Strychnine Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 First, let me start by saying hello. I’ve been lurking on this site for a day or two, but I finally came to the decision that I can’t go through this all by myself. A little over 2 months ago my wife of 12 years told me she was leaving me. We have 3 kids ages 2, 11, and 16 In the last two months I have been through every emotion imaginable, and I’m finally at the point where I need someone to talk to. So I guess I should start from the beginning. About a week before Thanksgiving of last year, my wife dropped the bomb on me, she’s leaving me. I really can’t describe how it felt to hear that she didn’t want to be with me and she didn’t know if she loved me anymore. I think she could have hit me in the head with a hammer and it would have hurt less. At the time I didn’t understand where all this was coming from, I knew that she wasn’t happy, but I thought it was just a phase that we would work through. I had no idea it had gotten this far. When Thanksgiving rolled around she went to her parents house, like we always do, but this time she took the kids and went without me. She stayed there for a week and that week was hell for me. I thought I could handle it and I knew she needed the time alone. Boy was I wrong! There are 168 hours in a week, I think I maybe slept a total of 10 hours that week and I only ate maybe once every other day. I really tried to leave her alone, but I couldn’t do it. I called her, I sent cards, and texts. I did everything except leave her alone. My first mistake. When she got back she told me she was moving in with her parents. My world ended. She did however say that she would not file for divorce for a year. However, after processing the information for a while I realized that this would be a bad situation for our kids. You see, 60% to 75% of my wife’s job is interstate travel. That meant that her parents would be raising my kids. I wasn’t ok with that. I’m sure her parents would make wonderful parents for my kids, but its not their job. They have raised their kids, they don’t need to do it again. It’s not fair to them, and its not fair to the kids. I brought this up to her and told her we had 3 options. She could stay in the state we lived in, we could fly the kids back and forth, or I could move to the same town as her. After a lengthy conversation we decided that I would move to the town she was moving to. So here I am in a new city, with absolutely no support system. I don’t have a job yet, but I’m finally done jumping through all the temp service hoops, and they should have me something next week. Now my wife and I still talk on the phone fairly often, and for the most part the conversations are friendly. It’s when we start talking about anything more serious than how the day went that things go bad. I fairly well convinced that she still loves me, she just doesn’t like me very much right now. I want to save my marriage so bad, but she won’t let go of all the resentment and anger long enough to talk to me about “us”. I know that’s a lot for a first post, but I needed to tell the story to someone. Anyway thanks for taking the time to read through it all.
standtall Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Are you looking for advice or an opinion on something? You have my sympathy, but without more info or a question it is hard to comment. I have found that women with minor children seldom leave marriages unless. 1. Drug/alcohol abuse by either. 2. Physical/emotional abuse by you. 3. Mental illness by either. 4. Third party involvement by either. Now there are exceptions, but this covers the majority. Also, you have rights as a parent to the children as far as custody, living arrangements, and visitation. You need to consult an attorney that specializes in divorce law in your area.
Caldespair Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 stry You came to the right web site for support and venting. I have been living on my own and out of my house for 7 weeks. I have 2 kids, 1 still at home (16 years old). Been with my sbxw for 27 years. Thought things were decent overall. I COMPLETELY know what what you are going through. Things could not be more painful - yes, a hammer in the face would be much better. Just know that things are overwhelming, but they become more tolderable. I know you have a million emotions and none are good. Sleep is still an issue for me. In the first 1-4 weeks, I could not fall asleep until shear exhaustion. I now sleep about 5 hours a night. I have lost about 15 lbs. You will read or have read about no contact, your legal rights, and how to minimize the impact on your small kids. Hang in there. You will make it through whatver the outcome will be.
Author Strychnine Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 @ Standtall - No, I don’t have any questions right now, at least none that can be answered by anyone here. I think I know why my wife left, and it’s not on your list. Neglect. For the last 5 or 6 years I have been so wrapped up in trying to put us in a better financial position that I forgot I had a wife and kids. I didn’t see it while I was in the middle of it, but looking back over at least the last 3 years we have been more like roommates than husband and wife. @ Caldespair – Thanks for the support. That is basically why I Joined the site. I just need a place to vent my frustrations and get a little support. I’m still hanging on to the hope that we will eventually work through this. My biggest problem is that she keeps doing things that confuse the hell out of me. There are times when she talks to me like I have been sent to this planet to destroy it. Then there are times like tonight. My daughter had a function for a school group she is involved in. My wife and I sat through the whole thing like the best of friends. Afterwards, she invited me out to dinner. With the exception that there was no physical affection at all, we sat with the kids and had a great family dinner. She’s the one who wanted the separation, I agreed to leave her alone to get her thoughts together and heal herself. Yet, she keeps inviting me out on family outings like this. I’m a little confused. So I’m taking these moments one at a time and trying to deal with them the best I can. I’m taking the realistic view here, hope for the best and plan for the worst.
Twin Respects Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I have been married for nearly 7 years and have one young child together. In addition to our child we, ea, have 2 adult children from previous marriages. Although he had been divorced several years before me, he behaves as if still married to his ex. I learned he had given her abundance of money throughout entire marriage but has always put her first. He filed for divorce, and has never been home much, as he has stayed away for weekends while turned off his phone. I always knew he didn't respect me and said more harsh things than good, but I was not smart, and took him back ea time. The reason I am writing this, is I know he isn't any good but I suffer separation anxiety and it saddens me. also, i learned few months ago, he had given his ex wife all our money and using "card stacking" propaganda through divorce To try and prove it. claims most of money came from old cd's he had before we met. i don't have energy to prove it since im still shocked that My entire marriage was a lie. We have not one penny together. his old cd's and trusts were his from before and during OUR marriage his ex got all additional acquired money. When someone buys you a sculpture, has written - "trust" on it, and does all mail, computer, and phone contacts outside residence; plus tells you at beginning, he's a 1 woman man even though you didn't ask if he was. but only assumed since we agreed to be committed already to ea other. - these are signs. Lastly, He bullied his way (his atty and my old atty said i would even get less time if i argued) and now has many hours with her only to hurt me. He states I'm his estranged wife to others and tries to appear this way to court. Also, I need to quit being a wimp and prove things including our marital assets that are missing from his one-sided ledgers.
standtall Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 @ Standtall - No, I don’t have any questions right now, at least none that can be answered by anyone here. I think I know why my wife left, and it’s not on your list. Neglect. For the last 5 or 6 years I have been so wrapped up in trying to put us in a better financial position that I forgot I had a wife and kids. I didn’t see it while I was in the middle of it, but looking back over at least the last 3 years we have been more like roommates than husband and wife. . Marital abandonment is a form of emotional abuse and a very difficult thing to get over. You should consider yourself lucky that she did not seek in another what she did not get from you. With that in mind, perhaps you can still salvage it...good luck.
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