Ahni Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I have already posted my story about but it was really long, and perhaps if I shorten it, I'll get some advice... I met a guy while on vacation, he is from the UK and Im from the U.S., he fell for me, and wanted to come visit me. So after coming home on vacation he came and visited me for a couple weeks. He was head over heals, and soon after, I was too. We excitedly planned how we were going to spend more time together But how? Me go to the UK, or he come here? I was just graduating from college (went later on in life) and he begged me to come to England where he was financially stable, and could support me there. I was very reluctant because I had never depended on anyone, and was uncomfortable with the idea that this man I just met would support me..but I believed that he meant what he said, and that I shouldn't worry. We had grand plans to have the perfect relationship, we were going to be loving, open and available to each other. We talked about taking a road trip across Europe and were just so excited that we had met each other. So, I quit my job, got rid of my apartment and put everything in storage..2 months after meeting this amazing guy I was on a plane to England to have the time of my life. When I got there, it wasn't the same. He started being abusive, looking for fights, drinking and getting verbally abusive...I was shocked, and tried to keep my end of the deal; to be open loving, and available..Well, it escalated even more, and I left the country. He begged that he would change, and the cycle of him begging and pleading for forgiveness and that he would change began. Within months 2 months I saw the abuse...and I felt that all he needed was to see that he could trust me. Well he put himself into anger management and also started seeing a therapist. He was trying hard to heal is anger (which I realized was a result of an abusive childhood) I see a huge change, but so much anger had been released on me that I have now become resentful and angry. He's in England now, and he is still going to therapy, but Im having a hard time being open and available to him. He still uses money against me, since I could not support myself while I was there, despite him promising it would never be thrown in my face. All the abuse and money issues is causing me to be resentful. There were lies about small things, that set my healing back, and I just dont know what to do. I am such an honest person, and am open about everything, and he hid small things, and felt like he couldnt be honest about little things.. He says that I'm 'it' and that he will do anything to make it work. I see him doing everything in his power to heal, and be healthy, but he still sometimes unloads, verbally on me about dumb things like facebook..it just scares me that if I commit to him fully that this will be a life-long issue. Also, I have gotten so resentful that I too am guilty of 'unloading my frustration' in a waterfall of frustrated words...and I know it makes him anxious, and he says its abuse..We both are hurt, since he has been trying so hard, and I am not very responsive to it, and Im hurt that I was the receiver of his abuse. I love him, and I want to make it work, but Im afraid. I keep asking for time to heal, and he keeps wanting to further our lives together, and move here.. I see so much progression, so much healing, and so much compassion and understanding from him...but with these fights about little things, and my resentment..I just dont know a healthy relationship is possible. I love him, but I just dont know what do to.. Do i let go? Or keep working towards healing with him?
Downtown Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I have already posted my story about but it was really long, and perhaps if I shorten it, I'll get some advice...Actually, I much prefer the longer version in your other thread. It provides a wonderful amount of detail so we don't have to ask you twenty questions to drag the important details out of you. Thanks for taking time to write such a thoughtful and articulate initial post. I therefore have responded in your other thread.
stevie_23 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Well, I haven't read the other more detailed thread, but my 2 cents are... - You are fine to give him a chance if you're willing to risk unhappiness and further hurt, even IF it does eventually end up well. It'll no doubt be a bumpy road, and he most likely won't be perfect to you for a while, if he ever is at all ("perfect" meaning that he won't abuse you ever again). - Some people use the phrase "I'm trying" (to fix their problems) as justification and a cover for continuing to treat people badly. - You said he seems to really be improving, which is great, BUT you also said before you met in person, he was amazing. The first time you met in person, he was amazing. But then the next time, when you went over to the UK, it all changed. So NOW that he is going good again, is it long distance? Maybe he finds it easier to be "better" when it's NOT in person because it's easier. - Basically, just be aware of what you're getting into here. It may turn out ok, but it could be a hard road ahead. Or it may end very, very badly.
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