letter to my former...love

[fabi20]

it'll be three months since the break up in 2 weeks...i've been wanting to get things out for a very long time and contemplated sending him an email...i've already did all the wrong things by texting, being in denial and trying to see him for a while, until i found out from a mutual friend he has a gf...since then i haven't bothered him and it's been 20 days..

 

i want to know if i should email him and get stuff out or just continue what i'm doing and let him be...

 

this is what i've written so far

 

 

 

hey, hope you read this and take what i'm saying to heart

 

it's been a couple of months, and i've thought about a lot of things. i know i didn't take the break up as well as i wanted to. if you're totally past everything you're probably wondering why i'm still holding on to things, and why i'm emailing you...truth is, if i wasn't still thinking of things at this point then it would mean that you didn't mean much to me, and two years with you would be easy to forget, but that's not how i feel right now.

 

i feel like there were things left unsaid, and we never got to have a talk, a real talk about what was going on between us, so this is just my way of putting things out there and hopefully there is a mutual understanding...i feel like i've been left in the dark and i know i lost the right to know your thoughts and feelings so i don't expect you to answer. this is just my way of reaching out to you and hopefully getting rid of any misunderstanding with might have had

 

after looking back i know that i wasn't ready to be in a relationship, i might have been towards the end and wanted to really try, but, in the beginning i wasn't and it caused me to act in ways that might have made you feel unsure of things with me. in the beginning i had a lot of doubts, not because of you, but because of how i was feeling about my own stuff.

 

it wasn't your duty to fix me or try to figure out reasons why i did things i did or didn't do things. there are so many things i did and didn't do....i didn't know how to be in a proper relationship, and forgive me if i always blame my past for my short comings in terms of how i handled myself in our relationship, it really wasn't your problem, it was mine...i really hate what i had become after being with such a worthless, piece of ****, scum who never deserved me...i can't believe i still thought good about him up to a few months ago. i realize now that it caused me to lose you.

 

i know i made you feel like i wasn't proud of you, i've thought back to some instances were i acted pretty crummy, but it wasn't my intention. i was so proud of you and everything you've accomplished, so proud of how you treated me, and so proud of your character, i always told you, you were amazing. it hurts me now to know that i hurt you unintentionally, i never wanted to hurt you, and in turn i've only hurt myself.

 

i didn't talk to my mom about you because i never talked to her about anyone before since she was never interested because of my past...it was something i should've gotten over because you were someone she would've been happy to see me with. why i didn't get over that until it was too late i don't know. but when i talked to her about you she said you were a god send and that's all she ever wanted for me.

 

in terms of making you feel good in all aspects i did not do a very good job at that either, it could've been that i had so much going on that i did a lot to hinder our relationship. i wasn't the affectionate person i know i am, i didn't kiss you as often as i should've...a million times would not have been enough.... but more so, i know i didn't do a very good job at satisfying you physically, i acted like a gradma sometimes! and forgive me, but that's not how it was suppose to pan out, i think i had so much going on and we didn't see each other as much as we both wanted to so things turned out in a way they shouldn't have turned out. it doesn't make me feel good when i think back at some things i said or how i made you feel in the way i hardly initiated things or if i acted too conservative...it really took this to realize just how bad i had become at some points. it really is not how i wanted to be.

 

you know once you fall into a deep whole, it's hard to come out of it, that's what it kind of felt like...i did stuff to affect us and once it started, it was hard to over come it or change because i kept focusing on the negatives and what was wrong instead of everything that could've gone right if i had just let myself be and not worry or think about things i should'nt have been thinking about.

 

i also know i had a lot of negative emotions towards the end. i didn't see your side of things and i shouldve acted more like my happy self. i was complaining a lot about my job towards the end, and even about a co worker, who is actually now a really close friend of mine. it goes to show i had a big cloud of negativity over my head and i don't know if that was because i could feel something was terribly wrong between us and i was angry bc i didn't know how to deal with it, or it could've been something else. all i know is that i was angry and i don't know why.

 

i apologized to you before already...i just felt the need to write to you again because i wanted to tell you that i know i pushed you away. people say it takes two, but i honestly feel like it was all me, even though i shouldn't feel that way.

 

it really is something i wish i did not have to think about, to know i screwed things up between us...you were everything i ever wanted and i admired and loved you so much.

 

i could write you a four page letter and it would still not be enough to get everything i want to say out of my system. i've apologized for little things, and big things and everything in between...you really taught me how to love and what it takes to have a relationship...i learned too late but at least i learned. i don't think we we are too different, i think we are very much the same. i think i needed to learn how to be in a real relationship and i also think we always kissed and made up instead of talking about our issues...talking about our issues instead of doing whatever else we were doing would've gone a long way.

 

i'm working on getting myself back to how i was and focus on the good things that have come out of this. when you fell in love with me i was a different person than who i was in the end, i get that, and i'm slowly getting to how i was before and this time i won't let my past come back to ruin things or let life get too stressful to the point i take the important things for granted. i know it's too late for us now. you will always be someone i trust and respect and care about...i don't expect a reply from you, i just wanted you to take what i'm saying to heart because i have truly learned what i needed to, and regret many things...i just want you to know that

Edited January 25, 2013 by fabi20

[geegirl]

As much emotion as you put into this, please understand that he is far detached from it. It's long and drawn out and it will bear no effect on him. He may not even read the whole thing. And even if he does, you are in no condition to "talk from time to time" and he may not even want to do that for fear of jeopardizing his relationship with his gf.

 

You've apologized to him. Leave it at that.

 

If you're gaining new perspective and self-awareness, there is no need to announce it to him but use it to better yourself and move on. Your revelations about a past relationship have no bearing on someone that has moved on and is very much invested in a new relationship.

[arrowfoot]

Oh sweetheart, that is a beautiful letter.

 

But unfortunately, it won't be that to him. He's moved on and this letter will only push him farther towards his new flame. The feelings that he used to have for you, that formerly would have moved him while reading a letter such as this, are gone.

 

I've been there--if this is your thought process--trying to say everything I could to make him realize that he made a mistake. All I did was feel crushed. And my ex isn't even in a relationship! (At least...he hasn't told me he's in one...only he knows for sure.)

 

He knows you're hurting. You don't have to tell him. In fact, you said that you know you "lost the right to know how he's thinking and feeling"; how about HE lost the right to know how YOU'RE feeling when he decided he didn't want to be with you.

 

Keep something for yourself, don't give him anymore of your heart. He doesn't deserve it.

[Amelie1980]

I did it to an ex of mine many years ago. he never replied.... I never knew if he read it or gave a ****.

[fabi20]

i don't think he would reply, i would be very surprised if he did. it's just a way of me to get things out because i don't want him to think any worse of me.

 

i don't know how he moved on so fast...if it makes any difference, him and i have known each other for 17 years...we dated in junior high briefly...then again when we were in our late teens (briefly again before he joined the army) and again this time around for two years....it just feels like i let us down and when we finally got together it wasn't the right time again...

 

now that he has someone new, i feel like the way i treated him will work out to her advantage bc he's going to compare, and i wasn't very good with him, so even if this girl is not 'the one' it might feel like that to him

 

 

the letter is me hoping he knows we could have worked

[geegirl]

You want to get things out hoping it will maybe spark interest or make him revisit the possibility or maybe even ponder on what could be. This is no different from suffering that bout of denial.

 

You apologized. Nothing you can say and do at this point can control what he perceives you to be or how he views you. It's time to let it go.

 

This girl may or may not be what he wants but you have no control over someone else's relationship.

 

If the letter speaks of you wanting him to know that it would have worked out, please do not send it. The relationship is no more. It's in the past. He is with someone else. If anything, his efforts are towards working on his current relationship and not looking back to what could or may have been. He's moved on and it's time to let him be. You need to start healing and letting go of what was.

[cavalier99]

Nice letter. DONT SEND!

[na49]

That letter is so gooey and lovey it makes me sick! :sick:

 

Don't send it. I know you think it will help you move on. It may feel good right away to send it. Then you'll wait for him to respond. If he does respond, his answer won't be good enough for you and you'll look for another reason to contact him to clear up something he said when nothing he says should need to be cleared up. If he hasn't made it clear enough, he's f*cking someone else now! You're old news to him, but you'd probably make a really great friend of his! (NOT HAPPENING!)

 

Then if he doesn't respond. Oh you'll be climbing the walls wondering if he got the message or not. Maybe it didn't send. Maybe you should send it again just to be sure but add a bit more to make it more emotional. Maybe he read it but didn't respond. Why didn't he respond? Does he hate me? Is he mad at me?

 

The verdict: Don't save it. Don't tell him you're improving. Show him your improving by doing your own thing.

[boblet]

Oh wow.... I've gone through something similar with my BU, we were together 2 years too and I wasn't always negative and I kind of got into that cycle which ended up being one of the reasons we fell apart. I've been back and forth too about telling him how much he's impacted me and how much the experience opened up my eyes, how much I've learnt/changed etc. but do you really think he will empathize with how you feel now? If anything, I think it would only remind my ex of why he chose to end things, instead of looking at my sincerity and growth, and I think it would probably turn him off from me more. It could also make him think that you should have realized all of this earlier and acted on it

[Amelia81]

Problem with email is one click... and its sent. You cant undo it.

 

Ive purposely hand written letters with no intention of sending (in a diary for example) as a way of expressing myself. Just that alone can be enough to make you feel better so i don't think its wrong to have written a letter. You need to click delete now before you risk clicking send in a moment of madness. Print it off or write in a book if you want to keep it to reread what you've expressed if it helps you.

 

As others have said, he is with someone else now and nothing you can write to him will change that.

[Hopeful714]

Seriously, don't send this. When me and my ex broke up the 1st time, I wrote one of these letters and sent it in the mail. It wasn't that bad and sappy though.

 

The day after I sent it I had panic attacks at work and frantically started to call friends offering 100 bucks to the one who would drive by his house and pluck it out of his mail box. No takers...federal offense.

 

We ended up getting back together regardless of the letter and it still didn't work anyhow. Don't send it. Save your dignity. The thought that my letter sits in a box of "mementos" somewhere in his house makes me sick.

[fabi20]

thanks for the input. i guess i thought if i send it now it would be better than sending it next month or later since it's still a bit fresh. i just don't want him to think of me as this horrible person...

 

when he ended things he said i was a great girl but it felt like he was saying it out of pitty...he also said he would still be there for me if i needed anything. when i asked why we have to completely cut each other out of our lives he said, we are not completely," i just need time"

 

he wasn't honest with me about someone else. i'm still not 100 percent sure if this girl is his gf or even exists....a mutual friend of our (he's more my friend than his friend) told me, after i told him i would feel much better if i knew he had someone because it would make me move on....

 

i asked him if there was someone else when we broke up and he said no...it's really not like him to jump from one to another..i just feel like i pushed him to the point he maybe had to be with someone else who makes him feel good

 

 

it just sucks he couldn't give me the time to tell him things in person and have one last talk about us so that i didn't have to text him random apologies for two months...this letter just sums up what i want him to know if it's the last thing he remembers of me

 

 

i miss him so much im obsessed with picturing how it was when he was with me and going through every detail i should've or could've done to avoid this hell i live in now

[destroyed4sho]

Hi Fabi, I read your letter yesterday and have since been thinking about it. I don't know if you have sent it or not. But if you send it, it won't make a difference. Because he knows he hurt you, he will find it painful to read through the whole thing and guilty enough not to write you back. Anyway, I wanted to write something like this to my ex, but that was when I was in the "it was ALL my fault" stage. My therapist told me something that helped me see things in another perspective. It takes two to make a relationship work. Don't blame yourself for the relationship going wrong, it was 50% his fault and 50% yours. It can't be 100% yours no matter what you think or what you did. There were reasons that you acted the way you did, reasons you felt insecure around him, there was a reason you were a "grandma" in bed, etc. Deep in your heart you KNOW what the reasons are but are in the grieving stages and its blocking you from thinking clearly...I know, I am going through the same exact thing right now. But just realize it wasn't your fault. If he was such an upstanding guy, why didn't he resolve the problem rather than dump you?

 

Please give us an update on what happened.

[fabi20]

Hi Fabi, I read your letter yesterday and have since been thinking about it. I don't know if you have sent it or not. But if you send it, it won't make a difference. Because he knows he hurt you, he will find it painful to read through the whole thing and guilty enough not to write you back. Anyway, I wanted to write something like this to my ex, but that was when I was in the "it was ALL my fault" stage. My therapist told me something that helped me see things in another perspective. It takes two to make a relationship work. Don't blame yourself for the relationship going wrong, it was 50% his fault and 50% yours. It can't be 100% yours no matter what you think or what you did. There were reasons that you acted the way you did, reasons you felt insecure around him, there was a reason you were a "grandma" in bed, etc. Deep in your heart you KNOW what the reasons are but are in the grieving stages and its blocking you from thinking clearly...I know, I am going through the same exact thing right now. But just realize it wasn't your fault. If he was such an upstanding guy, why didn't he resolve the problem rather than dump you?

 

Please give us an update on what happened.

 

thank you, i did not send the letter and in a way i'm glad i didn't although i still think of doing it if i still feel the same in a couple of weeks

it does take two, i mean, at times i felt as though he didn't express his concerns until it was too late. sometimes when we would argue he would bring up things i had no clue about which had nothing to do with what we were discussing, which made the fights bigger

i just feel like i behaved in a way that was so unlike me, and due in part because while i was with this guy, i was still trying to get over my ex completely (hence why i wrote i hate who he turned me into) my last relatonship before this one was very toxic and i think i carried some of that with me still...when i tell people of our fights they are surprised bc they seem to be very bad and not healthy, and i hate that i did that...a lot of times we would fight and i would raise my voice or tell him i did not want to be with him (we had many little "break ups" that lasted a day) but never meant it....i never realized how bad it really was and the sad thing is that it didn't have to be that way bc all our arguments were petty.

 

it's hard to get over bc i will always wonder, what if i was ready, it could've worked..what if i didn't start that first fight...what if i wasn't hung over my ex still and actually enjoyed being with this great new guy. i feel like i didn't give it a real chance, so it's harder to let go

 

one of the things i keep thinking about what some things he said to me regarding sex that make me think maybe it still would not have worked out...granted, these things he said were all in the last 4 months of our relationship so i don't know if he said them because he truly meant them or if he was just fed up... i quote what he said "i'm jelous of my dad's and his gf's sex life bc they have more sex than we do, and he's 60 years old! my dad said if his gf ever didn't want to have sex with him that he would leave her." this was said during a fight about sex and how i'm always too tired and don't initiate it....

 

another thing he said, three months before we broke up was that he couldn't be with me if i did not let him finish in my mouth...i was shocked that he was giving me that ultimatum! and maybe it was just his way of pushing me away bc maybe at that point he didn't want to be with me...anyway, i started doing what he wanted me to, even though i was uncomfortable with it at first, but then got used to it...he still broke up with me three months later...sorry for blabbering on and on, just have so many thoughts running thru my head

[Pinky777]

My ex and I broke up about 2 1/2 months ago, and were actually on friendly terms until a horribly embarassing drunken incident a few weeks back - turns out I was not emotionally ready to be his "friend" - and we have not been in contact since. I do realize that our BU was due in part to both of us, but the end of our "friendship", if there ever was one, was 100% my fault.

 

So after 3 weeks of hemming and hawing, going over it in my mind, I sent him a short email apologizing for my actions when we had the fight and telling him basically I'm sad we aren't in conact anymore after all we'd been though and that I appreciated and loved our time together and I'd never forget him, but I needed some space but I do hope we can be friends in the future, blah blah. I don't know if my ex is in another relationship yet, I'm about 99% sure he's not, but I didn't want him to remember me the way he did the last time we spoke. I knew my email wouldn't provide me with much closure, but I felt like he deserved a true apology for that night at least and for me to say a few things I feel like I never got to say. I told myself I'd only send it if I was prepared he might not respond. I was just starting to feel better and figured I could handle it if he didn't.

 

A week later, now, he still hasn't resonded. I had hopes he'd call, or at least respond even with something negative like "I don't think we can ever be friends" or whatever. When we broke up, I told him I was worried that he'd never speak to me again and he said "I would never do that to you". Looks like that was a lie, or at least he decided to go back on that. It was quite an emotional setback, and I felt as upset as I did right after the BU, crying nonstop and feeling like I wanted my life to end. Looking back, I'm not angry at myself for sending the email b/c those things were eating away at me and I'm glad I got them out, but it's equally as hard on me that he hasn't even bothered to respond, I really thought he would. Is he not resonding because I asked him for space? Because he just doesn't care? Is he still mad? Is it because he doesn't know what to say? Has he blocked me or did he delete the email without reading it? I'll never know. I wouldn't say I absolutely regret sending it, but I would be much further along in my healing process if I just left it alone.

 

Reading over your letter, I would not send that to him because a, he's most likely still in another relationship, it's way too long and sappy, and it pretty much puts all the blame of the relationship on YOU. No matter what you did and you understand this, it's not your fault. Do you feel better for having written it and posted it here? I do hope so. I understand wanting to send it when things are still fresh, for you, but for him he's aleady moved on, as I'm sure my ex has as well. We are the ones still in pain, still needing closure, when they have all the closure they already need.

Edited January 28, 2013 by Pinky777

[fabi20]

I feel your pain. It's hard for me to grasp how a person can just forget about another and cut them out of their life after a break up...for me my bf was probably over me long before he ended it which made it easier on him and harder on me to deal with all this alone.

 

I won't send the letter as I know he'll just read it and delete it. I'm just so hurt he's going to compare her to me and she's going to seem so great, without me having a chance to explain myself and for him to know there were reasons and those reasons weren't bc we weren't right for each other.

 

I've known him more than half of my life, we have many mutual friends...i'm just getting sick of the thought of him and this girl lasting long and me having to hear all about it, it's going to bring back all these hurt emotions and feelings. I feel like i will have to get them out someday...i don't know..it sucks that he's always been in my life as a friend and now it's just weird...at least if he wasn't in a relationship i could call him and he would answer me sometimes instead of ignoring me like a total stranger...

[fabi20]

i'm also hurt bc he wasn't honest with me about him having a girl right after we ended it..it would have saved me lots of confusion and begging for the first cpl of weeks..i also already sent him an email three weeks into the BU stating all the fights we had and how sorry i was and they were all my fault!

i did that bc i tohught he was honestly hurt and couldn't take it anymore, i never thought he had a new girl..but my friend was kind enough to tell me, but i'm not "supposed to know about the new gf"

did he not tell me bc he knows he's in the wrong? does he not want me to know bc he was talking to her before when we were stil la couple? or does he just not want to hurt me more???

[destroyed4sho]

 

it's hard to get over bc i will always wonder, what if i was ready, it could've worked..what if i didn't start that first fight...what if i wasn't hung over my ex still and actually enjoyed being with this great new guy. i feel like i didn't give it a real chance, so it's harder to let go

 

one of the things i keep thinking about what some things he said to me regarding sex that make me think maybe it still would not have worked out...granted, these things he said were all in the last 4 months of our relationship so i don't know if he said them because he truly meant them or if he was just fed up... i quote what he said "i'm jelous of my dad's and his gf's sex life bc they have more sex than we do, and he's 60 years old! my dad said if his gf ever didn't want to have sex with him that he would leave her." this was said during a fight about sex and how i'm always too tired and don't initiate it....

 

another thing he said, three months before we broke up was that he couldn't be with me if i did not let him finish in my mouth...i was shocked that he was giving me that ultimatum! and maybe it was just his way of pushing me away bc maybe at that point he didn't want to be with me...anyway, i started doing what he wanted me to, even though i was uncomfortable with it at first, but then got used to it...he still broke up with me three months later...sorry for blabbering on and on, just have so many thoughts running thru my head

 

 

Its hard to get over because he hurt you. No matter how much you want to keep bashing yourself, the TRUTH is... you are on this forum, and you are here because you have been deeply hurt by someone you were in love with.

If you were in love with him that means you were ready for him, no matter how the relationship started, it evolved and progressed into something you were ready for. Stop the what ifs, you tried and you were ready. He wasn't ready. Stop blaming yourself.

 

The fact that his father would leave his gf if she didn't want to have sex sometimes really speaks to what type of family he is from and how he was raised.

 

And, the ultimatum he gave you 3 months before you broke up was just another way he was trying to break up with you. "Do this _____ or else we BU".....He didn't care about how you are feeling or your sexual needs. He wasn't romantic or respected your needs. Yeah, I think many women would of refused sex with him too. At that point, you complied because he already had the power over you and he was starting to bulldoze you. He sounds very manipulative, dishonest and selfish. (There! -- 3 things he is to blame for already and I only know a sliver of what happened).

 

Stop blaming yourself and give yourself some credit for fighting back. You held him at to your standards (rightly so) and he just couldn't meet them. That is why he left.

 

I think you dodged a bullet! I know you don't feel that way now. And I sure don't either. I am in pain as well and I cry EVERYDAY. I haven't been making progress but one thing I know for sure was that it wasn't all my fault. I started to blame myself for everything but when I started to write everything down on paper, I realized that the things I fought about was a direct reaction to the things that she did that were Unexplainable.....such as...sleeping in the same bed with one of her exes for a whole week....and saying that nothing happened? I believed her even thought its so hard to believe. But still, it angered me that she did that without telling me she is sleeping in the same bed. As a defense she said that she told me and that I forgot. But if she had told me something like that , I would not have FORGOTTEN it and I wouldnt of been happy about it.....anyway, I feel like she screwed with my head a lot and often I would become doubtful of my own reality. This was constant. I know that I also dodged a bullet there...but the pain is still there and its not getting any better.

 

And just forget about this other girl he has. I am sure he won't meet her standards either and they will just break up eventually OR maybe she has really low standards that he is able to meet. Who knows? There is someone for everybody right?

Edited January 29, 2013 by destroyed4sho

[fabi20]

Its hard to get over because he hurt you. No matter how much you want to keep bashing yourself, the TRUTH is... you are on this forum, and you are here because you have been deeply hurt by someone you were in love with.

If you were in love with him that means you were ready for him, no matter how the relationship started, it evolved and progressed into something you were ready for. Stop the what ifs, you tried and you were ready. He wasn't ready. Stop blaming yourself.

 

The fact that his father would leave his gf if she didn't want to have sex sometimes really speaks to what type of family he is from and how he was raised.

 

And, the ultimatum he gave you 3 months before you broke up was just another way he was trying to break up with you. "Do this _____ or else we BU".....He didn't care about how you are feeling or your sexual needs. He wasn't romantic or respected your needs. Yeah, I think many women would of refused sex with him too. At that point, you complied because he already had the power over you and he was starting to bulldoze you. He sounds very manipulative, dishonest and selfish. (There! -- 3 things he is to blame for already and I only know a sliver of what happened).

 

Stop blaming yourself and give yourself some credit for fighting back. You held him at to your standards (rightly so) and he just couldn't meet them. That is why he left.

 

I think you dodged a bullet! I know you don't feel that way now. And I sure don't either. I am in pain as well and I cry EVERYDAY. I haven't been making progress but one thing I know for sure was that it wasn't all my fault. I started to blame myself for everything but when I started to write everything down on paper, I realized that the things I fought about was a direct reaction to the things that she did that were Unexplainable.....such as...sleeping in the same bed with one of her exes for a whole week....and saying that nothing happened? I believed her even thought its so hard to believe. But still, it angered me that she did that without telling me she is sleeping in the same bed. As a defense she said that she told me and that I forgot. But if she had told me something like that , I would not have FORGOTTEN it and I wouldnt of been happy about it.....anyway, I feel like she screwed with my head a lot and often I would become doubtful of my own reality. This was constant. I know that I also dodged a bullet there...but the pain is still there and its not getting any better.

 

And just forget about this other girl he has. I am sure he won't meet her standards either and they will just break up eventually OR maybe she has really low standards that he is able to meet. Who knows? There is someone for everybody right?

 

thank you so much. i've been trying to see his faults in this also, it's just hard when you think so highly of them and the love you shared. i'm starting to see that maybe he has an emotionally controlling personality.he comes off as prince charming, really really strong, making all these promises but when it comes down to making the relationship work he didn't see past his needs. this is all clouded by the constant sweet things he would say though, i'm still not sure if this is just making up anything to make me feel better.

 

your ex should not have done that with her ex, and to tell you about it, seems like she enjoyed the attention at the cost of playing games

 

the thing with my ex is that he is so extreme to the point he would never even talk to me if he has a new gf, i don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing in terms of his controlling personality