Less virtual

[justwhoiam]

This is for the non virtual LDRs out there.

 

I assume you don't want your LDR to turn virtual. I know I don't want it to be virtual. As soon as I perceive it that way, or think he's going to let it be that way, I am bothered, and I start getting very unsatisfied, to say the least.

 

So my question is: how do you make it less virtual? Don't say "by meeting him in person", because that's obvious. I mean when you are far away, what works for you in order for it not to seem virtual?

[CherryT]

This is for the non virtual LDRs out there.

 

I assume you don't want your LDR to turn virtual. I know I don't want it to be virtual. As soon as I perceive it that way, or think he's going to let it be that way, I am bothered, and I start getting very unsatisfied, to say the least.

 

So my question is: how do you make it less virtual? Don't say "by meeting him in person", because that's obvious. I mean when you are far away, what works for you in order for it not to seem virtual?

 

We send each other random photos of things we see when we're not together. Or if he's out with friends he'd send me a group pic and say we wish you were here... Just makes me feel apart of his life on a day to day basis.

[Arnissa_N]

When it was going well, we discussed much of everything that was happening on both sides... so knew when he had a meeting or an off day, and what his siblings were doing then, and he knew what was happening at my end... almost every detail...

Voice and video chats took us through out cooking sprees, and eating together..:laugh:

[pettie]

iPhone + Skype = great combo

 

Besides from the standard stuff between us only (visits, regular mail, etc), the communication extends to him and my family, or me and his family. This helps making things feel closer: exchanging photos of when we/they get together, messages, cards, etc. Love it when his mother sends me photos from her phone, of him doing random stuff.

[Els]

I have to admit that I was in a LDR for 2.5 years and had no idea there were 'virtual' types and 'non-virtual' types of LDR. What's up with that?

[LittleTiger]

I have to admit that I was in a LDR for 2.5 years and had no idea there were 'virtual' types and 'non-virtual' types of LDR. What's up with that?

 

I don't get it either!

 

I have been in an LDR for over 3 years (not to mention the two much shorter term LDRs I had with my ex husband) and, at no time, have I ever felt that my relationship was virtual.

[FitChick]

More talking on the phone instead of texting.

[justwhoiam]

What I meant was there are people claiming to be in a relationship (and even a serious one) and they have never met. Many such couples break up before they get to meet each other. Others meet and then the relationship gets real. It's no more virtual. After that moment on, I guess something changes. Doesn't it? So what is going to actually change afterwards? The risk for it to remain virtual is high if you can't meet often. And in some cases, even people whose relationship started IRL switched to a virtual relationship once they were far away from each other.

 

So I was wondering about other people.

 

I'm not sure if now it's clearer...

[Hal_TX]

What I meant was there are people claiming to be in a relationship (and even a serious one) and they have never met. Many such couples break up before they get to meet each other. Others meet and then the relationship gets real. It's no more virtual. After that moment on, I guess something changes. Doesn't it? So what is going to actually change afterwards? The risk for it to remain virtual is high if you can't meet often. And in some cases, even people whose relationship started IRL switched to a virtual relationship once they were far away from each other.

 

So I was wondering about other people.

 

I'm not sure if now it's clearer...

 

By virtual do you mean strictly communicating online?

 

Because there is the telephone. That's not virtual.

[justwhoiam]

By virtual I basically mean "fake". You can talk on the phone with a virtual friend or a virtual boyfriend.

[Hal_TX]

By virtual I basically mean "fake". You can talk on the phone with a virtual friend or a virtual boyfriend.

 

okay i still don't get it. What do you mean by fake then?

[justwhoiam]

okay i still don't get it. What do you mean by fake then?

What's not clear exactly? Fake as in one or both pretend to be in a relationship which feels as if it were real, but it's not.

 

Just as an example, to make you better understand (this doesn't apply to my case), a guy can have 3 simultaneous virtual girlfriends.

[veggirl]

So one thing I notice about "virtual" relationships is that a lot of the conversation that's had is about feelings for each other. Like conversation revolves around "I miss you, I love you, baby you are so amazing, you are the only girl for me, I will never meet another man like you" so on and so forth. There is no substance to that type of conversation, really. Or it's like well XYZ happened today but you don't talk about it because it seems unimportant (just random s.hit about the day) and they'd rather have mushy talk or small talk so as to keep up maybe a certain perception of themself.

 

I agree with FitChick, less texting more actual talking. Facetime/Skype. Sharing the more dull details of the day etc. Having actual conversations rather than just ILY/I miss you...

[Hal_TX]

What's not clear exactly? Fake as in one or both pretend to be in a relationship which feels as if it were real, but it's not.

 

Just as an example, to make you better understand (this doesn't apply to my case), a guy can have 3 simultaneous virtual girlfriends.

 

ah ok. I always thought virtual meant something that strictly happened online. In my opinion those really aren't relationships. If it stays online and never goes real that its just fantasy.

 

But i get what you mean. You meet the person and then you go back to you where you live and you continue the relationship through the phone as if you're in a real relationship.

 

On my opinion i think there has to be an end game. Someone is going to have to move to where the other is. Otherwise, its probably best to just tone down the relationship and keep it as friends.

[justwhoiam]

Someone is going to have to move to where the other is. Otherwise, its probably best to just tone down the relationship and keep it as friends.

Ha! So that means you are going to kill 75% of all LDRs. Maybe more than that. Very few people can move to the other place and live together after a few months.

 

I am trying to understand how other people try to make it less virtual as possible. I know that planning visits, making plans for when you have time together in person and such things make it real. But then it happens you're not going to meet for some time, or you don't know when you'll be meeting again next time...

 

Anyway, I appreciated the suggestions. Sharing daily routine, like eating together. It's a simulation... but for some reason I feel there's the intent to make it seem more real.

[LittleTiger]

What I meant was there are people claiming to be in a relationship (and even a serious one) and they have never met. Many such couples break up before they get to meet each other. Others meet and then the relationship gets real. It's no more virtual. After that moment on, I guess something changes. Doesn't it? So what is going to actually change afterwards? The risk for it to remain virtual is high if you can't meet often. And in some cases, even people whose relationship started IRL switched to a virtual relationship once they were far away from each other.

 

So I was wondering about other people.

 

I'm not sure if now it's clearer...

 

Ok, so a 'romantic' relationship where all you do is communicate online forever and develop feelings entirely on a fantasy - I guess you could call that a virtual relationship. Although I have a couple of very good friends that I've only communicated with online (and phone) and our friendship is definitely not virtual.

 

Once you have met someone IRL, the relationship is real. Friends or lovers. It doesn't matter how often you see one another. I barely ever see my two best girlfriends - but it doesn't make the friendship any less real.

 

Kiwi man and I share our lives. Not in the conventional sense, but we are 100% committed to each other, we have 'how was your day' conversations, spend quality time together and we talk about and plan for our future almost daily. Whether that's the next Skype call, the next visit, or how we're going to manage our jobs, finances or relationship over the next year. We support each other when things get tough and we celebrate the good times. We've had periods when we haven't been able to see each other for almost a year, but it doesn't change anything. The only major difference between what we have and a close-by relationship is lack of physical touch.

 

What confused me about your original post, justwhoiam, is that you said your own relationship sometimes started to feel virtual and that doesn't make sense - at least not in a straight forward LDR. However, I've now looked back through your posting history and, unless something significant has happened in the past six months, you are actually married with children and your long distance love is some sort of affair. If that's still the case then we are talking about a completely different type of relationship which cannot be compared to a committed, full time LDR. Your relationship feels 'not real' at times, because it isn't. No extra-marital affair is based on reality, LDR or not.

[justwhoiam]

Hi LittleTiger,

 

I disagree with you. If you have any remote personal/intimate interaction with someone you have never met, that is a virtual relationship, regardless of how real it feels. That is to say that a virtual relationship can feel as if it were real. But it still is virtual.

 

What I was trying to say is if you have a virtual friendship for X years, and then you actually meet the person, when you go back to your routine at home, the risk is it goes back to virtual. I tried to convey my thoughts the best way I could, but it's not easy.

 

I'm not having a virtual relationship, I said at times it feels so because of the distance. It has nothing to do with it being an affair. I am not having an affair. So I hope this makes things clearer.

 

In short, I asked others about this, because I was curious and interested in getting ideas as to what people do to avoid that trap. The thought came from my personal experience, but it was more general.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm still not too clear about this thread, I think a friendship stays virtual if you never meet, even if you talk on the phone and skype.

It never feels virtual with my partner even though we are apart a lot because of the time we've spent together IRL, and we keep it all going by having communication daily and we stay close to each other emotionally.

[Els]

Hi LittleTiger,

 

I disagree with you. If you have any remote personal/intimate interaction with someone you have never met, that is a virtual relationship, regardless of how real it feels. That is to say that a virtual relationship can feel as if it were real. But it still is virtual.

 

What I was trying to say is if you have a virtual friendship for X years, and then you actually meet the person, when you go back to your routine at home, the risk is it goes back to virtual. I tried to convey my thoughts the best way I could, but it's not easy.

 

I'm not having a virtual relationship, I said at times it feels so because of the distance. It has nothing to do with it being an affair. I am not having an affair. So I hope this makes things clearer.

 

In short, I asked others about this, because I was curious and interested in getting ideas as to what people do to avoid that trap. The thought came from my personal experience, but it was more general.

 

Well, you are free to define 'real' and 'fake', 'virtual' or 'non-virtual' however you like. But based on your own definition of 'virtual' - ie a couple who has never met - there seems to be one and only one way to avoid 'virtuality', isn't there? According to you, if you've met, you're 'not virtual' and if you've not met, you're 'virtual'. How do you 'go back to virtual (your definition of it)' after meeting; can you un-meet each other?

[LittleTiger]

I'm not having a virtual relationship, I said at times it feels so because of the distance. It has nothing to do with it being an affair. I am not having an affair. So I hope this makes things clearer.

 

So you have split up from your husband then?

 

If you haven't split up from your husband, and you are conducting a romantic LDR at the same time, then you are having an affair - like it or not - and that is why your LDR doesn't feel real at times.

 

At the risk of repeating myself, people who are in committed LDRs with someone the have actually met do not feel that their relationship is virtual. It just makes no sense.

 

Well, you are free to define 'real' and 'fake', 'virtual' or 'non-virtual' however you like. But based on your own definition of 'virtual' - ie a couple who has never met - there seems to be one and only one way to avoid 'virtuality', isn't there? According to you, if you've met, you're 'not virtual' and if you've not met, you're 'virtual'. How do you 'go back to virtual (your definition of it)' after meeting; can you un-meet each other?

 

This is what I'm confused about too.

[TMichaels]

It has nothing to do with it being an affair. I am not having an affair.

 

You're married. Unless you've got another boyfriend since you started posting here, your b/f is married. You said *your* husband is aware of your escapades, but your b/f's family is not.

 

You can call it whatever you want justwhoiam, but most people would call the adulterous relationship you're having with your boyfriend an affair -- not the same thing as the kind of committed LDR relationship that others are in and are speaking of here.

 

I'm in agreement with Little Tiger on that score.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[amayana]

Hello there, I'm trying to get my head around your question and your definition of "virtual" versus "real". To me "virtual" means something that is not existent in a physical reality, so are you referring to the lack of physical intimacy? Is that what makes it feel less "real" to you maybe?

 

Having to look at your loved one through a screen, not being able to smell them or feel their "weighted warmth", might make it seem like it's not real but that's a matter of perspective, I think. We see lots of horrible things on the news but that doesn't make it less real. It's the way you deal with what you see and experience. I mean we're active learners, we can think critically, etc.

 

I know what my boyfriend feels like, tastes like, smells like so it helps just putting myself back into the moments we spent together. Making plans, talking about our future, about work, our families and friends, sending each other photos, letters, gifts... Skyping every day, texting, all those things make the time we're apart more bearable and definitely real. Sometimes we watch movies together, at the same time. Or we read books at the same time and discuss them. I've never felt like our relationship wasn't real, although I had many people ask me that same question. I always say that it's as real as any other relationship just a little bit different since the emphasis is on communication.

 

Maybe I misunderstand your definition of "virtual" though. But I hope this helps a little.

[justwhoiam]

people who are in committed LDRs with someone the have actually met do not feel that their relationship is virtual. It just makes no sense.

That just means you live in a perfect world and I don't.

 

You said *your* husband is aware of your escapades, but your b/f's family is not.

I am not having any escapades. I remember you attacked me as soon as I came here and posted my first thread. I did not post any update since then. But well, you're wrong. She told him he must really love me... and marriage is in our plans.

 

Anyway, I didn't want the thread to be "about me". I was just gathering ideas on how to keep it less virtual as possible. I have been reading threads in here for 6 months, and I can tell many posters had to deal with this problem caused by the distance. Some are better at coping with it, some are not.

 

Hello there, I'm trying to get my head around your question and your definition of "virtual" versus "real". To me "virtual" means something that is not existent in a physical reality, so are you referring to the lack of physical intimacy? Is that what makes it feel less "real" to you maybe?

I didn't refer to physical intimacy only, more like anything happening remotely, being it phone or internet.

 

 

We see lots of horrible things on the news but that doesn't make it less real.

I see what you mean... I'm not questioning how real the other person feels, of course we do know he or she is real. It's the continuous remote interaction that can feel virtual at times. Does it make more sense now?

 

I guess there's a huge difference between people meeting twice a month and people who meet twice a year, so to speak. I am generalizing now, but this is just to give you an idea of what I am talking about.

 

I've never felt like our relationship wasn't real

I *know* it's real. I thought of it a little bit, and I tried to see if I could find a better example of what I meant. Because it's not easy to explain this, especially considering that English is not my first language. So here is what I came up with:

 

Think of those fun-house mirrors, you look into one of them and you can see someone taller, thinner, or bigger, etc. You do know that the person looking into the mirror is real, you're not questioning that, still you perceive that the image you get is not real. I know this example sucks, but well... I came to the conclusion that it can feel virtual at times because most communication is not in person, rather through phone or internet.

 

I hope it's not more confusing now than it was before my further explanation

[Els]

So in that case 'virtuality' would depend on how you yourself 'feel' your relationship is? Why are you shooting down posters who say that they have 'never felt their relationship was virtual' by telling them that it couldn't possibly have been real because they hadn't met, then?

 

I don't know, there seems to be a lot of arbitrary categorization going on here. Perhaps you meant to ask how people deal with feeling disconnected due to the distance?

[HeavenOrHell]

Haha, sorry had to laugh at what you said to LT there, I wouldn't call living thousands of miles from my partner and not having seen them for a year perfect But what she has, and so do I, and many others here, is a deep connection with our partner, no matter if we saw them a year ago, or today (in my case), or a week ago or 3 months ago, if you've met them and created a bond with them by spending time with them in the real world then it's never going to feel virtual again, like Elswyth said; if you've met then you can't un-meet them. Even if I grew apart from, or split with my partner it's never going to feel like it was virtual, nothing virtual about the love between us, or the cuddling and intimacy and all the things we do when we're together.

When the love is there and it's deep, even when you're apart, how can that feel virtual?

 

 

That just means you live in a perfect world and I don't.

 

I am not having any escapades. I remember you attacked me as soon as I came here and posted my first thread. I did not post any update since then. But well, you're wrong. She told him he must really love me... and marriage is in our plans.

 

Anyway, I didn't want the thread to be "about me". I was just gathering ideas on how to keep it less virtual as possible. I have been reading threads in here for 6 months, and I can tell many posters had to deal with this problem caused by the distance. Some are better at coping with it, some are not.

 

I didn't refer to physical intimacy only, more like anything happening remotely, being it phone or internet.

 

 

I see what you mean... I'm not questioning how real the other person feels, of course we do know he or she is real. It's the continuous remote interaction that can feel virtual at times. Does it make more sense now?

 

I guess there's a huge difference between people meeting twice a month and people who meet twice a year, so to speak. I am generalizing now, but this is just to give you an idea of what I am talking about.

 

I *know* it's real. I thought of it a little bit, and I tried to see if I could find a better example of what I meant. Because it's not easy to explain this, especially considering that English is not my first language. So here is what I came up with:

 

Think of those fun-house mirrors, you look into one of them and you can see someone taller, thinner, or bigger, etc. You do know that the person looking into the mirror is real, you're not questioning that, still you perceive that the image you get is not real. I know this example sucks, but well... I came to the conclusion that it can feel virtual at times because most communication is not in person, rather through phone or internet.

 

I hope it's not more confusing now than it was before my further explanation