imfine Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I found out those short calls were to say, "I'm on my way," is why I asked. 1
Author Peli123 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 Well, things have taken a turn. My friend called me again yesterday and I felt sick to my stomach. She had witnessed a few more situations with the woman and confronted my partner and didn't get the reaction she was expecting. Instead of denial, she said he looked sad/confused and admitted he ''was falling/in love with her''. She said they ended up having a talk rather than her shouting at him, which is what she'd planned on. She said he said nothing physical had happened - and she believes him - but that he'd never met anyone like her and he is in love with/falling in love with her. The woman knows about our child but not me, and seems to feel the same way. She said again that he lit up even talking about her. When my friend asked about me, he said how awful he felt. Before meeting her he thought he was happy...She suggested he was just bored with family life but he was insistent it wasn't that, he'd had girls come onto him before but he's never felt this way about anyone and that it wasn't just a physical attraction. I've been on shift all night so haven't seen him and am on nights again so won't until tomorrow. I'm sorry if thats all rambley, I don't even know what to say/do 1
CarrieT Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I've been on shift all night so haven't seen him and am on nights again so won't until tomorrow. I'm sorry if thats all rambley, I don't even know what to say/do You confront him IMMEDIATELY with what your friend has told you. Get it out in the open and get him to 'fess up so both can decide how to handle it.
Author Peli123 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 I really really want him to tell me himself. She's told him he has a couple of days to tell me or she will... I'm really scared I'm going to lose him. Being attracted to this woman was one thing, but falling in love with her...?! 1
Leigh 87 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 You have already lost him. He is in love with someone else, and the love you both shared together is not compelling enough for him to pull away from her. He will be happier with this women, and you will be happier finding a man one day, who will want to be with you SO deeply, that he will not put himself in the position where he risks falling for someone else. Some men are truly averse to letting themself be in the position where they could fall for a person, that when they see potential with a women, the men will pull away (if his love for his partner is extremely strong) I am SO sorry. This is just awful. I would feel sick too, if my boyfriend fell in love with another women. Cheating is bad enough; to actually all in LOVE is ... so much worse. Where to start... ....There are different levels of love. The strongest, absolute strongest type of love a person can feel: is when that person really SAFE GUARDS their relationship... They feel so in love with their partner, that they take.... EVERY measure to avoid interacting with people whom the suspect they could get feelings for. They are so scared of meeting another person they could fall in love with, that they are.... too averse to it, to let the love blossom. ................................ You do not want a man who is in love with someone else. You will be better off, after a year or so, to just take the plunge and end it with him now, so that you can seek out a guy that will be more in love with you than your current partner. You deserve to find a guy that has the deepest possible love for you. It takes time to find a person you reallllllllly love. And I mean REALLY love. Looks like your boyfriend has found it with someone else. It happens a lot in life, and it is just the most awful thing a women could go through (when it happens to them). ..Now it is your turn to decide what YOU want. ...Your boyfriend has found a more complete love for himself. You too, deserve to go after the type of love you want. I know you do NOT want a man who is in love with another women, therefore you know what you have to now do..... 2
Leigh 87 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I really really want him to tell me himself. She's told him he has a couple of days to tell me or she will... I'm really scared I'm going to lose him. Being attracted to this woman was one thing, but falling in love with her...?! I am soooooo sorry. Please come here for support, we will all be here to offer you kind words, and to just be a community of people that you can lean on. This is one of the worst kinds of pain a women can go through, in my opinion, please feel free to come here and just talk about your utter disbelief... The women at work sounds like a good shoulder to cry on occasionally too.... I think it may help to go and meet her, and just cry about it to her; she knows BOTH of you, and will definately feel very sympathetic towards you! Sometimes it helps to let it all out.... You cannot see it at all now, but there will be a point where you will move on from this man, you have to come to terms with it. ....Just sit down, chill a bit, take some time to proces it all. I you havn't already, you should learn all about going no contact. ..You are going to have to come to terms with shortly, that he will be physical with this women. The fact he also loves her compounds this, it makes the pain soo much worse. I am SOOO sorry your going through this, it is truly heart breaking, I am almost crying when I read stories like these:(:(:(
Author Peli123 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 Hi, thanks for your reply, Leigh, I really appreciate it. I did read it all properly but I have to dash out again so will reply properly later but just wanted to say that I'll never be able to do no contact - we have a 2 year old together 1
road Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Another marriage falling apart because husband and wife work different shifts and do not spend enough quality us a lone time to keep their relationship alive.
Leigh 87 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Hi, thanks for your reply, Leigh, I really appreciate it. I did read it all properly but I have to dash out again so will reply properly later but just wanted to say that I'll never be able to do no contact - we have a 2 year old together Hey, how are you doing? A lot of people on here are really willing to help you and listen to you:) In fact, some people (ahem) like that we are there to listen to the very worst situations that people can go through... The end of relationships, cheating, lying, etc..... Some people may prefer to talk to their friend about all this, but the fact we will never even see what you look like or meet you in real life, may enable you to have a break from crying with your friends, and offer you an additional support network. Your friends/family AND here are all things to do rather than just sitting there crying. I hope we can help you.
Leigh 87 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Another marriage falling apart because husband and wife work different shifts and do not spend enough quality us a lone time to keep their relationship alive. Ignore this poster, the fact is: your husband simply felt stronger about this women, than he did about safeguarding your own relationship. .....If you feel very very strongly about ONE person... You tend to not let yourself get in the situation where you fall in love with another. Keeping a relationship alive is important, however: the fundamental emotions you have for another human being still have to be compelling enough to make you pick THEM, over falling for another person. ...... Look, there others out there, besides our partners, that we could fall in love with also. We happen to meet one person we fall in love with and stick with them; but there are many more people who we could have ALSO fallen in love with. It comes down to; do you feel strongly about your current relationship, to recognise your attraction and potential feelings building towatds them? It is natural to feel attracted to other people, when your in love. It is natural to feel a "spark" with another person who your attracted to, even when your in love with someone else.... ....The strongest type of love in a relationship, will cause the people involved to SAFEGUARD the relationship. .....Your partner may well have loved you, but not enough to safeguard the relatioship. I am sure he really loved you. Your the mother of his child. He will always look to you with that sort of love. He was too coward to tell you sooner, but he is not a terrible person, just not brave enough to just come clean to you sooner.
Leigh 87 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Aww I wanted to know the outcome of this. I bet the OP is so upset that she can't get on here:( The guy is prob with the new girl now, poor OP:(
road Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Ignore this poster, the fact is: your husband simply felt stronger about this women, than he did about safeguarding your own relationship. .....If you feel very very strongly about ONE person... You tend to not let yourself get in the situation where you fall in love with another. Keeping a relationship alive is important, however: the fundamental emotions you have for another human being still have to be compelling enough to make you pick THEM, over falling for another person. ...... Look, there others out there, besides our partners, that we could fall in love with also. We happen to meet one person we fall in love with and stick with them; but there are many more people who we could have ALSO fallen in love with. It comes down to; do you feel strongly about your current relationship, to recognise your attraction and potential feelings building towatds them? It is natural to feel attracted to other people, when your in love. It is natural to feel a "spark" with another person who your attracted to, even when your in love with someone else.... ....The strongest type of love in a relationship, will cause the people involved to SAFEGUARD the relationship. .....Your partner may well have loved you, but not enough to safeguard the relatioship. I am sure he really loved you. Your the mother of his child. He will always look to you with that sort of love. He was too coward to tell you sooner, but he is not a terrible person, just not brave enough to just come clean to you sooner. Barf barf and more barf Relationships need to be fed and nutured to stay alive. Working different shifts will lead to neglect.
imfine Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I'm so sorry Peli. I have no words other than to take care of yourself. Nothing but time will ease the pain & it will feel like an eternity until you start to feel better but you will feel better. Confront him & take control of the situation. Let him go. Don't live your life waiting for the next time. You deserve someone fully committed to you.
anna121 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Barf barf and more barf Relationships need to be fed and nutured to stay alive. Working different shifts will lead to neglect. Your Harley-esque fanaticism doesn't fly here Road. Thank Christ. 2
road Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Your Harley-esque fanaticism doesn't fly here Road. Thank Christ. Well well, using his name in vain. A fine example on how to disagree. I guess what we have he is not only a failure to communicate but a veritable Barforama
Author Peli123 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 Hi, sorry I didn't reply for a while. I've been trying to sort things out...we had a conversation where he admitted that there was someone he was attracted to etc but it meant nothing. I wanted to believe him, so we carried on as normal and everything seemed fine. I told my friend I didn't want to know anything more unless she was 100% sure there was something to tell. That happened last week. She said the woman was in and he spoke to her and something was obviously wrong. My friend was behind the counter with him trying to listen. The woman had her hand on the counter and my partner grabbed it and interlocked fingers with her, then told her to come around to the office for a hug. I don't really know what to make of that. That's not signs of being attracted to someone, even I'm not that naive, the interlocking fingers and cuddling her to comfort her... My friend also mentioned that she'd been talking to someone and showing them pictures on her phone of her holiday and my partner had bought her a coffee and brought it over to her. Her phone was on the table as she took it and my friend heard him say ''Is that you? (yes) Let me have a look!'' and grabbed her phone. The picture was of the woman in a bikini on a beach and he zoomed in on it... I didn't even know what to say to that. I might sound dumb but both of things are definitely crossing a line, right? I know he can be a bit of a flirt (without intent, it's just his personality, outgoing etc), and I had hoped my friend had misread that but ???
anna121 Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 I'm sorry. It must be so tough when you have a young child with someone. I'm sure you would do anything you could for it to be nothing. But it is not nothing. He is almost certainly cheating on you. Emotionally if not physically. Everything is not fine and it won't become fine by ignoring it.
Author Peli123 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 Thanks for replying. It's not nothing, is it? You don't grab someone's hand like that that you don't care about or actively ask to see a nearly naked picture? It definitely sounds more than a passing attraction, doesn't it? 1
Holyoak Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Thanks for replying. It's not nothing, is it? You don't grab someone's hand like that that you don't care about or actively ask to see a nearly naked picture? It definitely sounds more than a passing attraction, doesn't it? Yes, yes it does. During my one sided hysterical bonding post D-day, my STBXWW would have sex as much as I wanted, but kissing, and HOLDING HANDS was an absolute no-go. This gal allowing, and seemingly liking to hold hands with your husband is a very serious sign of affection, and would absolutely signal much more than a passing attraction. I consider your husband a cheater, and cheaters are great liars and minimizers. Cheaters will only give as much as they are busted with, and if he admitted to you he had feelings for her, it is very likely there is more, potentially MUCH more to the story. This is a critical time where you need the real deal. Do not feel bad looking at his electronic stuff, asking him any question you like to help you feel safe, and be VERY CAREFUL. Sure, it could be nothing, but my spidey senses are reving up, and from my detached third party perspective, something is rotten in Demark. Best of luck, and I'm very sorry for your pain.
Author Peli123 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 Thanks for your reply. It sounds pathetic but I'm sitting here constantly refreshing hoping somebody replies. He's not here, my child is in bed so I'm just here, thinking...Oddly, I don't feel particularly distressed, I don't really feel anything right now. I was told a few other things that he's done with her, and my friend said she casually mentioned it to another female who works there and she said 'Yeah, but he flirts with everyone, thats just him'. She hadn't actually seen him with this specific woman though. My friend also told me that she'd seen him share a can of soda with this woman. Initially it didn't seem like a huge deal, but a glass is one thing, a can somehow seems more 'intimate' if that doesn't sound crazy? Apparently he also helped her out with something to do with her car too
Holyoak Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 No, you ARE NOT CRAZY, or pathetic! This is somthing you have no experience with, and it is SMART to seek help from others who have seen it all. Your gut is screaming for a reason, and if they are sharing a can, that is way over the line, especially with what you have already been shown. I used to repair my STBXWW girlfriends cars, but it was always known ahead of time, that I would do it at our garage, and that my wife would be there. I established boundries because I cared about her, and in no way did I ever want there to even be the slightest doubt by her that fixing cars was what I was really doing. Right now you have no idea what can potentially happen, the absolute gut ripping pain, and trauma that awaits if he is lying to you. This is the time you need to confront him hard, and point blank ask him what you need to ask. Do not be afraid to "hurt his feelings", as this has gotten more people in similar/same situations killed emotionally later, and only made the situation worse. Waiting can allow him/them to deepen what they have, build up stories, and gaslight you, till YOU are now the problem, and you might actually believe it. You know, "we are just friends", "she was having a rough time", "why are you so controlling"... People with nothing to hide, hide nothing, and although he is entitled to privacy, he is not entitled to secrecy. I know how all consuming this crap is, and even the "nothing" feeling you describe. Please again be careful, and trust your gut.
ComingInHot Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Hey there! I'm go a reply! I just finished reading everything. What a kick in the gut... So, what do you know ? He IS cheating. (Cheating isn't just sex) Questions to which answers may be helpful: Does this OW KNOW he is cheating on you w/her? Does your SO realize that You KNOW he is cheating on you and your son? You'd be amazed at how quickly A's "fizzle" when, a) the OW doesn't realize they are helping a man cheat on his family making her an OW w/out her consent & b) the cheating partner is "exposed" to those he cares for and suddenly realize ALL that he could lose. So, where are you at w/all this?
Author Peli123 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 Thanks again. It might seem like I'm focussing on little things but would you do that with another woman, the drinking out of the same can? I don't know why he's doing this kind of thing in front of other people, unless he's just that comfortable with this woman that he's not even thinking. Also, other people aren't blind and will gossip. If that were at my work I'd be thinking if they are like that in public, wtf are they doing in private 2
Author Peli123 Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 ComingInHot - I have no idea of anything about this woman, other than she's ''beautiful and really lovely''...and that's from my friend's mouth. My friend hasn't and wouldn't say anything directly to her as that would get her in trouble saying that to a customer. I would never expect her to, either. I know the woman knows he has a child as my friend has seen him showing her pictures of him My partner knows only what he's told me, I told him I'd noticed him talking to some woman and he admitted the attraction etc From what I've said, what do you personally consider cheating?
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