caligirl23 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Please help me. I am not very good at this whole dating thing, having been in long term relationships most of my life. I have a dilemma. The love of my life walked out of it yesterday after a heated discussion about me having male friends and I am not sure what to do or how to proceed. You see, we have been together for 2 years with a 6 month break in between and got back together a few months ago and it was PERFECT. I am 35, he is 38. I have never been happier until yesterday. When we first met, I told him that I had more male friends than female friends and at no time did he ever mention a problem with that until about a year into our relationship. A conversation took place prior to us breaking up the first time about how inappropriate he felt it was for a woman in a serious relationship to spend time one-on-one with a friend of the opposite sex, no matter how long she knew him prior to starting her relationship. I completely disagreed and that, coupled with other factors led to us breaking up. Being that I love this man, we gave it another shot and both of us were so happy we did. I have not had any one-on-one dinners with male friends since he and I have been back together. But, I made mention, innocently, when he was talking about the weather that a male friend of mine who now lives on the east coast here in the US told me that it was very cold. His response was "why do you have a male friend on the east coast?" and then made the comment "I am going to make some new female friends today". I found it all very hurtful because the commend my friend made was very innocent and I am not and have never slept with any of my male friends, so I am not sure where this is coming from in him. I tell him and show him all the time that I love him and we have been very happy otherwise. Some may not agree with this, but I decided to save my relationship and told him that I would not have any alone time with a male friend if it made him that uncomfortable. Unfortunately, he began to tell me how inappropriate he felt it was if I spent time with a male friend when there was a couple with us. I have a married couple as friends and a male friend and we all pal around in the same circle. Last week, I had dinner with the couple and this friend. He has a girlfriend and I have known him for years, so I didn't think anything of it, but my boyfriend sure did. He also began to tell me that social media such as Facebook is weird to him and he cannot relate to it, as people on a facebook page are not always close friends and he feels that contact with them can cause problems in a relationship. This view is all very foreign to me as I am a very friendly and outgoing person. I have never cheated on my man, never would, and just cannot do enough to reassure him that I am not doing anything wrong. We could not see eye to eye on this and I started to get this bad feeling that he was trying to control me or something. Maybe I was way off, but it just didn't feel right and I told him how uncomfortable he was making me. He then said "If I make you this uncomfortable, then maybe you shouldnt be with me" and in the heat of the moment, I said "I don't want to be!". As quickly as the words came out, I regretted them because I didn't mean them. He hung up on me, won't take my calls, and sent me a text telling me to stop trying to contact him and that he will no longer respond to anything I send him. What the heck happened here? Is it so wrong that I have friends? My man swears he is not insecure or jealous, but that it is me in the wrong here. Just a background..I was in an abusive relationship as a youngster where my man started telling me that he didn't like me having male friends. Then, he didn't like certain female friends or me having a certain job or wearing certain shirts, etc. All hell broke loose thereafter and he became physically abusive. My current man knows all of this, yet when I tried to explain to him that he is acting just like my ex did before he started making unreasonable demands and that is why I feel uncomfortable and made to feel like I am doing something wrong. He just didn't get it and now he is gone. Could someone please tell me if I am in the wrong here or perhaps give me some perspective? I would greatly appreciate it. I feel embarrassed at my age to even have to ask.
chex Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Wow, sounds like he's getting really possessive, and he's really insecure and doesn't feel like he can keep your attention. Maybe he has a few deep seated confidence issues?
TheZebra Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Read your own post... he sounds insane TBH. There's nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. I hate it when people assume you're going to go out and screw someone just because you're friends with them. Talk about crazy. If a guy ever told me I couldn't see my male friends, the guy would be the one leaving. It's possessive, obsessive, and insecure behavior. 1
tbf Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 May 29, 2012 (dumped after one month relationship) I am 32, he is 28. Sept. 29, 2012 At 33 years old, I have been in many relationships, some ending badly, others just ending. I have not been in a serious relationship in 3 years and have grown tired of meeting people and things not working out. Today You see, we have been together for 2 years with a 6 month break in between and got back together a few months ago and it was PERFECT. I am 35, he is 38. caligirl, why don't any of your ages or relationships align? 2
BOSSHOGG5 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Just something to think about. Sometimes those male friends are just lying in wait for the opprotunity of weakness. Males will tell a lie about his date with a woman even if he was her friend. This gets back to the boyfriend or husband and now you have a problem. This happens all the time. No man wants to be made a fool of by another man. Women do take this as being controlling, or insecure. This is when you need to go and see a professional to discuss this. Trying to work that scenario out amongst yourselves will not work. You do not want to be controlling, but she is believing you are controlling. 1
Geiss Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Go to youtube and watch the video called Why Men and Women can't be friends. I will put the link here but not sure if it will work. I'll try, if not just type it in. It's the first video that shows up. You will find it interesting where most women say yes they can be friends and most men say no they can't be friends. 1
rocketman122 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 yes, its not possible to be "just friends" with women. I also will not have any contact with other women when im in a relationship. it also works the other way around, btw. women say yes you can be "just friends" but secretly think/fantasize about their friend if he's good looking.
CptSaveAho Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 LOL of course every girl says its ok to have "MALE" friends but if roles were reversed and the guy had more FEMALE friends then male friends, the woman would be pissed off and constantly jealous.... Sorry ladies, you don't get this double standard.
rocketman122 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 LOL of course every girl says its ok to have "MALE" friends but if roles were reversed and the guy had more FEMALE friends then male friends, the woman would be pissed off and constantly jealous.... Sorry ladies, you don't get this double standard. exactly! if I had female friends my GF would go crazy from jealousy. I also would not allow her to have male friends. it simply stresses the relationship too much.
pbjbear Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I dont think its wrong to have male friends. I am a really honest and direct person and tend to get along better with males. My 4 very closest friends are females similar to me and who arent really catty at all but the rest of my good friends are mostly male It would depend on the personality and attitude of my date if him having a ton of female friends would be a dealbreaker. I dont see a double standard at all. I know many males that have tons of female friends and their girlfriends dont care However, it just depends... Some guys with all female friends are very flirty and kinda girl crazy, and use the females around them as an ego boost...guys like this are unattractive to me. Flirtacious people dont turn me off because I am insecure, they turn me off because most often theyre kinda selfish for me and lack self control, have poor boundaries and low levels of respect for their S.O Some guys have more feminine traits than normal and tend to get along better with females, so thus, most of their friends are female...this doesnt bother me as long as this guy is respectful and understands boundaries. My 2 closest guy friends and my brother fall into this category
pbjbear Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 There is only one reason women will have a harem of male friends they say they will never have sex with and that's to play the sexual tension/attention game. First problem with that game is it's an emotional affair. Second problem is it can easily turn physical. Men do the same thing
pbjbear Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 The only guys like that I know are gay but they aren't playing any games. Some women are hoping the gay will go away or it is an oh so clever ruse to sleep with them. There are threads on this site where guys reply to say a guy only befriends a woman hes attracted to and eventually hopes to have sex with. I know for a fact that several of my male friends harbor feelings for me and if I wanted sex from them I could easily get it. Some of them became friends with me in the beginning in hopes of eventually dating me. In college I constantly kept losing male friends- they would befriend me, make a move after several months, Id shoot them down and friendzone them, they gradually faded out of my life since they werent going to get what they wanted... Youre a guy so I get why you dont look at it from the other side but youre wrong
carhill Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 OP, when was the last time this male friend and his girlfriend had dinner with you and your now ex-BF at your house? How did that go? Who initiated the 'six month break'?
pbjbear Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Ehhh I know guys that do that as well but Im not friends with any of them because egotistical guys just get on my nerves too much. OP, I would speak with her about boundaries. If shes not receptive to it and is defensive, perhaps youre not compatible. But personally, I have several male friends that I view platonically only. I dont use them for sexual tension, an ego boost, attention or whatever. My oldest friend is a guy Ive known since I was 5 years old...
HitMeNow Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I can see both points of views. His and yours. Honestly, there are many many ways of being a couple out there. You can be swingers, in an open relationship, poly amorous, normal outgoing couple, normal reserved couple, etc, etc. From his point of view he is investing in you more than you are on him, since he wants you guys to be a normal reserved couple. You want you guys to be more outgoing. Spending time 1on1 with members of the opposite sex would be a big NONO for me if I was in a relationship. And the fact that you can't see that suggests that you are in a different place than this guy, or just not "in love" with him that much. Honestly, if you want this relationship to work on the long run. If you do believe that he is the one, then you should spend less time with your social circle and more with him. Think about your parents (or the usual married couple). Do they have "close friends" that they hang out with?.....
veggirl Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 There are threads on this site where guys reply to say a guy only befriends a woman hes attracted to and eventually hopes to have sex with. I know for a fact that several of my male friends harbor feelings for me and if I wanted sex from them I could easily get it. Some of them became friends with me in the beginning in hopes of eventually dating me. In college I constantly kept losing male friends- they would befriend me, make a move after several months, Id shoot them down and friendzone them, they gradually faded out of my life since they werent going to get what they wanted... Youre a guy so I get why you dont look at it from the other side but youre wrong Why do you want to be friends with guys you know harbor sexual feelings for you? That sounds awkward as hell. Not to mention they prob only spend time with you in hopes you change your mind and screw them. So that's not very flattering or friendly.
pbjbear Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Why do you want to be friends with guys you know harbor sexual feelings for you? That sounds awkward as hell. Not to mention they prob only spend time with you in hopes you change your mind and screw them. So that's not very flattering or friendly. I think alot of them grew to like me over time. No, they dont spend time with me so Ill screw them. I didnt mean it that way, more like, hey Im friends with this girl and I like her but she doesnt like me that way, but if she offered sex to me I wouldnt say no. I cant talk bad about them. I once started liking a male friend after a few months and he didnt feel the same and I continued to be friends with him. Why not? If you can handle the rejection theres nothing wrong with it, good friends in NYC are hard to come by...
KungFuJoe Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 If you're concerned about your partner spending ALONE time with a friend of the opposite sex, one or both of the following is true. BTW...this is INDISPUTABLE: - You have jealousy (and most likely self esteem) issues - You don't trust your partner
carhill Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 The only "close friends" a couple has are other couples. She isn't ready for couplehood. The OP wrote: Last week, I had dinner with the couple and this friend. He has a girlfriend and I have known him for years, so I didn't think anything of it, but my boyfriend sure did. So, it appears this male friend, whom she's known for years, is part of a couple. Perhaps the OP can clarify that part.
carhill Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 OP, followup question: How do you get along with your male friend's girlfriend?
carhill Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Yes, but that dynamic is your assertion and not revealed by the OP. Hence further questions are warranted to clarify that dynamic or discount it.
KungFuJoe Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Love is jealous. Where there is smoke there is fire. Enough of a reason to be wary. I'm not sure what you mean by love is jealous. Maybe I should rephrase what I said. I'm just saying that if you feel a NEED to limit your partner's interactions with the opposite sex in ANY way, you are overly jealous or you don't trust your partner. 1
Bristolius Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 When a man says, "men and women can't be friends" I translate that to,"Men can't control themselves and shouldn't be expected to." When a woman says it, I hear,"men only want one thing." The best refutation of this idea is the fact that there are countless examples of men and women being friends without one of them being hurt or the relationship burning up with drama. 1
rocketman122 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I'm not sure what you mean by love is jealous. Maybe I should rephrase what I said. I'm just saying that if you feel a NEED to limit your partner's interactions with the opposite sex in ANY way, you are overly jealous or you don't trust your partner. I dont care what the reason is. it makes no difference. I dont want my GF talking with men regularly and I know my GF doesnt want me talking to other females as well and Im happy to oblige. if anything, im the one who has much more offers from women and I know it bothers her very much. its respect for your partner. I cut off contact with a girl friend because I didnt want to make it awkward for my GF. sometimes things happen when you least expect it. like oxykitten said. youre playing with fire. many men would not control themselves from temptation if a girl wanted something more than friendship. the majority would jump on the opportunity. I think most men who stay friends with women stay because theyre like vultures waiting for anything she might give out. many do have complete friend/friend relationships but many stay waiting to make it more than friends. waiting for an opportunity. I myself have high values and dont want to play with peoples emotions and give them false hope. 1
Recommended Posts