BecomingABetterMe Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 This fall, I started dating an awesome guy. He's survived cancer, played college football, become a wonderfully caring middle school teacher and coach, is an incredibly loyal friend, etc. We've both got a very clear idea of what we're looking for in a relationship and knew pretty quickly that there's potential for something great in each other. We went to high school together ten years ago and just reconnected. In the meantime, I was engaged to my college sweetheart and he married his college sweetheart. That's where things get tough. He discovered that his wife had been cheating in 2011. She moved out of the house he owns in January 2012 and they divorced in September. I have never dated someone who's been divorced. I don't have a ton of dating experience due to being with my fiance for such a long time, and he'd never dated anyone else. The only other boyfriend I've had was a pretty bad experience involving a guy who was more or less addicted to love/sex and had complex, dysfunctional relationships with the girls he'd been with in the past. Despite the fact that his wife was the one that cheated on him, my boyfriend's ex has kept herself involved. She showed up unannounced at his house while I was sleeping to collect the last of her things (he was gone at the time). I woke up, got in the shower, and she apparently knocked on the door and tried to talk to me. I didn't hear her at the door, but later that morning she wrote me a rather weird Facebook message "apologizing" for disturbing me and texted my boyfriend saying that I'd done the "walk of shame" to the shower. I erased the Facebook message and blocked her. She's asked him a couple times if she could meet me, and he's let her know that I have no interest in talking to her. They've wrapped up the last of the loose ends of the marriage, and I'm left wondering if I can handle all of this. He is an incredibly sweet, confident guy who's come away from the divorce as okay as he could possibly be. She treated him horribly and was spoiled, childish, and widely disliked by his friends and family. He talks about her a little too much (I've asked him to do that a little less with me) and there are times I feel a little sorry for her. They started dating when she was 19 and he proposed after eight months of dating. Unbeknownst to him, she cheated a few months into their engagement, came back a totally different person, and continued to cheat with a couple different guys throughout their marriage. She never lived on her own, learned to manage money, or was able to take care of herself. She was very unhappy in the marriage and he tried as hard as he could to work to provide the kind of lifestyle she'd grown up with in order to make her happy. It sounds like she couldn't handle real life and sought attention and comfort outside of the marriage. He's been very romantic and attentive with me. After a few dates, he told me that he would marry me someday. He's even looked at rings. I love him very much, but due to my past experience I'd prefer to take things a little slower. I told him this and things seem to have changed a little between us. He was pretty disappointed. I just don't to go down the same path that he and his wife traversed. I don't want to be swept off my feet; I want love that grows deeply and slowly. There's also a part of me that wants to hear her side of the story and questions whether she really was just nuts and that it was all her fault. For those who have dated after divorce, are there any words of wisdom you can share with me?
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I can say that after being married, you get caught up into people pretty quickly, mostly because the idea of marriage [for those who liked being married, just not the person they were married too] is wanted again. The only thing that I would have a real issue with is their communication level. He coming over unannounced? Not acceptable and he needs to nip that in the bud. When it comes to him talking about her a lot, I know it is hard but she for a time was his everything, and because of that, it takes time in order to adjust to telling stories of things you did with that other person or how you were when with them, into stories of individuality. It has been something I have had to actively work on, but I doubt he does it on purpose. It is an act of habit. It really shouldn't be much different from any other relationship though.
Author BecomingABetterMe Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 Thanks. I'm trying to be patient through all of this. Thankfully he changed the locks after she burst in on me. They don't really talk anymore since there's nothing else to settle. I try not to think about her. If I do, I get to hating her so much for what she did, for hurting him. I'm looking forward to time healing the wounds. I think he's worth the wait.
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