skylark100 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Ok maybe I'm overthinking this a bit, but I am getting to know and date an older woman....again! She is 33, I'm 29. Really nice, but she asked me a pretty upfront question right off the bat. Do you want kids? Of course EVENTUALLY I do, but not right now. When I said yes, she made up a couple of scenarios of when I become a father how cool I'd be to my kids etc. I am correct in assuming her clock is ticking? And she wants kids now? This is the first time this has ever happened...
TaraMaiden Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I think you may well be right. I'm afraid I'm a party-pooper and an advocate of not having kids if you can help it. And before you ask - yes, I'm a mother. But if I had my time again, I'd put a lot more serious thought into why precisely I - or anyone - should have a child. It transpires that the main reasons for having children are based purely on emotional factors. There is no logic to wanting a child. But maybe, really, there should be a far more sensible, logical, and grounded reason for having kids other than "Well.... because it's what everyone wants, in a relationship - isn't it...?" Biological urges and 'ticking clocks' are notoriously difficult to silence or even argue against... hell, this is why some women steal babies from prams. It can be that strong, particularly if there is some impediment to the woman's ability to conceive. It's distressing and heart-breaking for a woman who cannot, for whatever reason, conceive her own child, to see buggies and prams being pushed around by seemingly blissfully happy couples or mums. It can tear a woman's soul to shreds. It's a psychologically-driven mania.... That said, thankfully, it's rare. But for your date to actually ask you such a thing - how early are you into your 'relationship'? - is quite a teller....
veggirl Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I'm not sure I'd consider a 33 yr old an "older woman" to a 29 year old guy but yes she is asking because her clock is ticking...did you tell her you don't want them right now? You need to ask her when she is looking to have kids. If you aren't gonna want them for 5 more years, she will likely bounce because she won't want to wait that long.
Author skylark100 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 thanks for your input. Very interesting. This girl is beautiful, doesn't look her age, and acts 'younger', but she still mature notheless. So that's why I was a bit taken back by the question so soon. Actually the "relationship" and I use the term loosely right now, is only about 2 weeks old, and I barely know the girl. We definitely have common ground, but shes not by girlfriend. The question just scared me a little.
Author skylark100 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 I'm not sure I'd consider a 33 yr old an "older woman" to a 29 year old guy but yes she is asking because her clock is ticking...did you tell her you don't want them right now? You need to ask her when she is looking to have kids. If you aren't gonna want them for 5 more years, she will likely bounce because she won't want to wait that long. Haha, point taken! Im not a spring chicken anymore either:D. Deep down, the age difference concerns me, because if she wants kids now, then we could have a real problem.
veggirl Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 thanks for your input. Very interesting. This girl is beautiful, doesn't look her age, and acts 'younger', but she still mature notheless. So that's why I was a bit taken back by the question so soon. Actually the "relationship" and I use the term loosely right now, is only about 2 weeks old, and I barely know the girl. We definitely have common ground, but shes not by girlfriend. The question just scared me a little. Haha, point taken! Im not a spring chicken anymore either:D. Deep down, the age difference concerns me, because if she wants kids now, then we could have a real problem. Well she asked for a reason, I bet if you said "no I don't want kids ever" she would be out. I'd suggest on a future date (soon) ask her about it..."so, you asked me if I want kids at some point, which I do down the line but not right now. When are you hoping to have them" or something like that. PS I didn't mean either of you are old, lol, I'm the same age as you!
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 She is 33, her egg quality is dropping like rapidly.. I'm sure her clock is ticking.
somedude81 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 It seems that she's looking for a baby daddy more so than a boyfriend.
runningfar Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 She wants kids when in an appropriate relationship. She does not want to waste time in a relationship where it is not a good possiblity. If you don't see them in the next few years, I would be VERY clear about that to her. 2
Cutiepie1976 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 A better answer would have been some day, but not right now...not for many years. She's looking to eliminate anyone who doesn't share her basic relationship goals. Then evaluate the rest as she dates them. For example, if you're looking for a relationship, why agree to a date with someone looking for a casual fling if you aren't going to be OK with just a fling? Similarly, if you're looking to marry and have kids in a few years, why get into a relationship with someone who didn't envision being a father anytime in the foreseeable future. Falling in love with someone who wanted something else causes nothing but pain and heartache, so she's checking up front. Much better than trying to change someone later on. Be clear that you want different things. She's assessing dates and future boyfriend's as potential spouses/fathers. You're not. Better for both of you to focus on those looking for the same things out of dating.
veggirl Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 It seems that she's looking for a baby daddy more so than a boyfriend. No it doesn't, SD. It seems that she just doesn't want to waste her time dating someone who never wants kids. 2
somedude81 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 No it doesn't, SD. It seems that she just doesn't want to waste her time dating someone who never wants kids. Isn't that pretty much the same thing? If her clock wasn't ticking, would she even ask that question?
newmoon Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 (edited) this is so ridiculous - the first thought you have when a woman asks about children is that her clock is ticking?? at 33? so shallow. think about all the myriad possibilities young man.. she might NOT want kids and wants to verify if you do/do not. she might be worried a young guy like yourself won't make a good provider and is checking out what goals and ambitions you have so she doesn't waste her time with you. she could already have kids and wants to see if you'd be receptive when she drops that bomb on you. so many possibilities other than 'oh my god, her clock is ticking.' geesh! Edited January 25, 2013 by newmoon
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 My boyfriend and I talked about this on the first date. I think she is being smart. She probably doesn't want to waste time and is genuinely trying to gauge where you stand. Maybe her clock IS ticking. If you just answer honestly, tell her yes but not for "so and so years" or "until I do this" then SHE can make the choice to either accept it and continue the relationship or move on. When you have dated so much and starting looking for that true SOMEONE, these questions are very important.
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Yes, you are. Unless you want children asap don't have sex with her. You saying you want kids = greenlighting her to "forget" her birth control. You can't be serious.
SmileFace Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I don't blame her for asking. If she is at the age and that is what she is looking for. If I was ready to have kids - I wouldn't waste time dating guys who didn't want kids. However the scenorios are a little to far fetch for me - that may be a deal breaker - you both are on two different time lines. I would ask the question in a more pleasing manner however I would ask the question. Take my sister for example 30 and dying to have kids. She has the worst luck with guys. Ok, not luck she gets the guys she deserves truthfully. She is clingy and naive. I try to talk her out of it. However she will grasp at any attention she gets from a guy and try to make it work. But I have to remind her if she has goals ie; kids, husband at a decent age she has to be upfront about these things. I would be. Isn't the point of most relationships as an adult SD - to look for a partner to have kids? If that is what you want?
somedude81 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Isn't the point of most relationships as an adult SD - to look for a partner to have kids? So every guy you date, it's because you want to have kids with him?
SmileFace Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 (edited) So every guy you date, it's because you want to have kids with him? No, because I don't want kids right now. That can be the same for you. Hence "If that is what you want" However if I did want kids right now - I would only date guys who wanted kids as well. It isn't about looking for a "baby daddy" but a suitable man that you will take to get to know to see if is a suitable dad. Edited January 25, 2013 by SmileFace
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 So every guy you date, it's because you want to have kids with him? I see her point, she just didn't say it well. Ultimately what is a persons goal in dating? To find "that person" no? I see what she is saying, granted she is saying from her perspective which is that she wants kids. Why do you think I am so open about asking about thing like when they want kids, how many, where do they see themselves settling down when dating? So in a way, not that EVERY guy she dates she wants to have kids with, just that ultimately finding "that" partner to share life and a family with is the end all and overall point of dating.
carhill Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Really nice, but she asked me a pretty upfront question right off the bat. Do you want kids? Assume nothing. Take the question at face value. Sample answer (one I gave to many a similar question): 'Yes, one day after I'm married I'd love to have children' Answer for yourself as appropriate. You choose who you get to know and who you make a commitment to and how/when you choose to prolong your genetic line, or not. No one can force or coerce you. Yes, people can attempt to manipulate you. Even then, you still have choices. Good luck.
SmileFace Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Yes, you are. Unless you want children asap don't have sex with her. You saying you want kids = greenlighting her to "forget" her birth control. And he shouldn't forget to wrap it up 1
somedude81 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 No, because I don't want kids right now. That can be the same for you. Hence "If that is what you want" However if I did want kids right now - I would only date guys who wanted kids as well. It isn't about looking for a "baby daddy" but a suitable man that you will take to get to know to see if is a suitable dad. And judging from what the thread starter said in his first post, the woman does want kids. When I look at her age, and how she asked him questions about what kind of father he would be, how quickly she brought it up, it really does seem that she was looking for somebody to be a father to her kids. There is also a good chance she wants them to happen in the near future. Ideally, (for me at least) the best situation is to be seriously dating a guy and eventually talking about kids, and they won't come for a few years.
FitChick Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 The question just scared me a little. Be afraid, be very afraid. Too many women trap a guy into paying years of child support by getting pregnant. Use a condom and be sure you use your own and put it on yourself because a woman can poke holes in them or fish them out of the trash for private time later with a turkey baster. 2
mustangguy29 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Yes, her clock is probably ticking, but it is a fair question. Some people NEVER want kids, so it cannot be assumed that you want to eventually have them. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 And judging from what the thread starter said in his first post, the woman does want kids. When I look at her age, and how she asked him questions about what kind of father he would be, how quickly she brought it up, it really does seem that she was looking for somebody to be a father to her kids. There is also a good chance she wants them to happen in the near future. Ideally, (for me at least) the best situation is to be seriously dating a guy and eventually talking about kids, and they won't come for a few years. I don't see why men freak out over important questions like that... It's called being smart and getting to know the other person, why waste time with someone who isn't on the same page? Men, when you get fronted with this questions, don't over think it, answer it HONESTLY, and she will tell you if she agrees or if she doesn't. We ask because men are too afraid to, as if they think by asking it means we automatically will assume "OMG he wants to make some babies NOW, scoreeeeee!"
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