Alsuna Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 BU after almost 7 years, NC since 3 weeks, right after the BU. He is treating my family like we never broke up. Liking my sister-in-laws food pictures on FB. Not my pictures anymore though luckily, he used to do that in the first week after the BU. He still keeps all of our holiday pictures on FB, i deleted every trace of him from my profile. He only hid his relationship status, I'm openly single from the very moment we broke up. Or to be more precise he broke up with me. His mom also likes my pictures and my family member's pictures on FB. More than that, today I go out with his sister clubbing, and next week I have a movie scheduled with his brother, all agreed after the BU. Is this normal? I think it's pretty awkward. He betrayed me so bad, that a second chance is out of question, even he would come back begging. Which he won't do, first, because he said he doesn't love me anymore, and second he is too proud to admit, that he made a mistake. So why all this hassle to keep up the picture, that "we're good"?!
cavalier99 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 STOP LOOKING AT HIS FACEBOOK! Block him and un friend all his family and friends. And don't go clubbing with his sister. And hanging out with brother. That is crazy. You need to ERASE all of them from your life if you want to heal. 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 You remind me of the pig being fattened for Christmas and winter food. One day, a neighbour of the Pig Farmer comes round for a chat - and sees the pig now only has 3 legs.... "What happened to the pig's leg?" he asks the Pig farmer. "Ah to be sure, we had to cut it off for our meal last month....." "But are ye not fattening him up for the winter period?" "Ah, that we are... that we are.... but he's such a nice friendly sorta pig, we can't bear the thought of killing him all at once....." You're not applying NC. You're cutting it off bit by bit but keeping the best bits. Can't be done in half measures. If you've broken up - it's time to break up and give yourself time to heal, move on and live a life on your own. You have to take the rough with the smooth. You can't have salted butter with no salt. 1
Author Alsuna Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 Looks like next week im meeting my ex's dad for dinner. I know that his family thinks his an idiot that he let me go. That's why it feels so good to have this programs with his family. It probably annoys him. quite childish, i know... I blocked him now on FB. I dont want to see any of his updates on FB. He knows how to reach me if there is something super important.
TaraMaiden Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 What is it you want, exactly? You've been advised that this whole "Contact with everyone except him" really isn't workable right now, but you're patently intent on not responding to that. So what exactly is it you're seeking here....? I'm at a loss, to be honest..... 1
stevie_23 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 There's no point blocking him directly if you're maintaining regular contact with his family. Sometimes we get really close to the families of our partners and when we break up, it can be hard to suddenly stop spending time with these extended people we've formed an attachment to. Is that happening here? Or are you just "unable" to get yourself out of these old patterns and you don't really care if you see them or not? You have to make a decision. If you don't LOVE these people as your own friends / family, then STOP SEEING THEM IF YOU REALLY WANT TO MOVE ON FROM YOUR EX. If you DO love them and don't see a good reason NOT to spend some time with them? Ask them to kindly please never mention your ex out of respect for your need to heal from the BU. If they respect you, they will do this as best they can, and YOU will have to understand and be prepared for them to slip up at times and still mention him.
Author Alsuna Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 The thing is, that they don't mention my ex at all. They are diplomatic. I dont get a heartache, or punch in the stomach feeling when I meet them, they don't remind me of my ex, being around them, feels quite normal and natural. Like friends, who just happen to be his relatives. As for blocking my ex... Everybody was right here, I had to do it. I was checking it regularly after the BU. Making me feel under pressure, and depressed, when I saw that he is out having fun so close to the BU. I guess he checked out of the relationship emotionally long before I did. So I pushed myself to go out too, and see more people, even it was the last thing I wanted to, and actually it helped me. Now I try to focus on my studies and finding a job. It is a very strange feeling, my life goes on as usual, its almost like he never existed. All traces of him erased. I don't know where I should be at after 3 weeks, but I really didn't expect this. I thought my whole world is going to collapse without him.
TaraMaiden Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 So actually.... everything is cool and you're happy that everything includes everything - except him. The Finnish are different, obviously!! What do you predict might happen if the situation arises when you meet up as usual with his folks - and he's also there? Or do they know well enough to not 'mix you guys together'....?
Author Alsuna Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 We wont get mixed, because we are 2000 km apart. Currently he is in my home country, and I'm in his. We don't have to see each other at all. I think I'm living in the best possible post-breakup scenario. By the time we have to meet again(somewhere in September) when I'm moving my stuff from his apartment, I hope I will feel indifferent to him, and can wish him good luck with his life. But it's probably too much to wish for.
stevie_23 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 As for blocking my ex... Everybody was right here, I had to do it. I was checking it regularly after the BU. Making me feel under pressure, and depressed, when I saw that he is out having fun so close to the BU. I guess he checked out of the relationship emotionally long before I did. So I pushed myself to go out too, and see more people, even it was the last thing I wanted to, and actually it helped me. Now I try to focus on my studies and finding a job. It is a very strange feeling, my life goes on as usual, its almost like he never existed. All traces of him erased. I don't know where I should be at after 3 weeks, but I really didn't expect this. I thought my whole world is going to collapse without him. You don't know where you should be at after 3 weeks? That's totally normal and exactly where you are is exactly where you should be for YOU. Everyone experiences things and feels things differently and you're doing great, in my opinion. Bear in mind also that it tends to be a bit of a rollercoaster at times. You think you're over it, you've felt fine for a while and it seems to be mostly smooth sailing and then BAM! Something will remind you or make you feel something specific and you'll feel you've taken some steps back. But don't worry if that does (or doesn't) happen. It's all part of the healing and moving on process. In terms of you feeling strange and hurt to see he was "having fun" so soon after the breakup, this is part of why it sucks to check out your ex's activities online in places like Facebook or whatever. You only get the "public persona". You only get a passive view of what's going on. A week after my ex left me, I was an absolute WRECK and yet on my Facebook (which he's never been on, incidentally), I appeared "normal". Went to see a movie, went out to dinner, etc. I was "having fun" and I SO WAS NOT. So don't read TOO much into that. Also, you may have hit the nail on the head when you said he apparently moved on earlier than you did. Unfortunately this is common with breakups. The dumper often has been feeling differently for a while and either took some time to work up the courage to do something about it, or took a while to decide exactly how they really do feel, or they took a while to even accept it in their own minds that they didn't feel the same anymore...and so by the time they express it, they HAVE moved on somewhat, and this is the final step in that process for them. Whereas for you, it's the first step.
stevie_23 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 By the time we have to meet again (somewhere in September) when I'm moving my stuff from his apartment, I hope I will feel indifferent to him, and can wish him good luck with his life. But it's probably too much to wish for. Too much to wish for that by September you will be healed enough and will have put enough distance between you and this current difficult time in your life to feel indifferent towards him? Nah. Nobody knows what can happen in that length of time. It's 8 months away, you know? You may be head over heels in love with someone else by then! You probably can't even comprehend that possibility now, but it was just an example that anything can happen, so definitely try not to project yourself forward that far into the future right now. It just puts pressure on you that's unnecessary. Also, one other thing about feeling indifference to ex partners. I think, at least in the earlier stages following a BU (meaning, before it's been 6-12 months), any indifference you feel is directed more towards the actual BU itself as opposed to your ex. You can still feel fondness and appreciate the good times you had, so that's not really indifference exactly. But over time, you lose the instant emotional connection to how the BU and "the end" made you feel, and THAT is the indifference you might be hoping for.
cavalier99 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Also, one other thing about feeling indifference to ex partners. I think, at least in the earlier stages following a BU (meaning, before it's been 6-12 months), any indifference you feel is directed more towards the actual BU itself as opposed to your ex. You can still feel fondness and appreciate the good times you had, so that's not really indifference exactly. But over time, you lose the instant emotional connection to how the BU and "the end" made you feel, and THAT is the indifference you might be hoping for. Huh. This paragraph sparked my interest. Please elaborate. Thanks. Cav
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