grace777 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Hi - I am 3 months out of a break up with a girlfriend I had for over 3 years. I am also a woman. We started dating when she was 19 (she's now 22) and I am now 35. She is the first woman I've dated, but I am not her first. She lived nearby for the first two years, but left a year ago to go back to school out-of-state. We worked on the LDR thing for the last year and a half. It wasn't too bad because we'd see each other once a month, and when we did, it was always a highly romantic adventure. She also came home for a month around Christmas and nearly 4 months in the summer. For the entire 3+ years, our relationship was amazing. She literally swept me off of my feet and I did for her too. We came off an amazing summer together, filled with vacations and romance. Our connection and attraction and love was powerful. I don't know how to give the words to express how strong they were, but they were. Then she went back to school out of state. When she did, it was normal at first, but then I started hearing her talk a lot about another woman at her school who is 25. My girlfriend came to visit me in Sept. and we did have a great time, but this other woman was texting her constantly. We discussed it and she assured me that I am the only one for her, that this other girl (who is also a lesbian - and was in a relationship at the time too) was only a good friend. She left and within a week broke up with me. I flew out to see her, in the hopes of working it out, or at least coming to some understanding...to no avail. We were done. After over 3 years of a great relationship, we were done. She didn't admit it for a couple of months, but she started a relationship with this other woman almost instantly after our breakup. At that point, I was a wreck. Honestly, I was for about 2 months. Eventually, in fact, I told her that I couldn't be friends with her and went NC for a month. This broke her heart. I told her when she was home for Thanksgiving in person. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. But I am glad I did. However just before Christmas, I broke the NC. I emailed her and she responded saying that she wanted to be friends but I had to accept the new woman as her gf now. We agreed to give it a shot and that we could hang out while she was in town over Christmas for a bit, but that I did not want to hear of the new gf. She started contacting me all the time. Texting, calling, emailing... I responded most of the time. It was good. I felt as though I had actually been getting over the relationship part, mostly due to the NC a month prior. And now, having her as a friend - someone who was my best friend for so long - felt great. Then suddenly, she went dark. Stopped returning my texts. Started posting personal hurtful things on fb that only had meaning for us, but making them suddenly about the new girl. Then we saw each other. It was awkward at first, but then a lot of fun. Of course the new gf texted about 30 times throughout the night (no exaggeration). My ex stayed for about 6 or 7 hours. We didn't hook up, but she kept trying to look deeply into my eyes. She kept probing to find out if I'm dating - which I am starting to - then giving passive agressive bitch slaps to the new girls I'm talking to... She sat very close to me on the couch got a little snuggly even, when we were watching things on TV. A few days later we met up again for lunch. My ex was checking me out the entire time. This time, afraid to look at me or my eyes, which confused me. Her new gf texted constantly and my ex suddenly became sad and anxious. When I asked her what's wrong, she said it wasn't a part of the "deal" for me to see her twice. And that she wasn't allowed. I told her that this is just lunch and not a big deal, plus her new gf shouldn't have the power "allow" her to do anything. I dropped her off and that was the last time I saw her. She texted me several times over the last few weeks and we talked on the phone once or twice. In each conversation, she was excited to share everything she's been up to, talk to me about school, her family, etc. Then followed by some random and unnecessary texts about how she now (after 3 months) plans on marrying this new girl, which of course makes my stomach turn. I decided that she's playing weird games, that I don't fully understand, so I haven't had any contact with her in a couple of weeks. I just don't understand. I am actually doing quite well now. I am dating a couple people casually, my career is great and I feel pretty good. I've been working out and hanging with friends and family, blah blah... Admittedly, I have my moments when i just miss her and all we were. I don't get how this happened or why. See there was nothing wrong with our relationship before. It was beautiful and deep. The only thing I can see here is that when she went away and was alone for a month, she became lonely. This "friend" then moved in through that back-door friend route, cheating on her own long-term, 8 year girlfriend (they even owned a home together) - and tempted my ex-gf. I honestly think my ex is still in love with me. She never even had a week to let go of our relationship, as she jumped straight into this new one, which came from both parties cheating, and is now moving at lightning speed. I'm wondering if this is because of her age, being only 22? Is it possible that she does still love me? I know I need to let go and move on. I have moved on and I have let go about 95%, but a piece of me just thinks, that maybe - after she completes her next two years of school, there will be a chance for us. That's why I don't want to ditch the friendship altogether. I also care deeply for her. But she only gives me glimmers of the real her. Once she begins to open up with me, she suddenly goes dark. I don't know... I guess I just want some insight on this matter. She means so much to me and it was all so sudden. I feel like I can't give up completely.
coffeebean201 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Sounds like it was a great relationship you had with each other. But now it doesn't sound all that emotionally safe for you. She is caught up with this other relationship. It is somewhat unpredictable. She keeps reaching to see if you are there. But I don't hear too much about how this relationship being rekindled would be great for you. Sometimes loving someone isn't enough.
stevie_23 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Her behaviour confuses me. I'm a 34 year old woman who has only been with other women in real life (although I now don't know if I'm gay anymore and have been in love with a married man for almost 2 years online / long distance), and my long term partner of 11.5 years and I have a 17 year age gap (she'll be 52 soon). We met when I was 22 and she was 39, and while we've had no issues with that, it does sound as if your ex is somewhat...lost? I won't say "immature" because I don't know her, but she does sound as if she doesn't quite know what she wants or perhaps even how to be in a functional and happy relationship that is sustainable. She still cares about you. That much is clear. If she didn't, she MAY have been the type of person to just drop you and never feel much of a need to talk to you again or have you in her life. It's also clear your 3 years together was VERY good and happy. You will never lose that, no matter what the outcome of your current situation is. People's feelings change, however, and it does seem her's have. You sounded a bit surprised that she was with her new gf only a week after she broke up with you, but this is very common and generally points to the fact that she had been falling out of love with you for a little while (and may not have been comfortable admitting that even to herself at first), which enabled her to develop feelings for her new gf even while you were still together (which may have disturbed and upset her to realise this), and then also cause her to believe she would be happier to now BE with that new gf as opposed to with you anymore. And so she did it. A week between being in love with you and being in love with her? No. I have NO idea why she would be posting hurtful and cryptic messages on websites for you to see, or blabbing to you about how she's getting married to this girl. I honestly don't get that. It really confuses me. Immaturity? Something to do with the new gf? Your comment that your ex said she wasn't "allowed" to see you twice stuck out for me. Firstly, she should be free to do whatever she wants, and secondly, why is this gf so insecure that she would set down "rules" like that? There's something weird going on with that. Maybe the gf is the one who posted those hurtful comments, who knows. Maybe she's ultra controlling. I honestly don't know. But I DO know that your ex DID love you during your time together. It seems she cares about you still but for now, she is with this other girl and there's nothing you can do to change that. Try to be happy in your own life and within your own mind and soul. Try not to get TOO tied up or extricated in your ex's life and feelings. She seems to be in an unstable position since she left you, and it's not good for your happiness to be half in / half out or involved passively in that. It may also not be good for your happiness to be back with her eventually either, even if she did come back to you and even if those 3 previous years were so good.
Author grace777 Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 Thank you both for your replies. I agree that it is too unpredictable to be a safe place for me to hang out and just wait. So I really have been out there and trying to improve myself, socialize, and also date. But still, I just wonder if there is a chance for us? I appreciate Stevie's insight as to the fact that it's possible that she was falling out of love with me before any of this surfaced. As hard as that is to admit, I accept that it could be true. I keep going back in my mind, however, and when I do, I only see us together, strong and amazing and deeply in love. She even told me that she'd transfer to a school within miles of where I live if that's what I wanted. Of course I told her no, that I wanted her to enjoy the entire experience, but she offered that up just weeks before she left me. Further, on our last vacation (over Labor Day) before she went back to school, we discussed marriage. We'd been talking about it for over a year, but we seriously entertained the idea of eloping at the time. Was all that a lie? It wasn't for me. And my heart of hearts knows that she sincerely believed in us at that time. Something just rapidly switched for her. And I can't help but believe she was manipulated by this "friend" who she's now involved with. Still, if she's that easily manipulated, that's no good either. This is why I wonder if it's possible that she does still really love me, but has been swept away in this new thing - because of her immaturity? It's ironic though, because she has always been younger, yet acted so much older and wise beyond her years. That is why we were together. And now that she actually is older, she's acting younger and immature for the first time in our relationship.
stevie_23 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Hmm. My best friend of 20 years (who was also my partner for 4 years way back in our late teens and early 20s), her girlfriend after me was younger than her, but only by 5 years so it seems like NOTHING now, but at the time, she was 17 and my friend was 22. Although very young, her girlfriend was very mature, wise, fairly sophisticated and confident. However, over the 7 years they were together (and they got engaged too, in the last year of their relationship), and as she matured more, she also seemed to in some ways "regress" to a more immature self. It was a bit strange. Later, after she abruptly left my best friend and moved to a different country to live, she said she had felt stifled and too sheltered. My friend was ready to settle down and this is what her girlfriend thought she wanted also, but then she realised it just wasn't and she felt it wasn't fair to stay together when neither could fulfil the other's needs for happiness. She wanted to be "young" and explore the world, etc. Anyway, this is a different scenario than your one I think, but...I just honestly don't know what to suggest... 1. She is going through a quarter life crisis and this new gf is a reflection of THAT as opposed to an accurate reflection of what she REALLY wants (which is you? Or something else altogether even?) 2. She has been manipulated by this other girl somehow and is "stuck" with her and doesn't quite realise? 3. Her feelings changed and she isn't mature enough at this point to behave 100% clearly about that, so she left you, got with someone else she may or may not be that happy with, but still needs you around? I just don't know. But I DO know how it feels to be completely PERPLEXED by someone you thought (based on EVERYTHING you knew previously) loved you 100% and was SO happy with you and would be with you forever, when they suddenly just...leave. It is impossible to believe everything was a lie (and it's 99% likely it was NOT a lie, what you and her shared. I'm sure she felt everything she said she did, that she felt the same as you), it's almost impossible to believe they've left at all until obviously you have to accept it has happened...and it feels like a dream sometimes because it just doesn't FIT with anything that went before. I know how it is.
Author grace777 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 Wow, Stevie, it really does seem that you get it. Your insight is really helpful, so thank you for your time. Are you still with your partner now? And recently broke up with an online relationship with a man? Or did I misunderstand that... If I got it right, how are you doing with both relationships (or exes) now? Love is so confusing! I had always dated men, before my current ex - and I've never been in love before her. Granted, I thought I was, but now I know I wasn't. Your friend's scenario does parallel mine in many ways. And that is why I told my ex not to transfer to a school near me. One of my biggest fears in our relationship is that I'd hold her back from experiences that are so unique to being in your early 20's. I'd never want that. And honestly, that's why I haven't fought tooth-n-nail to get her back. I did try to talk through it within the first two weeks of the break-up, but then stopped trying. Not because I didn't care or love her though, it's because I love her so very much and don't want to stand in the way of her happiness. I just hoped it would be with me. Still we would have two more years of the long distance thing - and two more years of her potentially missing out on experiences. So, maybe pathetically, I still do have that glimmer of hope that when she's done with school, the timing will be better for us. I just wish she'd communicate that this is on her radar too. It's weird, I had been doing so well for December and most of January, but for some odd reason, this passed weekend has been super hard again. I just can't get her out of my mind and I'm being flooded with happy, loving memories - which hurts in the end. Ugh two steps forward, one step back I guess...
stevie_23 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Yes, you’ve got it right! I have been with (and am still with) my partner for 11.5 years. We call each other our “wife” although we’re not properly married. My ex online “husband” just left me in December last year. So yeah… Love IS confusing, but it also really isn’t. Love itself is pure and simple. RELATIONSHIPS and trying to handle all the complications that go along with loving another person intimately is the problem!!!! I have no real issue with my “fluid” sexuality. Until I met my ex I assumed I was 100% gay. Now, not so much. Lol. Don’t know if I’m gay at all anymore, but I’m fine with that. Hmm. Be a bit careful with the vague hopes you’re holding onto that maybe it could work out with your ex in a few years when the timing is better. I mean, this MAY happen. It’s happened before with people. But…just be careful not to WAIT for that long and have your life and inner happiness on hold for SO long, you know? The “just in case” scenario can make you really miserable if you let it. I understand this constant roller coaster of being ok, then not ok, then ok again, then SO not ok…it’s really, really hard. It’s a bit of a nightmare actually. Try not to pressure yourself to feel anything in particular by or at any given time. Just go with it. Sometimes I find it gets a little harder for a while at certain stages later in the healing process because you’ve gone beyond the initial shock and acute pain, and then you think you’re ok but…then you’re like…”I’m ok…ok? Is “ok” ALL there is for me now? Just ok!? I want to be HAPPY again!” and it all sucks.
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