lilmiss29 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 So I've been dating this man for going on two months. Over his b-day he received a very large gift from the other woman that he's dating, yes it turned into a thing (not a big thing but a thing) because I felt very disrespected with it just being right there in my face. Now I've always known that he was seeing other women and I'm not saying I haven't talked to a few guys here and there myself. Point being we spoke about briefly and he wants to date both she and I basically having two girlfriends. Which I'm not ready for a commitment or anything so I'm considering seeing how this goes. My question is what are the rules about polyamorous relationships and when should you end them?
soccerrprp Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 ...when one of you starts getting jealous about anything that the other does, it's time to end it one way or another. Wow, the things that people are willing to endure. What happened to self-respect? 1
TheGuard13 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 (edited) This is just basically just another form of dating, and he's being honest and up front with you VS hiding this other woman. There aren't really any hard and fast rules for something like this, though I would avoid discussing what's going on with the other woman, and I would avoid going to the same social functions as her with the guy. Beyond that, it's whatever you're comfortable with. You'll probably have to set some boundaries...is he dating two women, three, or more? You have a right to want to know what you want to know about what is going on, and he has a right to want to tell you what he's comfortable telling you. You should end the relationship when you're not comfortable with the situation, or when you're not getting what you want out of it. I dated two women for about six months a year or so ago, and in my case, one of the women I was dating wrote me a love letter, said she'd fallen in love with me but didn't think it was going to work, and said she was moving on. Edited January 26, 2013 by TheGuard13
Author lilmiss29 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 When you were dating the two women did they know about each other?
neveragain34 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Does she know about you? For a woman to get a man such as large gift when they aren't in a committed relationship tells me there may be something more to their relationship. Are you sure she isn't his girlfriend and you are the other woman? He could very well be cheating on her with you and she has no clue.
TheGuard13 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 When you were dating the two women did they know about each other? Yes. Actually, I got to know them on the same weekend at a theatre convention, and they knew each other, though they weren't close friends.
TaraMaiden Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Polyamorous relationships mean that any people within a relationship (To take the OP's example, the two ladies and the man) can have multiple partners. Not just the man, but the two ladies as well, can also have other partners. Polyamory means that all members are free to multi-date. If the ground rules are that he can multi-date, but he objects if you do, or you chose to remain monogamous with him - then it's not a polyamorous relationship. It's a POLYGAMOUS relationship,ie, one man, many women. 1
Author lilmiss29 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 That's actually something I need to ask like I said when this all came out it was kind of a thing(like I wanted to collect my thoughts first bring it up maturely, rationaly and ended up popping off in a night club instead), so it didn't come out the way I planned it. I'm pretty sure he met me first just as he has just now started being a little less available and I know his ex-girlfriend and that things are over between them. It wasn't anything too huge she bought him flowers in a giant purple vase....
Author lilmiss29 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 I'm not sleeping with anyone else but yes I plan to start dating more again and not just talking to other men.
TaraMaiden Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Because this is a relatively new concept in dating, people are still entrenched in tradition, and emotions like resentment, jealousy and 'offendedness' can rise to the surface, knocking self-esteem and self-dignity. If polygamy has this effect on you - just walk away. Nothing is forcing you to stay, and there's no obligation to remain in such an arrangement. How does he feel about you multi-dating and 'seeing' other men, maybe on an intimate sexual level? Would he object? if so, then he's in a 'Polygamous' mind-set. If he is truly Polyamorous, he should be quite content to let you proceed that way. But be sure you do it because you really feel comfortable doing it. Not because you want to make him jealous or take more notice of you.....
Author lilmiss29 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 Because this is a relatively new concept in dating, people are still entrenched in tradition, and emotions like resentment, jealousy and 'offendedness' can rise to the surface, knocking self-esteem and self-dignity. If polygamy has this effect on you - just walk away. Nothing is forcing you to stay, and there's no obligation to remain in such an arrangement. How does he feel about you multi-dating and 'seeing' other men, maybe on an intimate sexual level? Would he object? if so, then he's in a 'Polygamous' mind-set. If he is truly Polyamorous, he should be quite content to let you proceed that way. But be sure you do it because you really feel comfortable doing it. Not because you want to make him jealous or take more notice of you..... I mean we spoke about a month ago about dating other people. I told him I was on a need to know basis. That I wasn't going to sleep with anyone else but still go out on dates.
Author lilmiss29 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 Does she know about you? For a woman to get a man such as large gift when they aren't in a committed relationship tells me there may be something more to their relationship. Are you sure she isn't his girlfriend and you are the other woman? He could very well be cheating on her with you and she has no clue. That's actually something I need to ask like I said when this all came out it was kind of a thing(like I wanted to collect my thoughts first bring it up maturely, rationaly and ended up popping off in a night club instead), so it didn't come out the way I planned it. I'm pretty sure he met me first just as he has just now started being a little less available and I know his ex-girlfriend and that things are over between them. It wasn't anything too huge she bought him flowers in a giant purple vase....
Author lilmiss29 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 I could never do that ****. I don't know if I will so much more needs to be discussed I feel.
Author lilmiss29 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 Yes. Actually, I got to know them on the same weekend at a theatre convention, and they knew each other, though they weren't close friends. So with that said did you honestly want to spend time with both of them? Or was it just the fact that you met them at the same time, and you really only wanted to be with one and the other was just there to fill in the gap while you decided (so to speak)?
TaraMaiden Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 I mean we spoke about a month ago about dating other people. I told him I was on a need to know basis. That I wasn't going to sleep with anyone else but still go out on dates. No, that's not polyamory. That's being exclusive but socialising. Polyamory is having one primary sexual partner, but then dating other people, even venturing to have a sexual relationship with them. And if they buy into it - then they can have other sexual partners.... But it doesn't become a chain-reactive orgiastic sex-fest. Normally, people involved in a polyamorous situation, have two - max three significant others..... It's disciplined. Maybe one partner has primary place as it were, but there is liberty to express yourself amorously with another person or two. In a relationship. It's not like an open marriage either, where partners might hook up with someone else for a ONS, but have no meaningful emotional attachment to them....
KungFuJoe Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 So I've been dating this man for going on two months. Over his b-day he received a very large gift from the other woman that he's dating, yes it turned into a thing (not a big thing but a thing) because I felt very disrespected with it just being right there in my face. Now I've always known that he was seeing other women and I'm not saying I haven't talked to a few guys here and there myself. Point being we spoke about briefly and he wants to date both she and I basically having two girlfriends. Which I'm not ready for a commitment or anything so I'm considering seeing how this goes. My question is what are the rules about polyamorous relationships and when should you end them? Right about.....NOW.
TaraMaiden Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Right about.....NOW. Spoken like a true liberal! :laugh:
soccerrprp Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 So, now days we're calling promiscuity "polyamorous dating?" 2
KungFuJoe Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 I got nothing against multi dating, sleeping around, etc, etc. AS LONG AS YOU CAN HANDLE IT. Op obviously can't handle it because she's getting jealous over a gift. If you were just sleeping with this guy for the sex, you wouldn't care what gifts he was getting or from whom. Once you start caring, it's time to stop. 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 So, now days we're calling promiscuity "polyamorous dating?" no. Promiscuity is entirely different. A polyamorous relationship is one where all parties are happy with arrangements. As I have stated in my posts - I recommend you read them - the definition of Polyamory is quite specific. There are 'rules'. There is no Polyamorous 'dating'. There are only Polyamorous RELATIONSHIPS. Polyamory is an established state and existence. The people are fixed. it's not a liberal free-for-all.
TheGuard13 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Sowith that said did you honestly want to spend time with both of them? Or was itjust the fact that you met them at the same time, and you really only wanted tobe with one and the other was just there to fill in the gap while you decided(so to speak) Sort of. I did legitimately want to spend time with both of them, absolutely. I had just gotten out of a horrible maritalsituation, and told myself that I was going to at least try dating, and notcommit to anyone right away. I liked them both a lot, and they both had verygood qualities in several areas, and there was chemistry with both. I just wasn’t in a position to choose one over the other for awhile, nor was that my intention. One of the "rules" the girls I dated both had wasthat I had to let them know if I was going to sleep with the other girl (as in,start doing so, not every time I was going to). I assume this is so they couldgauge their feelings on this, never having been in this situation before. Polyamorous relationships mean thatany people within a relationship (To take the OP's example, the two ladies andthe man) can have multiple partners. Not just the man, but the two ladies aswell, can also have other partners. Polyamory means that all members are free to multi-date. Oh, Heavens yes. Unless you’re really okaywith it, don’t for a second let him do something that he won’t let you do. Also, true polyamory really can refer to actual love that is sharedbetween three people, not just one partner or the other person dating others. Therecan be longterm polyamorous relationships where it’s like a “triad”relationship. It’s not for everyone, but it works quite wellfor some people. Just because you might get jealous or have feelings about itdoesn’t mean it’s not for you. Jealousy happens in thebest of relationships if you’re prone to jealousy. It’s a matter of beingmature about it, confronting it, and dealing with your own feelings. I accidentally bought a fairly in depth bookabout it when I thought it was about threesomes. Which my significant otherstumbled across and read, and then confronted me about. That was fun toexplain.
TaraMaiden Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 AAAARGH!! MY EYES HURT!!! (Try again). EDIT: Thank you.
TheGuard13 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 I need to learn to stop pasting things into Word and then onto here.
TaraMaiden Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 O/T: Sometimes, if it takes you a long time to respond and it's long-winded (I don't mean that insultingly) it pays to type your post - but then remember to copy the whole post before submitting. Occasionally you'll find that after a certain time the site has logged you out. Luckily, I just type name and password, and it takes me back to the thread, with my post submitted and intact. I had occasions in the past where I lost the whole lot, that way. But I think it depended on the internet explorer or server version I had..... What you just did to remedy your post was fine. Just remember to separate the words or else it comes out looking likethisat times..... And you can't edit, once someone else has submitted a post after you, and it's been accepted by the system..... O/T post ends.....
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