Ashton3727 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 This is a big of a longer post but I am hoping some of you will read it and help me put my mind off ease. I am 21 years old now. 5 years ago I met who I thought would be the love of my life. I remember the first time I saw her and I was captivated but to shy to say anything. One day she randomly pulled me to her locker in the hallway and kissed me. From there we started to see each other and it took about a year but we got real serious. I went off to college while she finished her last year in highschool and everything was great. Then when it came time for her to go to college she decided to move an hour and a half away which scared the living **** out of me. For the longest time it was just me and her, we would never go out with other people cause we felt that our relationship was successful because it was always just us. Anyway, when she moved away I was terrified she would meet people and decide she didnt wanna live a reserved life with me where it was always just us. So I started to be really controlling and jealous. We broke up for about a week and knew we would get back together. We had some big fights and screaming matches and I knew that wasn't healthy but I told myself we were young and it was both our first serious relationship so we had to learn as we go. Anyway, she came home for the summer and the fighting got worse. She was 19 when I got her pregnant accidently. When she told me I was in shock but promised her I would never leave her side. She is from Iraq and her parents are very strict while I live in a suburban Canadian home where it is the total opposite. She decided not to keep the baby because she simply would not be supported by her parents so she got an abortion. (please dont judge). I will never forget the moment she came out of the operating room and looked at me. It still haunts me to this day. Anyway, over the next couple months I slowly started to resent who she was.. We didnt have sex for like 6 months and there was a lot of tension in the relationship. She has lost some close people to death, and after losing our baby I know she just had nothing left to give. She supressed all her emotions, even her love for me yet would tell me how much she loves me. September of 2012 came around and it was time for her to go back to school an hour and a half away from me. I promised things would be fine and for the first little bit they were. Then as the days went by her text messages became more dry, are conversations were meaningless, and the only time we were happy was when we were physically together. We had sex a couple times but we both werent into it even though we both think eachother are really attractive. We broke up on November 21 of 2012. The day after we broke up we went for coffee and talked. We said we shouldnt talk for a while and see if there is a possibility to get back together. So in my mind I thought a week or two was good enough not to talk. A couple days went by and I would send her texts saying i miss you. She would tell me to stop. Three weeks go by and I tell her please see me so we can talk. She says "I realized I dont love you romantically anymore." My world was shattered. I said some hateful things on facebook like an immature idiot. She saw those things and called me and said how could you write those things. I said i was so heartbroken and angry im sorry. We than met up one night at the place we first met and talked. It was amazing. We had a breakthrough. She ripped her clothes off and we had sex in my car and it was amazing. Over the next few weeks she was home for the christmas break we had sex and did things together that we enjoyed and it was perfect. She even came over new years and spent it with my family and kissed me new years eve. The 3 weeks of her being home for the holidays were over, and she went back to school. We talked about valentines day and plans for us blah blah blah. 4 weeks go by and she says we are just friends right now and i agreed. I would do anything to get her back so if being friends is what she needed i would try my best to do that. BUT ITS IMPOSSIBLE. We would hang out and cuddle and kiss than when I would talk to her or text her "lovey dovey" things she would tell me stop we arent together. It seemed like i was on a rollercoaster everyday. The other day i finally had enough of not being able to sleep, wondering where she was all the time, and just wanting to show her by being with her how much I care. I told her "you need to let me know so i can either have closure or get the girl of my dreams back. I cant be just friends with you with all the feelings i have, im sorry, i love you to much to be just friends".. Now when we talked prior to this she promised me it would be worth it and she promised she wouldnt hurt me. Well I was hurting because we were in limbo and i needed to know so i pushed for an answer cause she had told me things like "there is nothing more i want than to get back with you". "So when i told her i needed a decision she said i never wanna be with you again ever, you pushed me to far and im sick of your emotional talks all the time". I snapped and told her I hated her and blamed her for the abortion she wanted. (I dont blame her i was just so angry at the time). She came and dropped my stuff off and I feel like we will never see each other again. Was it wrong of me to push for an answer because I was hurting? I was up every night thinking I cant be just friends I love her to much yet she made beign friends look so easy. Why would she tell me things like "I wanna be with you" , "I promise it will be worth it" only to drag my heart around on the floor for almost 2 months making me hold onto the thought of us getting back together. I am stunned, she was my first love and thought she would be my last. I dont really know what to expect by telling this story, i am just hurting so much and i want answers but they arent there. Did this happen because of the abortion? Did i really push to far? Has she had so much lost in her life that one minute she wants us and the next she doesnt so she would just string me along? For the last 5 years, we grew up together and I feel so lost...
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