Play Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 My girlfriend has not cheated on me, it's not the issue. I don't trust people very easily, and find it difficult to when they lie to me (not unfair). - A few months after dating, she meets up with an ex boyfriend in a club with friends, she dances with him, I see a photo on facebook - I asked who he was, she said just an old friend, I later find out it's an ex who has come back from another country for a bit. I was pissed, and for that and other reasons, nearly broke up with her - she promised she would tell me before she met up with an ex next time - Next year, she goes to a dinner party and I see a photo of another ex there. I ask afterwards who came to the dinner, she didn't mention him, I asked if he came and she lied and said she didn't. She then admitted she lied when I told her about the photo, she said she didn't know in advance, he just turned up at 11:30 for a few minutes and then he left. I didn't believe this at all. - Next year, her friend mentioned her ex was going to a party my gf was going to, I asked my gf why she didn't tell me he was going - she said he wasn't, I said I knew that wasn't true - she said oh well he might come, but probably won't. I have no idea. Sure enough he came and she said they only exchanged a few words. Then soon after it's her birthday he texts her saying happy birthday with kisses (she was next to me when she received it). Fair enough, but they dated 3 years ago and don't communicate so it leads me to think she's lying and it was much more than a few words. She also said afterward that her friend said he was coming weeks before, it was awkward. Do you see I can't trust what she's saying even if it's true anymore? Do you think this is the boy crying wolf? Would you trust her and how would you react?
Divasu Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Would you trust her and how would you react? I'd have a very hard time based on what you've written. What do you know about her past, before she met you?
Author Play Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 I'd have a very hard time based on what you've written. What do you know about her past, before she met you? Always a great question, I do know but would require an essay to give you an accurate representation and everything really relevant is above. To put the other side of the argument across - if she were posting instead of me, she would say probably that she didn't want to upset me by telling me and/or she was going to see friends she didn't see often, he would just happen to be there. And she would imply that I am insecure/possessive.
KraftDinner Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Do you guys spend a lot of time apart? Sounds like she goes out without you a lot...? That's a recipe for untrustworthy situations right there.
Author Play Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 Do you guys spend a lot of time apart? Sounds like she goes out without you a lot...? That's a recipe for untrustworthy situations right there. Honestly, I assure everyone she has not cheated on me. I know it sounds suspicious, believe me I am not a fool. She goes out without me - work parties, goes to see her girlfriends - nothing out of the ordinary, she doesn't go clubbing with single mates etc.
charlietheginger Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I trust her . I need to have some new sheet put on my bed go ahead send her over A few hours. Will be talking and just have dinner.... Wink wink : )
Divasu Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Always a great question, I do know but would require an essay to give you an accurate representation and everything really relevant is above. To put the other side of the argument across - if she were posting instead of me, she would say probably that she didn't want to upset me by telling me and/or she was going to see friends she didn't see often, he would just happen to be there. And she would imply that I am insecure/possessive. Okay, so if you know for sure she is not cheating on you, but has a history of lying because she doesn't want to upset you then what's the problem? It obviously bothers you, so, what are you going to do about it?
candie13 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 you seem to be a bit controlling, how long have the two of you been dating? It would help if you would also mention both your age are all those exes different guys or is it always just one guy, one ex - the one she danced with, who appeared at dinner and sent her texts? Personally, I think that if a guy is an ex, it's for a reason. However, she lied. Not once, but several times, and always about the same thing. It could be that you are very sensitive about this subject, and she wanted to protect you, but that is NO way a mature person in a nice relationship should act. Lying is not to be tolerated under any form or measure, otherwise it poisons everything. Do you think that the way you reacted might have driven her to lie? if you firmly believe that she did not cheat, what is it that you fear most?
Author Play Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 Okay, so if you know for sure she is not cheating on you, but has a history of lying because she doesn't want to upset you then what's the problem? It obviously bothers you, so, what are you going to do about it? The problem is that it bothers me. It bothers me for a variety of reasons, but it seems like I don't need to explain them as people answering seem to agree with me. What am I going to do about it? Good question. Suggestions please!! Last time I said I found it very deceptive and lying about situations like this destroys my trust, I said you've had history with other guys, that's fine, but it looks very dodgy to me if you meet up with them especially if you don't tell me about it, if you do it again, I don't want to be in this relationship. Some would call me possessive and insecure. I disagree.
CptSaveAho Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 She lied to you how many times? Come on people... common sense If you have to post this on an internet dating forum #1 you already dont trust her #2 she probably cheated on you Get rid of her... why do people date liars and losers and rationalize it so they think they are special and different and their significant other would never cheat on them. Your relationship is over
Divasu Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Always a great question, I do know but would require an essay to give you an accurate representation and everything really relevant is above. The problem is that it bothers me. It bothers me for a variety of reasons, but it seems like I don't need to explain them as people answering seem to agree with me. You've dodged the last two questions I've asked so I guess in that case, you've got it all figure out. Suggestions please!! Leave.
Author Play Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 you seem to be a bit controlling, how long have the two of you been dating? It would help if you would also mention both your age are all those exes different guys or is it always just one guy, one ex - the one she danced with, who appeared at dinner and sent her texts? Personally, I think that if a guy is an ex, it's for a reason. However, she lied. Not once, but several times, and always about the same thing. It could be that you are very sensitive about this subject, and she wanted to protect you, but that is NO way a mature person in a nice relationship should act. Lying is not to be tolerated under any form or measure, otherwise it poisons everything. Do you think that the way you reacted might have driven her to lie? if you firmly believe that she did not cheat, what is it that you fear most? Hmm...possibly..but I don't believe you drive someone to lie, it's completely their choice.
candie13 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 sorry, guys, you don't just dismiss someone out of your life like that, as if they were a pair of old socks! While rationally, this might seem the right decision, it's not how it works in real life... Play, how serious are you about this girl, do you love her?
Author Play Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 She lied to you how many times? Come on people... common sense If you have to post this on an internet dating forum #1 you already dont trust her #2 she probably cheated on you Get rid of her... why do people date liars and losers and rationalize it so they think they are special and different and their significant other would never cheat on them. Your relationship is over I don't trust her, for sure. But by that I mean I trust that she loves me etc etc but I mean, do I trust that if her ex is in town, she won't meet up with him with friends and not tell me? Of course I don't. In all fairness, so many people say meeting up with an ex is fine. So many people have them as friends. They might say they'd dump me if they were my girlfriend for having a problem with her meeting up with exs just as friends. Of course, I disagree, especially with the lying. She didn't cheat on me. Not because I think she loves me too much. I think anyone could cheat. Just logistics and timing makes it impossible.
Author Play Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 You've dodged the last two questions I've asked so I guess in that case, you've got it all figure out. Leave. Sorry didn't mean to dodge questions... I find it quite difficult to articulate why I have a problem with all of it. The lying is self explanatory. Why do I care if she meets up with ex boyfriends? Well I certainly do if she doesn't tell me because it gives the impression she might be cheating or at least monkeybranching. I don't think it's appropriate generally. I've been with her for over two years. I don't rule it out as a eventual solution. But it's not the one I'm looking for.
Author Play Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 sorry, guys, you don't just dismiss someone out of your life like that, as if they were a pair of old socks! While rationally, this might seem the right decision, it's not how it works in real life... Play, how serious are you about this girl, do you love her? As above, pretty serious. I agree with what you say. It is rational, but relationships are usually about emotion.
candie13 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 You need to make your scenario "if... then". Have a serious talk with her and tell her that it is disrespectful to lie to you, since you manage to find out about that anyway. If she does it again without telling you, then... you will do the same? or will start going out without her? Will start to flirt with other girls? will leave on vacation without her? will leave her? Up to you to decide what type of BS you're willing to take or not. And transform it into actionable steps.
Divasu Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I've been with her for over two years. I don't rule it out as a eventual solution. But it's not the one I'm looking for. The constant lies are going to cause the relationship to erode until there is nothing but a shell remaining. You can bet on it.
Author Play Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 (edited) The constant lies are going to cause the relationship to erode until there is nothing but a shell remaining. You can bet on it. Why would you have a problem with what she's done? Exactly why. Is it just the lies? I mean you're a girl, right. Am I being controlling because I don't deep down want her meeting up with an ex? You might be right. I should add that the timescale of all of this is over two years, I'm concerned about the latest unnecessary drama. I forgave and forgot about the other two. Edited January 28, 2013 by Play
Divasu Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Why would you have a problem with what she's done? Exactly why. I mean you're a girl, right. Am I being controlling because I don't deep down want her meeting up with an ex? You might be right. I should add that the timescale of all of this is over two years, I'm concerned about the latest unnecessary drama. I forgave and forgot about the other two. Gee, I hope I am a girl. I'd have a problem with it, because I'd feel like he was hiding it from me, and it would make me feel very unsettled. If he ran into an ex somewhere, that is obviously not his fault and maybe it's not worth mentioning to me. But, you're painting a very different picture here: A few months after dating, she meets up with an ex boyfriend in a club with friends, she dances with him, I see a photo on facebook. I asked who he was, she said just an old friend. Next year, she goes to a dinner party and I see a photo of another ex there. I ask afterwards who came to the dinner, she didn't mention him, I asked if he came and she lied and said she didn't. Are you being controlling? Possibly... Are you forbidding her from hanging out with anyone? Are you accusing her of cheating? There are reasons she is not being forthcoming with you. Ask her what those reasons are. Decide what you believe is respectful behavior within a relationship and what's not. If you can't reach a mutual agreement with one another, if you cannot trust one another, you don't have much of a leg to stand on.
Author Play Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 You need to make your scenario "if... then". Have a serious talk with her and tell her that it is disrespectful to lie to you, since you manage to find out about that anyway. If she does it again without telling you, then... you will do the same? or will start going out without her? Will start to flirt with other girls? will leave on vacation without her? will leave her? Up to you to decide what type of BS you're willing to take or not. And transform it into actionable steps. Thanks, will take this on board. I guess I said last year if she does this again, then she's gone. But it's been a year till she did it again, my trust went back up to full - if it had been 3 months, she really would be gone. I guess I feel like dumping her completely on the basis of meeting up with old friends she doesn't see anymore and an ex who happens to be in that circle of friends, is possessive, insecure and unreasonable of me. It bothers me she lied about all of it. That destroyed my trust. Even though I know nothing happened. In my opinion, when you're over someone, you're over them, you don't want to see them anymore. So I do feel like catching up with an ex is a bit like monkeybranching. I guess there's nothing I can really do. I can talk to her again about it and put how seriously I feel about it. She's actually just about to go on a long vacation which makes it all a bit worse.
Author Play Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 Gee, I hope I am a girl. I'd have a problem with it, because I'd feel like he was hiding it from me, and it would make me feel very unsettled. If he ran into an ex somewhere, that is obviously not his fault and maybe it's not worth mentioning to me. But, you're painting a very different picture here: Are you being controlling? Possibly... Are you forbidding her from hanging out with anyone? Are you accusing her of cheating? There are reasons she is not being forthcoming with you. Ask her what those reasons are. Decide what you believe is respectful behavior within a relationship and what's not. If you can't reach a mutual agreement with one another, if you cannot trust one another, you don't have much of a leg to stand on. I completely agree. Oh believe me we've had this conversation. I said meet up with an ex if you want, I don't mind, just tell me about it before/after (unless he happens to be at a party, then just after). Of course I would mind - but it stopped me looking controlling and if she ever wanted to meet up with exs, at least I would be appropriately suspicious.
Astra5 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 In my opinion... and this is coming from a place that everything you said is like a step back in time.... like reliving an ugly and painful nightmare.... sometimes ppl cant help who may or may not be in their lives or who may pop up randomly... there is no RULE out there that ppl cannot stay friends with ex-bf's... and from MY experience it seems like your a lil controlling about who she is around... When I was in the situation I would lie as well and make excuses... because I didnt want to get turned on by my insecure and controlling bf.... But if that is not the situation then I apologize... So all that is left then is to say TRUST is essential in a healthy relationship and if you cant trust her then wahts the point??
Imported Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 She keeps her ex around. Let me predict the future. It is going to involve alcohol. She will say something like, " I didn't mean to, I really love you and am so sorry. I just had too much to drink and messed up because I wasn't thinking right. Its not really my fault. Please forgive me, it won't happen again." She lied to your face. You explain how you realize she is lying. She does it again. How do you even still trust anything she says?
Author Play Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 She keeps her ex around. Let me predict the future. It is going to involve alcohol. She will say something like, " I didn't mean to, I really love you and am so sorry. I just had too much to drink and messed up because I wasn't thinking right. Its not really my fault. Please forgive me, it won't happen again." She lied to your face. You explain how you realize she is lying. She does it again. How do you even still trust anything she says? Yup, exactly my opinion. Bit like monkeybranching. You're dead wrong about one thing though. She would never tell the truth about cheating - as you say, she lies. Which is why I have this hawk eye over anything inappropriate like meeting an ex. The only way I'd ever find out if she cheated if I have a hunch. That isn't peculiar to her, I wouldn't trust anyone who cheated to come clean. To be sure, she hasn't though. But I think anyone can cheat. How do I trust her? I don't right now.
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