Sparkle75 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Okay, here goes. I'm wondering whether anyone has any advice that they could offer me because I'm going out of my mind and don't know what to do. I'll try to make this as concise as I can... My dad is friends with a lovely couple and he introduced me to them a while back. I'm sometimes invited along when they all go out together and they have always made me feel as though I was one of their friends, and I know that they are fond of me. Recently I was introduced to their son and there was an immediate attraction. The problem is that he is 25 and I am 37, so there's quite a large age gap. Following a night out recently my dad, the couple, their son and myself all ended up at their house after a night at a restaurant, and we were all drinking and unfortunately I had a little too much and ended up going to sleep in the son's bed. He joined me, and nothing sexual happened (we were both fully dressed in bed all night), but the following morning he told me that he was really attracted to me and wanted something to happen. I was dreading seeing his parents, as I have so much respect for them and didn't want them to think that I was some horrible cougar who was closing in on their only child. Anyway, when I went downstairs and spoke to his dad, he was really lovely and normal and didn't seem to have a problem that we had spent the night in the same bed. I have seen the dad since, and he has been just as lovely to me as he was before. He even instigated a conversation with me, telling me all about his son's previous relationship and how terrible it had been (was this a warning to stay away?) Since this night things have developed between the son and myself and have moved onto a sexual level. I am really enjoying his company, however at this point in time it is all a secret, as I am terrified that if his parents find out they won't approve and it will spoil my relationship with them, and also their relationship with my father. There is also the small fact that my dad is not particularly fond of the son and I don't think that he would approve either (not that at 37 years old I should be worried about what my father thinks of my partners!). The son seems really into me, is incredibly sweet and attentive and has no issue with us being out together in public, but I am so scared about us being found out. He says that he doesn't care if we are, but despite the fact that I really want this to continue, I feel so guilty and feel as though I'm running the risk of ruining a friendship. I don't want his parents to think badly of me. I spoke to a couple of friends of mine about this and they said that his parents aren't stupid, and they must know that there is something going on - they introduced us, he is a grown adult after all, and we did spend the night in the same bed - and they have been fine about it. But I just don't know what to do and I would be so grateful for any advice as to what I should do. I'm seeing him tonight and am at a point now where I'm thinking of calling the whole thing off, despite the way I feel about him.
Cutiepie1976 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I would start by first asking what you want. You're 37. Are you looking for a fun fling? A serious relationship? "Forbidden" excitement? Only you know what you are actually looking for when you associate with a guy. Once you've figured this out, then look at whether this guy is capable of giving you what you need and want. Whether he is right for you. If he is right, then and only then, worry about dealing with everyone else. You are both competent adults, hopefully living independent (?) lives. Does this work for both of you? 1
Author Sparkle75 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 I would start by first asking what you want. You're 37. Are you looking for a fun fling? A serious relationship? "Forbidden" excitement? Only you know what you are actually looking for when you associate with a guy. Once you've figured this out, then look at whether this guy is capable of giving you what you need and want. Whether he is right for you. If he is right, then and only then, worry about dealing with everyone else. You are both competent adults, hopefully living independent (?) lives. Does this work for both of you? Hi, and thanks so much for your reply. To give you a little more background, I've been single for the past few years following a couple of bad experiences relationship-wise. I'm independent, own my own home, have a good education and career, and I'm at a point in my life where I believe that I want a relationship to compliment my life as it is, rather than being the sole focus of it, if you understand what I mean. And so I'm open to seeing what happens with this guy - if it's just a fling then fine, if it develops into something more then that's great. But I think the problem is getting off the starting blocks with it, because as his parents are so close to my dad, I'm scared of even getting the chance to find out what it could be, in case it ruins my relationship with them, and their relationship with my father. My friends are telling me that I should just enjoy it, but I hate the fact that we're sneaking around and I feel as though I'm lying to people (which I suppose I am) for fear of their reaction. Does that make any sense?
mustangguy29 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 There is no point keeping it secret, as his parents probably already know, and even if they do not, it will eventually happen. The age difference really is not a big deal by itself. The question is, do you both want the same things. It doesn't matter whether you both just want a little fun or you both want to make babies together, as long as you both want the same thing the age difference is not an issue. 1
mustangguy29 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 My friends are telling me that I should just enjoy it, but I hate the fact that we're sneaking around and I feel as though I'm lying to people (which I suppose I am) for fear of their reaction. Does that make any sense? It makes sense, but that is exactly why you should just be forthcoming. 1
Author Sparkle75 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 There is no point keeping it secret, as his parents probably already know, and even if they do not, it will eventually happen. The age difference really is not a big deal by itself. The question is, do you both want the same things. It doesn't matter whether you both just want a little fun or you both want to make babies together, as long as you both want the same thing the age difference is not an issue. Hey, thanks for your reply. The age difference doesn't matter to me (funnily enough my step-dad is 12 years younger than my mom and they have been together for 20 years) and it doesn't matter to him. I suppose it's the fact that it may matter to other people and they may feel that I abused their trust when they welcomed into their home by getting involved with their son. It's very early days I guess and I'm going to speak to him tonight when I see him and just have a conversation about this. It has got very intense very quickly and you're right, I need to know what his intentions are before this goes any further. But I have a feeling from other things that he has said that he would like this to go further. My sister has also suggested that I'm making too big a deal out of this and maybe I need to ask myself whether there are other reasons behind my misgivings. I've had a couple of really terrible (and one emotionally abusive) relationships, and that is the reason I've been single for so long, and she said that I need to ask myself whether I'm actually coming up with all of these reasons why it can't work or go any further because I'm actually just terrified of getting close to someone again in case I get hurt. Unfortunately my past history has meant that I usually tend to equate romantic relationships with heartache. I suppose she could be right, but I can't make sense of the way I'm feeling and the things that are going through my head.
Ami1uwant Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Cougar...what the long term prognosis of this relationship? Do you see getting married? If not you are wasting what left of your fertile years.
Author Sparkle75 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Cougar...what the long term prognosis of this relationship? Do you see getting married? If not you are wasting what left of your fertile years. Hi, as I say, this is very early days, we're only talking a couple of weeks. I really haven't had time yet to work out whether this is just a little bit of fun or whether it could go further. I suppose I'm just feeling bad that it has gone anywhere to start with, and the fact that it has could affect my relationship with his parents.
Cutiepie1976 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I agree with your sister. You do seem to be creating obstacles where none exist. Two adults ended up sleeping in the same bed after heavy drinking. His parents didn't give you the cold shoulder the next morning. From what you've described, you're the only person trying to turn this into a major deal. Are you trying to sabotage things before it goes anywhere? Are you trying to avoid getting hurt? Give your motivation for your reaction some thought. At the end of the day, avoiding hurt by sabotaging budding relationships and avoiding emotional intimacy won't get you to happiness and fulfillment. Learning from your experiences and picking better partners will. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Out of curiosity, why is his parents' approval of you so vital to you?
Author Sparkle75 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 I agree with your sister. You do seem to be creating obstacles where none exist. Two adults ended up sleeping in the same bed after heavy drinking. His parents didn't give you the cold shoulder the next morning. From what you've described, you're the only person trying to turn this into a major deal. Are you trying to sabotage things before it goes anywhere? Are you trying to avoid getting hurt? Give your motivation for your reaction some thought. At the end of the day, avoiding hurt by sabotaging budding relationships and avoiding emotional intimacy won't get you to happiness and fulfillment. Learning from your experiences and picking better partners will. Thanks so much for your advice Cutiepie, and when I think about it there is probably a lot of fear underlying this whole situation, and as you say, I could be subconsciously trying to sabotage this before it has even started for fear of being hurt. Over the past 2 years, any men I've been interested in in any way have been emotionally unavailable in one way or another (never actually "unavailable" as in "being involved with someone else - that's not me). And thinking about it, that was probably another way of subconsciously stopping myself from ever having to make myself vulnerable to being hurt again. I never intended anything to happen this time - they just did, and when I was least expecting it. And so I wonder whether now my instincts are going into a blind panic. And that is exactly how I feel - panicked. There is definitely something more to the way I'm feeling and I have to work out the reason I feel that way and why it's so ingrained. And in answer to your second question, I think I'm scared of upsetting his parents because they are really lovely people and I knew them before I knew their son (although I could never say we were really "friends") and I don't want to lose that relationship I have with them. Jeez, I really do have some issues don't I?
Ami1uwant Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 You have knowing his parnets how long? how long has your dad known them? The issue of the age difference is much more complicated because of your parents relationship. unless you see this as something long term ---dont bother . Rememember things might be good now...but hat happens when you are 50 and he is 38....he can easily trade you in for a 25-30 yr old.
Cutiepie1976 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Well my dad was in his 20's with tons of options when he proposed to my mom, who was 10 years older. Certainly marrying someone who is an age mate guarantees nothing. Tell that to Ivana Trump or even to her younger replacement, Marla Maples. Lots of people dump their same age or younger partners. You are either compatible or you aren't. The key is picking the right person for each other. Making life choices out of paranoia is counterproductive, solves nothing, and often results in suboptimal outcomes. Sorry.
Cutiepie1976 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 ...And in answer to your second question, I think I'm scared of upsetting his parents because they are really lovely people and I knew them before I knew their son (although I could never say we were really "friends") and I don't want to lose that relationship I have with them. Jeez, I really do have some issues don't I? You're welcome. If he's not worried about his parents, why are you? From everything you've said so far, they seem like perfectly reasonable people. They didn't have a conniption after you slept together. Why is the possibility that they might react negatively to their son dating you so important to you...more important even than him it seems? I'm still not getting it. Neither of you is in high school. They aren't a boss. You aren't even friends. Could you help us understand your concern a little better. Why the opinions of these non-friends matter so much more than his feelings about this?
FitChick Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 If he's not worried about his parents, why are you? Why the opinions of these non-friends matter so much more than his feelings about this? That's the heart of the matter.
Author Sparkle75 Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 (edited) Hey, just thought that I would give an update on the situation as so much good advice was given last time I posted. I gave some serious thought about my motivation for the way I was feeling about the situation, and it became clearer to me that I really was just trying to find an excuse to sabotage anything before it had even started because I was seriously afraid of getting close to someone and leaving myself vulnerable to the chance of getting hurt again. But I also realized, as some of you said, that unless I took that chance and opened myself up to the whole thing, then I would never be able to get close to anyone again. So I decided to take the chance I spoke to the boy last weekend and told him how I felt, and he was incredibly supportive and sweet about everything, and said that he wanted to be with me and that we would deal with anything together. So (deep breath) we told our respective parents about the whole thing and (as many of you suspected) they were completely fine about it!! So we're no longer sneaking around and trying to hide what's going on, but enjoying our time together. I'm still a little scared about what might happen, and of being hurt again, but I'm so glad that I came here and got some perspective on the situation before I did the unthinkable and ruined it all. Thank you all again for your kind words and advice x Edited February 1, 2013 by Sparkle75 Grammar
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