Author Ajvd1 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 One other gem of an idea he had which I forgot to mention that adds to his slimebagness was for me to move to his town and live in a house he owned so our kids could go to school together and be friends and he could sneak away to do "landlord business" as a cover for our A. Then he planned on hiring me to work cor him so we would be able to spend all day together and go on trips together. He planned on duping her for ever and wanted me to lie right along with him. If you feel the need to do all that to keep me in your life theb why the ef didnt he just get a divorce!?!? Those things made me realize what I have at home isnt that bad and my H has done a complete 180 since his Dday. He is a wonderful father and I am his one and only. I am so angry with my xMM for pulling the wool over my eyes and taking my vulnerability from my H's A to reel me in. He played me and used me. I am not 100% blaming him cause I am a big girl and I know right from wrong but he talked a huge game and I fed into it because I am an honest person and when I say stuff mean it. I expect the same from others. Maybe thats stupid....I think I have decided to be more guarded and less trusting now. He has made me bitter.
BetrayedH Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I guess I just feel he was not loyal to me and was very dishonest to me about things when I was akways honest about my feelings and my real life. When we first started our A I was under the impression he was single. Then found out he had a gf...strangely he stopped talking to me for a week and I was distraught. I did a lil internet hunting and found their wedding registry. He stopped talking to me because it was the week of his wedding. We slept together just 5 days before he said I do. I called him told him to lose my number. He says she got pregnant and he felf he had to marry her . Had 2 months NC. He text me out of the blue on my bday. We start talking again he tells me he didn't get married. Called it off. Then I get hooked again. Go on fb one day see the wedding album. Obviously married. Call him on that. He claims he cant live without me and lied for fear of losing me. Then randomly one night says my W is pregnant I just found out today. Um...wtf you said thats why you got married. He completely forgot he told me that and she was not pregnant when they married. Judging by the math and her announcing her due date on fb she got pregnant with in the same week we started the A again. I just think he is a slimebag...she deserves to know but not sure I will be the one to tell her. I havent decided that yet. Lied about being single Lied about her being pregnant Lied about getting married Betraying his wife six ways from Sunday Anybody that thinks the MM deserves loyalty and the BS deserves to be kept in the dark has got a screw loose. OP, if you're not going to tell the BS, who do you think is going to do it? Is there an honesty fairy I don't know about? 2
Decorative Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 One other gem of an idea he had which I forgot to mention that adds to his slimebagness was for me to move to his town and live in a house he owned so our kids could go to school together and be friends and he could sneak away to do "landlord business" as a cover for our A. Then he planned on hiring me to work cor him so we would be able to spend all day together and go on trips together. He planned on duping her for ever and wanted me to lie right along with him. If you feel the need to do all that to keep me in your life theb why the ef didnt he just get a divorce!?!? Those things made me realize what I have at home isnt that bad and my H has done a complete 180 since his Dday. He is a wonderful father and I am his one and only. I am so angry with my xMM for pulling the wool over my eyes and taking my vulnerability from my H's A to reel me in. He played me and used me. I am not 100% blaming him cause I am a big girl and I know right from wrong but he talked a huge game and I fed into it because I am an honest person and when I say stuff mean it. I expect the same from others. Maybe thats stupid....I think I have decided to be more guarded and less trusting now. He has made me bitter. Um, you are not a victim in this scenario. You didn't accidentally have an affair. You made a series of decisions. He didn't pull the wool over your eyes. And there are lots and lots of women who have been cheated on- some of us in horrific ways- that didn't have a revenge affair. Your spouse's affair is not a reason for your choices. Own them. You wanted to do this. Your relationship doesn't have a chance of recovery if you and your spouse adopt the " MM is the big bad wolf and I am powerless" way of thinking. You need to own your choices. Which is a good thing. Because the only person you can control your behavior is you, which means in the future you can choose to make better decisions. And that's an awesome thing. You can be mighty and powerful and return to being the kind of person you want to be. Your MM was never going to leave his wife or do any of the things he promised you. Think of it as something like Fight Club. The first rule of an affair like this is that you'll never be able to trust what you're told, only the actions you actually witness. 1
Author Ajvd1 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 Um, you are not a victim in this scenario. You didn't accidentally have an affair. You made a series of decisions. He didn't pull the wool over your eyes. And there are lots and lots of women who have been cheated on- some of us in horrific ways- that didn't have a revenge affair. Your spouse's affair is not a reason for your choices. Own them. You wanted to do this. Your relationship doesn't have a chance of recovery if you and your spouse adopt the " MM is the big bad wolf and I am powerless" way of thinking. You need to own your choices. Which is a good thing. Because the only person you can control your behavior is you, which means in the future you can choose to make better decisions. And that's an awesome thing. You can be mighty and powerful and return to being the kind of person you want to be. Your MM was never going to leave his wife or do any of the things he promised you. Think of it as something like Fight Club. The first rule of an affair like this is that you'll never be able to trust what you're told, only the actions you actually witness. I never claimed to be a victim. I said he isn't 100% responsible and that I knew the ramifications of my actions . Point I was trying to convey is I dont hold any loyalty to him because he lied to me. I was always honest from the beginning about my life and relationship. He lured me in under false pretenses. Yes my afair was semi fueled by revenge for my H's own affair. I knew what I was standing to lose and who I was standing to hurt on my end and so did he. He lied to me and I had no idea and innocent person could be affected not to mention an unborn child. Thats the part that makes me angry.
ComingInHot Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Ajvd; Hi there and I feel for your situation you find yourself. Being a betrayed spouse, I am thankful to this day that I was informed about the A. It doesn't even matter to me anymore the why for being told* Yes it hurt. Yes it was damaging. Thing is, our marriage was already damaged but I didn't know why. That was worse. The excuses why and how you entered the A are your own to deal with yourself and w/your marriage should you wish to reconcile. Sometimes it really does take hitting bottom to find your footing again. It sounds like you're there. Should you decide to live a genuine, honest and healthy life, seems the best way to start is by being honest, with everyone. Hopefully in being honest, you will be able to let go of the pain yourself and move forward the way you say you want. Doing the "right" or at least Honest thing, is Not always easy, but it is usually the Best thing when all is said and done* 2
BetrayedH Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I never claimed to be a victim. I said he isn't 100% responsible and that I knew the ramifications of my actions . Point I was trying to convey is I dont hold any loyalty to him because he lied to me. I was always honest from the beginning about my life and relationship. He lured me in under false pretenses. Yes my afair was semi fueled by revenge for my H's own affair. I knew what I was standing to lose and who I was standing to hurt on my end and so did he. He lied to me and I had no idea and innocent person could be affected not to mention an unborn child. Thats the part that makes me angry. What does any of this have to do with the topic of your thread? If you don't come clean for the sake of the BS, who will?
Decorative Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I never claimed to be a victim. I said he isn't 100% responsible and that I knew the ramifications of my actions . Point I was trying to convey is I dont hold any loyalty to him because he lied to me. I was always honest from the beginning about my life and relationship. He lured me in under false pretenses. Yes my afair was semi fueled by revenge for my H's own affair. I knew what I was standing to lose and who I was standing to hurt on my end and so did he. He lied to me and I had no idea and innocent person could be affected not to mention an unborn child. Thats the part that makes me angry. How is being in an affair honest ? That's the flaw in your logic. You chose to engage in a deceptive relationship, and now you're crying foul. I am glad you don't see yourself as a victim. His wife is the only victim in this scaenario. 1
Author Ajvd1 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 Make sure you don't repeat these words to his wife if you tell her. If you do try to paint yourself as a victim (and you are not in any way, shape or form), your "coming clean" may just backfire. To be clear I do not feel I am a victim. I feel angry for being lied to amd had I not been lied to I may have made a different choice about letting my guard down with him. I also would nwver portray to her that I am not a fault or blameless because he lied. I feel she is the biggest victim in this situation. Thus my guilt and wanting to tell her what happened. She is one of the bigger reasons I ended this whole thing. She is the victim not me.
Author Ajvd1 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 How is being in an affair honest ? That's the flaw in your logic. You chose to engage in a deceptive relationship, and now you're crying foul. I am glad you don't see yourself as a victim. His wife is the only victim in this Thanks for twisting my words. I never said being in an affair was honest. I just stated I did not lie to him about what he was getting into with me. I was not making excuses for the affair. A bc opuple people questioned why I did not feel loyalty to him in previous posts I was just trying to explain my reasoning for why I dont. Not trying to justify the affair. Just want to clarify. I ended it because it was wrong. I am dealing with what to do now and looking for advice. Not looking to point figers or play victim. So I would appreciate not being attacked. It is not helpful. Thanks. 1
ComingInHot Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Ajvd; You've got a few pages of tell /not tell. Are you any closer to making a decision? Have you thou thought about which avenue you would use to tell her? Have you thought about the words you would use? Have you thought about possibly "fallout"? I Do think Honesty is the best way to free yourself but you probably need to put a plan together. There are some incredible ladies here who have done what you're considering. Maybe review their threads to get even deeper insight & clarity*?! 1
Decorative Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 How is being in an affair honest ? That's the flaw in your logic. You chose to engage in a deceptive relationship, and now you're crying foul. I am glad you don't see yourself as a victim. His wife is the only victim in this Thanks for twisting my words. I never said being in an affair was honest. I just stated I did not lie to him about what he was getting into with me. I was not making excuses for the affair. A bc opuple people questioned why I did not feel loyalty to him in previous posts I was just trying to explain my reasoning for why I dont. Not trying to justify the affair. Just want to clarify. I ended it because it was wrong. I am dealing with what to do now and looking for advice. Not looking to point figers or play victim. So I would appreciate not being attacked. It is not helpful. Thanks. I promise, I am not attacking you. I am trying to help you approach this from a position of strength. Nothing I said to you is an attack. I responded to information you posted. If you feel it is, then I encourage you to take appropriate action and ask moderation for help.
Author Ajvd1 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 I started writing letters to all involved... not sure if I will send or not. As I stated above I was going to take time and really weigh my decsion carefully. I think we got off topic on the whole loyalty issue and I was just trying to state my reasons as to why I didnt feel loyalty.
Author Ajvd1 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 In a new turn of events...he breaks NC. I just returned to work from my lunch break. Co-worker says a guy called for you while you were at lunch and instead of leaving a message he asked for your email. Its basically an email saying how unfair it was of me to cut him out of my life with no explanation and changing my number was so imature. He really cares about me and is worried about me. He is "dying" without me. God seriously didnt need this today!!!!
BetrayedH Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 In a new turn of events...he breaks NC. I just returned to work from my lunch break. Co-worker says a guy called for you while you were at lunch and instead of leaving a message he asked for your email. Its basically an email saying how unfair it was of me to cut him out of my life with no explanation and changing my number was so imature. He really cares about me and is worried about me. He is "dying" without me. God seriously didnt need this today!!!! I love the immature part. Pot meet kettle. What a doofus. I hope you're ignoring. 2
BetrayedH Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 He is "lying" without me. You had a typo. I fixed it. 2
Author Ajvd1 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 Ignored, flagged as junk mail and deleted! Although I did want to reply to his dying comment that I'd help pivk out the casket. But I refrained. Now I feel like telling her even more. He obviously isnt gonna go quietly so guess I will have to be extreme to shut him up. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Ignored, flagged as junk mail and deleted! Although I did want to reply to his dying comment that I'd help pivk out the casket. But I refrained. Now I feel like telling her even more. He obviously isnt gonna go quietly so guess I will have to be extreme to shut him up. Kidding aside, it can be another legitimate motivation. Over time, I think it becomes hard to argue against exposure on a lot of fronts. But for me and many others here, it always seems comes back to honesty with a BS; dishonesty is a difficult case to defend (the advantages of dishonesty typically serve to protect the guilty parties) and honesty gains traction in regards to being the ethically clear choice for the individual. I usually only question honesty/exposure now if there is a demonstrable and verifiable physical risk of harm or in the case of children.
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