savethedrama4allama Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 The guy I'm dating has lost his job (through no fault of his own) but spent the better part of a week sleeping in until 1pm and not even looking for a new one, until I sat him down and told him that I am concerned about his lack of effort. (I want my partner to have the same drive as I do, and also I have been footing the bill for all of our fun since he lost his job..also he talks about living together and getting married someday and I told him I can't go into that with a man who won't try to find a job) It just seems like he makes every mistake in the book (lying, drugs, etc) until I catch him or say "no way, Jose." But when I do catch him, or voice my opinion (which I always do, we communicate well) he claims he is sorry and he will change. And eventually, he does change...I THINK. Its still hard to trust him completely because he lied to me a good few times. Its to the point that I'm wondering...what next? What dumb trick will he pull next that I'll have to put the kabosh on? I feel like his mom. I'm not sure if he does this crap on purpose to see how much he can get away with, or if he is dense.
YellowLioness Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 Yeah, he needs to get off his butt. Its not cool for you to pull his weight and yours too, no pun intended. I actually just had a friend dump her man because of this same thing. She's working a full time state job, and her man was in construction. Well, his job stopped and now he's out of work and doesn't want to get a job... This went on for a long time, finally she just kicked him out 'cause she couldn't afford his car payment, plus hers and the rent. Now he's living with his parents, and begging her to take him back. She's staying strong, though. If he gets a job, she will take him back. I don't think she's being hard core. I think sometimes men just need a kick in the rear. I'm not saying your situation is this extreme, but he needs to appreciate your efforts more.
beautiful Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama The guy I'm dating has lost his job (through no fault of his own) but spent the better part of a week sleeping in until 1pm and not even looking for a new one, until I sat him down and told him that I am concerned about his lack of effort. (I want my partner to have the same drive as I do, and also I have been footing the bill for all of our fun since he lost his job..also he talks about living together and getting married someday and I told him I can't go into that with a man who won't try to find a job) Why are you paying for everything? It just seems like he makes every mistake in the book (lying, drugs, etc) until I catch him or say "no way, Jose." But when I do catch him, or voice my opinion (which I always do, we communicate well) he claims he is sorry and he will change. And eventually, he does change...I THINK. Its still hard to trust him completely because he lied to me a good few times. Lying and Drugs are NOT MISTAKES! Its to the point that I'm wondering...what next? What dumb trick will he pull next that I'll have to put the kabosh on? I feel like his mom. I'm not sure if he does this crap on purpose to see how much he can get away with, or if he is dense. This is not about him but all about you. Why are you with him ? You seem to have a good idea about what he needs to do how about worrying about what YOU need to do next. You can;t change him or motivate him , he is the way he is. You with him so you have to except him 100%. If you do not like the fact that he lies to you and does drugs and does not have a job...........................you leave. Do not complain. This may sound harsh to you but the cold fact here is that you are allowing it. You are not his mother and it is not your job you take care of him! This is a relationship heading for some serious trouble if not already in it. There is a reason why you with a "looser". Aren't you special enough to deserve a great healthy guy in your life? Seems to me like you love the "potentials" in him and if that is the case he will end up leaving you some day anyway..........when your money runs out. He will move on to the next girl who supports him. I do not know how long you known this guy. Whatever he is showing you now.................is what you will get in the future. No one can hide their true self for to long. Do some serious soul searching before this gets worse. You have a huge red flag in front of you and you ignoring this! It is already telling you something is very wrong here and it begins with YOU! I wish you the best
CurlyIam Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 Stop being his mom. Stop trying. Let him be the man. Untill you do this, he won't change. I guarantee you in one month he'll either have a job or you'll have another bf. Remember, you can't save anyone from himself !
savethedrama4allama Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 Good points... On paper he sounds like a loser. Lives at home, has been working for 5 years on an associates degree and still isn't finished, has no job at the moment. I am almost finished with a masters, have been moving up in my company for 8 years. But I try to tell myself that material things do not matter and that is not how I should define "success" or a datable guy. Even when the man HAD a job he only made $9/hr. But he worked in the same company as my mom for a while and by all accounts he is a very hard worker. I have learned in my life that I can support myself financially. What I need from my significant other is attention, companionship, sweetness. He gives me that. Plus I am 2 years older which can mean a lot in terms of "success" when you're in your 20's. BTW I don't support him, I've just been paying for us to go out- bars, concert, out to eat. That adds up quickly though. And come to think of it, I have offered to help with his bills if he needs it. Maybe I'm being suckered? What do you think? I dunno, I'm a very generous person and was under the assumption that he'd do the same for me if I lost my job. It is true that drugs and lying are not mistakes, but conscous decisions. I ask "why" and he says he doesn't know why he did such things. The drug use was very minor and the lying was pretty bad but there are extensive posts on that by me on this board so I won't bore everyone with it. Bottom line, he went to counseling for it and he knows if he lies again, its over. Perhaps I like being with a guy who is "below" me because he admires me. I don't believe that any human being is below another one, but you get what I'm saying. Maybe my self esteem sucks so bad that I want him just because he is enamored with me.
CurlyIam Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 Want to motivate him? Tell him yu're saving for a new car and... that you can't pay for his outings anymore... even yours ! I've been on a 50-50 relationship when he had money and 100 -0 when he had none. Admiration is just fine darling, but you are young enough, prettier enough and very successfull not be forced to pay for it. For you are honey. And don't think you can change him. I've never seen it happen. Don't think he'll change. I know this will never happen. So think: do you want to continue to be paying in order to be with him or not ? Because this is where you are. Even if let's say he will gain money. He's been "trained" that he does not have to participate for you. Love does mean making sacrifices for the other person. And don't think you won't find attention, companionship, sweetness unless you trade for something in return. There are a lot of nice guys out there. You simply have to have the guts to risk it all for one. Darling, unless you love him with all your hert and feel 100 % that he's the one for you I don't see one reason why you should be with him given the circumstances. It's just not a healthy relationship, forgetting about the drugs and the lies....
savethedrama4allama Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 And by the way, I'm from Michigan. Depending on which authority you ask, we are supposedly the fattest.
manofmystrey Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 hey savethedrama4yrmama You situation is a hard one. On one hand you dont want to pressure him too much where he feels like less of a man. But also on the other hand you cant be the one to always bail him out, be his safty net if you will. Cause once he gets that sense of dependence on you that will be a hard habit to break him out of. As for the lying and drugs, that is something that you should not be putting up with in the sense you dont want his habit to spiral out of control. Also if he could by drugs you should not be making his car payment. Also he maybe a very hard worker but he needs to make a effort. Even if the effort is one resume a day at least he is trying. With you being older and wiser you should explain to him that the path he walking is to nowhere. And I totaly understand what you mean by wanting someone to be there for you, but at what cost. You dont want to put yourself in any financial difficluty supporting him. For a bit here and there no big deal but as long as he makes the effort. But if no effort is made you should rethink paying for food, clubs and concerts.
savethedrama4allama Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 I made him buy me coffee last night. Hrrmph. We had a conversation about his lack of motivation in life in general. I told him that I am unsure of our compatibility....but he thinks we have a future and that he is continuing to mature and become more responsible since knowing me...that I motivate him. If THIS is motivated, I'd hate to see him unmotivated. Isn't it crazy how feelings of love complicate what would otherwise be simple.
CurlyIam Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 Take it day by day. It will not resolve in one week or one month. Just stick to your plan - not paying anything for him and see how it goes. And if it means that you won't go anywhere because he's got no money, then don't. That's the reality, he has no money and you have decided you won't give him any and he has to deal with it as it's his problem. In time you'll see if he actually means it. Lots of luck!
YellowLioness Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 sn't it crazy how feelings of love complicate what would otherwise be simple So true, so true. Its kind of like marriage, if you stick by him, it will work. Its all about what you're willing to put up with. I don't know, its strange because I've always heard, "don't ever settle!" However, if every married couple broke up just because they thought they could find someone better, or any time a partner went through a slump, then there would probably be even more divorces then there are.
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