My racy photos are in a present my conservative boyfriend got. ow do I handle this?

[animalover]

To Thewholigan: Yes, I probably thought he was going to think less of me and I wanted to go long term (maybe get married) and maybe I figured he wouldn't like my past (which now I know he doesn't like and he dosesn't even know all of it)

 

I am so surprised to see how many posts are in this section about dishonest people trying to force innocent guys into relationships... sorry but why do you think you have the right to lead a guy into a relationship with you with lies?

[ThaWholigan]

To Thewholigan: Yes, I probably thought he was going to think less of me and I wanted to go long term (maybe get married) and maybe I figured he wouldn't like my past (which now I know he doesn't like and he dosesn't even know all of it)

It's probably not that he "doesn't like" your past, but doesn't like the fact that you did those things with your "loser ex" and not with him - or at the very least wanted to explore much of those things with you first before anybody else.

 

This is something that guys are very sensitive about unfortunately - it's not a sensitivity I share but I understand it because I was in a slightly similar situation that I outlined in a previous post an hour ago.

 

I would still be honest about things - at least you will know where you stand. I sometimes wonder why some women go out with these kind of guys and do such things then find a completely opposite guy and no longer do those things. Of course it will probably not end well - this guy will indeed feel like a chump.....even if it's not worth being insecure about, it will be hard for most guys to get over. It will feel like he is sexually inferior.

 

Nonetheless, I'm not judging you - I understand exactly why you did what you did. Is there any other reason why you didn't want to do any of the wild stuff with him?

[Drseussgrrl]

Shouldn't have misrepresented herself - but at the same time this is exactly why I don't discuss my past and I don't want to hear about my partner's past either.

 

It serves NO PURPOSE other than to make the other jealous. NONE.

 

If you're sexually active chances are it ain't your first rodeo and I don't need to know who else you were bucking up on, or how.

[Taramere]

He said that one of his guy pals at work took him aside this morning and they had a talk. That guy told him that when they saw my photos in the book, they all figured that I had told him about my modeling in the past. Since that guy now knows that I kept it from my boyfriend he apologized to him for all the bs they stirred up.

 

His buddy figured I'd taken naughty pics with my boyfriend, when I hadn't. My boyfriend confirmed this yesterday to the group (he now regrets being honest with them). Anyway his pal basically told him that I was probably putting on an act to get the "Mrs" degree. He figures that I was trying to portray a "wifey" attitude while I probably had a wild past.

 

So the friend apologised for meddling and stirring, then meddled and stirred some more.

 

So my boyfriend stewed on all this. He told me that while he can accept that I've done nudes for my ex and probably have a past he wouldn't be happy with, there is "no way in hell" he can accept that I wouldn't let HIM snap "a few stupid pics" of me. He feels like, as he put it, a lesser man who has been played. And he's just not willing to be the lesser guy. And that led to him asking how many shoots did I do and how dirty did they get? I got flustered and really didn't say much. The truth is that I did a bunch of shoots with my ex and well, some were kinda raunchy (but thank God those were NOT in the book).

 

He also wanted to talk "alot more" about my past and what kind of stuff I've done.

 

I think if you're going to continue in the relationship it's best to tell him exactly what else might be out there, photographically. The trouble with the situation you're describing is that his friends are so heavily immersed in this, and my bet would be that everything you tell your boyfriend will now be relayed back to them.

 

I'm going to see him again in a few hours after work so I want to say and do the right things. How do I make him get over all this and do I tell him about all the other shoots with my ex? What about "other stuff" he asked about?

 

You're not on trial here, remember. Much as it might be starting to feel like it.

 

I would say that before going into depth with him about your past, you might want to raise the subject of his colleagues and their involvement in this. Get some sort of agreement from him that the two of you will work to get some privacy back into your relationship - and that this starts with him relaying whatever details you share with him back to the guys at work.

 

I wouldn't trust that lot one inch. They knew exactly what they were doing when they gave hm that book and the apology you described one of them having given sounds like nothing more than a way in to carry out a bit more relationship sabotage. They're probably jealous as hell that he's got a girlfriend fit enough to feature in a book of glamour models.

[Lonely Ronin]

I am so surprised to see how many posts are in this section about dishonest people trying to force innocent guys into relationships... sorry but why do you think you have the right to lead a guy into a relationship with you with lies?

 

so i take it your another fragile ego guy?

 

Sinse when is it standard practice to discuss every sexual thing you have ever done with a new partner. And since when has it become a requirement to do everything you have ever done in the past with a current or future love interest.

[TheFinalWord]

You all were so good with all your advice that I want to give you an update on my embarrassing situation and ask for (more) advice.

 

My boyfriend acted all nonchalant this morning but we agreed to get together for a coffee and talk. We did and I just got back and he went back to the office.

 

He did most of the talking. Here's the gist of our conversation. He apologized for calling me names yesterday. He said he "was out of line" and that he was very angry. He said that everyone's past is just that and that while he would REALLY have preferred that I had not posed nude, he can't change that. I was getting encouraged when he added all the rest though.

 

He said that one of his guy pals at work took him aside this morning and they had a talk. That guy told him that when they saw my photos in the book, they all figured that I had told him about my modeling in the past. Since that guy now knows that I kept it from my boyfriend he apologized to him for all the bs they stirred up.

 

His buddy figured I'd taken naughty pics with my boyfriend, when I hadn't. My boyfriend confirmed this yesterday to the group (he now regrets being honest with them). Anyway his pal basically told him that I was probably putting on an act to get the "Mrs" degree. He figures that I was trying to portray a "wifey" attitude while I probably had a wild past.

 

So my boyfriend stewed on all this. He told me that while he can accept that I've done nudes for my ex and probably have a past he wouldn't be happy with, there is "no way in hell" he can accept that I wouldn't let HIM snap "a few stupid pics" of me. He feels like, as he put it, a lesser man who has been played. And he's just not willing to be the lesser guy. And that led to him asking how many shoots did I do and how dirty did they get? I got flustered and really didn't say much. The truth is that I did a bunch of shoots with my ex and well, some were kinda raunchy (but thank God those were NOT in the book).

 

He also wanted to talk "alot more" about my past and what kind of stuff I've done.

 

I'm going to see him again in a few hours after work so I want to say and do the right things. How do I make him get over all this and do I tell him about all the other shoots with my ex? What about "other stuff" he asked about?

 

He's letting his childish friends dictate his actions. The pics thing is really stupid. So what if you changed your mind about something you used to do. People are allowed to change their minds. If she does not want to do those kinds of pics anymore, that is perfectly acceptable and good for her. Who here has not changed something about themself for the better? Would you like someone that tells you to "revert back or you don't really love me"? That's ridiculous.

 

I agree, she put on a front and she needs to be honest from here on out. If the love is genuine, they will get over this. If not, than lesson learned (albeit a hard one).

 

I also think we are seeing differences in mental maturity here. Some guys in their 20s can't wrap their mind around the fact that you change as you get older. Would you like us to judge you the rest of your life based on what you do in your teens and 20s? Please, put your name and picture with a list of all ONS, drugs, theft, etc that you have done here for us to be judge, jury, (and like this guy's "friends) executioner. That way we can be good "friends" and send it to you future mate as a lulz birthday gift.

 

What you think is so great in your 20s, doesn't always have the same appeal as you get into your 30s. For example, in my 20s all I wanted to do was party and be a rock star. It has no appeal anymore. It's called becoming mature. Sexuality can mature too. Not everything people find great, sexually, stays with them their entire lives. Women mature, men mature.

[Crusoe]

The dud is being supper insecure

 

Would he have got together with her if he knew she was the kind of person who would agree to nude photo's of herself being published? If not, then he's not being insecure. He's going to feel disappointed and possibly deceived.

 

Say, for example, I was getting together with a woman and she knew I had no tolerance for infidelity. She knew, or suspected, that a history containing infidelity would be a deal breaker for me and she didn't tell me that she had cheated in a previous relationship, I would be mighty p*ssed off if I found out 18 months later. My thoughts would be "why couldn't you have had the decency to tell me 18 months ago, you know I would never have taken the relationship any further, so why allow me to invest my life in you when you know, or suspect, that you are not what I want ?"

 

If the OP knew or suspected this was something that might have stopped her fella from getting together with her, then it was deceitful not to tell him at an early stage and he has every right to be p*ssed off now.

 

A lot of people are making this fella out to be a bad guy, or in the wrong, or insecure, or a lesser person. He is, in the OP's words an "incredibly conservative" man. The OP must have suspected that knowledge of nude photo's in public circulation is not something that would have given him a warm fuzzy glow inside. Even if she didn't, this is hardly something he is going to be over the moon about, and that's something the OP should consider and respect. Telling her that her fella is the problem won't help anything. He is what he is, she knew that, he hasn't changed, what's changed is her image in his eyes, she is not what he thought she was. If she wants to work things out then she's going to have to allow for that. If she puts this onto him as his problem, it will add insult to injury.

[mustangguy29]

Please see my last post on this thread for what to tell him.

 

Additionally...

 

I think you have to tell him you did other photo shoots, because if they show up in another book 2 years from now he will leave you.

 

As far as your sexual past, I think that is yours, and you don't have to tell him anything you don't want to.

What you did before you met him, is in the past and while I hate advocating lying, if you did lie to him about what you have done, you have to stick to that story, because if you change it now, he will just have more and more questions and trust you less and less.

[animalover]

Shouldn't have misrepresented herself - but at the same time this is exactly why I don't discuss my past and I don't want to hear about my partner's past either.

 

It serves NO PURPOSE other than to make the other jealous. NONE.

 

If you're sexually active chances are it ain't your first rodeo and I don't need to know who else you were bucking up on, or how.

 

I respect you way of seeing things, but please keep in mind that it is indeed your own way to see them. For some people (I am one of them) how a person has behaved in the past is also important. A woman can always decide not to share that information with me, it is her decision and I would take my decisions as a repercussion of hers. But lying to someone to trick him into a relationship is very low!

[aed]

so i take it your another fragile ego guy?

 

Sinse when is it standard practice to discuss every sexual thing you have ever done with a new partner. And since when has it become a requirement to do everything you have ever done in the past with a current or future love interest.

 

It doesn't!

 

but that is not the case here! The case is she lied and let him think she is type A, but in reality she is type B. She didn't do those things because she wanted him to think she was type A. He was looking for type A. The more she tells the more this is becoming clear.

[Drseussgrrl]

Jesus people. It's just SEX.

 

She didn't rob a bank or drown a puppy. She had a little fun with an ex. Unfortch for her his friends are douchebags and couldn't wait to rub it in his face when it came to light.

 

That is much worse than having a little "fun" with an ex she was in a committed relationship with.

[Lonely Ronin]

Would he have got together with her if he knew she was the kind of person who would agree to nude photo's of herself being published? If not, then he's not being insecure. He's going to feel disappointed and possibly deceived.

 

That's not what he is upset about though. if you read her posts, you will see he is upset because she didn't do it with him. This is about his insecurities and ego.

 

 

 

A lot of people are making this fella out to be a bad guy, or in the wrong, or insecure, or a lesser person. He is, in the OP's words an "incredibly conservative" man.

His own actions are showing him to not be conservative, just insecure and butt hurt.

[TaraMaiden]

Originally Posted by luvhim

And that led to him asking how many shoots did I do and how dirty did they get? I got flustered and really didn't say much. The truth is that I did a bunch of shoots with my ex and well, some were kinda raunchy (but thank God those were NOT in the book).

 

He also wanted to talk "alot more" about my past and what kind of stuff I've done.

 

I'm going to see him again in a few hours after work so I want to say and do the right things. How do I make him get over all this and do I tell him about all the other shoots with my ex? What about "other stuff" he asked about?

 

You're gonna have to be honest with him about everything and explain exactly why everything is as it is now. It's a sorry situation and I'm sorry it's happening.

 

I hate to say it - but I completely disagree with ThaWholigan here.

 

in brief, and maybe in different words, this is what I would say.

 

"Look - these photos are the issue here.

In my opinion, no matter what the circumstances I think at best, your buddies took a tactless risk, and at worst, they acted like jerks.

I have standards now which are different to those I have had previously.

Letting my ex take these pictures was thoughtless, foolhardy and very unintelligent, I get that now.

Look how they have come back to haunt me, and look at the damage they're doing.

This is the reason I really don't want to do nude pictures for anyone, any more. It could be you, it could be another guy, it could be anyone else who asks me., I think it's a bad idea because it leaves me vulnerable, and quite literally, exposed to abuse and misunderstanding.

 

My past is my past. It's histopry.

Forgive me for being blunt, but this has happened. get over it.

It's a hurdle in our relationship, but if you can't get past it, that's your problem, not mine.

I do not intend to expose every single last detail, of every momnent of my past to you - or to anyone else for that matter. it's gone, and none of your business. It's irrelevant, and doesn't affect the way I feel about YOU at all.

I'm convinced you're "The One."

I love you, and hate that this has hurt you.

But if this is too much for you to take, and you want to end it, then that's yet another signal that posing for photos - for anyone - is a mistake, and a mistake I have to live with for good.

If you want to end it, go ahead. But in the big scheme of things, it's trivial. It's not like I'm sleeping with your brother or your friend, or something like that.

I don't intend to be put under the microscope and be given the 3rd degree. This is it, I've said my piece. I think we need to just draw a line under it and move on.

But if you can't do that, then It's a loss you're going to have to live with. I think it would be hasty. But then, I've done hasty things in my life and regretted them, haven't I?"

[Lonely Ronin]

It doesn't!

 

but that is not the case here! The case is she lied and let him think she is type A, but in reality she is type B. She didn't do those things because she wanted him to think she was type A. He was looking for type A. The more she tells the more this is becoming clear.

 

did you read her posts, he doesn't even care that she did it, all he cares about is that she didn't do it with him. My point still stands, at this point the issue is all about his insecurities and ego.

[animalover]

Please see my last post on this thread for what to tell him.

 

Additionally...

 

I think you have to tell him you did other photo shoots, because if they show up in another book 2 years from now he will leave you.

 

As far as your sexual past, I think that is yours, and you don't have to tell him anything you don't want to.

What you did before you met him, is in the past and while I hate advocating lying, if you did lie to him about what you have done, you have to stick to that story, because if you change it now, he will just have more and more questions and trust you less and less.

 

OP, please don't listen to people who advise you to be dishonest with the person you have a relationship with. A healthy relationship is founded in honesty and trust, if you can't keep those simple values you will never fulfill the basics for any serious relationships and you will make this guy very unhappy!

 

I don't know why people just don't look for other with similar values like them to date, if you keep lying he will be just dating a lie, a misrepresented reality of yourself. He can accept you lied once but what would happen if he find out you lied again? Think good abut it because he already doesn't trust you and he may be looking forward to get more information you would not like him to find!

[SJC2008]

To Veggirl again: Well, my guy is conservative so I've "presented myself" as conservative as well when it comes to sex and stuff. And I kinda fibbed on that one. So now he'll see that I wasn't AND it'll be worse cause I didn't let him snap a couple on his cell phone.

 

It really breaks trust when you mis-represent yourself. Why would you want to be with someone who you can't be the real you with anyway?

 

The last woman I dated misrepresented herself to me IMO. She had gotten out of het first and oly R, a 7 year one and said she had only been with him (I didn't ask, she offered) and said she was insecure about that because she's inexp'd. I didn't care, she wasn't sexually inexp'd in my view but mabye she thought she was since she was only with one person. Well on our 5th date we wound up having sex! A few minutes before she metioned she was on BC, and when we had sex she seemed like she knew what she was doing. She was really into it, called out harder! Anyway, I kelt having a harx time getting in (we weren't in a place that made sex easy) and she said spit on it... Ok so what am I getting at? She was really into the sex and of course I liked it. But wait a minute now! If she's only been with her ex and has been broken up for 6 months why is she on BC?? Why did she bang like a porn star if she's so inexp'd? None of these things would of crossed my mind if she didn't try to paint herself in an "innocent" light, that's the whole point.

[Lonely Ronin]

OP, please don't listen to people who advise you to be dishonest with the person you have a relationship with. A healthy relationship is founded in honesty and trust, if you can't keep those simple values you will never fulfill the basics for any serious relationships and you will make this guy very unhappy!

 

who has told her to be dishonest? stop quilt tripping her!

[tbf]

Shouldn't have misrepresented herself - but at the same time this is exactly why I don't discuss my past and I don't want to hear about my partner's past either.

 

It serves NO PURPOSE other than to make the other jealous. NONE.

 

If you're sexually active chances are it ain't your first rodeo and I don't need to know who else you were bucking up on, or how.

Which is fine, as long as it's understood and the base line for both your understandings. But what you're saying is a different scenario than what's happened with the OP. She doesn't deserve a by for her actions of misrepresentation. It's time to start being honest so he can make up his mind whether or not to continue the relationship.

[animalover]

Jesus people. It's just SEX.

 

She didn't rob a bank or drown a puppy. She had a little fun with an ex. Unfortch for her his friends are douchebags and couldn't wait to rub it in his face when it came to light.

 

That is much worse than having a little "fun" with an ex she was in a committed relationship with.

 

Nope, because she wasn't willing to do the same for him... this is utterly insulting when you realize the person you have chosen above anyone else to be your partner enjoyed doing things with other people that would not want to do with you!

[ThaWholigan]

I hate to say it - but I completely disagree with ThaWholigan here.

 

in brief, and maybe in different words, this is what I would say.

 

"Look - these photos are the issue here.

In my opinion, no matter what the circumstances I think at best, your buddies took a tactless risk, and at worst, they acted like jerks.

I have standards now which are different to those I have had previously.

Letting my ex take these pictures was thoughtless, foolhardy and very unintelligent, I get that now.

Look how they have come back to haunt me, and look at the damage they're doing.

This is the reason I really don't want to do nude pictures for anyone, any more. It could be you, it could be another guy, it could be anyone else who asks me., I think it's a bad idea because it leaves me vulnerable, and quite literally, exposed to abuse and misunderstanding.

 

My past is my past. It's histopry.

Forgive me for being blunt, but this has happened. get over it.

It's a hurdle in our relationship, but if you can't get past it, that's your problem, not mine.

I do not intend to expose every single last detail, of every momnent of my past to you - or to anyone else for that matter. it's gone, and none of your business. It's irrelevant, and doesn't affect the way I feel about YOU at all.

I'm convinced you're "The One."

I love you, and hate that this has hurt you.

But if this is too much for you to take, and you want to end it, then that's yet another signal that posing for photos - for anyone - is a mistake, and a mistake I have to live with for good.

If you want to end it, go ahead. But in the big scheme of things, it's trivial. It's not like I'm sleeping with your brother or your friend, or something like that.

I don't intend to be put under the microscope and be given the 3rd degree. This is it, I've said my piece. I think we need to just draw a line under it and move on.

But if you can't do that, then It's a loss you're going to have to live with. I think it would be hasty. But then, I've done hasty things in my life and regretted them, haven't I?"

That would probably be better. I have no relationship EXP so I don't know - I just think that more lies would be worse.

 

In the grand scheme of things though, I think this is a reason for some guys to add more of a dimension to themselves so that this doesn't happen and they don't end up being the insecure guy who feels like a chump because his SO isn't naughty with him. And likewise, women should not misrepresent who they are (or were) when in a relationship with a "conservative" guy - and occasionally, do something "wild" with your new man at least .

[animalover]

who has told her to be dishonest? stop quilt tripping her!

 

Please see quote below ... please read all the posts before making stupid remarks!

P while I hate advocating lying, if you did lie to him about what you have done, you have to stick to that story, because if you change it now, he will just have more and more questions and trust you less and less.

[Drseussgrrl]

Nope, because she wasn't willing to do the same for him... this is utterly insulting when you realize the person you have chosen above anyone else to be your partner enjoyed doing things with other people that would not want to do with you!

 

Haha - ok. Luckily for me I don't sit around and dissect what my partner did with XYZ. We do what we enjoy TOGETHER without concern for what happened with people who do NOT MATTER anymore.

[Lonely Ronin]

It really breaks trust when you mis-represent yourself. Why would you want to be with someone who you can't be the real you with anyway?

 

The last woman I dated misrepresented herself to me IMO. She had gotten out of het first and oly R, a 7 year one and said she had only been with him (I didn't ask, she offered) and said she was insecure about that because she's inexp'd. I didn't care, she wasn't sexually inexp'd in my view but mabye she thought she was since she was only with one person. Well on our 5th date we wound up having sex! A few minutes before she metioned she was on BC, and when we had sex she seemed like she knew what she was doing. She was really into it, called out harder! Anyway, I kelt having a harx time getting in (we weren't in a place that made sex easy) and she said spit on it... Ok so what am I getting at? She was really into the sex and of course I liked it. But wait a minute now! If she's only been with her ex and has been broken up for 6 months why is she on BC?? Why did she bang like a porn star if she's so inexp'd? None of these things would of crossed my mind if she didn't try to paint herself in an "innocent" light, that's the whole point.

 

so because she only had sex with one guy, she isn't supposed to be good at or enjoy sex? If she had been with a guy for seven year, I would find it odd if she wasn't decent at sex. Secondly doctors prescribe birth control for several reasons. One of my ex's was on it because it helped her balance her hormones "once a month".

[aed]

I hate to say it - but I completely disagree with ThaWholigan here.

 

in brief, and maybe in different words, this is what I would say.

 

"Look - these photos are the issue here.

In my opinion, no matter what the circumstances I think at best, your buddies took a tactless risk, and at worst, they acted like jerks.

I have standards now which are different to those I have had previously.

Letting my ex take these pictures was thoughtless, foolhardy and very unintelligent, I get that now.

Look how they have come back to haunt me, and look at the damage they're doing.

This is the reason I really don't want to do nude pictures for anyone, any more. It could be you, it could be another guy, it could be anyone else who asks me., I think it's a bad idea because it leaves me vulnerable, and quite literally, exposed to abuse and misunderstanding.

 

My past is my past. It's histopry.

Forgive me for being blunt, but this has happened. get over it.

It's a hurdle in our relationship, but if you can't get past it, that's your problem, not mine.

I do not intend to expose every single last detail, of every momnent of my past to you - or to anyone else for that matter. it's gone, and none of your business. It's irrelevant, and doesn't affect the way I feel about YOU at all.

I'm convinced you're "The One."

I love you, and hate that this has hurt you.

But if this is too much for you to take, and you want to end it, then that's yet another signal that posing for photos - for anyone - is a mistake, and a mistake I have to live with for good.

If you want to end it, go ahead. But in the big scheme of things, it's trivial. It's not like I'm sleeping with your brother or your friend, or something like that.

I don't intend to be put under the microscope and be given the 3rd degree. This is it, I've said my piece. I think we need to just draw a line under it and move on.

But if you can't do that, then It's a loss you're going to have to live with. I think it would be hasty. But then, I've done hasty things in my life and regretted them, haven't I?"

 

I never read Op regretted taking those pictures or didn't enjoy the things she did. Only that she didn;t do them with him because she wanted him to think she is wife material!

 

The guy knows this, he is not stupid.

 

I love veggirl her post:

 

Tough situation now.

I understand both sides of this.

 

It's like you find out your bf took his ex on 3 vacas a year but he won't even take you to Olive Garden or something.

 

It's about investment in to the other person, and being together for x years doesn't say anything. And this guy will thinks she is not for the full 100% with him.

[Million.to.1]

Can i just ask... Why the hell did you sign a release form? - if you didn't want these pics published for all to see, then why did you do that?

 

I don't understand why you wont pose for you boyfriend now.

If he wants to take photos of you, why not let him?.. you've done it before.

Just get him to sign something saying if the photos end up anywhere for public

viewing, he has to pay you 1 million dollars.