Ziggy459 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 (edited) I am really struggling in life right now in many different ways. I don’t have anyone to talk to about any of this, hence posting on this site. I'm not really sure where to begin, so I'll just try to lay out all relevent details. I am in a long-term relationship that began about 5 1/2 years ago. We have lived together for 4 of those years. I also have a teenage daughter who lives with us as well. Our relationship has been rocky for about the last 3 years, maybe a little more. I am currently leaning/pushing towards ending the relationship, but there are many complicating factors...maybe I should make a bullet-point list... - Financial difficulties. My partner did not work at all for about a year and a half straight (from Jan/11 until May/12). I do not earn a high income myself, and had struggled for most of that time to make ends meet. While he feels like he did everything he could to find work, I strongly disagree. I sometimes received financial help from a parent just to pay for basic needs. This left me with feelings of guilt and inadequacy. I often feel like a complete loser/failure. - The "Lifestyle" issue. In 2008, my partner wanted to try experimenting in the swinging lifestyle. I, (due to low self-esteem issues I guess), went along with this, and we eventually became a very well known couple in the lifestyle. I was never a fully willing partner, but also was never really honest with my boyfriend about this, worried that he would leave me if I didn't want to do this stuff. However, even though I didn't clearly communicate how I was really feeling, it was obvious that I didn't enjoy these types of events/activities, and I would do whatever I could to avoid them. We left the lifestyle about 5 or 6 months ago, for reasons I'll explain later. - Mental health...I am quite severely depressed, I believe. I am not currently being treated for this at all. I have been on various anti-depressant medications in the past, and through 2011 and part of 2012 I did see a psychiatrist, (but only so he could adjust the meds I was on at the time). I cannot afford to see a counsellor. I debate daily with myself the value/point of continuing living, though at the same time I KNOW I would never actually self-harm. I don't know if this could change in the future, but as it is right now that is not something I would do. - Trust issues. Our relationship has had some sketchy incidents along the way. Things like texts I've seen on his phone, or emails, etc. that have lead me to believe that there may be times where he's cheated (not including the lifestyle events, obviously) Ok so now with that background info, there's still more. In Dec 2011, I ended the relationship, but we were still living together (him in a separate bedroom). He was still not working at that time, but I eventually had to tell him he would have to find somewhere else to live (I gave him two months to do this). He ended up moving out at the end of Jan 2012 to go stay at a friend's house, and look for work in order to eventually be able to move out on his own (but all his stuff stayed at my house). So now here is where *I* get really ugly. And pathetic. What I've learned about myself, is that I am afraid to be alone. Like, apparently, terrified. About two to three weeks after he left, I find out he has met someone new. I start hearing about it from mutual friends, and seeing daily updates on facebook about what they're doing, where they're going, etc. They were together every day, and their relationship seemed to progress super fast, especially considering he had JUST left a 4 1/2 year relationship. So I try my best to ignore it, but it gets to me. I also find out he's introducing her to the lifestyle, and starts taking her to events we used to go to, with friends we used to hang out with together. Long story short, three months after he moved out, (and with very limited communication between us), I contact him and ask to get together to talk. After talking again for a few days, the decision is eventually made that we will reconcile. He moves back in (and he still does not have a job), but still wants to continue in the lifstyle, actually even more so than before. AND he wants to keep his new friend he met while we were apart. He wants to still be able to "play" sexually with her, etc. I am obviously not ok with this, and tell him so. It becomes a constant fight between us, and he eventually "gives it up". But by this point I've become a complete pathetic mess, constantly checking his phone and email without his knowledge to see if he's lying to me. And I find some hurtful things - such as him telling her he has romantic feelings for her (when he has sworn to me that she is a lifestyle "friend" only). Also, one email she sent referred to him "telling" me that they were still at lunch (he met her for lunch twice after he moved back in with me), when I guess they were obviously somewhere else. I don't believe he ended things with her - what actually happened is SHE got sick of HIM, and ended it herself. (you know, someone with an ounce of self respect, unlike myself, apparently). So now fast forward to today...I can't live with hating myself so much anymore. I don't think I can be happy in this relationship (and to be fair to him, neither can he). He is working now, (because I was able to get him a position at the company I work for). He is planning on moving out as soon as he can save enough money for first month's rent, and he has stopped contributing entirely to any of our current expenses. But in the meantime, he is so angry with me, I hate having to come home each day. I hate being at work, because it's hard to look "normal" when your personal life is such a mess, but I hate being at home even more, because of how angry he is. It is constant stress and tension. What I'm really scared of is how things will be once he does eventually leave. Financially, I cannot make ends meet. I believe I may have to declare bankruptcy, and even then, I don't earn enough to cover the basics for myself and my daughter. Emotionally/mentally, I know the situation will go from an already very bad one, to something even worse. Part of how I've been feeling for at least the last year is that nothing will ever get better. That life is essentially over now. And though things really suck right now, at least I'm not completely alone. I apologize for the length my post, and all the rambling bits of info in it. I don't even really know what I'm looking for here, but as I mentioned, I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff with. Any comments or input is very much appreciated... Edited January 26, 2013 by Ziggy459 Paragraph spacing
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