2sure Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Peli....what is personally considered cheating? It varies doesn't it? But many of us here asked ourselves the same question and put it aside each time we may have seen a red flag...because we loved our spouses, because we didn't want to jump the gun on an accusation, because... Cheating is something hidden from you because you would be uncomfortable with it. That's enough of a red flag on its own to have a sit down all the cards on the table conversation. 2
Author Peli123 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 2sure, what you're saying is dead on, I'm just in such a strange state of mind I don't think I can digest it yet From what I've said in recent posts, what would you think if your partner was doing those things with another woman?
ComingInHot Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Cheating is (in my consideration) anytime a BF/H gives an intimate part of himself to someone other than his GF/W. Intimacy in the forms of: Sharing dreams Sharing/discussing problems & resolving together Sharing private details making vulnerable to another Sharing intimate secrets/thoughts about the other person Conversation alluding to sex Recurring compliments about others looks, body & beauty Touching. ie; hand-holding, touching thigh, lingering hnd on small of back too long Kissing And foreplay Sex Thing is most people won't consider it cheating Until they have sex... If this ow really is a beautiful kind woman, I can't conceive she would be "okay" unknowingly participating in cheating and harming another person. Maybe a surprise visit to gym w/son along w/a kiss hello isn't such a bad idea after all. It would let this other woman Know what she's gotten herself mixed up in and your BF can see for himself you w/your son in arms OR a hot woman w/no son. ( I mean she doesn't have his son) 1
Author Peli123 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 Your list reminded me...My friend says my partner is constantly touching her. Not in a sexual way, but he'll touch/squeeze her shoulder/arm if he walks by her, or grab her waist/tickle her, and if they are standing next to each other there is literally no space between them...none of that is normal, is it? I'm reluctant to go there as 1) she may not be there at that time 2) I don't want our child around any of this crap, though I understand your reasoning and 3) I'd find it humiliating 1
freestyle Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 I would stop in there with your child in your arms, to drop off a snack for him, next time you hear that she's there with him. Walk right up as he's talking with her, and say, "Hi--somebody wanted to visit Daddy..." If she doesn't know the truth, she will then....... It will be a wake-up call for your guy, too....... (whoops--I just read CIH's post---great minds think alike, I guess...) 3
Author Peli123 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 Thanks for your reply. I understand the reasoning, but I don't want to use my child like that. Also, because we work different shifts and when I am home in the day, I need to sleep, if we did go in it would look VERY odd to him. Plus, she already knows about our child, he's told her about him and shown her pictures...it's me I'm unclear on 1
2sure Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 2sure, what you're saying is dead on, I'm just in such a strange state of mind I don't think I can digest it yet From what I've said in recent posts, what would you think if your partner was doing those things with another woman? Prior to finding out my husband was cheating on me and changing my life....the 2sure I was , would not have thought much of it . In hindsight, I know I should have immediately Asked questions and validated my own instincts . People tend to not want to be the one to share bad news. Your friend has brought this to you probably because she knows more or because she has been cheated on. You have felt questionable enough to seek visual confirmation. You are not secure with your relationship or the truth. Your relationship is in trouble. Your family is being violated. By your spouse, your best friend. Surely, you can have this conversation. It's easier than not having it. 3
Author Peli123 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 Oh don't worry, I'm not saying I won't. I'm just saying I need a few days to digest and process the most recent information before doing so. I thought it was worth a post on here to make sure others thought the same as me before the denial starts...IF he denies it From what I've said in recent posts, what would you think if your partner was doing those things with another woman?
2sure Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 It's a hard conversation Sweety. I can't make it easier or more right. But, woman to woman, I can tell you sincerely, it's the right thing to do for yourself and your family. I wish I could hold your hand hand . 2
BetrayedH Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 He told your friend he was falling in love with her, you then stopped posting for months, and now he's holding hands with her. Care to explain? 1
Author Peli123 Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 I don't really see what there is to explain that's not in my opening post...We spoke, I wanted to believe him for the sake of our family and to put this thread/the whole thing in the past. Clearly, I can no longer do that
freestyle Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I don't really see what there is to explain that's not in my opening post...We spoke, I wanted to believe him for the sake of our family and to put this thread/the whole thing in the past. Clearly, I can no longer do that A situation like this is like rust....it MUST be dealt with,and cleaned up entirely, or it will continue to corrode. The longer you wait, the more damage can happen. 1
Author Peli123 Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 Don't worry, Freestyle, I agree with that now. I was just answering BetrayedH as I didn't really understand what they were getting at
2sunny Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 He's focused on her - he's touching her- he's paying TOO MUCH attention to her! It's already obvious that it's over between you two - he just chose not to tell you. I'd end it immediately! But that's just me.
BetrayedH Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I don't really see what there is to explain that's not in my opening post...We spoke, I wanted to believe him for the sake of our family and to put this thread/the whole thing in the past. Clearly, I can no longer do that Your friend told you that she had a long conversation with him and he confessed to her that he was falling in love with this other woman. Now you're back saying you believe him, that it didn't mean anything. You don't tell one person you're falling in love and another person that it meant nothing unless you're lying. Unless it is your friend that lied about what he said to her. Who is lying? Your friend or your man? Now your friend says he is holding hands with this other woman. Is she lying to you about this? You either believe her or you believe him but you cannot believe both. 3
NervisPervis Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 My friend also told me that she'd seen him share a can of soda with this woman. There is one of those epic 300 page threads on another forum. Suspicions like you have. Before infidelity was proven, everyone keyed in on how the OM took sips from his wife's diet coke at a BBQ as if it was the biggest red flag yet. I'm not saying that's proof of a full blown physical affair... ...actually, I'm not sure WHAT I'm saying.
2sunny Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I don't really see what there is to explain that's not in my opening post...We spoke, I wanted to believe him for the sake of our family and to put this thread/the whole thing in the past. Clearly, I can no longer do that Don't stick your head in the sand. He's betraying you - and you should treat him as such. Let him go to her - since he's willing to risk everything he's had with you by paying too much attention to her - he should have her! If I had to even WONDER about inappropriate behavior - he'd be out!
guilted Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 As as former WW and OW .. the OM used to do the same to me. He worked with the public and would grab my hand when I came in and always get close to me because that is all we could do in public. We saved our true physical moments (sex) for when we were alone but when you are being intimate with someone and infatuated sometimes you cant control yourself. Now of course no one knows what is going on besides him and her but all of this is exactly how he would behave towards me complete with telling me he was falling in love. Im not saying this to be hurtful but if I can save one person from marrying this type of guy I wont hold back. This is very passive aggressive like he wants to be caught so you will leave him and he wont look like the bad guy. It was the same with the OM .. he didnt want to be the one who broke up with his fiance and kept getting bolder with me in public not caring who saw. Im so sorry this is happening to you. 1
2sunny Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 A person only gets that close to another person when they have been intimate. 1
Author Peli123 Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 Hi all, I haven't been able to post as I've been at work. I'm going to have the conversation with him on Monday as he's away on a course tonight until Sunday (a genuine one) 2sunny - only gets that close...etc < what was that commenting on, the can thing?
2sunny Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Hi all, I haven't been able to post as I've been at work. I'm going to have the conversation with him on Monday as he's away on a course tonight until Sunday (a genuine one) 2sunny - only gets that close...etc < what was that commenting on, the can thing? All of the body language that you've described never happens between two folks unless they know each other on an intimate level. You KNOW he's completely inappropriate with her! Why are you staying with this cheater even one more minute? I'd call him while he's away to tell him not to bother coming home = it's over! If you even consider having him come home - you need to ask YOURSELF where your healthy boundary is - and why you don't deserve better.
Author Peli123 Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 Prior to this we were a family, and that's something I - at least - value, so it's not a conversation I'd have over the phone. Regardless of my decision about the future, we have a child together so we have to remain on reasonable terms so while I appreciate your reply, 2sunny, I can't do that
2sunny Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Prior to this we were a family, and that's something I - at least - value, so it's not a conversation I'd have over the phone. Regardless of my decision about the future, we have a child together so we have to remain on reasonable terms so while I appreciate your reply, 2sunny, I can't do that I never said be unreasonable. But - let me ask you this - how is being "too reasonable" up to this point been helpful to you? You know he's cheating - now you're just helping him cheat by not stating your boundary and what's gonna change moving forward! I have children - it never occurred to me to be unreasonable when we divorced after 20 years. I just got real - and stated calmly that I deserved better than what he'd been offering me (cheating). How can he know you don't dig it - unless you show him you're not gonna put up with it? What are you so afraid of? 2
2sunny Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Have you looked at his phone records? Email? Checked his account to see if there's money unaccounted for? 1
Author Peli123 Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 As I said, I never said I wasn't going to have the conversation with him, I said I'm waiting a couple of days to do it face to face. I'm not waivering on that, whats done is done, it's not going to help me either to do it over the phone. That's fine that it worked for you and I'm glad, all I'm saying is that I know that is not the right way for me to deal with it. No money is missing and nothing out of the ordinary on the phone bill
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