Slipstream123 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 hi, this seems like a great forum. i dont usually post online but i think i'll at least get some considered responses here (hope so anyway) i have something of a dilemma. i had a first date the other night with a woman i met online. we had a nice evening and got on well and have arranged a second date. the problem (if it is a problem) is that I didn't really disclose very much at all about my personal history or family life, whereas she did speak quite a lot about her past. I never actually do go on too much about myself on a first date as I don't thinks its obligatory to do so. Obviously i talk about likes / dislikes etc. etc. but jsut not the heavy stuff. But becasue she was so open I feel a little bad about my reticence. My situaiton is that I separated from my wife about a year ago and have a daughter (4yrs) who i have shared custody of. I'm 39. The dating site that i used didn't actually offer the opportunity to state whether I had kids, or even whether I was separated / divorced etc. but neither did i mention it in my profile. for some reason I feel like i've made a mistake not to talk about this up front and have a feeling that it might be an issue. She is my age and doesn't have any kids of her own, although i know that she does like kids and has neices and nephews. I feel like it will look like i've deliberately not mentioned my ex or my daugher in order to seem more attractive (or something) which isn't the case at all. I suppose I was just keeping it low key. I really want to call her or text her before we meet again and clear this up as like her alot. BUT that just seems mental and WAY over the top. Especailly as I don't really know how serious things will get between us. SO, keep quiet and see how it goes over the next few dates or let her know before we meet again. Am I making too much pf this??? Hahaha. thanks:o
KungFuJoe Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Disclose whatever you are comfortable disclosing. No more and no less.
Author Slipstream123 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 you're a quick reader mate, impressive
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 The fact that you are still LEGALLY married and have a child are pretty big things.... They never came up at all?!?! Let her know those asap.
candie13 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 The fact that you are still LEGALLY married and have a child are pretty big things.... I agree to the above. I understand your keeping these details private for now, but the implication of your situation are really big so, yes, she should be aware of them, before you continue to see her any further. I wouldn't talk about these big things over the phone or text, face to face is more appropriate. 1
silvermercy Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 For me that would be quite a big issue not knowing that. Even if you had revealed nothing else this is one of the most important things I would need to know. I think you need to make this clear the next time you talk to her.
soccerrprp Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Oh heck yeah! How could the fact that you are still legally married and you have children not have come up prior to or during the first date???? These are HUGE and will determine how and if the relationship continues. Oh, sorry you said it was in your profile. Still, definitely reiterate those facts so that it is clear.
StanMusial Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Having a kid and being in separated status are not some kind of deep dark family secret. Those items are a huge part of who you are and should be disclosed up front. Otherwise it looks like you're hiding it. I have been on the other side of the equation... I once went out with a girl three times before she mentioned she had a kid... had she mentioned it sooner we wouldn't have gotten that far most likely. Just a warning.
Author Slipstream123 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 that's quite conclusive then:eek: clearly a total balls up on my part, sh*t. at the time it didn't seem appropriate, for some reason. the conversation was quite lively but never really went too deep. i did find this odd, as most women i've dated the past few months have interrogated me like a stasi officer and squeezed as much detail out of me as the possibly could. which i admired in an odd way. i suppose it was a refreshing change not to go down that road. thanks anyway. useful posts.
neveragain34 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Oh heck yeah! How could the fact that you are still legally married and you have children not have come up prior to or during the first date???? These are HUGE and will determine how and if the relationship continues. Oh, sorry you said it was in your profile. Still, definitely reiterate those facts so that it is clear. He said he did not put it in his profile. By not telling her on first date or even BEFORE then, you have now made it an issue. She is going to think you have something to hide regarding your ex. If I were you, I wouldn't even be dating until you are legally divorced. There's no telling what can happen between now and then. Many couples reconcile right as the divorce is about to happen and this wouldn't be fair to any woman you become involved with if that happens.
soccerrprp Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 He said he did not put it in his profile. By not telling her on first date or even BEFORE then, you have now made it an issue. She is going to think you have something to hide regarding your ex. If I were you, I wouldn't even be dating until you are legally divorced. There's no telling what can happen between now and then. Many couples reconcile right as the divorce is about to happen and this wouldn't be fair to any woman you become involved with if that happens. Oh heck yeah X2! Many or perhaps most won't even date someone who is only separated. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 I dated when I was legally separated after the divorce paperwork had already gone through. I was always open about it though and feel one should be.
Art_Critic Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Slipstream, recovery is always possible.. just tell her about it but don't make it look like it is a bad thing and you were trying to hide it. It's only one date in, the expectations are varied for everyone, including yourself. Time to have a talk with her and let her in on some things...
Author Slipstream123 Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 I'd just like to say that I am absolutely not in any way shy of discussing or admitting to my circumstances or history, but clearly I felt that it was acceptable not to reveal my situation to complete strangers, who may well remain complete strangers. I hold to that somewhat as I don't want to be defined as an ex-husband, father etc. as important as these things are. I can understand why many would not agree with this, and would urge complete honesty, and I may now be coming around to that point of view. Mybe its the impersonal nature of the web that encourages such a lack of disclosure, and by extension, out right dishonesty. Maybe its just a lack self awareness or empathy. In this particular scenario it seems that reality has hit me squarely on the nose as the very actual and real fact of someone else's feelings is at stake. I've never witheld this informaiton before, and I'm not certain why i did this time around. I'm really not! I'm also quite alarmed now what her reaction will be. Which I suppose is a reasonable comeuppance. BTW I don't agree that you shouldn't date if you're not divorced. That seems very draconian and prescriptive and not particularly realistic. But then again, maybe i'm underestimating the import of this on the other party. jeez..
soccerrprp Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Hey Slipstream123, I don't mean to sound all negative. I apologize. Make certain that she is aware of your status, children. I truly believe in sharing as much IMPORTANT stuff as possible early on in a relationship. It just doesn't make sense to keep information that will certainly make or break a relationship off limits. None of her/his business we like to rationalize, but IT IS his/her business if you want the relationship. Good luck.
KungFuJoe Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Not sure why, but my follow up post/reply got deleted. I was being sarcastic (and doing a horrible job of it) in my first post. By all means you should always disclose marital status and children right off the bat.
Author Slipstream123 Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 that's fine Soccerrppr thansk for your message i agree with you. no need to apologis/ze
FitChick Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I'm curious. You met through a dating site. Exactly what dating site was it? No opportunity to state marital status? No opportunity to say if you have kids? I was just about to ask that myself. I've been on a lot of dating websites over the years and they ALL have marital status and children options. I never date separated men or men divorced less than two years.
todreaminblue Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 that's quite conclusive then:eek: clearly a total balls up on my part, sh*t. at the time it didn't seem appropriate, for some reason. the conversation was quite lively but never really went too deep. i did find this odd, as most women i've dated the past few months have interrogated me like a stasi officer and squeezed as much detail out of me as the possibly could. which i admired in an odd way. i suppose it was a refreshing change not to go down that road. thanks anyway. useful posts. i dont think you have ballsed up at all,if she didnt like kids then you might have a problem but it is something that should be discussed face to face...too awkward to text or voice call i feel...dont leave it too long before you tell her.....good luck....deb
Fondue Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 While I don't have a marriage/kid situation like you, but I will post anyway. If I'm on a date and a woman asks me something that I don't want want to tell her about, I will literally say, "that part of my life is private and I will not be sharing this with you." Surprisngly, many women take this in a very positive way. They are happy to hear it, they often tell me that they respect my response and actually smile after that, too. I end up telling most women that I am quite a private person, especially when it comes to discussing my personal life. Most people don't mind .
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