JaneyAmazed1 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 (edited) I couldn't remember the e-mail or password of my original account, but I used to post "JaneyAmazed." If you remember me, I had an affair a little over two years ago. Dday was January 2011. I wanted to give you a two year update. If you don't remember the details, they are in my posts dating back as far as January 9th...which was dday for me. To sum it up, I had a four month affair with a man who was married but separated. He lived alone. I was (and am) married with two children. I decided to confess to my H because the double life was killing me. I didn't want to lose my H and my marriage. Fast forward two years...we are still married and it's better than it ever was. My H's first love was work before the affair. I spent very little time with him, and when he was home, he was usually sleeping. He didnt want sex but maybe once a month. I'm not using this as an excuse, but I'm warning couples that if you don't put your spouse first, you are asking for trouble. In hindsight, I would have done things a lot differently. I would not have cheated. I wouldn't have turned to another man for the affection I so craved. I remember a few months before the affair going to my H and telling him how miserable I was and how things had to change. I told him I liked attention from other men and I didnt' know why. I had always been so in love with my H, and he was drifting away. He said he was not changing and for me to wait longer until he could make more money. He told me to find something occupy my mind. Well...I did. I found someone. The affair was intense as most are. As much as I loved the feelings, the excitement, the guilt and shame overshadowed any pleasure. Pretty soon, my H and I hardly ever talked. When we did, we would fight. It hit me one day...do I really want to give up on my marriage? Do I really want to live like this? Do I really think that my marriage will ever get better if I keep lying and betraying my H? So I told him. Things were rocky for a while to say the least. H decided to stay married. He called the OM and told me to never contact me again. I knew in my heart after my confessing, I would never cheat again. I knew that if my marriage got that bad again, I'd leave. Nothing was worth the pain that infidelity causes. The past two years have been tough but also rewarding. My H and I have changed the way we communicate. He stopped working such long hours. He did make me his priority. I made him my priority. We both still live with memories and triggers from time to time. He has told me that he's reminded of it daily. It hurts to know how much was caused by such a stupid decision. We talk about things, we go to each other when we have problems. As much as I hate to say it, the affair was a wake up call to both of us. My H and I both wanted our marriage to work, and we both put in the work it takes. We are stronger than ever, and I am in love with him again. I admitted to him that I wasn't in love with during the affair. I don't think it's possible to be in love with someone and cheat on them. I had already distanced myself from my H way before OM came into the picture. Not everyone cheats because they want a side piece or want some excitement. Sometimes lonliness and rejection can lead you into the arms of someone who can supply all those needs that fill the void. Hopefully you won't do what I did. My wake up call should have been separating from my H until work wasn't his life. I just didn't have the guts. I was weak and very stupid. I post this for two reasons...1. a marriage can survive and thrive after infidelity if you get to the root of why the cheating occurred and both are willing to make the marriage work. It usually involves lots of change 2. Once a cheater, always a cheater is not true. It's the last thing I'd ever want to do again. It would be like choosing to stab myself in the heart again. Edited January 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 9
BetrayedH Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Hi Janey. I do remember you; I was "Kidd" back in 2011. Great post and I'm happy to hear that you are happily reconciled. Great number of lessons from your post (too many to list, really). There might be a few things where the phrase wasn't my favorite but hell, the overwhelming message was well received by me, to say the least. Congratulations on your restored marriage. PS. Lots of folks still around from 2 years ago. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
road Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Good for you. With more time triggers will be less and less. You will see a big difference after 5 years. Then by 10 years you may have the occassional recall but it will pass fast in a moment. No pain but a just a second to acknowledge to yourself that the affair happened. 1
anne1707 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I knew you could do it Janey. Glad to hear all is going well for you and your H 2
SidLyon Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 (edited) That's great news Janey. I remember you too. There are still a few of us here with recovered/recovering marriages after infidelity. I'm trying to remember whether it was you that had a blog called something like "Jane's secret life" or was that another poster and I'm just picking up on the name. Edited January 27, 2013 by SidLyon
NotCamelot Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 You story is very encouraging to those of us here that are reconciling. Thank you for sharing.
Spark1111 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Be very proud of yourself! I knew you were going to make it!!!!! janey, one question: With hindsight and some distance from the affair, how do you NOW view your former AP? 1
NotCamelot Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 janey, one question: With hindsight and some distance from the affair, how do you NOW view your former AP? I would like to know that as well.
nofool4u Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Once a cheater, always a cheater is not true. I can agree, but the odds, IMO, are against it. You are simply a rare exception to the rule.
Jonah Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 (edited) Stories on the forum here, men "waking up" having flashbacks right around fifty. Then just can't get it off their mind. Just after the kids fly the coop. by then the dynamics have changed as men age differently than woman. What was a sexy bed trophy for a bachelor has gone saggy. What was hapless grows distinguished. In this town, sure a younger gal ain't gonna find it hard to find some attention. But the middle age gals... There is aplenty of them and odd of finding a good man then are slim. Most give up. But some don't and by then could care less if a man is married our not. I can't say the waves of emotion at middle age happen to every formally betrayed man. But it happened to me. Take care... Make sure you keep him buttered up and he won't stray far. Edited February 3, 2013 by Jonah spelling fix
beenburned Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 Jonah, I am a middle-aged long ago former BW. I have no flashbacks and am not discontent at all with my marriage or H. Even though my H is very good looking, I am often mistaken for being his young GF. I also am often mistaken for being my grandD's mother.(we are the same age) I am still a hottie even if my body is not as tight as it was as a teenager. I still get hit on reguarly, and have even had 2 serious marriage proposals as a married woman!(they begged me to divorce my H) Sorry for the t/j, but his attitude hit a nerve with me!!
Jonah Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 Jonah, hit a nerve with me!! Gotta love the gals that take care of themselves... Is the 'ol libido still holding up too?
beenburned Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 Jonah, Most definately!(but not as much as the teenage years) H and I both have no problem in that area!
Jonah Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 Jonah, Most definately!(but not as much as the teenage years) H and I both have no problem in that area! There you go... Life can be good! Not that that its all there is to it, yet it its healthy when its right. One thing about being alive, a can count on more challenges. Growing old for certain... Unless death proceeds.
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