Did I make the right decision?

[ohnoo]

Hello...I don't know if I made the right decision. This is kinda long please bear with me.

 

I just broke up with a Korean man. We've been together for 8 months. It was long distance, he's in Korea and I'm in another Asian country. Our relationship was very very sweet. Always talking, saying good morning, eat lunch honey, goodnight. Things like those, we're always updated. The problem is it's a fragile relationship. We are sweet the whole day and a fight will happen 2-3 days after...maybe 3 petty fights in a week. We already broke-up 2-3 times and ok again after 4 days...longest was after a week. He was the one who contacted me and wants me back.

 

I also had some problems with him. He smokes, drinks (I always get drunk calls) even if his liver is already in a bad shape. Basically he's stubborn and right now he's in a funk since his business went down last September. He doesn't want to get a job and says he'll visit me first...but he told me that last SEPTEMBER...I broke up with him for real, last night.

 

He tells me that he has no money so he couldn't visit which I understand so I told him to find a job first but he still insisted that he'll visit me first and tells me he'll buy tickets "next month", "next next week", "next week", "tomorrow". When I ask him if he already has tickets, he'll tell me "I'll tell you when I buy." and when I ask again he gets mad. Maybe I'm nagging but I only ask because he told me he'll buy and I already explained to him that I need the dates so I can fix my schedule too. I also always got my hopes up and then crushed. My friends tell me if he really wants to see me then he would've already visited, I think so too.

 

Wow, writing this down makes me feel that I did the right decision...but I feel guilty cos most of the petty fight were made by me and my jealousy...but I feel that he will never buy tickets. We broke up last Jan. 16 and he contacted me again after 1 week (Jan 23) I replied to him on 25 but then said he'll come here on Feb 23 when our plan to meet was January 29. The dates were pushed and pushed. I gave up waiting and called it quits last night. I've been waiting since September. I told him he will NEVER come.

 

Umm...Also, I kinda feel guilty because during the break-up and 1 week of no contact, I kinda moved on quickly and I was pursued by someone and I entertained him. To be honest, some men are waiting for me to break-up because they think my man is not a good man and is just fooling me. They said "money problem" is just an excuse, he can get part time jobs (easy in Korea) and see me so it means he has no drive to see me.

 

Um, and for the record, we are serious. We already planned our wedding and he told me his budget for it. Family plans, etc... His mom sang me happy bday during my bday and I plan to meet her this year which in Korea culture means getting married is the next step.

 

Did I make the right decision? I think so...but I need someone to confirm. I feel very sad and hurt because his last words to me was "You really hurt me. I will die, I hope you have a happy life. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry."

[stevie_23]

Hmm. This situation is different from the one I was in with my ex, but there ARE definitely some similarities.

 

My ex and I were together (long distance, online / text / phone relationship) for almost 2 years. Both of us were also in other longer term relationships, to this complicated things greatly.

 

We wanted to meet in person to see how things went and if we still wanted to be together "in real life", we would then make some hard decisions about our long term relationships and try to make a future together.

 

Problem was, he would make these statements about being so impatient to come and visit me, but we both knew it wasn't practical. He had no money for it, and he couldn't just go away for a week when he was still with his wife. I knew this, he knew this, and it was ok, but it annoyed me when he kept SAYING he would work out how to come and visit anyway. And of course it never happened.

 

I DO believe he truly wanted to visit me, and he got swept away in his excitement and desire to come and meet me, but forgot (sort of) about the practical problems.

 

With YOUR man, I'm not quite sure why he hasn't taken the (seemingly simple) steps to visit you. Even if he just got a short term part time job to get enough money for the visit, you know?

 

And you say when you tried to talk to him about it, he'd get mad? He probably felt like you were nagging him, but of course from your point of view, you were just trying to work out WHY he hadn't done anything yet when he kept making you promises. VERY frustrating.

 

In terms of the petty fights you two would have, this is also similar to my ex and I. I would get jealous (of his time. Any time he spent not with me I didn't like), I'd get insecure because I sometimes worried he didn't love me "enough" to really ever be with me.

 

Also we're similar in terms of these other men kind of "waiting" for this breakup to happen. I have 2 good male friends (online only, also) who know about our history, and had been kind of waiting for him to break up with me (because of complications from my ex being married and trying to still be with me), and BOTH of them I have sort of...developed slight feelings for. But I think this is just me trying to "replace" my ex. All I really want is him. Even if I'm not sure I really DO want him anymore because I just don't see how it could ever really work now.

 

But anyway...basically, for you? You made the right decision. He was not taking any serious steps to come and visit you. He wanted to marry you? (so did my ex. We discussed it at length) But he hadn't done anything about visiting you first? Actions speak louder than words.

 

In any case, if he TRULY loves you enough to really make a move and take those steps, he will reach out to you somehow and REALLY do something. He will come and visit you if he really wants you back with him and to really be with you properly.

[ohnoo]

^ Thank you very much! So many things are the same. You're right, he was really just all words, I couldn't see any action. And I already told him that a lot of times and his reply was "You'll see, I will really do it.". Didn't happen. I bought him gifts and showed him, he never did the same. That should've been a red flag for me. I think he just likes the idea of being with me but lacks practical thinking. I always asked him before "Do you really want this relationship? This is expensive." his reply was "Why are you expensive?".

 

Yeah, he made me feel that I was nagging him. One conversation went like this:

Him: I'll buy tickets tomorrow.

(Next day)

Him: Honey, I'll go out and meet my mom's brother.

Me: I want to ask about something but let's talk later...^^;

Him: Tickets?

Me: Yes. ^^;

Him: Ok ok ok ok, I will not meet him. I'll buy tickets, it's what you want.

(Fight)

 

I just want him to mean and be sincere with what he says. If he can't buy then don't tell me because I'm expecting and he made me feel like I'm forcing him to buy. His reasons why he couldn't buy were... "because we fought", "no money", "my credit card maxed out", "no available seats (supposed to be airmiles thing)".

 

Ok...wooow, writing this down really shows me what a fool I was. No money but maxed out his credit card. Pffft. I don't want a man full of debts. Ok...that was a really good decision. Damn, love really made me blind and stupid.