mistu Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Hello to everyone , I’m here because I am in a LDR and I need some advice. First of all, sorry for the length of my post, but I wanted to give as many details, in order for a better insight. Me and my boyfriend met online, we chatted for 6 months and then we met. I insisted on that, he kept stalling the moment for different reasons, though always saying that he wants it. So we met, I came to his town, we didn’t like each other (or so I thought) and then I tried to get on with my life. Shortly after, he got a work transfer to come to my city (we live in the same country) and tried to convince me that we were actually right for each other . He succeeded and we became a couple, for 1 month or so. Then he had to leave back to his town, but we promised each other that we will continue the relationship, which we did (we talk daily, and ,at first, we met weekly, afterwards once in a few weeks). Meanwhile, he managed to get another 2 temporary transfers, so that we could spend more time with each other, and then he had to go back. Since all that transferring was getting weary, especially for him, we had a serious talk and we decided to see each other rarely, so that he could have time to study hard and change his job and city (Ever since chatting, he told me that he disliked his job, found it demeaning (a temp gone permanent one) and he wanted to come to my city –which is way bigger than his- and find a job there accordingly to his college qualification, since his current job wasn’t). So, the plan was for me to wait and for him to study hard and take some harsh exams that could actually help him find the job he wanted. After one very sad period in which we were practically apart from each other (we talked on the phone, but he often seemed rather absent minded), he took the exams and he failed all of them. I was really disappointed, because I believed him when he told me that the chances of him passing are quite big and we will soon be together in the same city. So he promised again that he will try his best and surely he will manage to come to me. But, as time passed, I didn’t actually see him trying to do that..of course, he says all the time that he will study and we will work harder to change his life, but he never seems to pull himself together and actually do it. I confronted him about it, more than one time, and he genuine feels hurt and says I’m right and he will try harder & so on. About 2 weeks ago he had some sort of crisis and wanted to resign his job and come to live with me. I told him that it not wise, since he needs money to support himself. He calmed down, agreed and swore that he will change his routine, study and definitely he’ll be ready to leave his job in March. So I believed him and supported him. Yesterday, after we had a casual talk, I realized that he’s back to his old routine, finding all sorts of other things to do besides studying. Then I got angry and told him that I’m not going to wait for him anymore, if he’s not putting the necessary effort to be with me. He again felt hurt and said he needs to think about it. Other facts: - we have been together for 1 year and 3 months. -When I first agreed to this relationship, I clearly told him that I don’t want a LDR, because I need someone to share my life every day. He said he wants the same thing and the long distance thing is temporary, he will come to my city, since that was what he had been wanting for some years, even before meeting me. My part in this was to support him and wait for him. Which I think I did. Most of the time I prefer not to do stuff (fun stuff like vacations, social events & so on) when he’s not able to join me and try to do them with him, when we can meet. Even if I go with my friends to some concert or movie, I can’t fully enjoy it, because I’d wish he was with me. He doesn’t not act in the same way, he’s more socially active and I think he’s handling the long distance thing better than I do . -My thoughts right now are that he is deluding himself and me involuntary, as he doesn’t seem to manage to put in the effort necessary to accomplish something like a big career improvement (and I am aware that it takes some serious effort) - I keep asking myself if I am not a strong enough motivation to get him mobilized. His parents (he lives with them, so we’ve met) like me, some of his friends and even himself say I am a positive influence on him. -Every time we have an argument, I mostly tell him this kind of relationship is not enough for me, that I feel frustrated not being to do with him the stuff I like. He says the only problem is because we’re not together in the same place, and if I think he is worth it, I have to have a little more patience. My fear is that the waiting will prolong indefinitely since the job market is so scarce. -For me, moving to his town is out of the question, that would be a major setback for me (Coming also from a small town, I’ve worked hard in college to be able to have a life in the city I’m currently it), especially not being able to find a decent job there. -He mentioned a couple of time that he feels like he doesn’t deserve me, like he’s not good enough for me. I told him that’s nonsense, but I’m sure that he’s insecure about it. From the outside, it seems that I could do better (I’ve been hinted) but I do love him and I can see the potential inside, though to others he may seem some sort of a loser (probably to himself as well) -Our sex life is not great; it was very passionate at start, but nowadays it’s more like just sex and not love making. After the exams I felt like he wasn’t into it and into me anymore. We had a talk about it and he denied ever being a problem, said that he is still very attracted to me, but he’s tired and in a bad state of mind because of the exam fail. I sometimes feel that he subtly rejects me, even though he denies it every time, saying I misinterpret. My girlfriends suggested that he may be cheating on me, but I don’t suspect that at all. My questions are : is the long distance the cause of our problems or is something else? What have I done wrong? What should I do? I love him and I want to be with him, but I know I am not capable of waiting unconditionally and putting all my heart in a relationship that, as it is right now, I find it unfulfilling and not promising to get better. Thank you for your patience .
Astra5 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 First of all your biggest problem in the entire situation is asking what YOU DID WRONG?? why do women always go to that?? Wondering what they did, what they lack, what is wrong with THEM? Men are the stupid ones... they think with their OTHER heads... they treat us like dispensible, disposable and plain and simple a PIECE OF MEAT... I read what your saying and I sympathize for your situation... but you need to stand up and realize... if he cant commit.. if he cant give u what u want then MOVE ON... he has no motivation.. no commitment... no cooperation with you or understanding of your feelings. He is selfish and stupid. MOVE ON I say!!
Arnissa_N Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I think the issue here is not the LDR, its your boyfriend. He might be in love with you, but surely he doesnt seem to be mature or responsible enough to want to settle down with you. Or, he just doesnt want it enough. He seems to be the type who would take decisions, but doesnt have the heart to follow it through, otherwise why not take the exams seriously if that is what will bring him closer to you? I can feel your situation, but can only hope your life gets better.
AngrySpider Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 First of all your biggest problem in the entire situation is asking what YOU DID WRONG?? why do women always go to that?? Wondering what they did, what they lack, what is wrong with THEM? Men are the stupid ones... they think with their OTHER heads... they treat us like dispensible, disposable and plain and simple a PIECE OF MEAT... I read what your saying and I sympathize for your situation... but you need to stand up and realize... if he cant commit.. if he cant give u what u want then MOVE ON... he has no motivation.. no commitment... no cooperation with you or understanding of your feelings. He is selfish and stupid. MOVE ON I say!! I'm just going to start by saying that I don't know you or your own situation,so I will try not to be judgmental or insulting in my reply.I'm not going to say that you don't have some right to male-bash.Seeing the level of emotion in your reply to the OP,I sense that you might be inserting a lot of your own personal feelings brought on by bad experiences with men into the mix. As a man,the situation works both ways.I have often found myself in positions where I was treated badly by females.Save for being assaulted sexually,I have put up with just about every conceivable form of abuse from members of the opposite sex.I've always been a faithful,loving,and affectionate person and there were times-especially after being cheated on or dumped for somebody else-where I was asking some of those same questions myself."What did I do that drove her to cheat?" "What did I do so wrong that she would leave me for him? Does he have more to give her than I do?" Those are just a few examples of the crap that was running through my head time and again as my lousy luck in the love department persisted.Men think of these things too.It's not exlusively a female thing. Yeah,some of us do think with the head in our pants.With some guys,it's just a case of screwing by the numbers.They respect only their ego and being able to sleep with as many women as possible gives said ego a major boost.With other guys,it's a case of them having been shafted by enough females in committed relationships whereby they still want to enjoy sex but are too afraid to take things beyond the physical level because they don't want to be hurt anymore.Before I entered into my LDR back in the summer,all I wanted to do was fool around.I wanted to love someone and to be loved by them but it just felt like it was too risky.I came off a 7-1/2 year relationship that ended when my ex found someone else.So yeah,falling in love again was a terrifying thought.Sex without strings attached was a more enticing prospect because it meant feeling no doubts,insecurities,or fears of being lied to,cheated on,and dumped for others again.Most women will never be afforded the opportunity to see the romantic side of me for that reason.So if I do think with my other head,it's to protect something that may be even more important than what's below my belt:My heart. (And they do say that's it's better to think with your head than with your heart.So,with us guys,we're just simply thinking with the lower extension of our brains.) As far as being "pieces of meat," some women seem to like being treated that way because that's how they act.They throw themselves out there like such.Logically,that's going to bring all the "dogs" their way.Why wouldn't they be seen as "dispensible" or "disposable?" Even if someone had the slightest bit of interest in them,it all boils down to that hip-hop adage of not being able to "make a ho a housewife." I genuinely do feel for those women who are honest,loving,and committed that get wronged by an absolute jerk for a man.And if you are a woman who has the aforementioned traits and you've had to deal with such jerks,than I'm sorry that you've gone through that.That type of man should be bashed for his bad behavior.At the end of the day,not all males or females,are really relationship material. I don't disagree with your comments about the OP's boyfriend perhaps not being committed or motivated.That's what it would appear upon reading.However,there are times when there could be any number of factors or variables at play in a person's situation.For all we know,he could just be struggling badly at this point.There could be a sense of pressure to do his studies as well as to do what's needed to close the gap between he and the OP and it's taking its toll on him right now.It's often easy to make haste judgments or generalizations of someone and he may not be "selfish and stupid." @mistu, He could just be dealing with some stress or even anxiety about things.But I won't say for certain that he is.It sounds like-from what you've described-that he may even be struggling with self-doubt and self-confidence.It's great that you are trying to be a motivator and a good influence on him.But at the end of the day,it's up to an individual to get through their struggles on their own and if he really is dealing with issues of confidence in himself,though your influence may be that extra incentive,he's got to get through them on his own.I hope that everything works out for you. 1
Author mistu Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 @ everyone. Thank you for your answers and for your support
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