Mtlgrrl Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 (edited) Okay, OP. Sounds like your relationship is only ''perfect'' when you follow the/his rules. Your boyfriend sounds very controlling, you might not feel it at all times but what he is doing is keeping you from having any kind of social life. Facebook is not the problem, people using facebook inappropriately IS the problem. That being said: Opposite sex, friends when dating is always touchy issue, always. Some see it as no big deal and great! Myself I wouldn't like my boyfriend hanging out with multiple girls and its mutual. Sure people can judge and say that's wrong but whatever works for you and if you are truly happy in the relationship, then who cares. In your case, you are not. I'm assuming you wouldn't mind him hanging out with female friends right? So you have two choices here, you can follow his needs (no male friends, no facebook..ect) or take control of what matters to you and risk him not coming back. If he cant meet you half way, this will always be a problem. Maybe if you ask him to come along when you see your friends, so he can see that it's platonic and not flirty or whatever he's thinking. Edited January 28, 2013 by Mtlgrrl 1
KungFuJoe Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 My best female friend is a girl I've known for almost 20 years. She's VERY attractive...teaches dancing (hip hop, jazz, ballet) on the side, is VERY sweet, etc, etc. She used to like me back when we were friends, and maybe still does, but I wasn't on the same page, so nothing happened between us. My wife knows she used to like me because she told her one night when they were drinking together and talking...and we both always suspected anyways from the way she sometimes acts around me. Tell me...how would some of you interpret this situation? Remember, this girl is one of the best friends I've ever had in my life. She's one of the nicest, sweetest, most caring people I've ever known. I'm LUCKY to have her as a friend...have her in my life. And I'm supposed to just NOT hang out with her because someone is "jealous".
TheZebra Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Love and jealousy are two sides of the same coin. You can only be jealous of what you love and you can only love what you are jealous of. If there is any lingering doubt leading one to not trust then it is justified. This is not true. I've been in love multiple times and have never been jealous. Love = Trust, not jealousy. 1
TheZebra Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 My best female friend is a girl I've known for almost 20 years. She's VERY attractive...teaches dancing (hip hop, jazz, ballet) on the side, is VERY sweet, etc, etc. She used to like me back when we were friends, and maybe still does, but I wasn't on the same page, so nothing happened between us. My wife knows she used to like me because she told her one night when they were drinking together and talking...and we both always suspected anyways from the way she sometimes acts around me. Tell me...how would some of you interpret this situation? Remember, this girl is one of the best friends I've ever had in my life. She's one of the nicest, sweetest, most caring people I've ever known. I'm LUCKY to have her as a friend...have her in my life. And I'm supposed to just NOT hang out with her because someone is "jealous". Exactly, it takes two to tango. Even if she IS attracted you and wanted to do something, YOU would have to be on board too, which you're not. I have a guy friend who used to be my co-worker years ago. We always got along pretty well and I always suspected he liked me, but like you, I was not on the same page. When I was still dating my ex I would go to dinner with him one-on-one about once a month. He never suspected anything and rightfully so; I never cheated. In fact, we were long distance for 3 years, so I could've easily cheated a million times, as could he. But we loved each other and never thought twice about anything. Heck, he was out partying, drinking, and doing karaoke with his friends every weekend and I never even batted an eyelash. And no, he never did cheat. I can't imagine what it's like to live in paranoia... wondering if your SO is cheating on you, what they're doing, who they're with, etc. I dunno about anyone else around here, but time is too precious to spend worrying about silly things. It's so restricting, and leads to so much unhappiness.
HitMeNow Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 My best female friend is a girl I've known for almost 20 years. She's VERY attractive...teaches dancing (hip hop, jazz, ballet) on the side, is VERY sweet, etc, etc. She used to like me back when we were friends, and maybe still does, but I wasn't on the same page, so nothing happened between us. My wife knows she used to like me because she told her one night when they were drinking together and talking...and we both always suspected anyways from the way she sometimes acts around me. Tell me...how would some of you interpret this situation? Remember, this girl is one of the best friends I've ever had in my life. She's one of the nicest, sweetest, most caring people I've ever known. I'm LUCKY to have her as a friend...have her in my life. And I'm supposed to just NOT hang out with her because someone is "jealous". NO, but you`re supposed to introduce your gf to her. Make a point to have your gf be a priority when the 3 of you are there.
TheZebra Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 So you would have willingly shared your lover with others? Only if you could do that would you be truly free from jealously but it would also indicate you didn't actually care for your lover and that you weren't in love. Wha?? No, we agreed to be EXCLUSIVE. That meant no sex/physical intimacy with other people, only with each other. We didn't agree to control each other's lives. How is going out to dinner with male coleagues cheating, exactly? Jealousy = Insecurity. If you truly love someone, you're not jealous because you don't need to be. You and your partner only have eyes for each other. What's there to be jealous about?
Treasa Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 So you would have willingly shared your lover with others? Only if you could do that would you be truly free from jealously but it would also indicate you didn't actually care for your lover and that you weren't in love. I don't even know where to begin with this. If my boyfriend treats me well, makes me feel loved, and spends time with me and has never given me reason not to trust him, I don't mind who he hangs out with. I don't own him. When he says he's out doing errands, I don't even ask what those errands are. If I'm out to dinner with people, and they ask to try something on my plate, I'll let them. Unless they start eating my entire meal I'm not going to worry about it, you know? 1
KungFuJoe Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 You shouldn't be toying with her knowing her emotions. I'm not toying with her. Toying with her would be flirting in return or acting like I like her in THAT way. I have never, not once, even REMOTELY showed her that I wanted any more than to be friends with her. And I have been a GREAT friend to her. And that is why, after so long, we are still very good friends. She's been married, divorced, and now has a bf in all this time...so it's not like she's been "waiting" for me all this time.
KungFuJoe Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 NO, but you`re supposed to introduce your gf to her. Make a point to have your gf be a priority when the 3 of you are there. My wife and her are VERY close friends now. Hell...we even joke that if we get divorced, we'd have to fight for "custody" of her in court. Hell...my wife SO does not have a jealousy issue that she even jokes, IN FRONT OF HER, that if something ever happened to her, then my friend would have to "fill in for her".
Treasa Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 My wife and her are VERY close friends now. Hell...we even joke that if we get divorced, we'd have to fight for "custody" of her in court. Hell...my wife SO does not have a jealousy issue that she even jokes, IN FRONT OF HER, that if something ever happened to her, then my friend would have to "fill in for her". Your wife is awesome. And the fact that she's not jealous or possessive makes you even more wild about her, I'm guessing. 1
Treasa Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Jealous of the love you could lose. Darling, if you constantly live in fear of what you could "lose", chances are you'll never relax enough to enjoy what you have. If someone leaves you because they find someone else, **** 'em. Their problem, not yours. Be happy with yourself and you'll be ok. Does it hurt? Hell yeah. Can you recover from it? Of course.
KungFuJoe Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Your wife is awesome. And the fact that she's not jealous or possessive makes you even more wild about her, I'm guessing. She is awesome and saying I'm wild about her would be an understatement. But, she CAN get jealous. She's not oblivious to what I do. She's let me have it a few times. One time I bumped into a female friend and after catching up with her for a bit asked for her phone number, in front of my wife (gf at the time) without introducing them. BIG mistake (I was pretty clueless back then). She let me have it right there and then. None of that passive aggressive bull**** where she sulks for a day or two and then bursts out at some random time. 1
Treasa Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 She is awesome and saying I'm wild about her would be an understatement. But, she CAN get jealous. She's not oblivious to what I do. She's let me have it a few times. One time I bumped into a female friend and after catching up with her for a bit asked for her phone number, in front of my wife (gf at the time) without introducing them. BIG mistake (I was pretty clueless back then). She let me have it right there and then. None of that passive aggressive bull**** where she sulks for a day or two and then bursts out at some random time. Yeah, but I mean she didn't get irrationally jealous. You F'd up.
KungFuJoe Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Your "friendship" leaves the door open and gives her the attention that keeps her hope afloat. You might as well have flirted openly with her. OK...you are attempting to read her mind so you need to just STOP. You don't know her...*I* do. Better than most people, in fact. She is not holding out hope that I take her in someday. See...I've had female friends that were like that before. I thought they were my friends but turns out they wanted more and they showed it by avoiding my gf/wife constantly. They didn't engage in conversation with her...focused only on me, etc. Those "friends" didn't last. Because I could sense the ulterior motive. With this friend...there is none of that. None at all. My wife actually considers her one of HER closest friends. When she comes over, she actually spends more time with my wife than me. We're just all very good friends. And that's how we want it to be. 1
KungFuJoe Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Yeah, but I mean she didn't get irrationally jealous. You F'd up. Yeah. I F'd up big time. But I learn fast. I never NOT introduced my gf ever again.
Treasa Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I almost always befriend the SOs of any male friends I have. Often I become better friends with THEM. It's possible to just be cool and friendly to people without having to worry about ulterior motives and whatnot. Have self-respect, know where to draw boundaries, and have fun.
Treasa Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Yeah. I F'd up big time. But I learn fast. I never NOT introduced my gf ever again. Yeah, I've seen your wife. If you ever screw up again, I'll be happy to fill your place with her until you learn better.
Treasa Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 All that means is she is very good at playing you. He's mentioned often that he's very happily married and adores his wife. If he's getting played, that's the most awesome and non-intrusive mind game ever. In fact, it's almost like it doesn't exist. Because it doesn't.
KungFuJoe Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 All that means is she is very good at playing you. Are you dense? Or just trying to get a reaction from me?
sydneysider1978 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I'm an engineer. My work place is 90% men. If didn't have male friends, I'd have no work buddies. Although, after ten years if working I've found a way of interacting that doesn't give off *any* flirty vibes. Oh my gawd, your so clever, can you fix this for me *hair flip" wouldn't do my career much good. I have a fair few male friends out of work too. I think if you meet a new guy, there is always a little period of figuring out whether you both are interested dating wise or friend wise, but once this is resolved, of course the mature, non-attention-seeking men and women can be friends. That being said, there are ways to give out the Right messages. Introduce your boyf to the male friends. I probably wouldn't go for a weekend dinner alone with a male friend. But this would all be part of involving the boyf in my life. To the OP. your boyfriend sounds jealous and unreasonable
Treasa Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 That being said, there are ways to give out the Right messages. Introduce your boyf to the male friends. My best friend is male. I've always gotten him and my boyfriend (at the time) to be friends. It works out well for me, too, if they want to play video games but I don't feel like it at the time.
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