Some other nuances: he would always bring my stuff back to me when we have an argument. And even in the summer of last year after a great dinner with my mother who came to visit me and asked him what his intentions were towards me, he just became angry, left us and canceled a car to drive my mom to the airport the next day unless we came to him to apologize. And the other day, when I urgently had to stop by my office on my birthday day, he became irritated and canceled my surprise birthday dinner which we were supposed to have after the airport (we went on a vacation just before that). Thank you for pointing out some facts about commitment phobia. I do regret I have not seen those signs before or decided to ignore them. Good grief! Yikes! What about this man is attractive to you? He sounds mean and cruel.
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