Polyamorous dating....

[soccerrprp]

no. Promiscuity is entirely different.

A polyamorous relationship is one where all parties are happy with arrangements.

As I have stated in my posts - I recommend you read them - the definition of Polyamory is quite specific.

There are 'rules'.

 

There is no Polyamorous 'dating'. There are only Polyamorous RELATIONSHIPS.

 

Polyamory is an established state and existence. The people are fixed. it's not a liberal free-for-all.

 

Nice, clean definition...promiscuity still redefined.

[TheGuard13]

Right, but these are people who don't neccessarily have issues with promiscuity.

 

It's a different value system.

[TaraMaiden]

Soccerrprp if that's what you wish to think, that's your privilege.

But it doesn't make you correct.

 

And remember than we as humans are not monogamous by nature.

We're monogamous 'by design'.

[lilmiss29]

So for the people being rude I'm not promiscuous, and I'm not new. I personally don't know what I want in the relationship as of yet either. So was I "jealous" when I saw the flowers not as much as I didn't need to see them. He and I have only been dating for a two months. I'm not well versed on open or polyamorous relationship but that's why I came on here. To get perspective from people who are more familiar with the situation personally. So on that note I have the utmost respect for myself as a person, I just don't know what I want out of a relationship at the moment and find it silly to hold someone to standards that I am not ready foe myself.

[lilmiss29]

Sort of. I did legitimately want to spend time with both of them, absolutely. I had just gotten out of a horrible maritalsituation, and told myself that I was going to at least try dating, and notcommit to anyone right away.

 

I liked them both a lot, and they both had verygood qualities in several areas, and there was chemistry with both. I just wasn’t in a position to choose one over the other for awhile, nor was that my intention.

 

One of the "rules" the girls I dated both had wasthat I had to let them know if I was going to sleep with the other girl (as in,start doing so, not every time I was going to). I assume this is so they couldgauge their feelings on this, never having been in this situation before.

 

 

 

Oh, Heavens yes. Unless you’re really okaywith it, don’t for a second let him do something that he won’t let you do.

 

Also, true polyamory really can refer to actual love that is sharedbetween three people, not just one partner or the other person dating others. Therecan be longterm polyamorous relationships where it’s like a “triad”relationship.

 

It’s not for everyone, but it works quite wellfor some people. Just because you might get jealous or have feelings about itdoesn’t mean it’s not for you. Jealousy happens in thebest of relationships if you’re prone to jealousy. It’s a matter of beingmature about it, confronting it, and dealing with your own feelings.

 

I accidentally bought a fairly in depth bookabout it when I thought it was about threesomes. Which my significant otherstumbled across and read, and then confronted me about. That was fun toexplain.

 

I see well I guess its a kind of "take everything with a grain of salt kind of thing"..... and our situation is that he just broke up with his last girlfriend not too long ago and is not looking for anything long-term at the moment and I am recovering from my last relationship as well. So the idea of us just being with each other sounds nice in theory but I'm just starting to really discover dating myself and I'm not looking for a big commitment either.

[TaraMaiden]

So for the people being rude I'm not promiscuous, and I'm not new. I personally don't know what I want in the relationship as of yet either. So was I "jealous" when I saw the flowers not as much as I didn't need to see them. He and I have only been dating for a two months. I'm not well versed on open or polyamorous relationship but that's why I came on here. To get perspective from people who are more familiar with the situation personally. So on that note I have the utmost respect for myself as a person, I just don't know what I want out of a relationship at the moment and find it silly to hold someone to standards that I am not ready foe myself.

 

lilmiss29, I think really what you have to do, is to come to terms with what you WILL stand for, and what you WON'T stand for.

Never compromise your own standards, and if you're in a situation where there is any doubt as to your position, then remember, the best judge of what you should accept - or not, as the case may be - is you.

Don't conform because you may get the feeling you need to 'up your ideas' or become more liberal.

Do not do things to please.

That's compromising, and where intimacy and sex is concerned, Compromise is 'The Road to Ruin' because invariably there will have to be some acceptance of something you feel uncomfortable about.

 

I do not frown upon, or condemn Polyamorous situations.

I am of the opinion that humans are not naturally Monogamous, but in order to conform to society's morals and standards, we adhere to serial Monogamy.

Cheating is condemned, in our society, as a rule.

I however, am very happy to be with a man in a monogamous relationship. That's what I've chosen, and so has he.

 

But if others choose to behave differently that's their choice, and good luck to them.

 

But remember:

if it feels good, do it.

Any doubt? Don't.

[candie13]

I just think you got a bit jealous when you saw that big bouquet of flowers , even if you've realized that you don't want him all for yourself - which is a post rationalization of the situation, from your side.

 

Instead of focusing on what he is doing -eg seeing other people - you should focus on yourself and find a guy you actually like, if you feel he is not the one. Once you find yourself another guy (or guys) that have bf potential, you'll care less about his guy's "other hobby/ hobbies".

 

IMHO, it's not about having a polyamorous dating or relationship, it's about figuring out what you can and cannot do. I don't think it's about him or this situation, this is all about YOU, girl.

 

You, like you've said it before, are still grieving because of your recent past experience. You need to understand that even if you feel ok, you are not, you are vulnerable - what you perceive as emotionally unavailable. If you're unavailable emotionally, maybe you should take some time off from dating, and spend your time in a meaningful and fun way with your friends or gfs. Or wait until you meet someone who at least you really like and would like to see a lot of, even if not become gf / bf.

 

Think about what you really want, can offer and would like to get back in return.

 

If I were you, I'd ask for more from yourself and the guys you're seeing. I''d ask for the "spark", for chemistry, not for something that's just quick, fun and convenient... because that's exactly what you're going to get in return. And I am not sure just how much you like that, you seem to be discerning !

 

just my 2 cents, anyway

[candie13]

PS. there are some wonderful, great guys out there... and you're spending your time with this guy. In a weird way, you're wasting your time, he is preventing you from meeting those guys, because no one had unlimited free time, and the more time you spend with this guy, the more you will get involved ( I keep saying that we are the direct product of our routine, of how we choose to spend our time.. in terms of people and experiences and how much they bring to you and your life). 2 months is a LOT of time, get in charge !

Edited January 26, 2013 by candie13

[soccerrprp]

Soccerrprp if that's what you wish to think, that's your privilege.

But it doesn't make you correct.

 

And remember than we as humans are not monogamous by nature.

We're monogamous 'by design'.

 

And human behavior redefined with nice definitions doesn't make it healthy either. Every one of the people involved in a polyamorous relationship open themselves up for hurt. Why? Because whether we are programmed or not, conditioned or not, monogamous tendencies and desires are also very strong.

 

BTW, giving nice definitions doesn't make it less than the sum of the behaviors involved. Promiscuous, open sex....with far less regard for feelings, emotions, etc. None of it is healthy and sounds very delusional...

[TaraMaiden]

And human behavior redefined with nice definitions doesn't make it healthy either.

Who gets to define what a 'healthy' relationship is? A healthy relationship cannot be confined simply by your personal point of view. What you define as unhealthy, others may be completely comfortable with. And if they're completely comfortable with it - then that's 'Healthy' for them.

isn't it?

They don't define their relationship by what YOU perceive to be healthy or not....

 

 

Every one of the people involved in a polyamorous relationship open themselves up for hurt.

Not necessarily.

It depends a lot on their personal attitude and communication skills.

It takes a particular mind-set to be able to be comfortable in such a situation. Oh for sure, it may raise and expose issues and 'emotional hurdles.

 

But name me any relationship that doesn't. Simply because the boundaries are established by more than two minds, it doesn't really make it any more - or less - open to hurt.

 

? Because whether we are programmed or not, conditioned or not, monogamous tendencies and desires are also very strong.

No, they're not.

If they were, there would be far less infidelity.

The majority of the threads on this board focus on difficulties arising through a partner's infidelity. Monogamy is actually a very fragile and subtle process. We are hard-wired and originally programmed to have multiple partners, and the only thing preventing us from having multiple partners, is the stringent conditioning of our personal and present society. Religion, Law and morals dictate that having more than one partner is frowned upon at best, and illegal at worst. (It is justifiable reason for a divorce).

But this society isn't the only one on the planet. And other societies are far more relaxed about the number of partners existent. Some societies even classify monogamy as inadequate.

 

 

BTW, giving nice definitions doesn't make it less than the sum of the behaviors involved. Promiscuous, open sex....with far less regard for feelings, emotions, etc. None of it is healthy and sounds very delusional...

 

...to you, maybe....

 

Your opinion is that Polyamory is simply people being overly and dangerously promiscuous.

Polyamory isn't about 'open sex'. Again, you're casting your own misunderstanding of the situation, as a definition, which is wholly inaccurate.

And you are distinctly incorrect about feelings and emotions being disregarded.

I am very familiar personally with a genuine Polyamorous situation. And I can assure you, that when a situation is truly polyamorous, a great deal of thought and consideration is given to the feelings and emotions of those involved. Discussion and communication are of primary importance.

Trust and Respect are held in high regard.

It's not a free sex-binge. Quite the contrary. It's actually very respectful and considerate.

[SJC2008]

A poster here claims mutli-dating is a loveshack term and that that's how most people date, until they wind up being exclusive with somene.

 

I tend to flip flop on this issue myself. I don't want to sleep with a woman who's sleeping with other people but if we aren't exclusive we don't have the right to control who they date/sleep with.

 

In your situation, being that you both aren't looking for commitment, it's better to leave things the way they are IMO. BUT you both need to have a real conversation beucase one of you is going to get feelings eventually, even though you don't think you're ready for a relatioship/commitment. So you should have a talk saying status quo is ok but if we get invested we need to let the other person know and either date exclusive or end things.

[skydiveaddict]

 

Monogamy is actually a very fragile and subtle process.

 

No it's not. It's a matter of discipline and true love.

 

We are hard-wired and originally programmed to have multiple partners, and the only thing preventing us from having multiple partners, is the stringent conditioning of our personal and present society.

 

That's just an excuse to justify infidelity. As if we have no more control over ourselves than a cat or dog has.

[TaraMaiden]

No it's not. It's a matter of discipline

..Which is a learned process and dictum, and taught, not natural...

 

and true love.

Oh please, spare me the schmaltz.

 

A young couple, and a well-settled couple and an elderly experienced couple will all give completely different definitions of what 'true love' is, so that's a moveable feast...

True love isn't defined by a monogamous relationship.

 

That's just an excuse to justify infidelity. As if we have no more control over ourselves than a cat or dog has.

No, it's not an excuse, it's a biological, natural reason.

 

Simply because you want it to be like this, unfortunately doesn't make it so.

I have done my research, and all indications are that everything that confines us to monogamy - is the excuse we give for NOT having multiple relationships.

 

Which is why so many people cheat.

because they want to gets some, somewhere else.

 

In our society, as we know it and experience it, according to general opinion, cheating is wrong.

 

I don't think it's wrong.

 

I think the lies, subterfuge deceit and pain it causes - is wrong.

 

If a person feels the need to have sex with someone else, that, in and of itself, isn't the crime.

 

The crime is the underhand way they go about it.

 

If a person commits to one single other, and promises through their behaviour and words, intention and testimony, that they will stay faithful to that one person, then they bloody well should and ought to stick to that, through thick and thin.

 

If they feel drawn to having a sexual liaison/relationship with someone else, then "Man" up and admit it, before you phukk up and phukk someone else.

(Notice the 'man' in inverted commas. This applies just as much, equally, to both genders).

 

Wanting sex with more than one person, is perfectly natural.

 

That's why the majority of people end up married, having already dated more than one person to that point. because it's a natural instinct in us to do that. We seek the perfect partner to suit our needs at that time.

 

However, HAVING sex, with more than one person, after a personal commitment to one SO - is a bad idea, if it involves deceit.

 

Hopefully, I've elaborated enough.

Please research whether human monogamy is natural. It isn't.

And the discipline required to be so, is imposed, not instinctive.

[Divasu]

My question is what are the rules about polyamorous relationships and when should you end them?

 

When one or both acquire an STD? This is such a personal choice, either you're into it, or you're not.

 

There is social monogamy and there is sexual monogamy.

 

Sexual monogamy involves discipline and the choice, to love another human being without boinking someone else on the side. 'Learned' process, natural, or not.

 

Whatever the case may be, human beings are not cut out to be alone. Some require 'more' versus others...If you know what I mean. Perhaps monogamy can be viewed as a state of higher evolution, OR, being confined to one person.

 

You decide.

Edited January 27, 2013 by Divasu

[skydiveaddict]

.

 

If a person commits to one single other, and promises through their behaviour and words, intention and testimony, that they will stay faithful to that one person, then they bloody well should and ought to stick to that, through thick and thin.

 

Why? According to you and your "research" being promiscuous is just part of the human condition. Why would most girls feel offended and betrayed by that? Any more than feeling hungry or tired?

[TaraMaiden]

Conditioning.

 

have you actually read anything I've written, or are you just picking out snippets to argue about?