aliceb1987 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 I can easily count on one hand the number of blokes i have been involved with who i have actually been TRULY attracted to,and they have all been Bad boys/pretty boys/players.All the men i see in the street who i find attractive are that type too, or else taken or out of my league. I see lots of guys who would make great boyfriends on dating sites but i just don't find them attractive and in my experience,if i dont get that vibe straight away i won't ever get it.I know some say people can grow on you but in my case it hasn't worked that way. I am 25 now and looking to settle down long term with someone decent,but obviously i need to fancy the prospective partner aswell! I'm stuck how to get out of my picky ways....ideas anyone?!
Woggle Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Do some work on yourself to find out why you are attracted to these men.
ChessPieceFace Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 I just have to laugh. So typical. But OP I applaud you for taking the steps to at least recognize this problem in yourself. You're already ahead of at least 80% of most women. How to fix it .. not sure. It's a noble idea but can you really change who you are attracted to? How to really fix it - fix the human genome so that people value what should be valued. If only it were possible. It's really the key to having a world that is a paradise, instead of the @%#$-hole we're living in how. 2
TouchedByViolet Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Well you can't always judge a book by it's cover. Deep down you know there is something about their personalities you are attracted too. The looks are a distraction. Yes you can have short term flings with good looking men but a long term relationship only happens with men who you describe as bad boys. Even if you met a hot guy who is nice, over time you may lose your feelings toward him because he doesn't have that edge the bad boys have. You need to look inwards and discover what about those bad boys attracts you. Really dig. Is it the fact that they push you? They are unpredictable? A problem to work on? What is interesting about them?
ThaWholigan Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 It's going to be trouble. You have to identify the exact traits that make these guys hot to you, that attract you. Pinpoint exactly what they are, and then you have a tough job to do: Find those traits in men who are more balanced, or at least in line with your future aspirations for a relationship. Also, learn to be objective in the early stages, don't get swept up in the "vibe". 1
Revolver Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Because the others guys just don't turn you on That's a problem alot of women today face
JuneJulySeptember Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 I can easily count on one hand the number of blokes i have been involved with who i have actually been TRULY attracted to,and they have all been Bad boys/pretty boys/players.All the men i see in the street who i find attractive are that type too, or else taken or out of my league. I see lots of guys who would make great boyfriends on dating sites but i just don't find them attractive and in my experience,if i dont get that vibe straight away i won't ever get it.I know some say people can grow on you but in my case it hasn't worked that way. I am 25 now and looking to settle down long term with someone decent,but obviously i need to fancy the prospective partner aswell! I'm stuck how to get out of my picky ways....ideas anyone?! Bookmarked. Thank you average woman! 2
sid3 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Turn ~50ish More like 38-39ish in my experience.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 It's going to be trouble. You have to identify the exact traits that make these guys hot to you, that attract you. Pinpoint exactly what they are, and then you have a tough job to do: Find those traits in men who are more balanced, or at least in line with your future aspirations for a relationship. Also, learn to be objective in the early stages, don't get swept up in the "vibe". This is what you need to do. It may even take a little formal therapy to really dig in and ask yourself: "Why do I only want men who I know can't give me real love, affection, and intimacy?" Perhaps what you don't want isn't so much a stable non-bad boy...but the kind of relationship such a person is likely to be looking for. If you are marriage minded and tired of the games, then you need to find someone who is not a player. Perhaps a truly self reformed bad boy? 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 And more evidence starts to pile up that women are attracted to alphas when they are younger and in their prime and more attracted to betas as they leave their prime... That's what you think. I was on the train last night back from the city and this 42 year old woman walked and sat right down next to this good looking 21 year old kid. She was average, maybe a little above. She was drunk and they were talking really loudly so I heard their ages and everything. He was like putty in her hands. She got his phone number like it was nothing. Most women will still chase after the best looking guys. It doesn't matter the age. And they will be able to succeed most of time.
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Try dating someone based on chemistry. Meaning conversational, physical, mental... all the things other than looks.
sid3 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 She asked how to stop falling for these kinds of men, not when she would no longer be able to get them. Otherwise I would agree with you. Fair enough.
curlygirl40 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 You should really stop and think about what you want in a partner. Exactly what you want. Write it down. Loving, caring, affectionate, a good friend, good with kids, etc., etc., etc. Then you should realize that what you want might not come in the package that you're looking for. The hot guy who is rough around the edges. The guy who's hard to get, the guy who doesn't treat you well. I get it, it's about passion. Women are sometimes attracted to that guy who will take charge and throw us down on the bed and make us feel more feminine because they are being so masculine. It's a ying/yang thing. Sometimes when men are being too passive we mistake this for femininity. When what we want is the masculine so we dismiss that. It's easy to dismiss the 'sweet' guy who is smart about not testing boundaries and who just really likes you and just keeps showing up. It is so amazing to be treated sweetly. It just is. I would take that over looks and passion any day. Because being treated well will make you incredibly attracted to the man that you're with. His support and kindness and generosity and the attention and admiration he can give you will put you in a place where you realize you deserve to be treated that way and then you not only appreciate it, but you find it incredibly attractive. When we're young we sometimes tend to take advantage of guys like that and not appreciate it and we are attracted to those that are just beyond our reach (hard to get) because we like the unobtainable, that's what is attractive to us when we're younger. But we can train ourselves with enough heartfelt self discovery (or enough baggage of past abuse) to find something attractive about a good, sweet guy. He might not come in the package you expected but if you meet a great guy you owe it to yourself to see if something can grow from that. Because let me tell you, sweet and thoughtful and kind can also turn into generous in bed. And we all know how at THAT point, we fall hook line and sinker. How can that not be good? I had this talk with myself recently and right after that I met a great guy. He's not hot. He's not a bad boy. He's not playing games. He's just a cute, awesome, stable guy who really likes me for me. I didn't know where it was going to go but he kept asking to see me again and I kept saying yes. Walks in the park, a quick cup of coffee, a movie and dinner. Every time afterwards my friends kept saying 'sooo?' and I'd be like 'I'm not sure. He's so f'n sweet I just have to see where this is going to go. I'm not sure if the physical attraction is there, but he's just so sweet to me'. Then on our 7th outing we went parking (yes I know, grown adults but we both had kids at home). We only made out and nothing else, but let me tell you, the passion coming from him.... I am hooked. I'm smitten like a kitten and can't wait to see him again. This is a guy who I keep telling my friends 'he's not really my type'. But he's sweet and kind and thoughtful. He's a great dad, a good friend, a great son to his mom who is ill. This is a guy I want in my life. A year ago I probably would not have seen him a second time. I was looking for passion, chemistry, etc. on the first meeting. Right now I feel so much chemistry with this guy I can't stand it. Can't wait to see him again so he can lay a kiss on me again. You owe it to yourself to figure this out. You won't regret it. 4
TheGuard13 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Women are sometimes attracted to that guy who will take charge and throw us down on the bed and make us feel more feminine because they are being so masculine. It's a ying/yang thing. No offense meant... I've heard this a lot. Is it just lost on many women that if this is what they want...that plenty of "nice" and "sweet guys" are quite capable of doing this? It might take a little probing...
Author aliceb1987 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 Thanks for all the helpful replies! Try dating someone based on chemistry. Meaning conversational, physical, mental... all the things other than looks. Perhaps that is the key,as i suppose looks don't last forever but personalities do.I sort of tried to do that before christmas with someone i could have great conversation with and got close to as friends, but turned out that there were some key appearance flaws i couldn't overlook and also some key personality issues with him and physical and mental incompatibilities between the both of us. Guess i need to find someone who has it spot on with mental compatibility,lifestyle,goals etc,and who is not bad looks wise but doesn't immedietely stand out as being my type,so that i can focus more on personality first.
ThaWholigan Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 No offense meant... I've heard this a lot. Is it just lost on many women that if this is what they want...that plenty of "nice" and "sweet guys" are quite capable of doing this? It might take a little probing... They are capable but it's something that they themselves need to be aware of too. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Thanks for all the helpful replies! Perhaps that is the key,as i suppose looks don't last forever but personalities do.I sort of tried to do that before christmas with someone i could have great conversation with and got close to as friends, but turned out that there were some key appearance flaws i couldn't overlook and also some key personality issues with him and physical and mental incompatibilities between the both of us. Guess i need to find someone who has it spot on with mental compatibility,lifestyle,goals etc,and who is not bad looks wise but doesn't immedietely stand out as being my type,so that i can focus more on personality first. My boyfriend is fit, but is also balding. Not my normal type, but he has such an amazing personality and we are so on the same level that he is by FAR the SEXIEST man I have everrrr been with. 1
curlygirl40 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 No offense meant... I've heard this a lot. Is it just lost on many women that if this is what they want...that plenty of "nice" and "sweet guys" are quite capable of doing this? It might take a little probing... Agreed! The guy I'm seeing now, he told me that he will let me take the lead (sexually) and I let him know that I would like him to take the lead because it turns me on. I understand that he doesn't want to push boundaries but we were having a candid conversation about sex (after that make out session) and I pretty much let it be known that I wanted him to step up and take control, that I needed that. And he's all for it. :-) So that's the key I think. That all men are capable of that if they know that's what we want. In the past the guys that I was most attracted to, felt the most chemistry with were guys that ended up being players. I realized that (for me) this was all about the fact that they were charismatic and confident and that made me feel more feminine around them. Gave me butterflies in my tummy. I have come to realize that can happen with the quiet, sweet guy also if you give him time and let him know that's what you need.
Author aliceb1987 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 Curlygirl40,love your first post...really nice that you are able to value what is most important. I know there are afew good looking guys out there who have everything going for them- lifestyle and personality wise aswell but they are few and far between and mostly taken or out of reach. I met one such man just after christmas who initiated all the interest to start with but then when i started to show my real interest after trying to play it cool pulled the plug saying he wasnt over his ex.I ended up feeling rather hurt, as built my hopes up thinking i had finally found the perfect combination! However although he is a really decent guy,i always felt like i would have to be perfect for him and i probably would have always felt inadequate had we got together. I did actually devise a 'list of criteria' a couple of months back...it is an A4 sheet long and makes an interesting read 1
candie13 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 You most likely enjoy the bad boy character, the danger, the unpredictability, the thrill, Fair enough. By now, you've also realized that there is little substance behind all that. So before making boring A4 lists that will end up dusting somewhere in your house, get some perspective on your life and come up with some actionable steps. You cannot help but feel attracted to these guys. No pill to like dorky, Keats loving, glasses wearing, Cambridge educated type of guys... My advice is to not jump anymore. You've obviously acted based on mutual attraction, they would do their little act and then disappear or disappear and break your heart. Be more patient with yourself and with them. Get to know a bit better them before dating them. Look at facts, what they do versus what they say. How they treat you versus how they treat their friends. Do you like their friends or their lifestyle? Remember that someone can only hurt you if you allow them to.
tbf Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 When a guy treats you like kitty poo, he's not the one for you.
Easyguy14 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I can easily count on one hand the number of blokes i have been involved with who i have actually been TRULY attracted to,and they have all been Bad boys/pretty boys/players.All the men i see in the street who i find attractive are that type too, or else taken or out of my league. I see lots of guys who would make great boyfriends on dating sites but i just don't find them attractive and in my experience,if i dont get that vibe straight away i won't ever get it.I know some say people can grow on you but in my case it hasn't worked that way. I am 25 now and looking to settle down long term with someone decent,but obviously i need to fancy the prospective partner aswell! I'm stuck how to get out of my picky ways....ideas anyone?! I dont know why you wont settle for a average decent guy because you look quite average to me. 1
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