Wife won't come back. What do I do?

January 25, 2013

I talked to her. She said that she already planned to come here, so that's what she wants to do and doesn't want me to buy a ticket for her (she can fly discounted or for free using her Southwest friend though). She sounded better and said that she knows she's not easy to get along with sometimes. But, she did say she's been watching her "****ty shows", as she says I call them even though she made up that name, and she's been enjoying working out with her sister's partner because she's able to workout with someone else unlike when I don't join her at gym. So she's definitely showing some negative feelings for me. She did say "I love you too" when we hung up, but I don't know if she still means it...

huh?

give me time to decipher what you just said!!

aM

January 25, 2013

Maybe I could've typed that better.

I meant that I talked to her briefly on the phone. She's still coming here to have "the talk" tomorrow, and doesn't want me to pay for her flight here.

She brought up that I think the reality TV shows that she watches are ****ty. Also, I don't workout with her at gym here. But, her sister's partner does now, and she likes it. So, she was bringing up negative things she feels about me.

January 25, 2013

I talked to her. She said that she already planned to come here, so that's what she wants to do and doesn't want me to buy a ticket for her (she can fly discounted or for free using her Southwest friend though). She sounded better and said that she knows she's not easy to get along with sometimes. But, she did say she's been watching her "****ty shows", as she says I call them even though she made up that name, and she's been enjoying working out with her sister's partner because she's able to workout with someone else unlike when I don't join her at gym. So she's definitely showing some negative feelings for me. She did say "I love you too" when we hung up, but I don't know if she still means it...

hey mr.mike

in bold from top to bottom.

Listen to me... she`s coming to see YOU for a reason. Did you offer to pay for her ticket to come and see you?

She `knows` she`s not the easiest to get on with sometimes.. This is REALLY good, her admitting that, is good .

"****ty shows", ... listen, you may NOT like them, but SHE does, thats all you need to know. SHE likes them. They well may be ****ty to you, but SHE likes them. GOT IT? SHE likes them, and so should you;)

You don`t join her at the gym? I`m guessing again, correct me if i`m wrong, but she has asked you to join her in the past??

as for the last in bold,

So she's definitely showing some negative feelings for me

moving back to another state? hello? wake up call for you?? calling mr mike? Anyone there???

On the positive side... She did say "I love you too"

but you put... "but I don't know if she still means it."

I`m not having a go at you, but you are going to see her in a few days? she`s travelling 800 miles to see what?

A negative excuse for a husband or someone that is her husband?

aM

January 25, 2013

Maybe I could've typed that better.

I meant that I talked to her briefly on the phone. She's still coming here to have "the talk" tomorrow, and doesn't want me to pay for her flight here.

She brought up that I think the reality TV shows that she watches are ****ty. Also, I don't workout with her at gym here. But, her sister's partner does now, and she likes it. So, she was bringing up negative things she feels about me.

and you are feeding her `negative` things aren`t you?

aM

January 25, 2013

Yes, I offered to buy her ticket after she told me not to come there.

No, I don't like her reality shows, but I don't control what she watches. She just watches them by herself. We have different interests, but that's not a bad thing.

She works out by herself and has for years. I try to get her to go for walks with me and she refuses. She likes the gym, and doesn't seem to care if I join or not.

Traveling 800 miles isn't a big deal. She flies all the time back and forth. She hasn't explicitly said that she's moving out. But, I'm worried that she is just coming here to call it off, get the rest of her things and take off in her car. That's why I'm planning for the worst.

January 25, 2013

Yes, I offered to buy her ticket after she told me not to come there.

No, I don't like her reality shows, but I don't control what she watches. She just watches them by herself. We have different interests, but that's not a bad thing.

She works out by herself and has for years. I try to get her to go for walks with me and she refuses. She likes the gym, and doesn't seem to care if I join or not.

Traveling 800 miles isn't a big deal. She flies all the time back and forth. She hasn't explicitly said that she's moving out. But, I'm worried that she is just coming here to call it off, get the rest of her things and take off in her car. That's why I'm planning for the worst.

mr mike,

that IS the negative side of you.

Having different interests IS a good thing!!!,... when you call what she is `interested` in `****ty` thou... thats where you need to see the line that you just crossed. Between you and me , if it`s the `reality` shows that my wife watches too, i agree with you, they are F***ing ****ty!

She works out by herself and has for years. I try to get her to go for walks with me and she refuses.

you try and get her to go for walks?

Does she try and get you to go to the gym with her?

you never answered the question

This really gets me

"Traveling 800 miles isn't a big deal"

isn`t it? so she travels all the time? and YOU offered to pay for her ticket thou?? If it`s not such a great deal to her why would she even bother to come see you if the only reason was to get her stuff?

You REALLY think that she is just coming to see you to say to your face that it`s over??

REALLY??

aM

January 25, 2013

doesn`t seem like it, but i am on your side

aM

January 25, 2013

Instead of looking at this situation like some grand mystery, wasting breath and time talking and writing about it...why don't you just ask her? Like this:

"Wife, what do you want? Do you want us to be together?"

There are no magic words or formula to make a woman want you. Ideally, you want a woman who wants you. Who you are and how you are. That's why we must be genuine. Nothing kills attraction faster than being made a fool. If, for whatever reason, she feels you 'tricked' her somehow, then there is nothing you can do, or say. It's on her. It's in her. Not yours to fix.

A committed, loving wife will put up with an extraordinary amount of crap. Conversely, a woman can have a man trained to meet her every wish and need, and still dump all over him. With many people, (not just women) it isn't what you are, it's how you make them feel about themselves. A weak-woman's friends can destroy a marriage faster than any husband's affair. Naturally, a person of strong character is not swayed by such things. Loving the lovable is easy. Love is only tested by the unlovable.

Just ask her. We, all of us, can stand some improvement. Your record on sensitivity and/or following orders should not be made a condition. A weak or indecisive answer means whatever (or whoever) isn't ready to sustain a complete change quite yet. She might be thinking she doesn't want to burn any bridge until she's certain she won't have to cross back over it.

But it's all a guess. Ask her. And remember; no answer is an answer.

January 25, 2013

Instead of looking at this situation like some grand mystery, wasting breath and time talking and writing about it...why don't you just ask her? Like this:

"Wife, what do you want? Do you want us to be together?"

There are no magic words or formula to make a woman want you. Ideally, you want a woman who wants you. Who you are and how you are. That's why we must be genuine. Nothing kills attraction faster than being made a fool. If, for whatever reason, she feels you 'tricked' her somehow, then there is nothing you can do, or say. It's on her. It's in her. Not yours to fix.

A committed, loving wife will put up with an extraordinary amount of crap. Conversely, a woman can have a man trained to meet her every wish and need, and still dump all over him. With many people, (not just women) it isn't what you are, it's how you make them feel about themselves. A weak-woman's friends can destroy a marriage faster than any husband's affair. Naturally, a person of strong character is not swayed by such things. Loving the lovable is easy. Love is only tested by the unlovable.

Just ask her. We, all of us, can stand some improvement. Your record on sensitivity and/or following orders should not be made a condition. A weak or indecisive answer means whatever (or whoever) isn't ready to sustain a complete change quite yet. She might be thinking she doesn't want to burn any bridge until she's certain she won't have to cross back over it.

But it's all a guess. Ask her. And remember; no answer is an answer.

so why ask if thats the attitude to take??

aM

January 25, 2013

A committed, loving wife

what about a commiitted loving husband as the OP is?.

Door swings both ways does it?

There IS a `magic` word and or gesture you can do to save your marriage.

Or you can be hostile and `fight`. Yeah go for it. Ask her AS many questions as you like.

FIGHT or flight?

Phone her right now , like RIGHT NOW as you read this, and ask her " DO YOU WANT THIS MARRIAGE OR NOT???"

Why wait till she comes down? you want to know the answer now don`t you??

aM

January 26, 2013

No one is advising hostility. It's clear this man loves his wife. If he's able to express it to us, complete strangers, I'm confident he has expressed it to her.

There are no magic words. And even if they're were, you'd be a fool to use them. The best part about love is the magic that comes from someone choosing to love you. Of their own freewill. Flipped, it is the not choosing, or changing of that choice, that hurts the most. The key is accepting it.

My advice is to ask. To cut to the chase. Not demanding, but asking to be informed. If she's unwilling, he'll have to decide the best path to take. If she's direct, that's better. Even if it's not want he wants to hear. No answer is a cowardly response. Cowards fear. That's something worth knowing.

January 26, 2013

Her sister and I just exchanged a few texts. She says that my wife won't even talk to her, and that she's so unhappy, crying, and thinks she's fat and ugly. Her sister doesn't know what to do either, and she asked my wife why she won't talk to me or her. My wife said that she's tired of being criticized and hearing that she's making drama.

So it seems like my wife's recent behavior is mostly stemming from the tension between my family and her, and my reactions to it. I have told her in the past that she's overreacted to their comments and was causing drama, and so has her sister. We only meant to calm her down. My wife knows how to hold a grudge and gets easily angered, so it happens a lot. Also, my recent insecurity and criticism, due to the stress of all this and my financial situation, has pushed her away.

Edited January 26, 2013 by mr.mike

January 26, 2013

Her sister and I just exchanged a few texts. She says that my wife won't even talk to her, and that she's so unhappy, crying, and thinks she's fat and ugly. Her sister doesn't know what to do either, and she asked my wife why she won't talk to me or her. My wife said that she's tired of being criticized and hearing that she's making drama.

So it seems like my wife's recent behavior is mostly stemming from the tension between my family and her, and my reactions to it. I have told her in the past that she's overreacted to their comments and was causing drama, and so has her sister. We only meant to calm her down. My wife knows how to hold a grudge and gets easily angered, so it happens a lot. Also, my recent insecurity and criticism, due to the stress of all this and my financial situation, has pushed her away.

January 26, 2013

mr mike,
that IS the negative side of you.

Having different interests IS a good thing!!!,... when you call what she is `interested` in `****ty` thou... thats where you need to see the line that you just crossed. Between you and me , if it`s the `reality` shows that my wife watches too, i agree with you, they are F***ing ****ty!

She works out by herself and has for years. I try to get her to go for walks with me and she refuses.

you try and get her to go for walks?
Does she try and get you to go to the gym with her?
you never answered the question

This really gets me
"Traveling 800 miles isn't a big deal"

isn`t it? so she travels all the time? and YOU offered to pay for her ticket thou?? If it`s not such a great deal to her why would she even bother to come see you if the only reason was to get her stuff?

You REALLY think that she is just coming to see you to say to your face that it`s over??

REALLY??

aM

I agree that different interests is a good thing, and that I shouldn't put down the shows she watches. But, it's hard because I'm a filmmaker, and she doesn't like movies all that much.

She asked me to go to the gym a couple times with her friend pass, but never insisted. I have a home gym, so I told her that I would just use that.

What I fear is she's trying to cut off my financial support by not taking my offer to buy her ticket. I mentioned earlier that she can basically fly for free because of her Southwest Airlines friend. She also didn't withdraw money from our account that she asked for a couple weeks ago and I told her to take. I'm worried that she's looking for financial independence from me.

It's possible that she wants to call it off face to face, and then get her things and go while she's here.

Edited January 26, 2013 by mr.mike

January 26, 2013

Try to be as understanding as you can and comfort her. Dot be clingy and demanding cause it will push her away. Just take your time, let her come back to you slowly. It's hard on you. Of course. I think she needs more help for sure. It's hard to cope being away from everyone. I think she will come around. I really hope so. my ex bf went up to "visit" and never came back. So torn

January 26, 2013

I agree with whomever said you just need to talk to her when she comes back. Be a man, just say, is this working for you? Is this something we can fix?

Whatever you do, do it with your head held high. Getting mopey and begging is a turn off.

I suggest also that you keep everyone else out of your business. If your wife is trying to get distance and perspective where she's at, you talking to her sister isn't helping your case. You are putting people in the middle.

January 26, 2013

I won't be talking to anyone else besides my wife about this anymore. Her sister is very fair and levelheaded, so I just wanted her perspective. We've chatted in the past about my wife's depression. We agreed that she wouldn't get involved, and she will support whatever my wife decides.

Edited January 26, 2013 by mr.mike

January 26, 2013

Here's some additional perspective on my life with my wife.

I told her to find a job when we moved here, especially to get her out of the house and to meet new friends here, which would also help her depression. At first, she looked for jobs, but after a couple weeks of trying she gave up and has had excuses ever since. I work from home and she's around me 24/7, which I feel is too much.

She is a princess type and has always been taken care of, but she did have a part time job before we moved here. She does do all the household work and cooking. I do the bills and house projects. Her depression has made our sex life worse, which I regretfully complained about. She has little or no interest in my interests. We watch TV in separate rooms. She loves to get out of the house and go places, especially where she can dance. The problem is that going out to bars and to eat all the time costs too much. I didn't have a problem with her not contributing financially as long as she had a part time job to keep her busy. But, my income has since decreased and resulted in a lot of stress on me.

January 26, 2013

Your story reads like two people who have no idea what marriage is about.

To be fair, few really know what a life together will be like until they're actually living it. One thing is certain, if a man and a wife don't have the same financial views, goals and direction, you've got lots of trouble.

Not trying to be sarcastic, but does anyone talk about this stuff while dating? Seems a pretty simple concept to make clear what you want to do and how you want to do it. And while people can change their minds on things like careers and wanting kids, the major goals and direction must be in place.

Talk to her. Time to open the windows and let some fresh air in. One thing I would apologize for is ganging up on her...getting mutual friends/family to side with you on things that only you two should discuss and decide. Why do I get the impression you're a bit of a control freak Mr. Mike?

No one is perfect.

January 26, 2013

We did discuss our financial situation before marrying. I agreed to take care of her financially as long as she would get a job. But, my income has since decreased.

I agree that I shouldn't get other family involved. I told her sister that I didn't want her involved. She had asked me in the past about my wife's unhappiness. But, you're right that I shouldn't have even been texting her.

Edited January 26, 2013 by mr.mike

January 27, 2013

I haven't heard from my wife yet about when she's going to be here today. I was thinking about what she told me about having plans to come here, and that she said she would call me late tonight or early tomorrow. She may not be flying standby to come here and talk, which I just assumed. She might be driving, which would mean she borrowed a car and is coming to get her things and leave. This would also mean that she's very determined to leave if she's driving 800 miles back and forth.

January 27, 2013

She did drive the 800 miles here. Will be here soon. Ugh.

January 27, 2013

My wife and I talked. I remained calm and listened. She told me everything that's been bothering her with our relationship and cried through most of it. She says it's half my family and half me, and she went through a list of why. She dreams of a happy life with her in-laws, but said she will never have that with me. She thinks my mother and brother hate her and always will. She also thought that I never stood up to them enough when defending her. She says that they've caused our relationship to go down and down.

As for me, she said I've been overly critical of her repeatedly over the past 3 years about her clothes, body, our sex life and even her choice of shows she likes. She says I don't take her out to dance enough, and I'm unhappy when I do. She brought up trips that we've taken that she didn't think I was excited for. She's been waiting for me to give her a dream wedding because we eloped when we got married. She feels that I haven't been trying to have the wedding and get her new ring because I've bought other things instead, and she's been waiting 3 years. She thinks I'm too impatient and get angry as a result, which pushes her away more and more.

She doesn't think I will change. She thinks I will always be too impatient and critical. And she knows my family will never change. She said that she doesn't want me or my family to change if we tried because she thinks it would be fake and not a natural change.

She's given up on me. She says things have gone too far to where she doesn't care anymore. She won't see a marriage counselor. She's done with me.

I'm heartbroken. We both still said we love each other. I got a little emotional because I know my impatience and criticism is coming from my financial and family stress, and I told her that I wish she could see that and let me get help. I know I've wronged her so many times. I've been under constant stress since we got married, and I have plenty of low points where I lash out. I haven't been the same person she first met. I don't have enough money for her dream wedding and ring. I know I need help and want to get it. She said it didn't matter and it's too late. I asked her to at least take some time to think about what I said and not make a decision yet. She said her mind was made up before she came to talk. She wants to end it. Once she makes up her mind that's it.

We ended our talk calmly. We hugged a few times. I told her I love her and hope she will at least consider what I said about getting help. I don't think she will change her mind. I think it's over. She's taking her things and leaving tomorrow. I feel like such a fool and a jerk.

Edited January 27, 2013 by mr.mike

January 27, 2013

My wife is packing everything of hers and leaving. She's signing over her car to me. She returned her Xmas present from me that can only be used here. She won't reconsider anything from our talk. The only thing she said she might do is see a marriage counselor once to give me closure but not to fix our marriage, which I asked for.

Edited January 27, 2013 by mr.mike

January 27, 2013

My wife is packing everything of hers and leaving. She's signing over her car to me. She returned her Xmas present from me that can only be used here. She won't reconsider anything from our talk. The only thing she said she might do is see a marriage counselor once to give me closure but not to fix our marriage, which I asked for.

Mr mike

I`m sorry . She has been honest with you in the way she feels and i know what you are going through.

There is NO point in going to a marriage counselor just for her to tell you its over. you know that already. save your pride.

She has said a lot of things that has obviously hurt you, and from your post you are blaming yourself for a lot of it.

Please , please, oh please, DO NOT blame yourself. I know you can`t see it now but in a while you will see that she was just as much to blame .

I`ll wager a bet that in about a months time(give or take a few weeks)

That you will be seeing it the other way around.

Keep posting

Hugs

aM

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