My husband cheated on me ..

[Ath75]

Hello all ..

It has been 1 month and 5 days since I discovered that my husband - with whom I am married to for 7 years and we are together for 11 years and have two children 7&4 years old - is cheating on me .. I found a message on his cell phone and one message on his facebook profile ..

I confronted him and he didn't deny anything .. It is/was going on for a month and she is married and has a young child too .. she is living 4 hrs away from where we live and he says that they only had sex once ..

I have lost everything ever since I saw the message and ever since my husband told me that they had sex .. At first I wanted him to pack his bags and leave the house immediately but he didn't leave because he doesn't want to live the children and because he didn't want me to accuse him that he left us .. after taking some time to think about it I realised that I love this man .. yes we had our problems, yes he cheated on me but I love him .. I asked him if he regrets what he did and he doesn't answer .. I asked him if he is ever going to have sex with her again and he doesn't answer .. I asked him if it is over between them and he says yes .. but I don't get all the answers I want .. he says that he is sorry for hurting me but I will never get through this and that I will always remember her text and it won't be easy for us to be together .. I started therapy with a psychologist because all these are too much for me to handle by my self and I told him to come with me but he refused .. I started the therapy because I really want to get over it and keep my family together .. but I am not getting my answers .. he says that it won't make a difference if I knew where they met, exactly when they had sex and how was it ..

Honestly, I am so so SO very confused and I feel SO alone .. Last night after my decision, he had sex .. he was very gentle, he was kissing me, touching me, in a way that I thing he was saying I am sorry ..

I really don't want to lose him, but I have these bad butterflies in my stomach and this thing in my heart and this bitterness on my chest that are just killing me .. honestly I just want all of this to stop!!!! I blame myself for not giving him the attention he needed and I blame myself for being so egoist and didn't care about his feelings .. but during our 7 years of marriage he neglected me and our children and he only cared about his laptop and his games .. and when he changed, I wanted to give him a lesson for what he did to me over the years .. but he decided to punish me for that by making out with another woman ..

 

Now, I just want all these bad feelings to go away!!! I cannot take care of my children or my house or my job and of course not even me .. It s awful, I just want to lay under my bed covers and cry .. I love him but he also cheated on me .. I am so very confused ..

[SunshineToday]

Hi,

 

Sorry for what you are going through. Glad you are seeing a psychologist.

 

Just to be on the safe side, I would not have sex with him again until you both get an STD test.

 

And I really would tell him, it's me or the highway. Your marriage has no chance unless he cuts all ties with this OW and gives you and your family his 100% attention. No chance if she is in the picture.

 

And the having sex only once thing? Well as a former cheater--let me tell you: ALL CHEATERS LIE. So I wouldn't be believing him on that, just yet.

 

He is kissing you, saying sorry..so obviously he doesn't want to leave you, but you can't sit back and let him eat cake. No. Sometimes you have to be willing to lose everything to gain. Time for a change in your attitude!

 

And if you do reconcile--it takes a long time to get over betrayal. Time is your friend. So don't rush it.

[Summer Breeze]

Hello all ..

It has been 1 month and 5 days since I discovered that my husband - with whom I am married to for 7 years and we are together for 11 years and have two children 7&4 years old - is cheating on me .. I found a message on his cell phone and one message on his facebook profile ..

I confronted him and he didn't deny anything .. It is/was going on for a month and she is married and has a young child too .. she is living 4 hrs away from where we live and he says that they only had sex once ..

I have lost everything ever since I saw the message and ever since my husband told me that they had sex .. At first I wanted him to pack his bags and leave the house immediately but he didn't leave because he doesn't want to live the children and because he didn't want me to accuse him that he left us .. after taking some time to think about it I realised that I love this man .. yes we had our problems, yes he cheated on me but I love him .. I asked him if he regrets what he did and he doesn't answer .. I asked him if he is ever going to have sex with her again and he doesn't answer .. I asked him if it is over between them and he says yes .. but I don't get all the answers I want .. he says that he is sorry for hurting me but I will never get through this and that I will always remember her text and it won't be easy for us to be together .. I started therapy with a psychologist because all these are too much for me to handle by my self and I told him to come with me but he refused .. I started the therapy because I really want to get over it and keep my family together .. but I am not getting my answers .. he says that it won't make a difference if I knew where they met, exactly when they had sex and how was it ..

Honestly, I am so so SO very confused and I feel SO alone .. Last night after my decision, he had sex .. he was very gentle, he was kissing me, touching me, in a way that I thing he was saying I am sorry ..

I really don't want to lose him, but I have these bad butterflies in my stomach and this thing in my heart and this bitterness on my chest that are just killing me .. honestly I just want all of this to stop!!!! I blame myself for not giving him the attention he needed and I blame myself for being so egoist and didn't care about his feelings .. but during our 7 years of marriage he neglected me and our children and he only cared about his laptop and his games .. and when he changed, I wanted to give him a lesson for what he did to me over the years .. but he decided to punish me for that by making out with another woman ..

 

Now, I just want all these bad feelings to go away!!! I cannot take care of my children or my house or my job and of course not even me .. It s awful, I just want to lay under my bed covers and cry .. I love him but he also cheated on me .. I am so very confused ..

 

I'm sorry for what you're feeling right now. You'll get some great advice and support here. I do have one question about the bolded. What do you mean you wanted to give him a lesson? What did you do? It may have nothing to do with anything but I couldn't help wonder how things had deterioriated, if they actually had.

[NotCamelot]

I am so sorry to hear your story. Pretty much everyone here has been through what you are going through.

Lot's of good advice here. You are going to here a lot of suggestions. Take the ones that make sense to your situation. I believe all situations have their own unique dymanic.

 

My advice to you is to immediatley contact the OW(other womam)'s husband and let him know what you found out. He deserves to know just like you did. You may find an ally, like I did. Regardless, she should be revealed to her husband. It may not be easy, but you will be glad you did.

 

Take one day, each minute, one at a time. Think clearly before you speak and act. If you really want to stay with him it won't work unless he wants to as well. You have a lot of tough days ahead and it will be a long time before you feel better.

 

In the meantime, concentrate on YOU and your children. Make him prove his love to/for you. And he has to do the majority of the hard work now.

 

AND......do NOT accept fault for what HE did. He had a choice. You did not send him to her. This is ALL his fault.

 

Now the marrieage problems, and, yes, there were some, are the responibility of the both of you. But that was no reason for him to cheat on you. He had the ability to leave and divorce you if he was unhappy. But he did not.

 

So, be strong, cling to your children. You'd be surprised how aware kids are when things are not right.

 

You WILL get through this and there will be a day when you feel good again.

[Steen719]

Hello all ..

It has been 1 month and 5 days since I discovered that my husband - with whom I am married to for 7 years and we are together for 11 years and have two children 7&4 years old - is cheating on me .. I found a message on his cell phone and one message on his facebook profile ..

I confronted him and he didn't deny anything .. It is/was going on for a month and she is married and has a young child too .. she is living 4 hrs away from where we live and he says that they only had sex once ..

I have lost everything ever since I saw the message and ever since my husband told me that they had sex .. At first I wanted him to pack his bags and leave the house immediately but he didn't leave because he doesn't want to live the children and because he didn't want me to accuse him that he left us .. after taking some time to think about it I realised that I love this man .. yes we had our problems, yes he cheated on me but I love him .. I asked him if he regrets what he did and he doesn't answer .. I asked him if he is ever going to have sex with her again and he doesn't answer .. I asked him if it is over between them and he says yes .. but I don't get all the answers I want .. he says that he is sorry for hurting me but I will never get through this and that I will always remember her text and it won't be easy for us to be together .. I started therapy with a psychologist because all these are too much for me to handle by my self and I told him to come with me but he refused .. I started the therapy because I really want to get over it and keep my family together .. but I am not getting my answers .. he says that it won't make a difference if I knew where they met, exactly when they had sex and how was it ..

Honestly, I am so so SO very confused and I feel SO alone .. Last night after my decision, he had sex .. he was very gentle, he was kissing me, touching me, in a way that I thing he was saying I am sorry ..

I really don't want to lose him, but I have these bad butterflies in my stomach and this thing in my heart and this bitterness on my chest that are just killing me .. honestly I just want all of this to stop!!!! I blame myself for not giving him the attention he needed and I blame myself for being so egoist and didn't care about his feelings .. but during our 7 years of marriage he neglected me and our children and he only cared about his laptop and his games .. and when he changed, I wanted to give him a lesson for what he did to me over the years .. but he decided to punish me for that by making out with another woman ..

 

Now, I just want all these bad feelings to go away!!! I cannot take care of my children or my house or my job and of course not even me .. It s awful, I just want to lay under my bed covers and cry .. I love him but he also cheated on me .. I am so very confused ..

 

I am sorry, but this (the above (first) bolded) really is what I saw as a major obstacle in recovery for your marriage. The second bolded lines, I think, are you saying what he is saying to you...he wants you to get over it so he can be fine with staying. Your H needs an attitude adjustment :mad:and you need to tell the OW's H, he deserves to know. For you - if you give cheap forgiveness now, I believe you will regret it.

 

I wish you some peace of mind. It is such a crappy place to find yourself in.

[Ath75]

Thank you so much for your answers .. sorry I didn't reply but honestly I am feeling so very bad for all these .. I never thought that this man who I adored SO much could kill me like that ...

 

He says that he hasn't contacted her for lots of days and I really REALLY want to believe him but I can't ..

I sent a message at her husbands' profile on Monday and he or she read it yesterday and after that both their accounts were permanently deleted and my husband's too .. I am trying to find his phone but it is quite hard because he is not listed on the catalogues .. I believe that she entered her husband's profile and deleted the accounts ..

 

Reading the above paragraph I can't believe that I - an adult 37 yo woman - are saying these childish things that not even a 13 y/o girl says .. I mean the reasons that got my husband to convict me with his infidelity are : 1) I was posting on facebook and 2) I was ignoring him when he was helping me and my parents at my shop ..

 

well, for 7 years this man was showing NO care for me or for our children and he only cared for his computer and his games .. there were nights that he was coming from work and I was half asleep breastfeeding our daughter and later our son and he didn't enter the room to say hello but he was going straight to his computer .. he was talking to me 30 minutes later .. he was waiking up AFTER 1-2 pm and staying in front of a pc screen until maybe 5-6 in the morning .. he was not helping me around the house and when I was yelling at him that I needed his help then he was coming with a temper saying "ok .. I'm here .. what?!" .. I was trying to wake him up early on sunny days to go for a walk with our children and he refused by saying "leave me alone!!"..

 

I got my self to think if I want this man for the rest of my life and I got to the conclusion that I love him and I have 2 children who I adore SOOOOO much and I don't want them to lose their father .. so I stayed with him .. never thought on seeing another man ..

 

when he finally came to the shop to help us (I have a dryclean store and my father who had a quadruple by-pass helps me because he sees that my husband is not wiling to help me) after 4-5 months wnd when we didn;t have so much work, I started to ignore him in the shop .. I started to post things on facebook when he was on the back trying to dry some clothes .. I did that because I wanted him to feel like I felt 7 years now .. It was SO childish BUT I was SO hurt .. stupid things that could have been talked when we were both calm but never did .. when I was calm he was mad .. when he was mad I was calm and then getting mad because he didn't have the right to be mad at me ..

 

as you can see, he had/has an affair with another woman BECAUSE he felt neglected for 2-3 monts ............ what can I say ?

he is the most irresponsible human being on earth!

and now, I am trying to make him help me forget about her and what they did and he says I won't forget that and he doesn't wanna be with me ..

 

I feel soooooo bad .. First of all I feel so bad because I wasn't able to keep my family united .. Secondly I feel ashamed that my husband cheated on me .. and Last I feel ashamed that my husband wasn;t able to love me as much as I loved and still love him ..

 

I am the one that he cheated on but I am also the one who wants to try to forgive and forget but her husband doesn't want that ........

[Decorative]

Your husband is doing something called blame shifting.

 

This isn't on you. This is all him.

 

Stop talking to him about this. In fact, google Plan B or the 180. You need to take your contact down to a minimum. The affair has him comparing the two of you- and it's not healthy for you.

 

He is saying you are the reason he cheated . And you are the reason he cannot stay with your family, because you can't get over it?

 

No. He doesn't have the ovaries to stand up and do the work. That's a him problem, not a you problem.

 

You need to get distance and space from him so that you can stop feeling sucker punched at every turn. So you can feel better. And get stronger.

[Ath75]

I know that it will get better one day but I want it to get better NOW!!! I hurt so much because I still love him .. I keep looking at the pictures of all of us during the summer vacations back in August or picture of us we took at my son's b'day on November when we where happy (at least I thought we were) and my heart breaks .. I hear his voice calm and sweet in videos and I'm wondering what happened to him ?!

 

We shared some lovely moments among with the bad and I miss these moments .. I wish there was something I could say to him that will make him understand that love is not a button that you can push and love your spouse and then push it again and don't love him or her .. When you love, YOU LOVE!!!!

 

I just sent him a letter in his dropbox account telling him that if he doesn't love me any more and he thinks that he cannot live with me then he should just leave .. leave me alone and stop causing me more pain because I don't think that I deserve this .. I am willing to try to forgive and forget ONLY if he is willing to help me .. I think that it is fair enough for him ..

 

 

I keep thinking that my children will be devastated with this situation because they both adore their daddy and specially my daughter who is a very closed person that keeps her emotions and because of that suffer from trichotillomania ..

[Decorative]

I know that it will get better one day but I want it to get better NOW!!! I hurt so much because I still love him .. I keep looking at the pictures of all of us during the summer vacations back in August or picture of us we took at my son's b'day on November when we where happy (at least I thought we were) and my heart breaks .. I hear his voice calm and sweet in videos and I'm wondering what happened to him ?!

 

We shared some lovely moments among with the bad and I miss these moments .. I wish there was something I could say to him that will make him understand that love is not a button that you can push and love your spouse and then push it again and don't love him or her .. When you love, YOU LOVE!!!!

 

I just sent him a letter in his dropbox account telling him that if he doesn't love me any more and he thinks that he cannot live with me then he should just leave .. leave me alone and stop causing me more pain because I don't think that I deserve this .. I am willing to try to forgive and forget ONLY if he is willing to help me .. I think that it is fair enough for him ..

 

 

I keep thinking that my children will be devastated with this situation because they both adore their daddy and specially my daughter who is a very closed person that keeps her emotions and because of that suffer from trichotillomania ..

 

You're trying to reason with a person who is not acting logically right now.

 

Stop.

[RickFox]

If he can't accept responsibility or give you an answer, he is still being deceptive and is most likely still plotting to see this woman at some given point in time when he thinks you've let it go.

 

I speak as one who betrayed another....... you need to slap him with a reality sandwhich.

[Ath75]

thank you once again for your support and for your responses ..

 

well my husband started the affair nearly at the end of November .. I know that because it was then that he he started being distant .. I am quite sure that before that he didn't have anything because he wasn't late from work, he was talking to me and he wasn't mad all the time.

 

well, today, he found out that I sent the OW H a message at his profile on facebook and he got reeeeeeeally mad!!!! he said that it was the worse thing that I ever did and now he doesn't want to come home to us .. well he was really mad and he didn't mean that .. his clothes are here, his laptop is here, his things are here so that was just his madness talking .. he asked me why I sent him a message after telling me that it was over with her and I said that I wanted to hurt her like she hurt me .. he said that I should be aware that the ow h could come here and either send him to the hospital or straight to the morgue .. well I answered him that we should've thought that when he was putting on the condom as well as she should've thought of that too ..

 

I had an appointment with my psychologist today and I told her what I did and she told me that it was a big mistake and that it was not my business to let the ow h know about that .. to tell you the truth after seeing my h like that, I regret it but of course now it's too late ..

 

I told him that I really love him no matter what he did, that we've hurt each other really bad and I think that we've had enough .. we should just erase the past, all the bad memories and concentrate on our future together first of all for the sake of our two young children and then for us .. my doctor also said that I should give the whole thing some time and not expect for everything to be just fine NOW! .. I'll try that too ..

[silvermercy]

I am stunned. Instead of getting on his knees and begging you like there's no tomorrow and swearing to do anything you want him to do, he gets MAD!?

 

You don't have a remorseful spouse in your hands.

 

I also disagree with the psychologist who said not to tell her husband. It's the first time I hear something like that actually. The best thing for affair recovery is exposure (and a remorseful spouse, which you still don't have though...)

[freestyle]

Your H is behaving like a snot-nosed,bratty, rebellious teenager.

 

He's NOT owning his actions, instead he's trying make it out to be YOUR fault.

 

Which is completely absurd. Please don't allow him to twist that around on you.

 

His actions, and behaviors are his choices.He chose to pursue his own desires, at the expense of being a good husband, and father.

[zuzzers]

The ONLY part where "I believe" you are wrong is to be upset is with him not helping out around the house. Guys fix things, work on cars, etc. Wives do the "house" stuff. Call that what you will but the easiest way to destroy a man is by nagging him to do the housework. That is NO EXCUSE to cheat though.

 

UW study: Guys who don?t do dishes get laid more | Seattle's Big Blog - seattlepi.com

 

I would also say he is only thinking about himself and NOT you! He should be eager to do whater it takes, INCLUDING going to counselling, to help the both of you get over it. It seems you are not asking him for a lot. He should go to counselling, tell you EVERYTHING, give you access to emails, phone, the other woman's contact informaiton, and DEFINITELY respond that he REGRETS what he did, will NEVER see her again, and DOES NOT want to see her again. You HAVE THE RIGHT to contact her husband too!!

He should be crying becasue he is hurting for what he did and also for how it hurt you!