Stay or go?

[HeySandy]

I have no idea what to do and would live some advice.

I have been with my man for ten years but don't think I have ever loved him. We met as housemates and sort of fell together. We both have one boy each from a previous relationship. I am a pretty good step mum to a good step son. My partner is a pretty bad step dad to a pretty bad step son. We also have two children together and my partner is a good dad to our kids.

I don't love this man and I'm not at all attracted to him. He is mean to my first born and mean to our dogs. He is mostly nice to me and while I do care about him, theres just nothing there. He came into the relationship with nothing and while I love work and make a good wage, he hates work and had no financial skills at all. I stay up late, he goes to bed early. He can't sleep with light or noise, I can't sleep in the quiet dark. I have an active mind, he prefers not to think far past sport and fishing. I am ambitious, he wants me to be ambitious so he doesn't have to work. I like to talk things out, he likes to ignore them and forget. He has betrayed my trust a number of times, I would never. He wants sex all the time, i have to force myself to keep him happy once a week. We are so different, it's ridiculous. Having said all that, I don't mind being with him but I just feel there just be more to life than spending it with someone you know you will never love. Am I wasting my life and his. Shouldn't we both deserve to be in a loving relationship?

[Later82012]

Read what you have written here a few times and you have your answer.

[mustangguy29]

It sounds like you don't love him and never did, but the situation was convenient for a while, and the inertia of the situation kept you going for a while.

 

That said, the sooner you leave the better for everyone involved.

 

You are so obviously unhappy that there is no logical response other than leaving him.

 

You are not doing him any favors by staying with him.

He probably has his own issues, but I guarantee you that part of him knows that you don't really love him and that probably hurts him a lot, which only makes him a worse man/father/lover/etc.

 

Leave him.

[sLiPpeTh]

I think you should do the honorable thing. Since you've basically lied to the man for so many years. "Let him go." So that he has the opportunity, to move on to someone or something that is genuine and sincere.

[HeySandy]

Thanks for the advice. I should mention that I havent been lying to this man. I have tried to leave three times but he wouldn't let me take my kids and wouldn't let the removal guys in. He also wouldn't leave. I moved out a few years ago when he was away but I went back a year later because he really did make a huge effort to change and as he made alot of changes in his life, i thought we could make it work. He knows I don't love him and I have rejected his marriage proposals. I have also told him many times that I think we should both find someone who can love us the way we want to be loved. But he is relatively content with things aside from not having much intimacy.

[Darren Steez]

Wow sLiPpeTh kind harsh..you make it sound like she's cheated on him

 

Thing is she's being honest with herself, instead of lying about the situation and hoping everything works out.

 

Look lady, we get into relationships and guess what sometimes we grow out of them. You flag up differences you've noticed over time and are not comfortable with. If you feel you're not compatible then just walk.

 

You owe it to yourself, and to him (maybe once the breadwinner leaves home, he can finally learn to stand on his own two feet)

 

Go be happy

[BetrayedH]

I never understand this "I don't love him and don't think I ever have" business. Do you make a habit of having not one, but two, children with people you don't love and never did? Seriously. Do you have sex, children, and move in with people you don't love and never did?

 

Do you expect to just take his kids away? What exactly was your plan? What is your plan? Is anything about it fair to the father of those children? Do the children get a vote about losing their father (which I assume will happen at least 50% of the time)?

 

You've gotten yourself into one hell of a mess here so let's stop just blaming your partner for liking sports and fishing. You need to hold yourself just as accountable for this mess or your children will be the ones to continue to pay the price. Will they be getting daddy #3 next?

[HeySandy]

Thanks for your reply BetrayedH. It's difficult to understand other people's actions without knowing the full story and I have only posted a general description in order to help me work out what to do.

 

To explain why my first marriage went wrong. I thought my first husband was my sole mate. I loved him with all my heart. We were together for ten years and he had problems. He was abused as a child and as a result escaped with alcohol and promiscuity. I helped him through a lot and I believed in 'for better or for worse'. When he went DUI three times in a month, I bailed him out. When I caught him out on the town without his wedding ring on, I tried to understand and we talked things out constantly. When I was 8 months pregnant and he came home from a business trip madly in love with a 19 yr old he'd met, I helped him track her down because he was going out of his mind. She shut the door in his face and I helped him get over it. When my son was 3 months old and he didn't come home 6 nights out of every 7, I started to reassess. I organised counselling for him and I stood by him. His counsellor told him to keep a diary to help him with his thoughts. What started to make me lose faith in the relationship was seeing the page in his diary (that he let me read) that he listed my son and I as his 12th priority behind spending more time with his best friend and getting a better car to name a few. What really killed the relationship was seeing his affirmation of 'trying his best to be monogomous' with a comment in brackets that said '(but if I can't, I will just accept that is who I am and live with it)'. I soon learnt he had slept with three of my closest friends and several other people unknown to me and he hated using condoms. I left him because my son was more important to me than standing by someone who was putting me at risk of STDS - he really only cared about himself.

 

I stayed single for the next 4 years because I didn't want to bring anyone into his life unless it was a permanent thing. Someone broke into our house one night and I couldn't sleep at night after that so I advertised for a house mate. This is how I met my partner. We were both lonely and after 6 months, we sort of just happened. I was smittent because he was amazing with my son, his son became my son's best friend and he seemed like a really great guy. After a few months we talked about things and realised that we probably didn't have a future as a couple. We only slept together a couple of times but I fell pregnant so we decided to try to make it work. I then found out that he was a pot smoker (several times a day). I should have known given he was very placid all the time but I had never been in contact with anyone who smoked and I honestly didn't know. So without giving you the next several years history, I spent a lot of time trying to get him off the stuff and all the while, his motivation for work etc was getting worse and worse. I resented him but couldn't get him to leave and he wouldn't let me leave. I finally left him (I'm not proud of this) when he was out of town for a weekend. As a result of leaving him, he gave up smoking, started working and became a much better person for it.

 

I thought that the smoking was most of the problem so after a year, we tried to make it work again and I fell pregnant with my youngest. I know this wasn't the most sensible thing to do but it wasn't planned. He has been an ok partner but my eldest son is troublesome and the relationship he has with him is horrible. My family blames my partner for my son's problems - I don't blame him entirely but he certainly makes it hard for my son and this doesn't help. I constantly catch my partner accessing internet porn (I can accept this) but I have also found out that he has called escort agencies numerous times and at one stage he was a member of an online sex finder site (long story that I won't go into though). He can hold down a job when he puts his mind to it and he's a good employee but he spends his pay as soon as he gets it and lets me look after the household financials. He has never had savings. I am a 'rainy day' person whose 'rainy day' bank account has diminished to 20% of what it was 5 years ago to pick up the slack that he doesn't.

 

I live in a respectable neighbour hood and run my own professional consulting company. I have worked hard my whole life. I own my own home and my children go to good schools. I cook healthy meals and am quite well known socially for my baking skills. I lost my virginity to my first serious boyfriend when we had been together for 2 years. After that, the only other person I slept with was my ex hubby and my current partner. I tell you this to explain the sort of person I am.

 

I don't want to take his kids away. In a perfect world. he would move in next door to me and we'd be the best of friends while sharing the care of our children. I can't see myself with anyone else and I'm not pining for a god like man to come and save me. I just think that two people who don't love each other might find happiness in going their separate ways but I don't really know. This is why I have asked the question.

[HeySandy]

I should also mention that his ex wife and I are good friends and we are both a little frightened of who he would wind up with if not with me. I know that sounds terrible but his last few girlfriends have not been the sort of people that you would want around your kids. One was a pot dealing stalker who threatened to kill my son when she found out my partner was with me. One of the other girls had to be committed and her own son was taken away from her because she was a basket case. The third one had 4 children to 4 different men, had never had a job and spent all her time gambling while she put her kids in daycare. Frightening stuff.

[HeySandy]

Oh wow. Now I feel really bad for painting such a horrible picture. My partner is a great dad to the two children we have together and to his first born. It's hard to know why the relationship with my eldest is so strained. I honestly don't know if my son's issues come from not feeling loved by his step dad or if his step dad doesn't love him because he's such a handful. I imagine it would be very difficult to bring up a child who isn't your own and behaves as badly as my son. He is 12 and has already had his first big drunken binge, stolen my car and crashed it (20k damage) and run away several times.

 

I think that if I left him, he would make every effort to see the kids as often as he could but probably wouldn't help financially. His ex and he split up when his son was only 2 and he has always had him every second weekend and school holidays.

 

I'm not defending the bad parts but simply pointing out he really is a loving father who adores his kids. He doesn't really drink or gamble but he's just one of those people who gets paid and then spends it all - it could be buying lunch and coffee every day, paying a fine, buying some fishing gear or giving his teenage son a hundred here or there. Oh and not to forget signing up for ongoing monthly services like a fitness program, or some xxx enlargement pills or something else. He lives week to week and usually falls short.

[Ladybugz]

Hmmm its weird that now you see all of that/

Like where were you when you was dating him?

OR did you not even spent a seond getting to know him and

jumped right into bed?

 

Im more worry about your first born.

Cause he will have a bad adult life true this.

Cause he will remember you bringing a strange men and

letting him treating him bad.

 

And there will be a lot of anger between the 2 others and him.

Blaming it to eachother.

 

I think you are the adult and you choose your own

dudes.

But that kid did not choose him,

SO you should be protecting him from this dude.

 

Once you have kids its not about you anymore.

But about what is right for the kid

And i guess you wasnt really thinking about that once you

let that men in your first kids life.

 

And he dont do notting cause you take care of it anyway.

So you need to do what you have to do .

Rather it is devorce or therapy.

[Ladybugz]

And almost always a kid is not behaving bad out of the blue.

Often its pain and hurt they have deep inside that you dont see.

 

Maybe you should have a talk with your son alone maybe away from home.A open and honest talk. and see

what he will tell you.

And who knows what that men did to him(knowing the wel known storys about stepfathers)

 

And do something right with what he tells you. And keep the door open for when ever he feels like he wants to open up to you.

 

Kids in his possition can easily feel abondoned or left out 2.

 

And no kid wants a strange men to come in and tell them what to do.

So the stepdad most know his possition some how.

You cant come in and force the kid to call you or see you as his dad.

[Turtles]

It sounds like you don't love him and never did, but the situation was convenient for a while, and the inertia of the situation kept you going for a while.

 

That said, the sooner you leave the better for everyone involved.

 

You are so obviously unhappy that there is no logical response other than leaving him.

 

You are not doing him any favors by staying with him.

He probably has his own issues, but I guarantee you that part of him knows that you don't really love him and that probably hurts him a lot, which only makes him a worse man/father/lover/etc.

 

Leave him.

 

What this guy said.

 

To stereotype, the guy will probably be very happy with more of a "trailer girl" type. You'll be very happy with a "white christian conservative" type. Everybody wins and the kids don't grow up thinking it's normal for mom to "tolerate" dad.