fortyninethousand322 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Carry over from another thread. You never had a relationship and probably barely know what women consider a great boyfriend. So you can't say you know you'd make a great bf, sorry. What makes a "great boyfriend"? I assume there are probably two ideas on this (perhaps I'm wrong though). One is that all you need to be a great boyfriend is to care about the girl, be a genuinely good guy (not to be confused with "nice guy"), everything else should take care of itself. The other idea is that being a good boyfriend is something you learn over time, through experience and interactions. Part of this is you learn how to interact with someone, you learn about sex and intimacy and how to share your life, etc. Am I missing anything? What do you think makes a "great boyfriend"? Is it something you have to learn or is it something you can be from the get go? Maybe a combination of both? 1
KungFuJoe Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 For starters...don't worry about being a good "boyfriend". Just be a good MAN. The rest will sort itself out. 5
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Such a ridiculous question... So many women will think MANY different things. There are the essentials that we look for in PEOPLE in general, those are a good start, as for what actually makes a great boyfriend? It is an impossible thing to teach oneself. Every person and relationship is different. You live you learn and somethings come naturally while others you have to actively work on.
Fondue Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 This is going to sound weird, but I will say it anyway. Nothing and everything. Honestly. Many women don't even know what makes a good bf. Think of every woman you know whom has ever had a relationship. Whenever their relationship died, they awlays say, "OMG HE WAS SUCH AN *******" and have a list of reasons why their man was terrible. Meanwhile during the relationship, they were in such love, or whatever. You can be the best boyfriend on the planet, but as soon as you break up with her, you become the biggest ******* and the worst creature in the universe. How many women honestly break up with a man and think, "damn, he was awesome, perfect really." Very few women would admit to this. The ones that do are awesome, but very few there are. If it doesn't lead to eternal love and happiness, then all the men they dated were eventually terrible. That is how so many people view one another, men and women included. You know what I mean? 1
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 Such a ridiculous question... I think it's a subjective one. Like "what makes great art" or "great music". People will have different answers, I'd like to read them. You might think that's ridiculous, but I'm an inquisitive guy and I like hearing people's opinions. 1
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 For starters...don't worry about being a good "boyfriend". Just be a good MAN. The rest will sort itself out. This is intellectual curiosity, nothing more. I don't have the luxury of worrying about whether I'd be a good boyfriend at this point in my life, so this thread isn't about the practical, rather the hypothetical.
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 A great boyfriend is someone you can get along with and not want to murder on a daily basis. Not to mention make out like crazy with. Sex is a plus!
ChessPieceFace Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Think of every woman you know whom has ever had a relationship. Whenever their relationship died, they awlays say, "OMG HE WAS SUCH AN *******" and have a list of reasons why their man was terrible. Meanwhile during the relationship, they were in such love, or whatever. This. Also, if you want to judge a woman's character, listen to what she says about her ex's. Another way is how she treats pets. If you can find a woman who doesn't say a great deal of bad things about her ex's, and is responsible with and loving toward her pets, you may have hit gold. Just a theory (but one I strongly believe in.)
ThaWholigan Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Well I've never been a boyfriend, but my guess is that this will vary from woman to woman as to what a great boyfriend is. To me, there are base qualities that make for a great boyfriend, and I am just thinking out loud: - Emotional Intelligence: Being able to intuitively understand her as an individual woman, how she feels and why she does, instinctively knowing how to make her happy with relative ease. - Strength: I don't mean physical strength, but strength of character. Being proud of who one is and having personal boundaries and a code. This is attractive to women, especially if she shares her code. She will see you as someone who will stick around. Every now and then, it's not a bad idea to make yourself a little vulnerable occasionally - this can be extremely beneficial if you can do this right. - Sexual security: Be comfortable with your sexuality and being sexual with her. Let her know you are a sexual person and don't be afraid to let loose. Saying that, it's also very important to take care of her sexual needs also, this comes under emotional intelligence too - knowing instinctively what she wants and being able to fulfill it with no problems. That's all I have right now really, but this is basic to me. Anything else is more to do with the individual and what they want out of a relationship. 3
mortensorchid Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 What makes a good boyfriend/MAN are the following things when we talk about dating: 1) Don't bring up the past. We are living in the now and that's what matters. Don't say that (name) hurt you in the past and now you're hurt because of it, etc. 2) Don't whine about commitment. You don't really know a person at all, so why would you automatically assume that this woman you are seeing will someday talk about weddings and whatnot. You can start thinking about these things about a year and a half / two years into it. In the meantime, enjoy each other's company and have a good time together. 3) Don't screw it up by blaming the other person. 4) No ultimatums. Don't say to the person something like loose weight or quit smoking and I'll take you on vacation. That is conditional love and not real love. Besides, if and when the person does do just what you demanded (loose weight, quit smoking, etc.), then you have to pay up. 5) Be true to your word. If you say you will be there at a certain time, be there at that time. If you have put some kind of ultimatum like this onto someone, follow through. If you say that you don't want to do something, then stand by it and don't throw a tantrum if you don't get your way.
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 I actually have had some great boyfriends, I also have had a ****ty one and a ****ty husband. The boyfriend was ****ty because he dumped me for no reason... and the husband was just ****ty in general. No one likes to share the bad **** in a relationship, that is why you usually don't hear about it until it's over.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 So is it possible for someone to think or know that they'd be a good boyfriend (or I suppose girlfriend) if they've never actually had a relationship before? Or is that kind of thought wishful thinking?
StanMusial Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 So is it possible for someone to think or know that they'd be a good boyfriend (or I suppose girlfriend) if they've never actually had a relationship before? Or is that kind of thought wishful thinking? It's possible. I know several guys that married the first girl that gave them sex. They're still married 10 years on and going strong. That's more than you can say for a lot of people. I guess they appreciate it more. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 So is it possible for someone to think or know that they'd be a good boyfriend (or I suppose girlfriend) if they've never actually had a relationship before? Or is that kind of thought wishful thinking? Yes. If you have the basics down. That doesn't mean you are ALWAYS going to be a good boyfriend/girlfriend. It just means overall you know you have genuine and good qualities.
MrCastle Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Well I've never been a boyfriend, but my guess is that this will vary from woman to woman as to what a great boyfriend is. To me, there are base qualities that make for a great boyfriend, and I am just thinking out loud: - Emotional Intelligence: Being able to intuitively understand her as an individual woman, how she feels and why she does, instinctively knowing how to make her happy with relative ease. - Strength: I don't mean physical strength, but strength of character. Being proud of who one is and having personal boundaries and a code. This is attractive to women, especially if she shares her code. She will see you as someone who will stick around. Every now and then, it's not a bad idea to make yourself a little vulnerable occasionally - this can be extremely beneficial if you can do this right. - Sexual security: Be comfortable with your sexuality and being sexual with her. Let her know you are a sexual person and don't be afraid to let loose. Saying that, it's also very important to take care of her sexual needs also, this comes under emotional intelligence too - knowing instinctively what she wants and being able to fulfill it with no problems. That's all I have right now really, but this is basic to me. Anything else is more to do with the individual and what they want out of a relationship. Pretty much this. Sometimes I hate when you get to a thread before because I'm left with nothing to add. Although I will add this -- the post above further proves experience means little to nothing in certain areas in life. I think brains conquer most of life's problems. You could have had 10 past girlfriends and messed up all of them because you're a crappy person. Or you could have 0 girlfriends and understand relationship dynamics better than the person with all those previous experiences.
TheFinalWord Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 This is going to sound weird, but I will say it anyway. Nothing and everything. Honestly. Many women don't even know what makes a good bf. Think of every woman you know whom has ever had a relationship. Whenever their relationship died, they awlays say, "OMG HE WAS SUCH AN *******" and have a list of reasons why their man was terrible. Meanwhile during the relationship, they were in such love, or whatever. You can be the best boyfriend on the planet, but as soon as you break up with her, you become the biggest ******* and the worst creature in the universe. How many women honestly break up with a man and think, "damn, he was awesome, perfect really." Very few women would admit to this. The ones that do are awesome, but very few there are. If it doesn't lead to eternal love and happiness, then all the men they dated were eventually terrible. That is how so many people view one another, men and women included. You know what I mean? Some will admit it years later. My first real girlfriend (15 years ago) and I were talking and we both just admitted we were young and mainly physically attracted. We had a good laugh and both admitted we were good people. So it can happen, but not until genuine forgiveness transpires. A good boyfriend is someone that matches well with her, supports her, loves her, and together they make for a good team. Not a guy trying to "game/pua", encapsulate her, smother her, degrade her, or act controlling. Have boundaries but be respectful. In short, be a leader not a manager. http://changingminds.org/disciplines/leadership/articles/manager_leader.htm Five stages of team building seem to work in relationships too: forming, storming, norming, performing, closure. Tuckman's stages of group development - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Most relationships do not get past forming or storming due to incompatibility in some regard (values, desires which can change over time), inability to resolve conflict, or no common vision. 1
TheFinalWord Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 You could have had 10 past girlfriends and messed up all of them because you're a crappy person. Or you could have 0 girlfriends and understand relationship dynamics better than the person with all those previous experiences. Another perspective: not all relationships are meant to last forever. Some are for a season. More of a spiritual perspective, but still true to me. I still have love for exes (even those that mistreated) b/c at that time, that person was there in my life and taught me. It was needed. Learn from Master Kan young grasshoppers The Tao of Kung Fu #15 - "The soul only records growth." - YouTube
somedude81 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 (edited) Some things that I think would make a good boyfriend. Respect her, treat her right, but don't let her walk over you. Make her feel special. Have lots of great sex. Be able to communicate Don't cheat. Don't be physically or emotionally abusive. It seems really basic, and yet many guys in relationships still screw up. Edited January 26, 2013 by somedude81
sweetjasmine Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Well I've never been a boyfriend, but my guess is that this will vary from woman to woman as to what a great boyfriend is. To me, there are base qualities that make for a great boyfriend, and I am just thinking out loud: - Emotional Intelligence: Being able to intuitively understand her as an individual woman, how she feels and why she does, instinctively knowing how to make her happy with relative ease. - Strength: I don't mean physical strength, but strength of character. Being proud of who one is and having personal boundaries and a code. This is attractive to women, especially if she shares her code. She will see you as someone who will stick around. Every now and then, it's not a bad idea to make yourself a little vulnerable occasionally - this can be extremely beneficial if you can do this right. - Sexual security: Be comfortable with your sexuality and being sexual with her. Let her know you are a sexual person and don't be afraid to let loose. Saying that, it's also very important to take care of her sexual needs also, this comes under emotional intelligence too - knowing instinctively what she wants and being able to fulfill it with no problems. That's all I have right now really, but this is basic to me. Anything else is more to do with the individual and what they want out of a relationship. Yes, all of that. I'd add the ability to communicate, compromise, and deal with conflict in a constructive way. The ability to let the walls down, trust, and be intimate. The ability to step back and examine your own behaviors as well as your partner's so you can both figure out what's going on and how to fix or improve it. The ability to recognize what your needs are and express them clearly and the ability to listen to your partner when they express theirs. The drive and desire to fulfill those needs and make the other happy, but balanced with a strong sense of self so that one doesn't get lost in the other and forget who they are. So is it possible for someone to think or know that they'd be a good boyfriend (or I suppose girlfriend) if they've never actually had a relationship before? Or is that kind of thought wishful thinking? In a sense, yes, but I think a lot of these skills are things you can only learn in relationships. I feel like some people are more self-aware and learn much more quickly than others. I also feel like some people have gone through relationship after relationship without learning a damn thing. Apologies for analogy hell, but I guess I would describe it as preparing to learn how to swim by watching the technique of as many swimmers as you can during swim meets. No, you won't know how to actually do it yourself until you get in the water, but if you generally have an idea of what works best, you'll pick it up faster than someone who never even thought about it before jumping into the pool. 1
TheZebra Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 I can tell you the traits my exes have had that IMO made them into great boyfriends: 1. They listened when I needed someone to talk to. 2. They remembered things I said, or special dates 3. They showed that they cared through personalized gifts, or random gifts (one boyfriend would randomly give me flowers or chocolate) 4. They paid attention to me. If I was feeling sad, they'd do something to make me feel better. 5. Made me feel important/like I was the only person in the room These are just some things that quickly come to mind. If you notice a common trend, it's that the ability to pay attention to your partner and do things for them to make them happy is pretty common in all of the above. Be someone who cares - and shows it.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 These things people are listing seem like fairly general things that people do in their other personal relationships (family or friends, coworkers, etc.). Since everything sounds so general, it seems logical to think that someone could consider themselves good boyfriend material, despite never actually being in a relationship with someone. Or am I wrong here and there really is a learning curve that you go through when you actually start having relationships?
Bristolius Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 These things people are listing seem like fairly general things that people do in their other personal relationships (family or friends, coworkers, etc.). Since everything sounds so general, it seems logical to think that someone could consider themselves good boyfriend material, despite never actually being in a relationship with someone. Or am I wrong here and there really is a learning curve that you go through when you actually start having relationships? Key word: boyfriend
TouchedByViolet Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 An important distinction needs to be made between being a "great boyfriend" and actually getting a girl friend. Being a guy who can be a great boyfriend does in no way mean you will get a girl friend.
KungFuJoe Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 "Treat her like a princess, **** her like a whore"
Recommended Posts