Author mr.mike Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 I'm going to work on my anger, criticism and depression for myself. I don't want to bring these qualities into another relationship.
aMguilts Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I'm going to work on my anger, criticism and depression for myself. I don't want to bring these qualities into another relationship. mr mike. You think you are all to blame and that by `working` on your lesser `qualities` in ANOTHER ???? relationship, it`ll be ok??? Did i just `hear` you right?? i hope not aM
Author mr.mike Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 No, I don't think I'm all to blame. But, I think I have some issues that need to be worked on. I'm saying that I don't want to have the same problems again in this relationship or the next if it comes to that.
aMguilts Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 No, I don't think I'm all to blame. But, I think I have some issues that need to be worked on. I'm saying that I don't want to have the same problems again in this relationship or the next if it comes to that. the `next` relationship? Forgive me , i`ve misread this totally. Here`s me getting the wrong end of the stick again.!!! DUH me!! You carry on with whatever you are doing mr mike. Whatever YOU think is right...will be. aM
Author mr.mike Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 (edited) I'm not thinking about having another relationship nor do I want one with anyone else. I was simply referring to a future in which my wife meant all that she said, doesn't want to fix our relationship and never speaks to me again. Edited January 30, 2013 by mr.mike
aMguilts Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I'm not thinking about having another relationship nor do I want one with anyone else. I was simply referring to a future in which my wife meant all that she said, doesn't want to fix our relationship and never speaks to me again. hope not, you`re still married aM
Author mr.mike Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 No, I'm not. Sorry if I gave that impression.
aMguilts Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 no problem never have to say sorry to me at all!! You are just in the wrong section. You will get more help in another section on here good luck to you aM
Chi townD Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 No, I'm not. Sorry if I gave that impression. So, you NOT married anymore? okay....well, time to move on dude.
Author mr.mike Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) So, you NOT married anymore? okay....well, time to move on dude. I meant "no, I'm not" as in I'm NOT thinking of having another relationship. Of course I'm married. Edited January 31, 2013 by mr.mike
aMguilts Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I meant "no, I'm not" as in I'm NOT thinking of having another relationship. Of course I'm married. mr mike. you didn`t make yourself clear in your posts. So, what now? What you going to do? aM
Author mr.mike Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) I met with a psychologist who specializes in anger and depression. He also does individual and marriage counseling. I'm going every week now to work on my issues. He didn't understand why my wife's psychologist didn't involve me in her treatment and progress. Also, my wife wouldn't talk to me about it either. She's going to find a new psychologist where she is now. Edited January 31, 2013 by mr.mike
Author mr.mike Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 (edited) What kind of effect will ignoring Valentine's day in two weeks and our anniversary the next month likely have on her? She loves holidays and gifts even more than most women, and she's gotten extremely upset and cried in the past if I didn't plan something perfect or I was late in celebrating. How do you think someone like this would react if I didn't even acknowledge those dates? Would it push her away even more and make her feel more justified in leaving, or would it just sadden her and make her see what she's missing? Should I completely ignore those dates? Edited February 1, 2013 by mr.mike
2sunny Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Yes, I'd ignore them. Unless you wish to look pathetic there's no reason to send gifts to a woman who tells you she intends to divorce you.
Author mr.mike Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 I don't think I will acknowledge those dates. My wife has contacted me everyday since she left by phone and text to first say she's sorry she hurt me, then she got a flu shot on our insurance, then she sent me signed paperwork for her car, and now she wants to know what to answer to a mutual friend's text. And she starts crying at some point during our conversations. I stay calm and listen to her, and I tell her I'll do whatever will make her happy. Should I just stop responding?
Steadfast Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 My wife has contacted me everyday since she left by phone and text...**snip**...I stay calm and listen to her, and I tell her I'll do whatever will make her happy. Should I just stop responding? No matter what, where, or whom, I think most people (especially women, who tend to see/feel the emotional side of things more) aren't comfortable with just dropping out of an ex's life completely. That's culture shock. Then again, she is doing what makes her feel better. It's for her comfort, or to relieve her guilty feelings. More than likely, she doesn't want you to hate her. Lots of people just cannot tolerate that. This was my ex-wife's biggest concern, despite us individually and as a couple, having much bigger problems to deal with. That, in turn, made me angry. She wanted all this stuff...and wanted me to like it. Or understand, or whatever. Maybe she wants you to fight for her? Who knows. In my opinion, love shouldn't be that hard. I hate games. Take her call, but here's the rule I used to communicate with my ex; when she started repeating herself, I shut the conversation down. In my mind, if she was going over old news it was because of her agenda. Many women, even exes, want to know if they still have power over you. If your feelings have changed. The trouble with that is what it does to the rejected. Here's a prediction: If you don't respond nicely, take her call or soothe her when you do talk, she's going to get angry and lash out. After that, she'll probably feel an intense desire for you again. I never thought in a million years that my ex would do this, but she did. I shut it down and moved on.
Author mr.mike Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the advice. I will keep our conversations short and to the point. I don't intend to relieve her guilt for her. I hate games too. Maybe she does want me to fight for her. She sure wanted me to fight for her more against my family. But, when she said it was over, and I said I wanted to fight to make it work, she said it was too late. How much she meant what she said is anyone's guess. I know that before we met she broke up with a psycho ex who threatened her and her family, but she got back together with him after a few months against her friend's and family's wishes until he kicked her out on the street. And before coming to this country she was engaged to a nice rich guy, but she called off the wedding during the planning phase because she wasn't in love. Maybe she needs to watch me fight someone to be impressed. Who knows. When she broke it off, she even said that if someone broke in the house she didn't think I would protect her. What's funny is that I've been in plenty of fights in the past. I guess it's too bad for her that I grew out of that ridiculous behavior in college 10 years ago. Apparently her father used to fight anyone that looked at her or her mother sideways. Maybe that's who she's looking for. Edited February 2, 2013 by mr.mike
FBROCK Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Wanting husbands to get into a fight with another man is the worst form of selfish narcissism. My wife pulled that **** with me when she had an affair with another man. Hell, she chased after him. When I confronted her about it, she asked me if I was going to confront him. Well, I did as the affair continued (not because of her suggestion) and it became just a huge shouting match that didn't solve a thing. The other man is NOT the problem. Your philandering wife is the problem.
Author mr.mike Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 (edited) What it comes down to is her wanting me to be more aggressive so that I make her feel safe and protected. I just wonder if she wants me to be aggressive now and fight to get her back. Edited February 2, 2013 by mr.mike
Steadfast Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 It doesn't matter what she wants Mike. You could give her exactly what she wants and be in the same boat you're in now six months later. That's the game when dealing with a selfish person. And going along with it, always trying to please them, only makes it worse. They'll only expect more. The key is making sure you're part of the solution, not part of the problem. Overall, she sounds extremely immature and controlling. The hard part is, when you pinpoint these issues and point then out, the first thing she'll do (because she's immature) is deny it. A person who truly seeks to improve themselves will understand criticism isn't always bad. My father used to say; "If I didn't care, I wouldn't bust your a$$ when you mess up." He was right. The issue: she's wrapped up in herself and doesn't respect you enough to realize that 1) Nobody's perfect (no such thing exists) and 2) Care is not always control. Constant, or vindictive criticism is wrong. It takes love and guts to lay a problem out to someone you love. Doesn't it? You always hope they'll take it the right way. And others probably hope you will too, when faced with a similar situation. It's true that if we dish it out, we should be ready to take it too. Fair is fair. My advice? Say; "Babe, I love you and want this to work. I'm willing, myself, to do anything I ask you to do. We have to grow up, be strong, loving, and support each other. If we can't do that we'll never make it." Hang in Mike. You're probably zeroing in on a lot of the issues. The good news? You'll likely learn a lot about yourself and come out a much better person, no matter what she does. Take advantage of every situation, good or bad, by turning it in your favor. Live and learn.
Author mr.mike Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Here's an update on my situation. I have been seeing a therapist every week for the past month, which has really helped me deal with my issues and also see my relationship with my wife from a new perspective. I have also been in contact with my wife at least twice a week since she left. She initiated most of the contact, including texting me "happy Valentine's day" and calling me once a week. But, while she says that she's still in love with me, she doesn't want to work on our marriage or return to this environment. She's planning to stay where she is and find a job, and she asked me for money and a TV in the meantime since she's broke. She says that she can forgive but not forget all the times I've hurt her. She wants her dream of a perfect marriage, house, ring, wedding and in-laws, and she doesn't think she will ever have that with me after trying for 3 years. My wife is planning to come here this weekend to meet with my therapist, but she says that it's not for marriage counseling. Her reasoning for the visit is to tell my therapist her side of the story and give me closure. She doesn't plan to return for more counseling. Also, she requested that I take her to her favorite restaurants and ice cream parlor while she's here. I really don't know what to think. She keeps in contact, cries a lot of the time, says she loves me but won't work on our marriage, says she's moving on but hasn't mentioned divorce, and she keeps asking me for things. What should I make of all this?
cyabye Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 (edited) Mike, If she is not coming to meet your therapist to work on your marriage, tell her not to bother. Your therapist is for you. Not for her side of the story or your closure. She told you she did not want to be married. That's enough closure for you. Anything else is bs and an insult to your intelligence. Don't give her anything. She's broke? Too bad, too sad. She made her choices (for the both of you). Mike, it took a long time for me to realize that I needed to man up. Be a man. At this point, your soon STBXW seems very toxic. Let her get a job and support herself. The sooner you cut her off and stop speaking to her, the sooner you start healing my friend. Hope this helps! cya P.S. Take her to her favorite restaurants and ice cream parlors? I thought she was unhappy there! I think you know the answer to this one.... Edited March 1, 2013 by cyabye
Author mr.mike Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 (edited) I understand what you're saying and agree. I guess part of me doesn't believe what she says completely. I don't know why she would want to come and stay here for few days, while revisiting our happiest places with me, unless she was interested in reconciling. She already told me what was wrong with our marriage, and I relaid the message to my therapist, so there's nothing new for her to say. She wants to come here, but from what she says it could be any time that works and it's only for closure part II. I am considering canceling her flight here. Edited March 1, 2013 by mr.mike
Mystery2Me Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Hi Mike, Very sorry I am that you are going thru this pain and CONFUSION. In my experience, and this will hurt, your wife is cheating and only is looking to you to finance her cheating. When she has taken everything...she will coldly cut all ties with you. She has told you point blank that regardless of loving you, she is done. So here is what she really asking: Husband I have no use for you anymore and no longer will fulfill any of your needs. However would you kindly give me money and material possesions to begin my wonderful life with my lover? My STBXH used the method of CONFUSION to ask me the same question, my answer has been...No thank you and keep it moving. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, but the only option. To acheive her goal she must keep you CONFUSED and unfocused on her harsh behavior; but rather happier times (e.g. resturants, ice cream palor). The only way to test your theory, is for YOU go 180 (purpose is not to get her back, but to level the playing field and regain control of yourself). First steps: -Agree that the marriage is not working and you are unhappy too -Stop the money and support (she is a grown woman, so take care of herself) -No dinners/ice cream palor (again stop the money) -Let her know IC only for you...she is not allowed -Marriage counseling is the option is she wants to join you I know this is very painful and you do not want this to be true, but look out for yourself. Be kind to yourself and Take care. ~Mystery 2
Author mr.mike Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 I don't think she's cheating on me. If she was, it would be much easier to let go of her though. She's spoiled and childish. That is why she keeps asking me for things and her request for the restaurants and ice cream. But, I agree that if she's set on not reconciling, it's time to cut her off completely. She is living 800 miles away in another state, so it's not difficult to avoid her. I've only seen her a few days in the past 2.5 months. I will ask my therapist what he thinks before she comes here. He already suggested meeting with her alone since she's not interested in marriage counseling. She was expecting to meet with both of us. He thought it was worth a try.
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