kar Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 So I caved and met up with the ex after pages and pages of texts.. (Just a quick catch up- he moved out a week ago, I told him I'm done, we met up two days ago and he wants to do something today) When we met up he told me he still loved me but didn't want to continue living with me atleast anytime in the near future but still wants to continue a relationship and see where it goes (We've lived together on and off for over three years and only apart when we were actually broken up). My question is can it work living apart after our past? Right now it feels so weird to only have seen him once since this all happened - how do I go about this or is it all a giant waste of time and only going to end badly? I love him so much but I feel unimportant with him now wanting to see me as much as I want to see him. -we both also have crazy work hours so living apart it really wouldn't be practical to our schedules to be with each other daily..just hurting and confused..
Amelia81 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Its not the living apart that will or will not make it work, its whether the initial reasons for the BU are resolvable. They are only resolvable if both parties have acknowledged them and know what has to change to make it work this time. Have you discussed any of this?
Author kar Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 No honestly we don't communicate well but he's never been much of a share-er. We were best friends for years before this and I saw how thick headed he was with his exs also. If he's not willing to open up and give a 100 percent effort should that right there be my deal breaker?
Amelia81 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 I dont know how things can be different this time round if you're not communicating about the relationship. I think because men dont communicate the same way as women its easy to excuse them for being crap or not doing it at all. But to be given a second chance i think he needs to be bending over backwards to prove to you whats different this time and how its going to work. Its easy to just accept anything if we are hurting and them coming back to us in any form is better than the pain we feel right now. But its a short term fix and we have to weigh up the odds of it hurting again, if not worse, in the future. I once took an ex back 6 weeks after he hurt me immensely. I think he didnt like i had started moving on. He promised me the world it was different this time. I thought id give him the benefit of the doubt, everyone deserves a second chance and i would always wonder 'what if' if i didnt try either. Took just a week for him to drop me again and i had to go through the pain and heartache all over again when i had moved on so well before.
TaraMaiden Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 (edited) When we met up he told me he still loved me but didn't want to continue living with me atleast anytime in the near future but still wants to continue a relationship and see where it goes (We've lived together on and off for over three years and only apart when we were actually broken up). My question is can it work living apart after our past? Right now it feels so weird to only have seen him once since this all happened - how do I go about this or is it all a giant waste of time and only going to end badly? I love him so much but I feel unimportant with him now wanting to see me as much as I want to see him. -we both also have crazy work hours so living apart it really wouldn't be practical to our schedules to be with each other daily..just hurting and confused.. He seems to be calling all the shots.... have you not laid down any conditions? Frankly, NC is the best option, because he is spreading his wings and gaining some liberty. I suspect secondary dating might be in his mind. he's scared of commitment, needs to spread his wings a little - but likes to think of you as primary back-up. Neat. Edited January 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author kar Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 Tara- screw you. I'm hurting right now and broken hearted to call it desperate is plain rude especially in a place like this were we're all just looking for an outsiders advice. To the other two thank you. I was and am wishing things would work especially at this point in the break up but you guys were both correct and I did cancel the meet up
Samilia Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Tara- screw you. I'm hurting right now and broken hearted to call it desperate is plain rude especially in a place like this were we're all just looking for an outsiders advice. To the other two thank you. I was and am wishing things would work especially at this point in the break up but you guys were both correct and I did cancel the meet up Well, she's right on it, her advice is good. Why do you want her to bubble wrap it? I do agree with her, it seems like he's calling the shots, getting his cake and eating it too, while you would wait for him to give you a piece. Cancelling the meet up was smart.
Author kar Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 Yes. I think in a situation like this especially as another woman who's gone through this and is on this site to help we would atleast choose our words kinder
TaraMaiden Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 (edited) Sometimes, a barb hits home. But I never intended to be unkind - it was designed to expose a factor that might have been staring you in the face and you not realised it. Look, I meant no offence, but in black and white writing, sometimes you put a 'tone' on a post that isn't there in the first place. You put a tone on my post reflecting your mind-set. But it wasn't MY mind-set. Imagine me saying that softly with my hand on your arm. Don't you see that I was trying to bring you round to common sense? I have also noted that what is 'kinder' to some, is intellectual baby-food to others. I don't know what else to say. You need to put yourself first, and you aren't doing that. And neither is he. And that's not fair, in any book, or any tone. Be well. Good Luck. Edited January 27, 2013 by TaraMaiden
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