AngelicAlien333 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 (edited) I am going to make this as simple as possible. About 4 years ago, i had gotten Dumped out of a relationship with my fiance. We had a great relationship and we were in love and everything SEEMED like it was going great. The girl i was with had a very rough childhood which i did as well. I won't get into details about it but her parents would abuse her mentally and physically. They kicked her out of the house in her last year of high school, and she came to live with me. After high school, i became a chef and about a year later i was able to get an apartment and we moved in together. That was when i was 18. I did everything for this girl, i would buy her clothes, take her out, listen and talk about what she was feeling about how hurt she was with the relationship she had with her family. For 2 years our relationship was going great, she would hold me when we would sleep at night, always was anxious for me to come home, always made me feel like i was the greatest thing in the world. Which of course is a great feeling. (By the way i am one of those men who gives more than receives when it comes to women. I have it in my head in order to be happy with a woman you should try to make her happy and then she will try to make you happy etc...) I am going to admit, we did have a lot of fun. Would would go out drink, smoke weed, go to clubs, did ecstasy. We basically shared everything with each other from every laugh to every tear. Then when i was around 21, things started heading for the rocks. When i would come home, she would start accusing me of being interested in women that were betting looking then her. Saying that i didn't want to be with her anymore, that i was interested. However, it was not true. I was so attracted to her that every time i was around her i wanted to be ONE. So i didn't let the bull**** bother me until i started noticing the small subtleties, like her not holding me when we slept at night. She would reject me more and more when i would try to engage any intimacy, very aggressive by starting arguments with me, getting violent. I dealt with it because i had so much on my plate at the time, Rent, work (mind you working as a chef is a 12 hour a day commitment.) Then like 6 months of being on the rocks, she had gotten pregnant, SHE TOLD ME SHE WANTED TO KEEP THE BABY, 3 months into her pregnancy, while i was at work, she goes and gets an abortion at one of these clinics in Manhattan. I thought she was just sick, but it was the after effects of the procedure. I had found out about the abortion when i got the bill in the mail. That's when i told her we had to have a serious talk about the relationship and we did. We had reconciled some of the negative tension and turned it into something positive. She was starting to be her old self again. 2 months later i come home from work and she is not there. I get a phone call the next day, from her, that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. SHE IS BREAKING UP WITH ME> She came by picked up her stuff, and walked out of my life. 1 ****ING MONTH LATER SHE IS WITH SOME OTHER GUY I DIDN'T HAVE A MOTHER IN MY LIFE, THIS HAPPENED 4 YEARS AGO, I AM IN SO MUCH ****ING PAIN FROM ALL THIS ****, I DON'T HAVE ANYONE BUT MY FATHER AND HIS G/F I LOST MY JOB, MY APARTMENT, I'M SO MENTALLY ****ED UP NOW I CANNOT WORK AND ALL DAY I SIT IN MY "FATHERS APARTMENT" AND CRY NEVER KNOWING IF THERE IS ANY POINT TO THIS LIFE, I AM ON MEDICATION BUT ALL THAT **** DOES IS KNOCK ME OUT AND WHEN I GET UP I JUST TAKE MORE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP. I am comfortable with myself, however i haven't been with a women in 3 years that all my mind does is race in a never ending loop, AM I GOOD ENOUGH? HOW COME I CANNOT MEET A WOMAN? WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH ME? AM I GOOD ENOUGH TO EVEN BE WITH A WOMAN? THE FACT THAT MY MOTHER LEFT ME AND NEVER LOVED ME, WILL A WOMAN EVER LOVE ME? IF MY OWN MOTHER DOESN'T LOVE ME, WHO WILL? I AM NOT LYING, ALL DAY THIS IS WHAT I GO THROUGH, when i am not sleeping. i really don't want someone to reply to this saying, YOU NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR OR A PSYCHIATRIST OR SOME ****, because i have been for the past 3 years and that **** does not ****ing work. Please help me i really don't know what to do. I feel deep down inside that i am going to be alone forever. HOW CAN YOU HAVE SO MUCH WITH SOMEONE AND THEY THROW IT AWAY LIKE A ****IN EMPTY SODA CAN, 5 ****IN YEARS AND SHE FINDS SOMEONE AFTER ONE ****ING MONTH. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT ANYTHING PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME. AND THE BIGGEST QUESTION OF ALL IS, if i thought i had something that was so great, and turned out to be so bad. Then what is the point of me being alive?????:(:(:(:(:( I am in a lot of pain, thank you for reading. Edited January 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed private email address
TaraMaiden Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 You are so going to hate me for this, but: "It's part of the cure to wish to be cured." Everything that happened, is not the problem now. The fact you are unable to let go, and realise that there is no remedy - is the problem. Carl Jung once said: "The Past is over. Forgiveness means giving up all Hope of a better Past". The past is there. In your mind. But you're living each day as if it was still real, still manifest and still questionable. Until you face the glaring hard Truth - that this will never change, no matter how you question it - then you will always remain stuck here, in this state. The option to drop it - to accept the circumstances as they are, and to resign yourself to the reality of the Present - is within your grasp. You simply have to make a promise to yourself to treat yourself with kindness, instead of repeatedly inflicting pain upon yourself, and perpetuating the imaginary situation you once knew - but is no more. You're living in your imagination. Your mind is what keeps this torture alive. Only you have direct access to your own mind, and no matter how many people proffer help, assistance, guidance, support and counsel, the bottom line - THE BOTTOM LINE - is that you have to do the work yourself. The freedom you seek, is for you to access. You hold the key. And the door isn't even locked. But you believe it is. 1
Author AngelicAlien333 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 I understand, and thank you so much for the reply, however you really didn't tell what am i suppose to do about. The break up was so abrupt that i never had any closure. The only thing i am thinking about doing is hooking up with one of my friends and try to get into a metal band. Something i can do to take the pain and release it. When i was in school i was on the Hockey, football, wrestling, lacrosse, and track teams. It is a little harder for me to use all that mental torture and put it to good use. I work out A LOT and you can only do so many push ups and sit ups and the pain is still there. When i played those sports the pleasure of inflicting the pain by winning was a beautiful thing. I am kinda lonely so if you ever want to keep in touch online feel free to email me sometime. Thank you for the reply though.
TaraMaiden Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I understand, and thank you so much for the reply, however you really didn't tell what am i suppose to do about. Actually, yes I did. I'll show you it again: The fact you are unable to let go, and realise that there is no remedy - is the problem. "The Past is over. Forgiveness means giving up all Hope of a better Past". Until you face the glaring hard Truth - that this will never change, no matter how you question it - then you will always remain stuck here, in this state. The option to drop it - to accept the circumstances as they are, and to resign yourself to the reality of the Present - is within your grasp. You simply have to make a promise to yourself to treat yourself with kindness, instead of repeatedly inflicting pain upon yourself, You're living in your imagination. Your mind is what keeps this torture alive. Only you have direct access to your own mind, and no matter how many people proffer help, assistance, guidance, support and counsel, the bottom line - THE BOTTOM LINE - is that you have to do the work yourself. It's all pertinent, but the bold bits clarify what you must do. Stop beating yourself up, and let it go.
Recommended Posts