tbarrera88 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 for the Past nine months I have been on deployment. Things seem to been going well, and the past 3 months or so we have been talking about trying to conceive a child when I went home for R&R (2week break). December 28th she met a guy through a gathering of mutual friends which has been explained as strictly platonic. My R&R started January 3rd, and for two weeks we were reunited again. For the first 3 days, we tried to conceive, and the 4th morning after we woke up she told me she was having second thoughts. Her explanation was that she has liked the life she has been living for the past 9months, has new friends, hobbies, new found freedom...etc. I understood that and told to her think about it and let me know in the future how she wanted to do things. The day that I returned to Djibouti she told me she wanted a divorce, and I was willing to let her seperate and find herself, we are both younger (21yrs), me(24yrs). yesterday I told her how I felt about the situation and asked for her honesty, and she came clean about the real reason. She says she has found her soulmate. she is head in heel in love with him, they have everything in common, told me the things that they had in common, which her ridiculous to me because i know better than she knows herself sometimes and it just wasnt clicking. The Other guy, Shawn was willing to talk to me over the phone, and I can tell right of the bat that these two are completely infatuated with each other. My wife of 4 years, is unwilling to reconcile, she is unable to get this guy out of her head, say she doesnt love me, and is in love with him (after 3 weeks) and non really looking at the reality of the situation. I suggested that she stop talking to the guy for a couple of weeks to let her come back to earth and weigh out her options, she was reluctant. After I realized that this might be just Infatuation, i told her and Shawn, that I wont keep them separated, that I love Rachelle, and if she wants to be happy I should let her. I am going to let this thing run its course...in the mean time i have 3 more months of deployment to focus and improve myself, and see if the true test of love bears all passes/fails. Any insight on this impulsive behavior, and possible outcomes or ways to deal with the situation.
Lois Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 My feeling is that the affair has been going on longer than three weeks. Much longer. It may well be infatuation on her part, but ask yourself: would I really want her back after this? Could I ever trust her again? I think by virtually surrendering her to the other man, you are setting yourself up for enormous emotional torment. Is she really worth that? I'm sorry that you are going through this, I wish you well.
Author tbarrera88 Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 The story is straight, they met december 28 at a friends birthday dinner. confirmed by her close friend. She recalls they talked about playing guitar, my wife is a musician, and it progressed from there.
Author tbarrera88 Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 I think I am coping well, here on deployment we have counselors, chaplains, and my family is a phone call away. dealing with the emotions head on is much more difficult being here, but i am already a resilient person. I do believe that after this initial infatuation period, or "love Cocktail" of chemicals wears off, she will think more clearly...by that time I might had already moved on. on a scale of 1 to 10, i am at a 7, for wanted to reconcile. as the days pass, been a week now since the news. the number fluctuates.
Lois Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 The story is straight, they met december 28 at a friends birthday dinner. confirmed by her close friend. She recalls they talked about playing guitar, my wife is a musician, and it progressed from there. Can you really trust anything confirmed by her close friend? In this case I wouldn't, but that's just me. It's pretty disgusting that she would dump her husband, her deployed husband, for someone she has known for less than a month. I hope you do move on because you deserve better.
Darren Steez Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Look at it. She's been married to you for 4 years. She "met" him three weeks ago. You're trying to concieve but really her heart isn't into it because she's already sleeping with this other guy. Look at it, this guy is willing to talk to you even though he knows she is married. Do you think they haven't had sex yet? He's willing to go in front of a truck for her. She's ready to end your marriage. So now do you think they've only known each other for three weeks? Or is it most likely they've known each other much much longer. You say you know her better than she knows herself..uh uh. Bet you didn't know this did ya? Now you're putting it down to infatuation. You're really not listening to her are you? She wants out. File and let her go. If it really infatuation then the reality of divorce will burn it out. Either way you can't force change. Take care of yourself, start separating your finances asap. Get a lawyer. 2
Author tbarrera88 Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 if you guys wont look past what you think is going on, then i wont look to this for advice...december 28th they met. lets get on with the thoughts
Darren Steez Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Again, you're being bullheaded, goes back to the "I know her better than she knows herself" statement. So what if it's three weeks? She met him and is with him now. They are together in spite of you. She wants a divorce. Separate your finances and file for divorce. Get her served. There's your advice.
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 You're very mature about this, kudos.. And thank you for all that you do. Stay safe. File for divorce. Get the paper work ready and go from there. Right now she's in such a fog but who knows. By filing you are taking control back and letting her know that you won't be a sitting duck waiting for her to choose, or go back and forth. If she realizes on her own that it's a mistake, then maybe you two can work things out. If not, then divorce. It sounds more like circumstances, you're away, she's lonely and met new people. 1
Author tbarrera88 Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 Thank you whichwayisup... yes i already have talked to the JAG office about this so they are making sure i am taking correct action for proceeding with the divorce. 1
Author tbarrera88 Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 And yes i agree...agree these circumstances she was vulnerable, its the hand that we were dealt with the deployment, and up until this guy popped in the picture we handled the separation very well. 1
stillafool Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 You are right to let her go with the other guy. If she wants out let her go. Maybe she will come back and maybe she won't and if she does come back you probably won't want her anymore. You can't put your life on hold for her/them. I wish you well and you are on the right track.
revitup Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 88,you are the strongest 24 yr old I can think of right now.The level of serenity and composure you are showing in this is outstanding and commendable. I think you will pull it off one way or the other.Your understanding and patience will take you to the top with or without her. Just make sure you want her and move forward. REVITUP
coffeebean201 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Going from deployment, to trying to conceive, to her wanting to separate because she thinks some other guy is "the one" .......is a lot of change in a short period of time. Just be a steady guy. Maybe she is moving on. Hard to say at this point.
Almond_Joy Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 First off, I agree you're handling this very well/maturely/rationally. Secondly, you two are as you said very young. Alot of people marry young and stay together for life, but most people have to date around a bit to find out what they really want and also be truly ready to settle down. Your wife sounds very....free-spirited, and a bit impulsive. I think she may have married you because of the security of the arrangement in addition to loving you. At 24 I'm not surprised that she's fallen for someone and wants to explore another relationship. I think you should focus on yourself for the rest of your deployment. Don't contact her or try to talk her out of it. Just let her do her thing for those 3 months. She'll have 3 months with this guy and if that guy is not a good choice for her she will realize it and ask you to take her back. Then you can decide if you want to continue to try and have a relationship with her. But right now she's smack in the middle of a new love high. The harder you try to bring the high down the harder she'll fight for it. Go no contact-hands off and let this experiment of hers run its course. I would suggest you stop financing her lifestyle during this time but by the time you get financials cleared up if you're supporting her you'll probably be back home yes? If not that may be something you want to look into doing. No point financially supporting a woman who's not in a relationship with you. If you're not financially supporting her that's one less aspect to worry about . If you decide to stay with her after all this I would also recommend you both sit down and have her make a decision about what she wants to do with her life. She needs to understand that in marrying you she made a LIFELONG commitment to be with you, regardless of what comes her way. Neither of you seem to be taking that aspect of marriage very seriously right now as you're kind of letting her free to do her thing. Because you're both young that make sense and everyone's entitled to haphazard judgement at least once in youth. But after this if you guys stay together....this cannot happen again and she needs to understand that. Good luck.
TheBadOne Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Kudos on your maturity at such a young age. However, I can't for the life of me understand why today's married youth take adultery so nonchalantly. What ever happened to if my spouse cheats they get kicked to the curb, no questions asked? Especially in your case since kids are not involved. Cut your losses, plenty of women out there that don't cheat. Good luck and thank you for your service. Stay safe.
Author tbarrera88 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Yes....this morning was a rough one, and I'm starting to see things the way i should have seen them before. I believe in Marriage and making it last, and ending this marriage would go against everything i'm about, and everything i'm feeling. But at the moment, I am mentally, and physically exhausted, and at my wits end. I don't commit in relationships, but when I do, i give it my absolute all. No failure on my part, I know that from the bottom of my heart. Every decision I have made in my personal and military life the past 4 years have reflected around this relationship.
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