BetrayedH Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 What do you hope to gain from confronting him? Either he lied last time (and will do that again) or your friend lied. Will words from the mouth of your boyfriend sway you again? If he's fooling around, he'll most certainly hide it better because you will have revealed that you're onto him. Confronting accomplishes nothing but to show your cards. Your real choices are either to quietly go into investigative mode or to leave because you know enough already to determine that his actions are a dealbreaker for you. 3
Leigh 87 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Peli123 - I am so glad your back! I was worried he had left and was living a life with the other women buy now? I thought you were too depressed to come back, and that he had left by now. Unfortunately, I cannot see this guy worth waiting around for - it is not going to do your kid any good. Having two parents living together is great, but so too is two parents who love the child and are amiable with each other. Your child will have every chance in life if you live apart from his dad; what determines a child's success in life is more to do with the level of love and positivity he gets from his two parents. I would not give this man another chance. A man who is seriously in love with his partner would not even entertain the idea of life with another girl. I would not want a guy who even gave reason to believe that he was into another women. Looking is fine. Being attracted to other women is normal. The level of concern your partner is causing is never conductive to a healthy, happy relationship. I would not bother with couples counselling if it were me; once my partners love slips from me to the extent that he falls for another women, I would rather that we both move on. Good luck with your talk - please let us know how it goes. We are all here to support you. 1
2sunny Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 As I said, I never said I wasn't going to have the conversation with him, I said I'm waiting a couple of days to do it face to face. I'm not waivering on that, whats done is done, it's not going to help me either to do it over the phone. That's fine that it worked for you and I'm glad, all I'm saying is that I know that is not the right way for me to deal with it. No money is missing and nothing out of the ordinary on the phone bill What is your plan? What consequences will he have when he lies straight to your face?
Author Peli123 Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 I think I've been unclear in my latest posts...I'm not staying with him full stop, but I want to talk about that face to face. We've been through a lot together regardless of the outcome now
BetrayedH Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I think I've been unclear in my latest posts...I'm not staying with him full stop, but I want to talk about that face to face. We've been through a lot together regardless of the outcome now Last time you talked to him, you chose to believe him. What will be different this time? You seem to be avoiding this question. What purpose does confronting him serve? What possible outcomes do you see?
2sunny Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 So what is your plan - after talking to him face to face?
Author Peli123 Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 As I said in my last post - I'm not avoiding the question at all, I stated my intention clearly - I'm not staying with him, I'm leaving him. But I'll be telling him face to face and not over the phone.
2sunny Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 You are leaving? Why not him? Have you taken action? Packed all your things or his?
Author Peli123 Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 To be honest, I know you and Betrayed are trying to help but I'm feeling REALLY overwhelmed, my entire world is falling apart, and the last few posts I've felt a bit got at 1
2sunny Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 To be honest, I know you and Betrayed are trying to help but I'm feeling REALLY overwhelmed, my entire world is falling apart, and the last few posts I've felt a bit got at Really? Asking a simple question makes you feel pressured or "got at"? I was simply trying to determine if you are DOING anything that supports your intent...? Ya know, taking action instead of standing still. Doing something instead of nothing... So that you get the idea that YOU can take charge of your own future! You have the power to act on your thoughts...
2sunny Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 My world fell apart after 23 years with my exH. I had to start taking action! No one but me was gonna do what needed to be done - I had to find strength I never knew I had! You can too! 1
BetrayedH Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 My apologies for the tough love approach. Many of the betrayeds around here wish we had done a thing or two differently. Many of us confronted before we had undeniable proof (and as a result, we failed to get past our wayward's gaslighting). He's managed to get past your defenses once when he told your friend he was falling in love with this girl. You didn't have sufficient proof and so you believed him. It happens all too frequently. Even worse, you've then shown him that you're watching (which typically results in the affair partners taking it further underground to the point where you may never get the truth). But all of that is a moot point if you are resolved to make a break from him. I didn't gather that from your posts. I thought you were just going to talk with him, which usually accomplishes nothing. If you are bound and determined to separate, then I agree that what you need now is support. Do you have a decent support system in place to help you both logistically and emotionally? There's no doubt that this is one of the most difficult things to suffer. It's bad enough when there are no children involved. Learning to effectively co-parent with someone who betrayed you is no pizza party. But it can be done and it helps immensely to have friends and family surround you. Either way, you will make it thru this. And trust me, we are here to help. My best wishes are with you. 2
Leigh 87 Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 It must be awful, I cannot imagine what it would be like to have a child with a man who you still love and want to be with, when he has developed feelings for someone else. The fact is - you want to stay with a version of your partner who does not like other women. You do not want to stay with him as he REALLY is - a man who has developed strong feelings for another women. Look - you saw it once, and people are telling you they are acting physical close with each other. As much as you love him, do you really want to be with a man for life, when he acts this way with other women? Things would be just awful and completely scary and different from your old life for a while, but in the end: Don't you want to end up with a man who only has eyes for you? I totally understand that you wish your current partner was that person, but he isn't. If he was, he would not be acting in the way that he has been. I am not sure if he has already gotten physical with her, but either way; you should begin the process of moving on. Which will be a long and hard process. Just think about the END goal: to eventually end up with a man who won't have eyes for other women. 2
Leigh 87 Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 And Peli123, There are MANY....... SO many happy stories of parents of children who have broken up and gone on to find different partners. I have personally known of people who have gone on to love again, even though their world came crashing down on them after their first failed relationships.
NervisPervis Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 I know you're overwhelmed, but Monday is AWFULLY close, and you've got a lot of planning to do. You've got to take a breath, rest a second and make a list. Get it done. You need physial arrangement advice (I don't know about the legal implications of who physically LEAVES, but take with a grain of salt the "why are YOU leaving?" accusations you'll get. You take whatever control you need. If physically forcing him out of the house will be difficult, by all means, leave with your child). And please remember, your plan will go perfectly until he starts speaking. You need to plan for all contingencies! Saying you are going to do something and doing it are two different things. It's time to "do", not "say". You need to be strong. I don't envy you. You sound like a nice person. I'm pulling for you. NP
Leigh 87 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Remember to ask yourself Peli, " why do I want to stay with a man who has rumours about him and another women" Ask yourself " do I want a man who gets too close to another women, who's eyes light up when he sees her, and who acts like he is close to her and cares about her" ............................................ Do you not think there are other men out there who you will love just as much as this man? Do you believe there are men out there who will NOT cheat or fall for other women? 1
kamani Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Peli, you there? I didn't read very carefully, but from what I read, I felt nothing terrifying has happened so far. It seems your husband being a born flirt, as you say, has confused you about what his intiention may be. I don't advise you to immediately leave him without any clear conversation. But it seems as if you are not ready bring the matter into light. You have to do something, at least find out whether your partner actually wants to be with her or you. If it is you, you know what to do. I feel he wants to be with both, that's the pathetic situation and you shouldn't allow it.
NervisPervis Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Any update? Yes. She took him back with no further questions or discussions. She chose to live in her own little hell rather that rock the boat. He's getting ready to see his little lady today and she's home crying. Maybe not an EXACT update, but surely pretty close.
2sunny Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Yes. She took him back with no further questions or discussions. She chose to live in her own little hell rather that rock the boat. He's getting ready to see his little lady today and she's home crying. Maybe not an EXACT update, but surely pretty close. Do you know this for a fact? 1
Author Peli123 Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 Thanks Nervis, what a helpful, supportive post to somebody whose world just fell apart. Nice. To those who actually posted support - me and my child moved out. I don't know if he's going to be with that woman or not but he seemed almost glad I knew and he didn't have to pretend anymore. He said he never stopped loving me, but he didn't love me like he did/he should anymore 3
BetrayedH Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Thanks Nervis, what a helpful, supportive post to somebody whose world just fell apart. Nice. To those who actually posted support - me and my child moved out. I don't know if he's going to be with that woman or not but he seemed almost glad I knew and he didn't have to pretend anymore. He said he never stopped loving me, but he didn't love me like he did/he should anymore Good job, Peli. As hard as it is, this was obviously the best (and only) real choice for you. While these things are awful to bear, do your best to start looking forward to the rest of your life. Spruce up your new place and enjoy a new found freedom as much as you can. Your second life begins today.
Leigh 87 Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I'm incredibly sad for you. I wish you and your child all the best. Your going to be just as happy with someone else one day. I'm glad you left: most women don't until the guy leaves. 3
2sunny Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I'm glad to see that you are taking action by eliminating yourself from a mans life that doesn't intend to make you his priority. His actions weren't showing loving behavior. His actions showed a liar and a cheater = and nothing about that is what I call love! He's got some twisted idea of what love is! I hope you'll stay strong, steady and on path to honoring and respecting yourself enough to stay away from his brand of "love".
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