Feeling like coming clean

[Ajvd1]

What are everyones thoughts on telling your own significant other and theirs? I have discussed this with some close friends and have researched a bit online but all signs point to not doing so to relieve your own guilt. I understand this but at the same time I wonder if it would help perhaps start to heal the problems in Relationships that led to the affair to begin with. I dont think you can ignore that kind of elephant in the room. Also everyone says don't tell just for revenge. But honestly dont the partners deserve tp know what was going on anyway. I mean its basically a big lie they are living without even knowing. These are just things I am thinking about after being 31 days NC. Trying to wade through the aftermath is very confusing to me.

[Catplates]

What are everyones thoughts on telling your own significant other and theirs? I have discussed this with some close friends and have researched a bit online but all signs point to not doing so to relieve your own guilt. I understand this but at the same time I wonder if it would help perhaps start to heal the problems in Relationships that led to the affair to begin with. I dont think you can ignore that kind of elephant in the room. Also everyone says don't tell just for revenge. But honestly dont the partners deserve tp know what was going on anyway. I mean its basically a big lie they are living without even knowing. These are just things I am thinking about after being 31 days NC. Trying to wade through the aftermath is very confusing to me.

 

There have been many long threads on here about this topic.

 

People have a range of opinions.

 

BS almost always say they don't care who tells as long as they know.

 

Motives vary a lot also. Some want revenge on the AP and take it out on the BS. Others just want to come clean all round.

 

There are many opinions about who has the responsibility of telling also. Is it your place to tell, or should the spouse?

 

At one point, I wanted to rip out xMM's throat when he threw me under the bus. I never did though.

 

I felt in my case it was different. He was almost 70 and so was she. Financial and other circumstances would have prevented her or him from starting a new life at their ages.

 

Each of us has to weigh up what seems best in the end. I think one of the old French philosophers wrote something about revenge being a dish best served cold.... don't do anything in the heat of the moment that you might regret later.

 

Cat

Cat.

[spice4life]

I recently read an article that stated "infidelity" was not a major cause of divorce. It was things like contempt, resentment, finances etc that were the leading cause for divorce. So if fear of divorce are holding you back, then the odds are more in your favor that it won't be the outcome if you disclose. As a matter of fact, the research the article was based on said that many couples ended up improving their marriage to levels they never imagined when they were faced with dealing with infidelity.

[Decorative]

What are everyones thoughts on telling your own significant other and theirs? I have discussed this with some close friends and have researched a bit online but all signs point to not doing so to relieve your own guilt. I understand this but at the same time I wonder if it would help perhaps start to heal the problems in Relationships that led to the affair to begin with. I dont think you can ignore that kind of elephant in the room. Also everyone says don't tell just for revenge. But honestly dont the partners deserve tp know what was going on anyway. I mean its basically a big lie they are living without even knowing. These are just things I am thinking about after being 31 days NC. Trying to wade through the aftermath is very confusing to me.

 

I would suggest you read a few books- like How To Help Your Spouse Recover From Your Affair ( Linda McDonald), Not Just Friends ( Shirley Glass), and Private Lies ( Frank Pittman).

 

Many many experts endorse exposure. Most psychology based information I have ever read endorse disclosure. There are a few exceptions - but the majority suggest disclosure.

[Decorative]

And as a betrayed spouse ? I would ask you to tell. Honesty becomes the cornerstone of a rebuilt relationship. And that's an awfully big thing to sweep under a rug.

[Ajvd1]

I appreciate the input. My situation maybe a little different and that is why I am so torn. I am a BS and his OWI the one who told me about there almost year long affair. I was two months pregnant with our 2nd child. After lots of counseling and him changing his number and dislosing all passwords to emails and other online accounts like fb to me we were able to reconcile. But it was a huge stress and I do still resent him which may have led to my own A. I often wonder if I was left in the dark if we would have been able to have a less stressful life with one another. But at the same time I think of my xMM's wife...as if she were me back then. Had I not been told he may have continued to cheat on me and I feel my xMM will cheat again on her. He has told me that he has never been able fo be 100% faithful to anyone he has been in a relationship with. Maybe she deserves to know the man I know....idk its a difficult to figure out. As far as my relationship goes I wonder if we have the strength fo weather another storm. I feel guilty more for his bs being hurt than my own.

[Realist3]

It has beena month of NC. Move on. Leave it alone.

[KathyM]

Confessing the affair is, of course, the right thing to do for them because everyone deserves the truth about their life. Confessing also gets this elephant out in the open where it can be dealt with. I can't imagine living with this lie untold and trying to pretend it never happened. I think keeping that concealed from your spouse while trying to rebuild your marriage would make it very difficult, because there will always be that elephant in the room, even if your spouse can't see it, it will be there as a barrier to your relationship. If you have any conscience at all about this, you will continue to feel guilt every time you are affectionate to her, every time you look her in the eyes, every time she smiles at you or says "I love you." Wouldn't you want those times to be genuine based on honesty? Putting forth the truth, with a sincere and heart-felt apology goes a long way to rebuilding a marriage, and it will enable you to appreciate her genuine feelings for you in the marriage, rather than her feelings towards an image or facade that is not reality. Wouldn't you rather have her look at and love the real you, rather than a false image that she has of you? Reality is much more satisfying, knowing that her feelings are coming from a position of knowing the real you. That flawed but repentant you, rather than a false image. People are often forgiving when faced with the truth given with a repentant heart. I can't stress this enough--honesty in a relationship makes for a strong foundation. Trying to rebuild with a huge lie between you does not make for a fulfilling relationship for the person holding this huge secret.

[spice4life]

I appreciate the input. My situation maybe a little different and that is why I am so torn. I am a BS and his OWI the one who told me about there almost year long affair. I was two months pregnant with our 2nd child. After lots of counseling and him changing his number and dislosing all passwords to emails and other online accounts like fb to me we were able to reconcile. But it was a huge stress and I do still resent him which may have led to my own A. I often wonder if I was left in the dark if we would have been able to have a less stressful life with one another. But at the same time I think of my xMM's wife...as if she were me back then. Had I not been told he may have continued to cheat on me and I feel my xMM will cheat again on her. He has told me that he has never been able fo be 100% faithful to anyone he has been in a relationship with. Maybe she deserves to know the man I know....idk its a difficult to figure out. As far as my relationship goes I wonder if we have the strength fo weather another storm. I feel guilty more for his bs being hurt than my own.

 

That's a difficult situation for sure. Maybe try focusing on why your inability to let go of your resentments led you down this path to begin with. Better yet, why you cannot let go of these resentments. It sounds like your holding a lot in and it ended up coming out in the form of your own affair. Once you deal with those issues then reaccess.

[Ajvd1]

To realist the reason I am here and asking these questions is to try and move on. Believe me if I could flip a switch and get over it I would. When you find one of those let me know. Otherwise your condescending advice is pretty unhelpful.

To the others...I believe my resentment I hold about his affair is definetly part of the reason I had my own. I guess I felt by him hoping into bed with someone else meanf he found me attractive. This is something I have held on to. Constantly worrying something about my appearance was offputting to him. Then I meet MM and. he would tell me how sexy, beautiful, stylish and physically appealing I was. He would look at me like he couldn't wait to have me and verbalized it to me constantly. This was something I hadnt or maybe wouldnt allow myself to feel at home for along time. The physical part of my A soon turned into an emotional one as well. He just made me feel things I didnt feel at home mostly because I was so guarded from being betrayed. Also every time my H and I would try to be intimate I would picture him and his OW. It kind of ruined it. Being an OW as sick and twisted as it sounds kinda helped me forgive my H. But thiz is all at the e xpense of his BS. And all the things xMM said and did with me he should have been doing with his W. She seems sweet and like an ideal wife. I dont think she deserved what either of us did. I genuinely feel like by me telling I could destroy her but it doesnt stop my feeling that she has the right to know.

[Ajvd1]

LHF why should my loyalty to xMM? He holds no loyalty to me or his W. He basically used us both. I waz able to stop being used because I am not legally bound to him. She isnt even aware she is being used. If he came clean to her that would be ideal but he wont ever do that. I dont want to breake them up and if she hates me she has every right to. If he does I honestly don't care. The feeling would be pretty mutal at this point. As far as my relationship goes...it may force us to reexamine our relationship and either fix the problems or maybe if necessary part ways. Either way somethings gotta give because we cant keep ignoring the problems and finding other peoples arms to shield us from them.

[Ajvd1]

LHF I am not trying to attack your advice. I hear what you are saying and understand where you are coming from. Just stating I dont care if he hates me at this point. During the actual A I never felt used either. I felt like what we had was real and wonderful and destined. But when I removed myself from it and look back that isnt what it was. It was both of us being selfish. I am pretty positive I will come clean on mh end. As for him...I dont know what to do. I feel she has the right to know but you are right I should be 100% for sure I am doing it for the right reasons.

[jwi71]

I feel she has the right to know but you are right I should be 100% for sure I am doing it for the right reasons.

 

What are the right reasons?

What are the wrong reasons?

Will the BS care or even share in your definition of right vs wrong?

 

Just something I'd thought I'd throw out there.

[spice4life]

As far as my relationship goes...it may force us to reexamine our relationship and either fix the problems or maybe if necessary part ways. Either way somethings gotta give because we cant keep ignoring the problems and finding other peoples arms to shield us from them.

 

This makes total sense. It sounds like you are on your way to learning how to let go of the resentment. The way you learned wasn't the most ideal, but it's your journey and it has brought you to this new place. That's not a bad thing and the fact that you now have empathy about the fact it was at someone else's expense is a good start. If I were you I would start by telling your husband. He had an affair and took away your ability to choose for yourself during that time and you deceived him while he believed the two of you were on the road to reconciliation. Neither is fair, but it is what it is and now you just have to put it all out there and work on fixing the issues or part ways if you can't. Tell him exactly what you posted here and how hard it is for you to forget and move past the blow it had on your self esteem. He really needs to hear that. It doesn't matter if you feel your marriage can't survive it because complete and total honesty is the only way to find out if it can. If you truly want to move past it, that is.

 

Regarding your xMM and his wife, I would put that aside for now and just focus on your own marriage. If by chance you are able to fix your marriage and you still feel a strong need to apologize to her, do it together with your husband by your side.

 

Just some thoughts. Not sure if it helps you though.

[Ajvd1]

If I am just telling her because right now I am mad at him that wouldnt be a good reason. Right now I am angry with him so maybe I should sit on it until that feeling subsides and see if I still feel I should tell her. I can't help but feel she would benefit if not immediately at some point from knowing. I wish my answer was black and white but its totally a toss up for me right now.

[spice4life]

I just went back and read some more of your responses and the one that stood out to me was that you are hoping this disclosure would force you to look at and deal with your own relationship problems. It may do just that, BUT that is a very passive agressive way to handle it. Wouldn't it be better to come clean with your husband first if you want to deal with the marital issues once and for all instead of doing it by throwing a grenade at xMM first?

 

I know the BS's say the motive for telling a BS doesn't matter as long as they are told, period. But every circumstance is different and I think telling your husband first before xMM's wife is a better approach. That's just my opinion though. It is your primary relationship right? Is your goal by telling her to hurt both men? Your xMM because you see him for who he is and your husband because his infidelity led you to having an affair? Smacking your husband indirectly with this news is only going to create more issues on top of what is already there. Being honest and coming clean with him is the most direct way to dealing with the problems his betrayal has caused. Stop being indirect and be the bigger person and handle it with honesty. It will lift the weight off your shoulders and lead you to the best outcome what ever that may be.

Edited January 28, 2013 by spice4life

[BetrayedH]

Both BSs deserve to have the truth so they can make an informed decision about their lives. Your motivations are pretty irrelevant in that scenario so don't get caught up in analysis paralysis.

 

And if you want to restore your marriage, this is where you start. Or you keep lying til you're dead.

[MissBee]

There have been many long threads on here about this topic.

 

People have a range of opinions.

 

BS almost always say they don't care who tells as long as they know.

 

Motives vary a lot also. Some want revenge on the AP and take it out on the BS. Others just want to come clean all round.

 

There are many opinions about who has the responsibility of telling also. Is it your place to tell, or should the spouse?

 

At one point, I wanted to rip out xMM's throat when he threw me under the bus. I never did though.

 

I felt in my case it was different. He was almost 70 and so was she. Financial and other circumstances would have prevented her or him from starting a new life at their ages.

 

Each of us has to weigh up what seems best in the end. I think one of the old French philosophers wrote something about revenge being a dish best served cold.... don't do anything in the heat of the moment that you might regret later.

Cat

Cat.

 

I very much agree with everything you've said.

 

I never considered telling, for lots of reasons, but if I did at the time, it would have been because I wanted to hurt him probably and not because I was being charitable.

 

I consider if I were the one being cheated on, would I want to know? Yes. But would I want the OW to tell me? I would not. I really would rather it was that I discovered a receipt to a hotel, came across a text, emails, overheard calls or had a friend or family member see them and let me know about it than for the OW to reach out to me, either after he dumped her or because she somehow was ready to turn over a new leaf. I would be furious frankly and that in my mind would be adding insult to injury to have this OW reach out to me in self-emptying of guilt or in bitter revenge. She has done enough and I'd just feel very upset at also having truth come at her hands. That's how I feel when I think about it personally.

 

I agree it's about what seems best in your situation and the motive. I could care less about "betrayal". Affair rules/etiquette are often so sticky and contradictory, example: it's okay to betray one's spouse that you formerly vowed not to, but not okay to betray your AP by outing the A? I mean it just seems a bit hypocritical. But in As so many very contradictory and nonsensical things must coexist. I personally would tell my own spouse and let the chips fall where they may for my exMM, but I'd also have to be in the specific situation to weigh why I should/shouldn't tell. Certainly if the BS contacted me I would be sure to answer all questions truthfully but it just didn't sit right with me, that now that it's over and I'm upset I would email her. However, I guess if I were also married and attempting to end the A and reconcile my M, it may be different. In such a case telling the other's spouse would make it more difficult to resume the A and so I can see how in that case it would not be about betrayal or revenge but as a means to ensure all ties are cut because of transparency.

Edited January 28, 2013 by MissBee

[Catplates]

If I am just telling her because right now I am mad at him that wouldnt be a good reason. Right now I am angry with him so maybe I should sit on it until that feeling subsides and see if I still feel I should tell her. I can't help but feel she would benefit if not immediately at some point from knowing. I wish my answer was black and white but its totally a toss up for me right now.

 

Do wait a bit. In a couple of days you might change your mind. Please wait until your emotions have subsided a bit.

 

Cat

[Catplates]

I resonate with you too Miss Bee. Well said.

[jwi71]

If I am just telling her because right now I am mad at him that wouldnt be a good reason.

 

You are angry so you tell - perfectly valid.

Why is that not a good reason?

Or is that a bad reason?

 

Again...what reasons are good and which are bad.

 

I believe you will, provided you ask and dig within yourself, discover you are hiding behind false nobility and morality.

 

It is, however, your choice.

[Ajvd1]

I really appreciate everyones responses. You have all givene alot to think about. Thats what I am going to do. Weigh all the options before I make my decision. If only I would have used this logic when deciding to have A I might have been in a much better place today. One of my friends suggested I write a letter to each person involved including myself. Not to send necessarily but juat to get the feelings out. The one to myself is supposed to be basically an apology to me maybe to help unburden the guilt. So I started drafting to my H then gonna move down the line. If it is helpful I will be sure to share.

[BetrayedH]

I consider if I were the one being cheated on, would I want to know? Yes. But would I want the OW to tell me? I would not. I really would rather it was that I discovered a receipt to a hotel, came across a text, emails, overheard calls or had a friend or family member see them and let me know about it than for the OW to reach out to me, either after he dumped her or because she somehow was ready to turn over a new leaf. I would be furious frankly and that in my mind would be adding insult to injury to have this OW reach out to me in self-emptying of guilt or in bitter revenge. She has done enough and I'd just feel very upset at also having truth come at her hands. That's how I feel when I think about it personally.

 

Hmm. I think it's one thing to surmise that you wouldn't want an affair partner to be the one to tip you off but it's quite another to say that you wouldn't want to know because of the source. In nearly two years that I have been here, I have only once seen a BS say that they wished they didn't know. It was the first and last time I've seen a BS say it. It made an impression on me. Reading further, it turns out that her H had been involved with a relatively short-term PA, ended it voluntarily, recommitted to his marriage, and then some years later confessed. The betrayed wife loved him, had seen him improve the marriage, had no intentions of leaving him, but was tortured with mind-movies over something that had been over years before. She wished she didn't know. Since that posting, I have openly asked for ANY other BS to come forward and say they wished they didn't know. I've done it 5 times now. It's never happened. That speaks volumes to me. As much as we might not like what we learn or who we learn it from, we ultimately know we need to come to grips with reality and make informed decisions about how to move forward.

 

Sadly, I see a remarkable amount of conjecture (mostly from OW) about betrayed spouses that wouldn't want to know. I think it's a legitimate question to ask and I think being introspective about your motives is a good thing. But in my mind, the question has been answered 5 times over; the BS deserves to know and while we might prefer a voluntary confession or perhaps an accidental discovery over hearing it from a vengeful OW, we would still want to know regardless. If you don't believe the claim, go ahead and ask BSs yourself but I wouldn't trust the conjecture of OW about what they think they or the BS would want. Thinking the BS may not want to know must make it easier to avoid a very difficult confession. Please know that no offense to MissBee is intended (my apologies if that's happened, MissBee) as I think her intent was honest support; we just have differing perspectives.

[stevie_23]

If you feel no loyalty to him then you don't. I'm probably loyal to a fault. If I loved someone enough to be involved with them I just wouldn't do that, so I offer from my perspective. I've never felt used however, so I can see how that would potentially change the perspective.

 

You want vengence, have at it. I was just pointing out the potential consequences and that you don't seem to actually be doing it for her, I thought maybe you'd want to look at that before you did it but hey, whatever works for you.

 

I agree with this. I just can't understand OW telling their MM or ex-MM's wives. I wrote to MY ex-MM's wife a few weeks ago, but she already knew about me (and had for a LONG time) and I did it for my own closure, and HOPEFULLY for her's in a way, because after the first 3 D-days they had, he always came back to me and she let things drop. But she would've been wondering and worrying the whole time. So I wanted her to know that this time is different and she doesn't have to wonder anymore.

 

Apart from that, I too was / still am loyal to my ex-MM. I'd never want to do anything to disrupt or hurt his life. It's HIS life. And he was good to me during our time. If HE ever told MY partner about our affair...oh my GOD. I don't know what I'd do. But he wouldn't do that.

[Ajvd1]

I agree with this. I just can't understand OW telling their MM or ex-MM's wives. I wrote to MY ex-MM's wife a few weeks ago, but she already knew about me (and had for a LONG time) and I did it for my own closure, and HOPEFULLY for her's in a way, because after the first 3 D-days they had, he always came back to me and she let things drop. But she would've been wondering and worrying the whole time. So I wanted her to know that this time is different and she doesn't have to wonder anymore.

 

Apart from that, I too was / still am loyal to my ex-MM. I'd never want to do anything to disrupt or hurt his life. It's HIS life. And he was good to me during our time. If HE ever told MY partner about our affair...oh my GOD. I don't know what I'd do. But he wouldn't do that.

 

I guess I just feel he was not loyal to me and was very dishonest to me about things when I was akways honest about my feelings and my real life. When we first started our A I was under the impression he was single. Then found out he had a gf...strangely he stopped talking to me for a week and I was distraught. I did a lil internet hunting and found their wedding registry. He stopped talking to me because it was the week of his wedding. We slept together just 5 days before he said I do. I called him told him to lose my number. He says she got pregnant and he felf he had to marry her . Had 2 months NC. He text me out of the blue on my bday. We start talking again he tells me he didn't get married. Called it off. Then I get hooked again. Go on fb one day see the wedding album. Obviously married. Call him on that. He claims he cant live without me and lied for fear of losing me. Then randomly one night says my W is pregnant I just found out today. Um...wtf you said thats why you got married. He completely forgot he told me that and she was not pregnant when they married. Judging by the math and her announcing her due date on fb she got pregnant with in the same week we started the A again. I just think he is a slimebag...she deserves to know but not sure I will be the one to tell her. I havent decided that yet.