Kristina67 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I’ll make this short. I am 6 years married and I think I want out. The background is that I was shy as a young girl and only had a few sexual partners before I met what would be my husband. He was much more experienced and the stories he told of his exploits is part of what attracted me to him. I have the best husband a woman could want. I could talk for hours about his good qualities but the issue here is that he is so boring sexually. I married this man with the hope that I would be introduced to some of his exploration as time went on. The opposite has happened, the sex itself is great but there is no variety, no spontaneity, no adventure. We have been living in our home for 6 years and have never had sex outside of the bedroom. Speaking to him just illicits a response along the lines of been there, done that, older now, time to settle down. When I tell him I haven’t been there, I haven’t done that and I want to try all these things he treats me like I am some kind of freak. He wont even do anal sex with me and one day caught me doing it with a dildo and he said he was disappointed that I thought I needed that. I have told him that I need more variety and if he can’t offer it maybe we are best not being together and he has begged me not to go but still refuses to offer more in the bedroom. All this from a man that has a very storied past but seems to have forgotten how to live that life now. I think he is too set in his ways to change so I either have to learn to live with what I have (which is an incredibly happy life bar the sex) or look elsewhere for the satisfaction. I realize not many here will condone cheating but what options are left to me? He doesn’t seem to want to bring his past wild side into our relationship even though he knows I would be totally receptive to it. He thinks that marriage equates to toning down your sexual exploits. He refuses to talk about it and even mentioning the word counsellor sends him off in a spin. So what do I do? Can cheating sometimes be acceptable? Please no need for the preachy do-gooders to respond. The well worn lines of cheating is never acceptable, marriage based on a lie and so on are noted. I do understand that position but I guess I am looking for people that have had similar experiences and how they dealt with it.
Author Kristina67 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Just a follow up to clarify. When we got together he was still very much into all his sexual adventures but it was me who was saying no because I was inexperienced and nervous about it all. Then, the way he tells it, he fell in love, and that is when his whole outlook towards sex changed. I have held out in the hope of it eventually turning full circle but I can’t see that happening now.
aed Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 No cheating never OK or the only option! You have 4 options imo: 1) divorce and find a guy you match sexualy 2) disscuss and ask for an open marriage (with the points you gave in your OP) 3) stay with him and accept that not al your sexual needs will be met. and focus on the things why you want to stay with him. 4) the most diffucult one: Learn him how to have sex with you, and that your needs get met.
Author Kristina67 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 1) divorce and find a guy you match sexualy I don't even know yet if I will like the things that I want to try. I may end up hating them and opting for a boring sex life myself. So getting divorced would only become an option once I knew that these explorations were something that I wished to continue 2) disscuss and ask for an open marriage (with the points you gave in your OP) If I can't even get him to have sex in the kitchen how am I going to convinve him to allow this? 3) stay with him and accept that not al your sexual needs will be met. and focus on the things why you want to stay with him. That is what I have been trying for many years. The urges to try new things are getting stronger so I don't know how much longer I can accept what I currently have 4) the most diffucult one: Learn him how to have sex with you, and that your needs get met. The perfect solution. But he is unreceptive to learning. We still have sex at least 5 times a week so frequency is not lacking just the variety.
Phateless Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 what about the bedroom floor? Baby steps and breadcrumbs.
OpenBook Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Have you considered going to a sex therapist? Wouldn't hurt (I would think) to at least go for a consultation. There may be a simple reason why your H is unwilling to experiment with you (and if I had to guess, it's tied to his colorful past) that the sex therapist can quickly reveal. 1
aed Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I don't even know yet if I will like the things that I want to try. I may end up hating them and opting for a boring sex life myself. So getting divorced would only become an option once I knew that these explorations were something that I wished to continue Cheating is never an option. It will only lead to hurting your man and yourself in the longrun. If I can't even get him to have sex in the kitchen how am I going to convinve him to allow this? Baby steps. like some other poster suggests That is what I have been trying for many years. The urges to try new things are getting stronger so I don't know how much longer I can accept what I currently have If this is how you feel, then you have to make a desicion: Tell him this and what you are planning to do (because you are planning to cheat on your HB) The perfect solution. But he is unreceptive to learning. We still have sex at least 5 times a week so frequency is not lacking just the variety. babysteps First talk to him with out getting angry, judgemental, blaming etc. So think and practice what you are going to say. THink about potential responses from him and how to keep your head cool. if not and you can't deal with it: leave but never cheat.
dichotomy Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 (edited) Sometimes we are different people sexually throughout our lives, and with different people. It is difficult when a partner/spouse confesses they may have been more sexually adventuresome with others. You feel you are shut out of receiving what they gave so freely to others. Marriage should be about intimacy, bonding and a willingness to explore life. Sadly I have heard your story (mainly from husbands) so many times, and from both parties when someone has an affair. I wish sex could be the best in marriage but it is so darn difficult to find examples of this. It sounds like you have tried many times to work this out with him. Considering cheating or divorce are options, but not really great ones since he sounds otherwise like a good husband? I would suggest you try a marriage therapist with a specialization in sex therapy ( a normal therapist will not work). Try AASECT :: American Association of Sex Counselors, Educators & Therapists and if you can find a male AASECT therapist in your area it would be better for your husband and you I think. Edited January 25, 2013 by dichotomy 1
jlindemann Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Sorry OP, but cheating is never OK. You have to discuss your options with your husband or move on. Marriage is about compromise, and if you can't then maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
Cutiepie1976 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Blaming him or you for your predicament is not a productive way to get to a solution. Obviously, you turn him on. He had sex with you and married you! Have you considered going to a sex therapist? Wouldn't hurt (I would think) to at least go for a consultation. There may be a simple reason why your H is unwilling to experiment with you (and if I had to guess, it's tied to his colorful past) that the sex therapist can quickly reveal. I agree with this. Also please bear in mind that there may be certain types of activities that one enjoys when one doesn't really care about a partner that would be a turn-off and unwelcome when emotionally invested and in love with the person--e.g. threesomes, gang bangs. Everyone draws their lines differently about what they like and with whom. I would start by trying to understand his perspective and why it is that he doesn't want to engage in certain types of activities with you. A sex therapist may be very helpful. Cheating generally brings nothing but emotional pain into the picture. It creates additional problems and stresses on the relationship while not actually helping with the underlying problem. Good luck!
RedHead33 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I dont support cheating. Seems like you want him to do different things sexually to you. Why dont you try with doing different things in bedroom for him? Make him experience something different. When he sees that you are trying to satisfy him in different ways, what man wouldn't want to do something different for the wife. It seems to me it's all about pleasing you and doing different things for yourself. Question is what have you done to please HIM differently?
TheGuard13 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 (edited) Kristina, I've been exactly where you are within the last few years. Cheating is a band-aid, and won't solve anything longterm. Given the circumstances, some marital counseling might not be a bad idea, or visiting a sex therapist yourself, but its hard to know how you feel about something without knowing how you feel about something. 1. I would try really hard to let him know how important this is to you, especially if he's already aware of your desires. 2. I would bring up the topic of an open relationship, because he is not meeting your needs/desires. If he agrees to it, I would make darn certain that this is how he actually feels (had this backfire horribly on me). 3. And then, if none of that worked, and sex was important enough to you, I would probably end the relationship. Edited January 25, 2013 by TheGuard13
Author Kristina67 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 It seems like you don't know how to turn on your H. Just be kinky! Having a conversation about wanting to be kinky is not kinky and in the end it becomes clinical and with no mystery. You are 50% responsible for the boring sex you have. You need to learn how to drive a man into the wild side. Don't just wait there for him. I have tried all I know. I have offered to do anything for him. I have bought lingerie. I have cleaned the house naked in front of him. I once gave him a headjob while he was playing xbox, the next time I tried he wasn't interested. He had saved in his folder on the computer a lot of porn with women wearing latex costumes so I bought a nurses outfit, he told me was attracted to me and didn't need me to do that. Once I gave him a headjob until he ejaculated on my face, he apologized for a week saying it's not how you should treat your wife, I found it erotic and wanted to do it again, we never have. What he says is that "you f**k the sluts but marry the nice ones". I am a nice one so he wont treat me like a slut. No matter how much talking we do about it that's his belief and he just wont change. In every single other aspect he is the perfect husband and we have the perfect life. I am just so sexually frustrated.
Author Kristina67 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 there may be certain types of activities that one enjoys when one doesn't really care about a partner that would be a turn-off and unwelcome when emotionally invested and in love with the person--e.g. threesomes, gang bangs You make a very valid point. I am going to embarrass myself a little here and share something I would like to try to illustrate this point. My hubby way back in his past was with a girl that enjoyed watersports, I have no idea whether I would like it but I have seen a few videos on it and I really want to try it. I know my hubby has done it and have asked him to do it with me. He just says no, he doesn't do those sort of things anymore. The problem is that I want all this now. I missed out when I was younger and I am not sure I can just put these feelings to bed for the rest of my life.
Author Kristina67 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 Question is what have you done to please HIM differently? See my post a few down from yours. I have done many different things. I have opened up to him and told him I would be willing to try anything. I told him not to be afraid to ask, that I wouldn't be offended. The only thing that came from that that we did try was that he wanted to tie me up. He tied me up with silk scarves to to four corners of the bed and then just had plain normal sex with me. It was great, sex with him always is, but this situation could have been so much better if he just experimented a little. It makes it doubly frustration knowing that he has it inside him to do so because he has done it all in his past. This only happened once, I keep asking him to do it again but he says it was a one off thing he wanted to do and now it's done.
Author Kristina67 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 I would bring up the topic of an open relationship I have thought long and hard about this but I just can't see myself saying to my hubby you'll have to get your own dinner tomorrow because I will be out having some freaky sex with a guy I met. How does one do that? I know cheating is not any better, in fact probably worse in many people eyes, but it would be much easier going out for a night on the town with 'the girls' but really going on a date. Or just arranging the meeting for during the day when he is at work. He is none the wiser, probably happier because I wont hag as much for more variety of sex, and we live out our otherwise great life together.
woinlove Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 I have thought long and hard about this but I just can't see myself saying to my hubby you'll have to get your own dinner tomorrow because I will be out having some freaky sex with a guy I met. How does one do that? You enter into an honest discussion of both of your needs and desires. The end result of that may be divorce, may be an open M, may be something else. It all depends how you feel about lying and deceiving your H into believing your M is something it is not (monogamous) in order to remove his ability to make his own informed choice. Are you worried he will divorce you? And are you comfortable being disloyal and deceptive in your M? Is that the type of person you aspire to be? Best not to do something that makes you think less of yourself, as even if you don't acknowledge that fact in the short term, it comes back in the longer term and can be difficult to recover from.
Cutiepie1976 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 ...Once I gave him a headjob until he ejaculated on my face, he apologized for a week saying it's not how you should treat your wife, I found it erotic and wanted to do it again, we never have. What he says is that "you f**k the sluts but marry the nice ones". I am a nice one so he wont treat me like a slut. No matter how much talking we do about it that's his belief and he just wont change. In every single other aspect he is the perfect husband and we have the perfect life. I am just so sexually frustrated. Here is your answer! He's told you why he finds it so distasteful to engage in certain acts with you. He will do certain things that he views as degrading and insulting to a woman, when he has no respect for the woman and no emotional investment, that he would never consider doing to a woman he actually loves and feels is worthy of being a wife. We all have views, beliefs, values, and preferences. There is no right or wrong in preferences (as long as it doesn't endanger someone's life). These are his. Be careful about insisting that he reclassify you as a "whore" and a "slut" in his eyes, just so you can experiment. That could be a Pyrrhic victory. By your own admission, you're basically looking to try things out of curiosity because of your inexperience, and may never want to do them again. Is that really worth your marriage and your current life together? Only you know the answer. But understand this, if he starts seeing you as a slut and starts performing sexual acts that he considers degrading to you and beneath you, it will likely extend out of the bedroom to the rest of the relationship too. You are likely to get treated as these women were outside the bedroom. That may have been fairly unpleasant and emotionally painful for them since he saw them as "less than." Only you can decide whether trying a facial or anal or whatever is really worth sacrificing everything else. Sometimes we are so intent on some small thing that we don't have that we lose sight of everything we actually possess or the steep cost involved in getting that one missing thing--something we may not even want once attained. Please see the forest, not just the leaf, in pushing for this. Only you know whether it is worth potentially razing the forest to get to that leaf. The answer will be different for each individual. Either way, a sex therapist or marriage counselor will be helpful.
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