mariosbabyuk Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 So here are the gory details Met someone off a dating site 4 months ago ( we are both 45) - we have been getting on really well just having fun together, restaurants,hotel visits, cinema, music events, walking her dog - easy in each others company, we laugh a lot, sex is intense and passionate (note - we slept together on the first date , initiated by her !), no disagreements. Things going nicely. Couple of times she tells me she's beginning to care for me, and its not just fun and lust. (I didn't really respond, and tell her we should take things slowly) She has 4 kids, 1 with cerebal palsy (in a wheelchair, needs a lot of care, so lots of pressure for her). Divorced recently after 17 years of pretty awful marriage it seems, but separated for 3 years prior. Had a few relationships in that period it seems, the latest of which ended about 1 month before we met, lasted a year. She is still friends with this guy she was with before me, who she says she loved but it didn't work out (he couldn't deal with her kids situation). Red "rebound" flag straight away for me on lots of fronts - so I resolved to take things slowly from an emotional point of view, and just enjoy things, see what happens. Over Xmas, out of the blue and with no prompting or discussion from me, she tells her kids she is seeing me ( I haven't met them at that point, she mentioned a few times she didnt want another father for them, I was there for her primarily). We go to a few parties where I meet her close friends, who tell me how great she thinks I am. She tells me she is getting a bit paranoid I haven't mentioned her to my parents, brother, close friends - (I haven't done this as I saw no point if this was a rebound and things weren't going to be serious, and why introduce pressure or hassle). She says it is getting serious for her (hence telling her kids) so we agree I will start introducing her to my family and friends. We meet my parents for a dinner last weekend, things go fine . My parents like her. She decides to let me formally say hello to her kids later that day (out of the blue), and it goes great. I start thinking that maybe she is serious about this relationship, but am aware that some in a rebound will push things quickly - privately resolve to give it another 3 months at least before I allow myself to get emotionally involved, rebound at the back of my thoughts (either from the ex-bf or the divorced ex-husband) Maybe I was tempting fate ! - 2 days later (!) she calls (crying) to say she's sorry but she can't see me anymore !! Reason given were issues with her daughter with CP - daughter is questioning her future and role in life (she is 15), wants to look at miracle cures etc. She needs to concentrate on her daughter, feels guilty that she hasn't dealt with this over the last few months with her daughter as she's been with me a lot ( only 1 -2 nights a week max though, and when the kids are with dad),its really affected her as a mother and can't spare any time or emotional involvement for me. After the initial shock, I reply that I know she will have to put her kids before me (moreso in her situation) and am fine with not putting pressure on her to meet up and go out etc whilst she has issues like this, and we can pick up when she and her daughter are a bit more sorted. I am also happy to support in anyway - she agrees to think about things, but I get the feeling she is hiding her true feelings . I privately conclude this is over from my own perspective, as this is obviously a rebound for her. No contact from me - and then 5 days later she texts - its over, she's jumped into this relationship too soon, its not right for her and doesn't want to mess me around ( so a bit different from the reasons when we spoke previously, and are typical rebounder soundbites - either from not getting over her previous relationships or code for she's getting back with one of them.) She doesn't want to talk as she feels I will try and change her mind. I reply I'd come to terms with the fact that it was over after we spoke previously, and agree to part as friends. All very amicable - but i am disappointed its come to an end as we both enjoyed the time together and the sex. I know I'm going to really miss her being around, and maybe hope we will hook up again if and when she is more sorted. However, resolve to stay to no contact and get on with life, and see if she contacts me. But.... She is on anti-depressants and was questioning whether she could cope with her kids situation when we spoke last, and talked about just running off. So I want to give her some support in this regard and see how she and her daughter are doing, because I do actually give a **** about people in these situations. But I feel if I contact her about how she's feeling and getting on with her daughter she will misinterpret this as a sign that I am not comfortable that the relationship is over, and am just pining for her . Which will then drive her further away ? Advice appreciated ( and please don't say "don't get involved in rebound relationships !")
CptSaveAho Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Dont get involved in rebound relationship s Its not rocket science
Loved77 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Only you know this but it sounds like you are emotionally involved with her? It's your choice though NC seems like the best option. Has all the symptoms of a rebound. Good luck
Author mariosbabyuk Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 Yeah, I agree, definitely a rebound - that's why NC over the relationship as a whole is easy for me. I'm in too minds whether I was emotionally involved - I'm not that down about it all at the moment, but have had moments when I really miss her being around, and miss the sex obviously. It was only 4months after all, and I took it very slow. But she has had a lot to cope with in caring for her disabled daughter (she had/has little or no help from her father), and she was beginning to doubt herself just before she ditched me. I was the only person telling her she could do it, and she was strong enough to deal with the problems in the future about her daughters condition. (it made her ditching me now even more bizarre to comprehend!) Her family were of no help (mother and brother more interested in their own problems). She was incredibly weepy, talking about just running off and dumping the kids with their father, and is obviously in a rough state of mind as she's on anti-depressants. It's the NC and not knowing if she's coping with this situation that is gnawing away at me. Feel a bit ****ty for not just emailing her and asking if she's OK. And then I think, well she hasn't checked to see if I'm allright, so why should I bother ? Confusing situation
Samilia Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Yeah, I agree, definitely a rebound - that's why NC over the relationship as a whole is easy for me. I'm in too minds whether I was emotionally involved - I'm not that down about it all at the moment, but have had moments when I really miss her being around, and miss the sex obviously. It was only 4months after all, and I took it very slow. But she has had a lot to cope with in caring for her disabled daughter (she had/has little or no help from her father), and she was beginning to doubt herself just before she ditched me. I was the only person telling her she could do it, and she was strong enough to deal with the problems in the future about her daughters condition. (it made her ditching me now even more bizarre to comprehend!) Her family were of no help (mother and brother more interested in their own problems). She was incredibly weepy, talking about just running off and dumping the kids with their father, and is obviously in a rough state of mind as she's on anti-depressants. It's the NC and not knowing if she's coping with this situation that is gnawing away at me. Feel a bit ****ty for not just emailing her and asking if she's OK. And then I think, well she hasn't checked to see if I'm allright, so why should I bother ? Confusing situation Personally I would leave it alone. So no, I wouldn't bother. If sex is what you're missing, get back on the dating sites, bars, etc... if that's her you're missing, let her breath for a few weeks, she might contact you once the situation has calmed down a bit.
Author mariosbabyuk Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 Personally I would leave it alone. So no, I wouldn't bother. If sex is what you're missing, get back on the dating sites, bars, etc... if that's her you're missing, let her breath for a few weeks, she might contact you once the situation has calmed down a bit. I think you're probably right. Thinking about it - I did send her a closure email, and mentioned in there that if she ever needed any help or just a shoulder to cry on she could contact me. I've done as much as I can I think. I don't think she'll contact me about the relationship side though - she'll need a lot of time to think about what's happended to her over the last few years, if that was the real reason. I have a hunch she's gone straight back to the ex-bf who has reappeared though. That's why the NC is easy for me.
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