Peli123 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 (edited) Hello, Ive been reading the forums for a few days and today i finally felt the confidence to post. My boyfriend and me have been together for 4 years and we have a 2 year old. I'm not going to post what he does, but he works with the public. I'm not particularly friendly with anyone he works with as Ive only met them a handful of times. There is one woman who I get on with and I received a phone call from her the other day. At first it was just a normal chat, but then as the conversation wound down she told me that I should be careful about my partner...She has seen him with a customer on a fair few occassions and seems to have taken a real shine to her. She said whenever he sees her, he'll go over and have a chat with her and from his body language he seems quite close. After we hung up I didn't really know what to make of her comments. We've never had a problem before, but the way she was talking alarmed me so I did something a bit silly...I went to his work and sat in the outdoor bit with a newspaper so he couldn't see me and watched for a while. I didn't like what I saw, but I don't know if I should be worried. I saw this woman standing at the counter having a drink and the second he saw her his eyes lit up and he was straight over to her. They spoke for a bit and then he grabbed her hand - it looked like he was reading something written on it - but still, he wasn't in a rush to drop it and the whole time he was standing barely an inch away from her. I don't know if that makes sense, but I don't know what to make of this whole thing Edited February 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
imfine Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I would be concerned. First, his coworker probably wouldn't have called unless she had good reason. Second, he approached her & took her hand in front of you. At a minimum he has boundary issues both professionally & personally. Check his computer & his phone before you say a word to him. It may tell you all you need to know. If there is nothing there, sit back & watch for a while. If you confront him too soon, he'll just hide anything inappropriate & you'll never know the truth. 1
Author Peli123 Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 Thanks for your reply. One thing though, he didn't know I was there so he didn't - to his knowledge - take her hand in front of me. I don't know if I misinterpreted what you meant there though? His coworker calls from time to time, but yes, I take your point. She said any time he sees her, he ALWAYS goes over to her/speaks to her and acts like that. Would you really check his phone before talking to him? We've never had any problems before. I'm going to talk to the woman later, so may have more information then 1
imfine Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I would check his phone. My xSO was always outgoing & friendly with everyone so I never thought anything of it. One day he ran inside a store while I stayed in the car & his phone buzzed. I had never in 3 years touched his phone unless I was using it in front of him. My gut screamed to look & I did. My gut was my friend as I found out he was cheating & lying to me. Chances are I had I not looked, I would have never known & we'd be planning a wedding. 1
NervisPervis Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 He likes her. Of that I have little doubt. He's a man and a pretty woman is showing him attention. He likes that attention. What type of an establishment is it that she would be there so much with him? Does your husband work in a type of establishment that it wouldn't seem unusual for her to be around him so much? You were warned of a certain body language. And one one single spying mission you saw if for yourself. Yes, it should be a little troubling. But if SHE is going out if her way to be near him, you have a much bigger issue. Do a little more soft core spying. Do a little more of that viewing from outside his place. Talk to your friend, but don't let on that you are THAT worried about it. Don't send up alerts that you're onto him. Check cell phone records - Does he text or call a number often that you don't recognize? On the other hand, I worked retail a lot in my life. And if the pretty cashier from Starbucks liked to take her breaks by coming down to my store and chat with me every day, I'd be flattered and happy to chat. I probably wouldn't see it as inappropriate, like your husband may not. And I DEFINITELY wouldn't get her number and call/text her without KNOWING I'd overstepped a boundary. You will need to determine if it is a full blown emotional affair or just an slightly inappropriate friendship before you make a move. A lack of electronic communication (calls, texts, Facebook contact) bodes well for it being that alternate, slightly more "innocent" contact I outlined above. Any contact that you don't know about (ie; being hidden from you) will be a huge red flag. If it turns out to be "innocent", it still needs to be addressed, but in a different way 3
Author Peli123 Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 (edited) Thanks again, I really appreciate your replies. I don't really want to talk to anyone in real life about this yet Imfine - That's exactly it, he's an outgoing, friendly person anyway so I've never been bothered by him being himself NervisPervis - It's not unusual for people to be there every day, so that part wouldn't phase me. My friend said he is always the one to approach her, never the other way around. I did call my friend back just now and we had a talk now she's at home. She said she saw him standing with her earlier so lingered a while, and he was showing her a picture of our child without mentioning me and standing so close he was touching her, to quote her ''it's like he actually cares about her, I've seen him just looking at her when she's not looking, hon'' Also, he's not my husband, we aren't married. 'But if she is going out of her way to see him too, you have a much bigger issue' - we aren't married, so he has no ring on his finger so unless he told her himself, she'd have no way of knowing Edited January 27, 2013 by Peli123 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 If you've been together four years and have a two-year old together, was there a reason why you opted not to marry? At any rate, has his routine changed? New chunk of time when he's now often unavailable? You'll want to get concrete evidence, if he is cheating, before you alert him to any suspicions. Otherwise, he'll hide everything and allow you to appear paranoid and silly. At least someone was nice enough to alert you to the potential issue.
Author Peli123 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 Not really, we just haven't... No routine change that I've noticed, we both work full time and my job requires shift work, so nights and weekends but he (or my parents if he has to work too) has our child then
Nyla Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 What is your intuition telling you? Don't let your boyfriend know that you received a warning call or what you saw. His coworker could already be involved with him. 1
kamani Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I feel this is a red flag. Anyway don't rush up to a decision, be careful and find out more. 1
silvermercy Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 (edited) As others have said you will need more concrete evidence to confront him with your suspicions. Because, yes, he will definitely deny it and you'll just appear the jealous and paranoid GF. Can you gain access to his phones, emails, facebook, chat logs etc? All you can do for now is ask your friend to keep an eye on him. Maybe she could take a photo/video on her phone if she sees something suspicious? Also, do you know for sure, she's aware he has a girlfriend now? If yes, how does he speak of you to her (good words, bad words, neutral)? p.s. On an unrelated note I just remembered an episode from a comedy sitcom (Friends I think?) where the man (Joey?) showed pics of a baby (his 'son' apparently) to women in order to make them more receptive to him. Because he discovered that women love daddies with children. I truly hope everything comes back clean though! Listen to your gut for now though. Edited January 28, 2013 by silvermercy
Author Peli123 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 I feel very uncomfortable checking his phone/facebook etc as I don't know he's done anything wrong...Am I being incredibly naive? Silvermercy - No, I have no idea if she's aware of my existance. All I know is that he showed her the picture of our child but didn't mention me. My friend didn't really hear her say a lot back I did glance at his phone last night and saw a new number of a woman and a couple of texts I'm assuming is her, but he's taken her on as a client (He's a trainer)
Author Peli123 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 The woman is not his coworker, she's a customer, the coworker was the one who rang me. I don't really know what to do
Author Peli123 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 I went again today but I didn't see either of them...Do you think it makes any difference if he's taken her on as a client?
imfine Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 If she's a client, it will be easier for him to justify time with her, emails, phone calls, etc. Investigate sweetie. I know you feel you shouldn't snoop because you don't know of any wrong doing but the wondering will make you crazy. At a minimum he's on a slippery slope that could lead to something worse. You didn't ask for this. HIS behavior is causing red flags. Don't sweep it under the rug. If you do, you'll suffer for his behavior. You deserve to have your mind at ease if it's nothing, or have the truth if it's something.
NervisPervis Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 he's taken her on as a client (He's a trainer) Oh. There's no way it will get inapproproiate then. Male trainers NEVER hook up with thier clients.
Survivor12 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 How did you know that she would be there when you went and hid behind the newspaper? Did his co-worker give you a heads up? If you have a way of finding out when she is there, why not pop in to see him (without the newspaper) to ask or tell him something that "just couldn't wait until he got home" and introduce yourself as his girlfriend/child's mother? At the very least, you would be sure that she knows about you, you could witness their reactions first-hand, and maybe even find out her name when you (politely) introduce yourself.
Author Peli123 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Imfine - 'At a minimum he's on a slippery slope that could lead to something worse. You didn't ask for this. HIS behavior is causing red flags. Don't sweep it under the rug. If you do, you'll suffer for his behavior. You deserve to have your mind at ease if it's nothing' Am I being incredibly naive hoping it IS nothing? Survivor - I didn't know when I went before, I just got 'lucky'. It would be really out of character for me to drop in to see him, so that might just alert him that somethings up...Also, my working hours are all over the place and I'm on nights for the next week so won't be able to observe for a little while.
imfine Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 You are not naive for hoping it IS nothing. We all want to think the best of those we love and you are probably afraid of getting hurt. Only you can decide if you can trust him blindly.
Author Peli123 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 I definitely won't trust him blindly. To be honest, I'm more concerned by the face that his coworker said about him 'lighting up' when he sees her and how he acts like he's got feelings for her rather than if he were just attracted to her 1
Author Peli123 Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Today I got another phone call from my friend saying she'd seen him talking to her while she was sitting in the cafe. She was getting her things together to go and he offered her his hand to help her up and again didn't drop it that quickly as she left. Am I being paranoid reading into everything now? 1
imfine Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Unless she is some crazy drama queen that likes to cause trouble, your friend is trying to help you out. I don't think you are paranoid at all. I think your gut is screaming at you & until you do something it's not going to stop. Don't confront him. Investigate. He sleeps right? Get his phone & go through it. Check his texts, calls, email, social networking. Chances are if he thinks you suspect nothing, he'll be lazy & not delete. If you find nothing, it's a good sign. If you find something, you'll know. Don't put yourself though the crazy making of the unknown.
Author Peli123 Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 I looked at his phone yesterday and he'd called her at 7:30am, but only for a few minutes. Other than that, nothing out of the ordinary. I don't know, I've seen him with clients before - of both sexes - even from a distance when he did'nt know I'd arrived yet and he's never touched them. He's not touching her in a sexual way, that I've seen, it's more of a caring/protective way and I don't know which I like least 1
imfine Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Any way that you can find out what time he arrived at work yesterday?
Author Peli123 Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 He was taking our child to nursery and getting there for 8am, so he must have rang on the way as the times match up 1
Recommended Posts