green_light Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 So... first time posting here. I'm in a bit of a pickle. There is a man at work, 14 years my senior, who is an exceptional catch. He's intelligent, kind, has a GREAT sense of humor, is easy to talk to (I find myself telling him things that I haven't told anyone else), and is gorgeous to boot. Anyway, I've crushed on him for months now. We flirt and banter back and forth via text, but are very professional towards one another in person. We work close together, but in different departments. We talk/text all the time and have become good friends. About a month ago, I wore a knockout (but work-appropriate) dress to the office, because I had a dinner date right after work. Anyway, he sent me some very flattering texts and was flirty-er than usual. After work, he sent me a text asking me that if I wasn't dating my boyfriend, if he would have a chance with me. I replied yes. Now's a good time to mention, my boyfriend and I have an open, long distance relationship. I see my boyfriend as a terrific friend, but as little more than that. In fact, I've been debating breaking up with him for the past year now, but I can't bring myself to do so (things ranging from not wanting things to change, that I don't want to hurt him, to not wanting to disappoint my folks, who adore my bf). Anyway, we spoke at work and... long story short I told him that I am in an open relationship, but have no intention of leaving my bf. If he still wanted to pursue something, it would be purely physical and if at anytime he or I didn't want to continue that we would remain friends. He told me that he's done similar things before and was able to remain friends with the women, so it wasn't out of the realm of possibility. The sex is amazing and exciting. I have never felt more alive. He is an exceptional lover. More than that though... is that because he's a friend, and confidante. I got a text from him telling me that he wanted to know if I was comfortable being serious with him. I asked him what he meant. Apparently, he's thought of us being together as partners down the road. Part of me is upset, because it kind of breaks the deal that I thought we had, the other part, knows that I've had those same thoughts and that the other part of me is a complete hypocrite. I guess what I'm asking LS for is advice for this messy thing that is my life. He's older than me. He's a coworker. I'm still with my boyfriend.
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Dump your boyfriend, because it sounds to me like YOU are in an open relationship while he is not. What is the point anyways? As for the work thing, I am always against work situations, and it is the same with this one. While I get it [i have had my own experience] it is a hard path to navigate. Time for a pros and cons list. 2
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Problem with open relationships. Sometimes you screw a Clinger. Tell him again you are..er...in an open relationship, want your Ldr Guy, that this wasn't meant for exclusivity. Just for fun, that is what you two agreed on...
ChessPieceFace Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 If you're looking for reassurance that you can keep stringing your LD BF along while you bang the guy you really want, you certainly won't get it from me. 2
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Dump your boyfriend, because it sounds to me like YOU are in an open relationship while he is not. What is the point anyways? As for the work thing, I am always against work situations, and it is the same with this one. While I get it [i have had my own experience] it is a hard path to navigate. Time for a pros and cons list. I agree. I probably shouldn't give any further advice; I detest ORs...just a cop out to me to go screw around. Your advice is spot on though. 1
Green Light Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 My, my name! You stole my name! :-( And your situation is wrong on sooooo many levels. 3
Author green_light Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 I know the bf has taken advantage of the open relationship deal, so it's not exactly one-sided. It is definitely an excuse, though. We never really clicked in the bedroom. Actually, that's just another excuse. @ ChessPieceFace, you were brutally honest and I think that's just what I needed. I'm going to end it. @ Green Light, I'm sorry I took your name:/
Green Light Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 The boyfriend. Or you could always just tell the boyfriend that you are having sex with this guy and see what he says. Maybe he wouldn't have a problem with it. Do you really want a relationship with this co-worker?
ChessPieceFace Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Yeah, don't take my advice as the law. I don't believe in open relationships so already my advice won't be 100% in line with your views. I don't see a problem with simply asking the BF and being completely honest about everything. Whether or not open relationships are generally a good or healthy idea doesn't necessarily mean they can never work... but I think honesty would have to be a requirement. It's no longer "stringing along" if you're honest about all of your feelings and he still wants to be a part of it, and feelings can change.
Green Light Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Yeah, don't take my advice as the law. I don't believe in open relationships so already my advice won't be 100% in line with your views. I don't see a problem with simply asking the BF and being completely honest about everything. Whether or not open relationships are generally a good or healthy idea doesn't necessarily mean they can never work... but I think honesty would have to be a requirement. It's no longer "stringing along" if you're honest about all of your feelings and he still wants to be a part of it, and feelings can change. I don't think that open relationships can last either but these days I'm much less of a purist and I feel that even most normal relationships won't last anyway. If the OP is upfront with the bf then the whole thing is not so much of a hot mess but just a thing they do.
ms_daisy21 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Or you could always just tell the boyfriend that you are having sex with this guy and see what he says. Maybe he wouldn't have a problem with it. Do you really want a relationship with this co-worker? He already knows. He doesn't care. Before I started things up with the guy at work I talking to the bf again to make sure he was okay with our arrangement. I don't want a relationship with the coworker... I just want to have fun for a while... see where things go. I'm torn with the boyfriend. I think I'm mostly staying with him because we're such good friends and I'm a coward. I don't feel romantically inclined towards him at all anymore.
Green Light Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 (edited) He already knows. He doesn't care. Before I started things up with the guy at work I talking to the bf again to make sure he was okay with our arrangement. I don't want a relationship with the coworker... I just want to have fun for a while... see where things go. I'm torn with the boyfriend. I think I'm mostly staying with him because we're such good friends and I'm a coward. I don't feel romantically inclined towards him at all anymore. I don't see where the problem is here then. The bf knows. You (think) you know that you don't want a relationship with the bf anymore and you just want some fun with the co-worker. Seems pretty simple to me. Break up with the bf if you TRULY don't have feelings for him anymore and then have fun with the co-worker until that "peters" out. It seems the real problem is that you don't TRULY know how you feel about the bf. And could you be using the co-worker to try and figure that out? Edited January 27, 2013 by Green Light
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